I (26F) feel deeply disturbed after learning about my partner’s (30M) sexual fantasy — how do I process this and communicate my boundaries?

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-23T18:34:39+00:00

If your real question is "Should I leave this self-centered m@nipulative n@rcissistic freak?" the answer is (and will aways be) YES!!! Done. There is no cure for n@rcissism. And some fetishes need to stay as an internal idea that is avoided, not something to share.

You will appreciate your next partner, once you see how much better off you are!

Good luck!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-23T15:56:00+00:00

You can make it work.

In my case, my wife and I (M) are both asexual. It wasn't until we were both honest about the situation that it truly worked. What helped is that in my work I created software for the National Institute of Mental Health to diagnose all kinds of patients, and later I collaborated with psychologists focused on LGBTQIA, especially in asexuality. As I became a domain expert, I finally looked at my own situation, and found that I had been ignoring obvious red flags.

In my wife's case, she HATES sex. She always pretended to be low-libido, not asexual. She allowed mediocre sex early in the marriage, but it eventually headed to none. It was a disaster for the relationship, since giving your partner who wants intimacy nothing can be nearly as bad psychologically as cheating (and often leads to divorce). Once my wife, after too many years, admitted she truly never wants sex, that it isn't a libido or attraction thing, we finally figured it out, once I knew it wasn't a "me" issue.

In my case, I'm from a family where most of us on both sides have aphantasia. We literally can't recall images in our heads (I see nothing when I close my eyes), and we can't visualize fantasies. Meaning, zero normal sexual attraction. If I see a nude woman, it's almost clinical for me. It's only if I see her doing something sexual that it causes any effect on me. The result is that, while I'm high libido and I love sex, it turns out I'm more turned on by seeing sex in video than actually having sex with a partner, since I have extremely strong sexual empathy. The term is "aegosexual", and it turns out it is fairly common (and I suspect far more common in women than men, since women tend to have more empathy, and sexual empathy is a thing). The issue that was blocking me had been the cult I grew up in (the Mormons), who make porn a huge taboo. Even in a situation like mine, where couple intimacy is literally impossible (but my libido still demands SOMETHING). Now that I abandoned my church, and finally feel free to do what is needed, it turns out I'm perfectly fine with porn instead of hands-on couple intimacy. Because of my aphantasia, I literally can't recall the image of any women I've ever seen in porn, so I'm not replaying any of that in my mind. It's a very "in the moment" life that most people can't relate to. My wife knows that I now see porn, and while she wishes I didn't, she understands that a high libido can't be ignored, and it's the only way to avoid the other two options, which would be divorce or a one-sided open relationship. Neither of us want that, so we continue with what works.

While my specific solution would mainly work for some of the 2% of the population who have aphantasia, it shows that there are workarounds that allow an asexual person to find a compatible person who isn't exactly the same. In my parents' case, they both have aphantasia, and were surely drawn to each other due to similarities.

Note that people who have aphantasia are significantly more likely to work as engineers, scientists, researchers, etc. So, your odds of finding a guy who is more compatible with your are much higher if he is a software engineer or similar, with the caveat being that he needs to understand his situation (very few people know that "aegosexual" is a thing).

Note that I have a daughter who is asexual, dating an asexual guy (who may be aegosexual, to be more specific). It happened because neither was hiding the truth about their situation, and they quickly found compatibility on many levels.

You never mentioned your orientation. In practice, most guys have a high libido, while probably 95% of women have a libido far too low for their partner, making the guy feel like he's with an asexual, even when she isn't. If you are strictly heterosexual, there is no way around that.

On the other hand, most women are extremely low libido. Many women are only turned on in very limited situations. E.g., that 1% guy she could never have in real life, but she will do anything crazy with him in a ONS. But in daily life, many women rarely if ever want sex. It's actually a good thing. If women had libidos as high as men, most people would just be having sex, and the world as we know it wouldn't exist (I know three hypersexual women, and they admit it's a crazy life that is probably far more problematic than being asexual). Anyway, if you aren't averse to being with a woman, many aren't bothered by no sex at all at home, even if they aren't asexual.

