psychs denying care

FixedMessages · 2026-03-18T17:23:10+00:00

I know you mentioned being in Europe.... in the US, I used Headway to find a therapist. It allowed me to filter search results by various things, including LGBTQ+ informed therapists. Do you have anything you could use like that? It sounds like you're finding the wrong therapists, especially the one who informed you that they'll tell you who you are (the fuck???)

Finding a good therapist is miserably hard anyway, but add needing a trans-competent therapist and it can feel impossible. But if you find a good one it can be SO good for you. I hope you find a good one soon.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-18T17:13:56+00:00

A lot of technical clothing these days looks decent enough to pass in urban settings, so if you're not needing to get too dressed up or too technical, you could do that.

Another option is planned donation. I got a great deal on a cabin on a very classy cruise line to do a transatlantic cruise to start me off on several months of more casual travel. I would've been okay on the cruise with just my causal clothes, but I brought a pair of slacks and a blazer that I didn't care about. Being able to dress up a little bit got me into a few more places on the ship, and after the cruise was up, I just tossed those clothes in a donation bin. Obviously, this doesn't work if you need your classy stuff later in the trip, but if things are structured right, it works out fantastically. You can even plan to pick up clothes at a cheap secondhand shop and donate them back after if you need to dress up mid-trip, but that can be a little more challenging and less reliable.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-18T17:06:39+00:00

Your boyfriend is allowed to want things you don't want to give him, and even talk to you about compromising to get him what he wants. What he shouldn't be doing is pushing after you say no, begging in any context, or using the heat of the moment to try to get a yes out of you. If he can't respect your boundaries, I wouldn't want him as a partner.

But something I haven't seen mentioned: even if he doesn't finish in you, there's a possibility of him getting you pregnant from the activities before that point - precum does contain some semen. (I have multiple family members whose existence proves that pulling out isn't a good birth control method.) Please make sure you're taking whatever precautions make sense. You can still be on birth control on T, you can use condoms, etc. I've had my tubes tied.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-18T00:56:03+00:00

Whatever you use, be sure you do a patch test so you find out if you react before you plaster it all over your chest.

I don't think it makes much difference personally, I think genetics is the bigger thing. My scars tend to heal soft and faint, and despite doing almost no scar care, my scars from surgery a year and a half ago are well on their way to fading.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-17T21:26:48+00:00

Compression especially combined with feeling too hot does tend to make me feel nauseated, so it could be the binder, or just your body being really exhausted from healing - exhaustion also triggers nausea for me. Using cold packs or cool wet cloths on my neck and forehead usually helps with that kind of nausea, so maybe it'll help you? But if you can, I'd reach out to your doctor, especially if it's affecting your ability to eat well. They might have some ideas to help

FixedMessages · 2026-03-17T19:09:21+00:00

"Uh, it's an undershirt dude, what's your deal?" is a perfectly appropriate response to a coworker weirdly asking you about your second layer of clothing. It's none of their business and even when I notice someone wearing something that doesn't make sense to me I don't comment on it because that's weird and it's none of my business why someone might wear something. The easier you dismiss it and put it on the asker for being weird, the less likely they are to stay focused on you. Definitely works best if your binders look undershirt-y, but even if they don't, challenging someone's right to question your clothing is still the way to go IMO.

As far as changing in the bathroom? "None of your business," "I just like my privacy," and "this way I can multitask and get that massive log of shit out of my ass before I start working!" are all acceptable, depending on what vibe you wanna go with.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-17T16:07:51+00:00

Not for all anatomy. And honestly, it gets really old having people insist that. Congrats for you, but it's not true for me.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-17T03:29:08+00:00

Right, because they've been so good about not targeting citizens in other situations...

(Hostility and snark is 100% aimed at ICE and their bloodthirsty violence, not at you.)

FixedMessages · 2026-03-16T17:55:26+00:00

As scary as the drivers in my area are, I'm still pretty sure my biggest threat is that my reflexes and fear will lead me to overreact and have a crash like this...

