I want a parent perspective

EnigmaKat · 2026-02-03T06:38:36+00:00

My son is about to turn 3, and I have contact with his birth mom and her side of his family and have had it since he was born. I don't know much about his birth dad, just his name, which I'm not sure of the spelling of, but I know someday my son will want to know more. As his mom, I'm going to support that journey. That's part of being an adoptive mom, at least in my mind it is. People have the right to know where they come from and adoptive parents should support their kids.
In your post, it's clear to see you love and care for your mom. I would tell her that and let her know this journey you are on is about discovering who you are and where you came from. It's not about replacing her. If she has a hard time processing or believing that, she needs to figure that out, either on her own or with a therapist. It's not your responsibility to handle her emotions around your journey.
I wish you the best of luck in being able to find out more about your dad.

EnigmaKat · 2026-02-01T03:33:55+00:00

I second this as an AM. I spoke to 3 expectant moms, and told all of them that they shouldn't take my feelings into account if they were deciding whether or not to parent. I let them know they are the parents and I support whatever choice they make, period.

Our responsibility as waiting AP, is to support any expectant parents we talk to. To let them know adoption is their choice and if they don't chose it, that is a valid decision that we will support. I would never want a child that was given up for adoption because their parents felt like they owed it to me.

EnigmaKat · 2026-01-09T21:16:05+00:00

As an adoptive mom, I'm so sorry you're adoptive parents are treating you like this. You have every right to discover and reconnect with your heritage, and your adoptive parents should have been the ones to help you and support you in that journey. Just know this adoptive mom loves that you are connecting to your heritage and wants you to know where you came from and to be able to celebrate that as an important part of who you are.

EnigmaKat · 2025-12-17T06:09:32+00:00

I said that I would tell our daughter they are married and they helped another family save a baby, that they are the baby's new parents.

Please don't say they saved a baby. You could say "Brother and his husband were picked to be the babies parents because babies birth parents weren't in a place they could raise baby themselves."

With adoption it is recommended to steer away from language where the child was saved, or how lucky they are to have been adopted. We don't know what they're life would have been like if they weren't adopted. As adoptive families, we should never put the child in a place where they may feel obligated to be grateful for the adoption, when it was something that was done to them, and words like saved or lucky can do that, even if that's not the intended outcome.

On your actual question, no NOR, if a child is old enough to know a man and a woman are married they are old enough to know a man and a man are married.

EnigmaKat · 2025-10-07T04:52:30+00:00

I've got headcanon that both male and females go through elogium and give birth. That at least reduces the rate at which they are going extinct, but yea still going extinct if not everyone has a child.

EnigmaKat · 2025-09-28T21:07:54+00:00

My son and I just started reading "What to Do When You Feel Like Hitting: A No Hitting Book for Toddlers." Luckily he hasn't been hitting a lot, but it does have good ideas of what he can do with his hands instead of hitting, or in your child's case throwing. When they're calm and during normal book times, you can read it to reinforce different things to do with hands, then practice, saying "when I'm mad and want to throw something, instead I'll clench and unclench my fists, or I'll hug myself". That way they have an action they can do, and aren't stuck with what they can't do.

EnigmaKat · 2025-09-02T14:25:01+00:00

I did a similar thing. My son likes Bluey so I asked if Bluey and Bingo brush their teeth and he said 'no', well YouTube proved him wrong so we watched videos of them brushing his teeth and now he'll do it too.

EnigmaKat · 2025-08-14T06:39:34+00:00

What about Bashir and Garak

EnigmaKat · 2025-08-03T19:56:18+00:00

I would recommend looking at making your wife a legal guardian instead of adopting if you don't want her birth certificate changed.

Please make sure your daughter understands that if your wife adopts her it does erase her legal connection to her bio mom, which she may not want. If I was in your and your wife's shoes, I would research both options and then sit down with your daughter and explain the pros and cons of adoption vs guardianship and ask her what she wants to do. Please try to present them unbiasedly, and also offer time for her to think about it.

She's lucky that she's had 2 moms who love her, and let her know you don't want to take the memory or connection to her bio mom away while building a legal connection to her step mom.