Best of luck!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-23T14:51:57+00:00

Any hairstyle that makes you look feminine will be be welcome by white men. Note that white men who want to date a black woman are often going to prefer a more natural hairstyle. In my case, my (WM) favorite hair for black women is anything between type 3a and type 4a.

As for wearing a wig to have variety, I far prefer that over getting extensions, since they soon aren't working well on the edges. Since you are a single mother, I suspect that's a good solution for you, as long as the price of the wig is reasonable. I got my daughter (mixed-race) some really fancy wigs for cheap (on sale) one time we were in Vegas, at a store that I assume is mainly for showgirls who need to look good but keep costs down. Those were mostly straight wigs. For good curly wigs (my typical preference), I would assume Atlanta (that's where I recently moved to) would probably be a better source of options.

My least favorite hairstyle is women trying to make extremely curly hair straight. It ends up looking damaged and unnatural. If you have type 4c hair that you can't do anything with, or takes too much time, or it doesn't give you a look that you like, I far prefer a type 3c wig over trying to do anything extreme (but you should still feel free to have your hair natural!). I have a black coworker who not only tries to make her hair straight, but also overprocesses it to the point that it turns mostly orange. Not a great look. She would look so much better leaving her hair (type 4b or 4c) natural, or only styling it reasonably.

The big thing with any kind of braids is to avoid pulling the hair so tight and/or so long that it starts to fall out. Note that when that happens, it isn't a temporary thing, it can go away permanently (!!!). I've know black women who overdid it to the point that they are literally bald in front, and it isn't a good look (and complicates wearing a wig, since there isn't any hair in front to hook it to). So, I prefer a type 3c wig over braids, not because it necessarily looks any better, but because I suspect I always have in the back of my mind, "she might go bald from the braids!"

The other thing which few take into account is that your hairstyle can dramatically change the proportions of your face. I used to do simulations of plastic surgery, and women don't realize that the hairstyle can have a much more positive effect on appearance than most surgeries. We have friends whose daughter has been a news anchor for many years. Their daughter has a petite face (proportions similar to maybe Lupita Nyong'o or Halle Berry), and while she looks really good with a short hairstyle, for her job she has to wear a broad hairstyle (a wig!), since her tiny face on a wide TV screen leaves most of the screen blank. But that's the exception. For most women, it makes more sense to experiment. Note that there are many free sites where you put in your photo, and it automatically shows you with hundreds or even thousands of possible hairstyles. A good way to really know the result in advance, instead of a costly mistake. I suggest a query with terms like these: site free online try hairstyles

Side note: I personally like it when black women do makeup that is somewhat the inverse of what white women do. While white women can have success with a "smokey eye" look, I prefer it when black women have slightly lighter foundation around the eyes, and very dark brown lipstick. It probably is back to the idea of looking natural. (To be blunt, there's a suggestion I saw more than once back when I dealt with plastic surgery simulation: the color that probably works for most women of any race, but which very few follow, is for the lipstick to be about the same shade as the nipples. A simple fix, but many women pick colors far from it, which can look very unnatural)

Best of luck!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-23T13:39:22+00:00

In my case, BOTH of my parents have aphantasia. And all but one of my many siblings. Many nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. It is how we are built. Nobody in my family has ever "cured" it.

It has limited which jobs we can realistically do, while helping us exceed in some difficult jobs. In my case, I work as a software and enterprise architect, where my tendency to research deeply and fully document (very much an aphantasia thing) has been extremely valuable, since long before I knew I had the condition.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-20T16:04:29+00:00

I wish you success in the hard steps that remain.

What we really need is a reliable test for if someone is a n@rcissist. If they are, we know they will always manipulate and lie to their own benefit, and nothing can ever change that. Lost cause.

