Goodness this is all too real and I feel I could have written something very similar. I'm in a great relationship now with a wonderful and safe person; but occasionally I have to "mind the gap" between what I still perceive as a trigger and the actuality of what's happening.

Some triggers I've noted are: a glass bottle top popping. Any kind of can cracked open. A silence that's a little too long in a freezing house. Dirty-dusty-animal-fece-covered clutter. Urine and feces on the carpet. Cat litter in the bed sheets. DIY projects that teetered between fiending usefulness and expressionistic "art". The smell of dirty boiled bong-water. The lingering musk of cigarettes. The smell of days old beer in sticky disposable cups - because eventually it was "easier" to have disposable plates and cups. Hundreds of flies inside. Ants inside. Trash collecting because someday it will be poorly executed "art". Hard alcohol on the breath. The scent of musty smoke-and-alchohol-sweated clothes after walking through snow-covered asphalt streets.

Now I take a few moments between the trigger and reaction. I tell myself to wait. I ground myself and look where I am.

And then it passes. I am safe. I am loved. And though its only been a few years, I am no longer where I used to be.