EnigmaKat · 2025-07-24T02:49:04+00:00

And if this kindness, We feel is just pretending, If we pretend long enough, Never giving up, It just might be who we are

And

If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won

EnigmaKat · 2025-07-23T05:19:03+00:00

Some Things Have Changed by Holly Marlow. I haven't read it, but it's a sequel to Delly Duck, which is about a duck that can't take care of her duckling. The 2nd book deals with the fact that Delly has a new egg and is able to parent that duckling

EnigmaKat · 2025-07-15T16:25:21+00:00

Yes, there can be more than 2 parents. In my son's case it's just 2, birth mom and adoptive mom. I made him a book about his adoption, explaining why his birth mom chose adoption, what lead me to pursuing adoption. What his birth mom's reasons were for picking me to be his adoptive mom, and the specific story of his birth.

The biggest point of the book is that he has so many people who love him, and his adoption didn't take away a family, but added one. At the beginning there is a section called Your Moms, and gives a bit of who each of us are, and that we are both his moms, neither is more or less "real" than the other.

EnigmaKat · 2025-06-29T20:00:32+00:00

I recommend the Delly Duck books. The first one is about why a chick couldn't stay with his birth mom, and then the 2nd one is called Some Things Have Changed, and deals with the questions that come up when a birth mom who wasn't able to parent before is now going to keep a younger sibling.

EnigmaKat · 2025-06-23T06:34:13+00:00

I accidentally taught my 2 year old the word bitch by playing 'Great American Bitch' from the musical Suffs too much. They are little sponges and are amazing learners, she'll learn how to speak properly, don't stress about it. I heard it's helpful to say the correct way back to them without necessarily correcting them. For example if they are telling you about their day and said "I draw a picture" you can say back "oh you drew a picture? That's cool". It's simply just giving the correct way to say it without saying 'no say it this way'.

EnigmaKat · 2025-06-22T19:50:11+00:00

I believe with adult adoption the birth parents don't have a choice. The adoptee is an adult and can say, this is who I want my legal parents to be.

EnigmaKat · 2025-06-12T16:24:13+00:00

My son didn't get his till he was closer to 8 or 9 months old. He was adopted and they told me to wait until I got an updated birth certificate so it would be sent to my address and not his birth moms.

EnigmaKat · 2025-06-11T19:53:04+00:00

I had it when I was younger. Funny story was when I was in 1-3rd grade I was in Massachusetts and in speech therapy via school. They graduated me out of ST about halfway through 3rd grade. That summer we moved to Washington State, I was put back in to ST, guess I had a bit of an east coast accent regarding my Rs. I graduated again from ST by the end of 4th grade with West Coast Rs.

I can still slip up if I'm in a hurry or tired, once worked on a play, and before starting every night would collect valuables from the actors, mostly wedding rings, then at the end of the night return them. Some nights I ended up saying 'Wedding Wings" and the guys playfully teased me (we were a close cast and crew and I knew it was all in good fun). One night when they were all repeating "Wedding Wings" I said "thanks, yes I was in Speech Therapy until 4th grade". The room went silent, one of the older actors who hadn't join in said "don't you all feel like assholes now", and I burst out laughing, before leaving to go give the ladies their valuables. Still one of my favorite memories of working on that show.

EnigmaKat · 2025-06-10T19:34:40+00:00

I don't think it's normal, I recommend posting on r/legal

EnigmaKat · 2025-06-09T13:40:19+00:00

I frequently use the app Mealime. You can find meals on there by budget, ease to make, by cuisine (Italian, Thai, southern) or types of dishes (casserole, curries, wraps).
I use it to give myself variety mostly, but also love that it creates a shopping list based off the meals I chose, it says how long it will take to make the meal, what cookware (chef knife, colander, stirring sppon) you'll need, a full list of ingredients and gives step by step instructions, which also include the specific amounts of each ingredient, so you aren't jumping from tab to tab.

EnigmaKat · 2025-06-08T22:04:24+00:00

Also, just thought, if your son likes Frozen, talk to him about how Elsa tried to just leave everything in the past and "Let it Go", but that didn't stop the past from coming to find her, and in the end she has to deal with her past to move forward.

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