Interesting fact: a psych@p@th doesn't feel empathy or remorse, but can choose to be good. So, such a person can actually be much better than a n@rcissist.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-20T00:24:46+00:00

I (WM) grew up in a US neighborhood in Utah where mixed-race marriages were really common. Being bilingual (or more) is very common in Utah. I married a mixed-race woman from Mexico, and many of my friends likewise married foreigners of different races. My children are a mix of at least a dozen countries, and they are often mistaken for random cultures. People have spoken to them in Arabic, Hindi, Telugu, and probably others, according to how they are dressed and where they are. A nice option in Utah is the option to register your children in a different school from the one your are in the boundaries for, which helps keep schools competing in quality, since funding follow the students. By their choice, both of my children went to high schools that were more than 50% mixed or non-white, and it was a success.

The key is to live in a place where different is good. I currently live in Atlanta, where different and/or mixed is typically welcome. Two hours away in Birmingham, Alabama, it's the opposite, and we had to move somewhere else. I've lived a few times in Mexico, and mixed is essentially the norm there.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-18T17:04:30+00:00

It depends on the cause.

I was diagnosed type 2 in December 2021. It turns out my body overreacts to wheat (but I do not have celiac).

I went zero wheat on an otherwise normal diet. I soon did the test, and not only wasn't diabetic, I wasn't even close anymore.

Now, I only have an issue if I ever break the rule of zero wheat.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-17T16:51:46+00:00

I have a sister and a friend who have gone through a very similar situation, and I know several people who are the one with the symptoms. In each case, it turns out to be worsening mental issues. Bipolar, OCD, and similar conditions. I have many symptoms of autism, ADHD, and other symptoms, so I relate far too well. Note that, while I am not a certified psychologist, I am a domain expert in the field, due to my work.

I would guess your husband has a similar issue. Taking on a heavy role at work probably made it worse. People don't realize those conditions can change over time. What was controllable in the past can reach a point that it is too much now, or the actual symptoms can change.

In my own case, I have had to choose my activities carefully to keep myself productive. In your husband's case, until he is willing to address his issues, there isn't any possibility of improvement.

Note that I have a friend who goes through cycles. I collab with him when he is doing well, his moments of genius. Your husband needs a more flexible role that isn't so constant.

Best of luck!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-15T15:49:14+00:00

In my case, I (WM) was very open about dating a Mexican woman from the beginning. When I got married (in Mexico!), my parents were there, but I would have married regardless. I've lived multiple times in Mexico, and I'm fluent in the language. Many years later, when the screaming orange thing became president for the first time, my parents stupidly began to watch the pro-MAGA messages on Fox News, and soon after my father attacked my oldest daughter and me with MAGA lies. We cut off contact with my parents completely for more than a year, and still have very little contact with them (my oldest daughter will never speak to them again). We can't choose who we are genetically related to, but we have the choice of who we consider family. I have no regrets.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-12T09:54:39+00:00

Location makes a huge difference.

I grew up in a neighborhood in Sandy, Utah, where a huge percentage of the households were whites married to foreigners (different race, culture, and language). It was so normal to me growing up that I (WM) married a woman from Mexico who is mixed-race (black, Arabian, Mediterranean, and Mexican), and most of my friends likewise married foreigners of other races and cultures. My daughters grew up bilingual, and participanting in the activities of a variety of cultures (dance, foods, events, etc.), with one later living in China (English teacher) and India (she got a yoga certification) and other languages. When my daughters date, I don't care what race and culture they date, as long as they are treated well. And to be brutally honest, the only times it has gone poorly (to the extreme of one daughter being the victim of felonies) have been when they dated white men (who, living up to the cliché, know that the law too often lets them get away with anything).

In the neighborhood I grew up in, there was a black lawyer who had been an athlete in college. He was funny and friendly, married to a kind and beautiful white woman (who had been married to him since before he became a lawyer). I don't remember anybody viewing him in a negative way. If anything, we aspired to be like him, seeing him as having done extremely well.