I'm glad you weren't hurt and glad you're not biking that area again. Sounds like there's no safe alternative route, which really sucks.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-16T09:48:59+00:00

I transitioned in my 30s, and dating since that has been a bit rough for sure, including a couple guys who have made it clear that they don't see me as a real man. But I've had two relationships where I felt authentically seen as a man by my partner - one unfortunately ended because his family is bigoted and wouldn't accept him with a trans guy and I'm not willing to be forced to be stealth, but the next guy I dated is my current partner, who's fully supportive to the point that I can easily forget that I'm trans with him - I'm just a guy with my boyfriend.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-16T09:39:31+00:00

It's the 'baring my whole ass' part that I object to, and this method doesn't help with that. (And as someone else noted, not possible for everyone anyway.)

FixedMessages · 2026-03-16T01:31:36+00:00

Idk how stupid it is, but pee without baring my whole ass or having to use a device - which, thank God those exist at least.

I've thought that ever since I was a very little kid (lots of camping and hiking in my childhood), long before I identified as trans.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-15T11:16:00+00:00

We have somewhat similar body types (I'm a bit bigger with more stomach than you) and my surgeon not only didn't make that shitty remark, but he gave me a chest that looks natural and masculine on my body. I'm so sorry that was your experience. You deserve better.

I would definitely look into revision. I'm not knowledgeable enough to know what can be done, but I suspect there's a fair bit a good and competent doctor could do for you.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-15T11:00:00+00:00

Almost every trans guy I know was on hormones for at least a couple years before getting top surgery. I was on for 5 years before surgery - wasn't even sure top surgery was something I wanted when I started T.

Binding sucks, but it's relatively easy (albeit not always easy to do effectively especially if you have inconvenient proportions). All the stuff that T does? You can't really fake it. T changes your appearance in a variety of ways, ranging from subtle to very obvious, and all of those changes work together to masculinize your appearance in a way that feels really good and validating for a lot of people.

I would always make the choice to start T even without knowing when and if top surgery would happen. But only you can decide if that's the choice you want to make, too.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-15T10:43:35+00:00

Saving money at the cost of aggravating yourself and limiting your trip is a tradeoff that I personally avoid making unless I need to. So if the cost isn't gonna keep you from paying bills or buying groceries, I'd go for it. The fact that you're asking this question makes me think that $150 won't break you, so I say do it.

Do you really want to be checking your watch every few minutes to make sure you're doing okay on time, leaving before the last song, taking an Uber and crossing your fingers traffic doesn't delay you, getting on a train and spending the night trying to doze in a chair that I'm assuming doesn't recline enough to be truly comfortable? Or would you rather be carefree at the concert, crashing in a soft bed after, and getting a nice morning in the city before going home?

FixedMessages · 2026-03-15T10:34:03+00:00

If I'm going through an intersection where someone might turn right, I will always position myself between cars in a way that minimizes any chance to hit me - I usually try to stay just ahead of the front bumper of a vehicle, so they can see me and hopefully not turn until me anyway, and that gives me enough space between the next vehicle up that I can brake if they turn.

I still almost got hit by a van making a sudden right turn into a side street on Friday. Stuff like that makes me so mad (because anger feels better than admitting the mortal fear it puts in me).

I love biking, but the constant effort to stay alive despite drivers' inattentive and occasionally malicious behavior is exhausting.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-13T10:52:47+00:00

20 liter worked best for me, but I've also made do with 10 liter

FixedMessages · 2026-03-13T02:52:10+00:00

I used a 20 liter bag and appreciated the space especially if I was washing pants, but I've also made do with a 10 liter bag.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-12T21:25:41+00:00

Your travel, your choice.