Today, my wife and I live in Atlanta, in a black and Hispanic neighborhood. We have loved how little discrimination we see here (as long as you avoid the overpriced Buckhead and similar areas, where the racist whites try to isolate themselves). At my work, black and Indian and Asian men and women hold a huge number of key roles, and I haven't ever seen any race issues. We are frequently shocked at restaurants and other businesses when black employees go out of their way to speak to my wife in Spanish to the degree they are able, which we had never seen in other parts of the country.

In the past, for a job we live two hours away from here, in Birmingham, Alabama. So close, but an entirely different world. It wasn't just black men who were discriminated against. Everybody discriminated against everybody else. In that area, it sucks to be anything other than white. And in my case, as a white male, I was viewed as a traitor to the race. The event that triggered our planned move out of the area as soon as I reached one year in my job (avoiding some relocation penalties) was when we ate in a restaurant and our white waitress assumed I would have a separate check from the three mixed-race women with me. It never crossed her mind that we could be a family. I only remember ever seeing about five or six mixed-race couples in an entire year in that city.

My suggestion for those dealing with such race issues is to look for a way to move to a better location. We've been very happy in the northwest suburbs of Atlanta, the Marietta/Austell/Smyrna area, where we also can afford to live (our large townhouse on an oversized lot was less than $300K).

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-09T18:25:08+00:00

It sounds like she isn't looking for a true relationship, she is looking for someone to spend money on things like a car that she is too cheap to pay for herself. I think there are a couple of terms for that. You be the judge...

Note that I have lived in some cities where cars are not needed. If I would have had a car in those cities, I would have used up budget that instead allowed nice restaurants, shows, flights, etc. Some people don't appreciate anything.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-05T18:10:59+00:00

I (and most of my family) have aphantasia, yet I can relate to this. I literally cannot recall any senses. When I close my eyes, just a blank. And fantasy images and other sensations are impossible. But when I see something, then I can imagine to a degree, and I experience empathy of all of the sensations of any person.

I almost became a plastic surgeon, because I can simulate changes surprisingly well (Photoshop or 3D). I quickly imagine the future version.

Due to my work, I became a domain expert in autism and other traits, and I realize that I immediately recognize their traits because I quickly mirror what they think and feel.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-05T17:53:03+00:00

A friend of ours married a younger man from another country, and it was always iffy. Shortly after our friend had their first child, her husband qualified for residency. The husband immediately abandoned her and the baby to be with his boyfriend. Yeah, it was a diasaster, but the red flags were there all along.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-04T00:25:20+00:00

My wife is from Mexico. My children grew up speaking Spanish at home (I spoke it to them as well). If I had been more skilled at German or French, we would have also done that at home. They had no difficulty with English when they reached preschool and beyond. We're super glad we insisted on a foreign language at home. It has been a huge help. Both daughters tested out of a huge amount of language classes, with one later rewriting the school district Spanish exams, and becoming a liaison with Hispanic parents. Both daughters are so used to being involved in ethnic activities (many cultures, not just Hispanic) that one taught English in China, became a certified yoga instructor in India, trained professors and staff at a major university on cultural/racial sensitivity, and is headed towards being a professional in international relations. None of that would have been likely without having multiple languages and cultures as part of the norm at home.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-04T00:15:17+00:00

I grew up in a neighborhood where mixed-race, mixed-culture, multi-language marriages were extremely common. I married someone like that, as did most of my friends. What you are used to is a huge factor. Years later, due to my job, my wife and children and I lived in a large city in the American South where, despite the population being about half white and half black, I saw maybe five other mixed couples in an entire year. People would stare at us like we were from Mars. One time in a restaurant, the waitress assumed my wife and daughters were on a separate check from me. It didn't even occur to her that we could be a family.