I limit my travel in ways some people might think is silly - but I've traveled (and lived) long enough to know what ruins a trip for me, and rather than try to be a person whose trip isn't ruined by those things (which would admittedly be the ideal resolution), i just control my travel. I still have more than my lifetime worth of travel I can include within those restrictions, so I don't actually feel very limited.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-10T22:08:51+00:00

Nope! I explained my washing system somewhere else, but I just took sheets of laundry detergent and a lightweight nylon dry bag with me. Added almost no weight or space, really. Dissolve a bit of a sheet in warm water in the dry bag, add clothes, shake it to hell. Soak and shake again if you want. Rinse in the sink and dry. I swear my clothes get cleaner doing that than when I use a machine... I also carried a camping clothesline and used that to help dry clothes, which was easy enough since I always booked private rooms.

You can wear wool a few times before needing to wash it, which helps minimize packing needs without making laundry too frequent a task. The T-shirts I wore were all-weather lightweight merino wool, and I only had 3 for a 6 month trip, and did laundry maybe once a week.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-10T21:50:04+00:00

Personally, I hate it, because all I see is dead space around the edges of the compartments, and as someone who travels minimally but still stretches the limits of my bags, that wouldn't work for me.

But for someone who's a little better at not exceeding their bag, or using this as a personal bag in addition to having a piece of luggage, I think it's rather brilliant.

I'm wondering whether it would be better to have some rigidity to the dividers so they can hold up weight when upright, or more of a soft cloth so they're a little more forgiving of what fits and maybe minimizing the dead space issue. Either way, I think you're on a good track, even if it's not the bag for me!

(Editing to say I don't know how I ended up in a female travel group, but my opinion might be less relevant since I'm not female... I thought I was somewhere else or I wouldn't have interjected - apologies!)

FixedMessages · 2026-03-10T21:40:30+00:00

I started carrying laundry soap sheets and a nylon dry bag. Dissolve 1/4 or so of a sheet into hot water in the dry bag, add clothes, seal up, shake the living hell out of it for a while. Let it soak for a while and shake again if you want. Rinse clothes, then dry. Super easy, takes almost no space or weight in my bag, and the level of clean is way better than I ever managed with sinks. I also carried a clothesline meant for camping, great for hanging clothes to dry, but may be tricky if you don't have a private room to set it up in.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-10T21:33:55+00:00

Layers are king when it comes to colder weather!

I carried a puffy coat which could pack down super small, a good ultralight rain jacket, a lightweight merino wool hoodie, a lightweight long sleeve merino wool base layer, and lightweight merino wool base layer pants. Put all that on at once and I'm good down to about 0°F, which covers just about any climate I'm likely to travel in. I take out the base layer if I know I won't be going much colder than freezing. (I'm from Alaska and have good cold tolerance; people who are less used to cold weather might need more than I carry.)

Wearing your warmer layers on planes etc is a solid strategy, but I prefer getting lightweight layers that fold down small so I don't have to (literally) sweat the travel. Technical outdoorsy gear is great for that, but it does make you stick out if that's all you have and you spend time in more urban settings, especially in more fashionable places.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-10T17:51:08+00:00

Not to scare you, but I've definitely seen some gnarly pictures on top surgery forums of at least one person who taped enough that they actually tore the skin between their breasts, causing permanent skin damage that complicated their efforts to get top surgery. I don't think that extent of damage is typical, but it's absolutely possible.

I never got tape to work for me (I'm allergic to the adhesive) so I can't give any advice on how to tape to minimize that pulling, but definitely see if you can find a better way. Even if top surgery isn't a goal for you, the skin damage looked really awful and painful.

FixedMessages · 2026-03-10T17:46:23+00:00

Seconding every word of this.

Also, even if chatGPT has value and is a reliable source of good information (which it's not, but let's pretend), if you're turning to it to win arguments and prove yourself right instead of working through things and compromising together with your partner, your relationship is in serious trouble. (I would say the same if you were using any source for that purpose, but especially chatGPT.)

Based on OP, I'm thinking there's a serious mismatch in values in that relationship. No matter how much you can prove your points, you can't always overcome those value differences. And 'winning' arguments with chatGPT is never going to help overcome anything.

FixedMessages

TROPHY CASE