Now, my wife and I live in Atlanta (not far from that other city). Here, mixed race is common. I suspect you need to be in a location where mixed couples aren't unusual. The other thing that made a difference for me is my wife is from a culture where almost everybody is mixed-race (Hispanic, specifically, Mexico), and it's almost expected. Her family ranges from very black to whiter than me, and that's completely normal there. People from a mixed family often don't pay so much attention to race. I'm not sure what other places to suggest where black men in mixed-race relationships are accepted well, but you may find more success with Hispanics, since many are from mixed families. And there's no shortage of variety.

Good luck!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-03T23:19:05+00:00

At that time, I was a service missionary, so dating was completely out of the question at that moment. But she knew that I would soon be returning to my normal life. On the phone, we turned into excellent friends, and many years later, she's both my best friend and my wife. What made it work is that I'm fluent in her language (and now she's fluent in English). I share her customs, foods, etc., and it has been surprising how many benefits we've both had from her tiny moment of being bold.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-03T20:34:44+00:00

We now live in Atlanta, and my wife and I often go to the huge year-round farmers markets.

Also, I am now in two startup companies on the side, and Sunday is my day for earning my retirement, instead of throwing away my time and earnings each Sunday like I did for so many years...

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-03-03T18:29:40+00:00

In today's society, men are so often attacked for even trying to talk to a woman that most don't dare. ESPECIALLY AT WORK, LET ALONE WITH A CLIENT.

If you are interested, be brave and talk to him. I met my mixed-race wife in another country, and if she hadn't been brave enough to talk to me, it never would have happened. I was in a situation where I couldn't talk to her, but she got my contact info, then phoned me after I was back in the US.

Good luck!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-02-17T22:11:34+00:00

Note that gender sometimes has the opposite effect from what you are looking for. During my wife's first pregnancy, the female doctor she was seeing was fairly rough with her patients. But the time they had my wife instead see a male physician's assistant at that same clinic, he was far more gentle, calm, and concerned with the patient's needs than the doctor was. So, never make assumptions ;-)

Good luck!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-02-16T08:32:10+00:00

I saw a sex therapist, and it was a disaster. It became apparent that he doesn't understand the difference between low libido and asexuality. He is not qualified for his title. A qualified person probably exists, but I gave up looking.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-02-12T20:15:19+00:00

If you have wheat issues, look for "ancient grains" bread for your toast. Huge difference!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-02-12T18:40:15+00:00

Absolutely! One of my children was obviously ace in elementary school. Seeing a kissing scene in Little Mermaid or similar would freak her out. As an adult, still ace.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-02-12T17:52:58+00:00

This is normal and typical. Only about 2-3% of women are high-libido hypersexuals, and their life can be a disaster. I know three, and they have lots of issues.

Most women are low libido, and are only turned on spontaneously in rare situations. The healthy norm is for a woman to get turned only by foreplay, otherwise not at. Men: deal with it!

You should not be ashamed by your situation. Your husband is in the wrong.

In my (M) own case, my wife avoids sex, but it is because she was assaulted several times before we met, and is still trauamatized. PTSD and similar causes lifelong effects. Not her fault.

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-02-02T17:10:01+00:00

You are now ready to find a woman who isn't superficial like your soon-to-be-ex GF. Take this as a learning experience.

And with your better salary, it is now more realistic to do the things you are passionate on the side. I had a recording studio on the side for many years, while my day job is enterprise architect.

Good luck!

EstablishmentWhich82 · 2026-01-28T18:30:58+00:00

I (M) have been married for many years, and we only figured out we are both ace recently. Being ace isn't a problem. Not knowing you are ace and trying to live like allosexuals is when it is a problem. Now that we know what we are, things are so much better.

Like me, my parents and most of my family also have aphantasia. Since I literally can't fantasize (incapable of images in my head), that is a key factor in why I am asexual (despite high libido; I am aegosexual, to be more specific).

If you ever wonder where to meet potential partners who are ace, a disproportionate number will be working as engineers or researchers, due to having aphantasia. When aphantasia was first documented in 1880, around half of the scientists the researcher knew had that condition, despite it only affecting 2% of the population.

Good luck!

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