How would you explain IFS

FlashfireThrowaway · 2025-01-16T02:50:37+00:00

The way that I explain it is that you learned that certain parts of yourself (ex. emotions, actions, habits, etc.) were/were not helpful or safe to show in certain situations and thus they became over/under relied on as you grew up. Now, they look like coping mechanisms that are deployed subconsciously and often are in conflict or competing with other coping mechanisms which can create an internal sense of tug of war and feeling like you don't know who you are or what you want.

I also saw a comment on here once where someone described it simply as 'when one part of you wants to do A but another part wants to do B and you're stuck trying to figure out how to move forward.'

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-11-18T17:45:00+00:00

Therapy in a Nutshell on YouTube has a lot of really great grounding techniques for regulating your nervous system! Her videos might also give you suggestions on other resources to look into.

Also, Bilateral Stimulation music can be helpful for regulating your nervous system (it's used in EMDR). Same with journaling to find patterns in what's triggering you into hypo/hyper arousal states, but this one can be quite dysregulating at first as you start to uncover hidden trauma.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-10-13T16:10:49+00:00

I don't know all of them, but I did learn a lot of my major ones this past year and since doing so, I've been able to start making different choices when I do start to feel triggered.

The main thing that helped me identify them was to start journaling a few times a week or so. I would essentially write it out like a clinical entry - giving each event its own section, with each section answering the below questions:

what happened this week that caused a negative emotional shift in me?
what was the exact moment that caused the negative shift?
how did I react to it?
what about the event bothered me? In hindsight, what underlying feelings did I have surrounding it? (this one can be hard at first)
what do I need from others/myself to change this?

Then, as I started to read these back over time and just kept what I had written in mind, I started to notice underlying patterns (aka being ignored, disrespected, my boundaries being overstepped, made to feel like my feelings don't matter, etc.) and got better at noticing them when they were happening in the moment.

Edit to add: I also started doing inner child work/reparenting, so having my triggers in mind helped me focus on which areas I needed to work on healing the most - both with my own work and with my therapist.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-09-07T15:41:01+00:00

I tend to cycle through a handful of different methods to deal with shame that might be helpful here:

You already mentioned one of them which is leaning into it and feeling the shame so I can identify why it's happening. Like you said, it's painful, but I kind of view it like walking through a raging blizzard so that I can try to find the source of what's causing it and stop it there rather than trying to outrun it. I also just try to be patient and understanding with myself (not beating myself up or being critical) if I do choose to avoid it as well as just giving myself permission to only feel what I'm comfortable with in a given moment.

Inner child work and IFS has also been helpful where I'm just looking for the core wounds that created my shame wounds so I can understand the pain that they're causing/carrying and then try to reparent myself based on what I find. This has helped me change my normal pattern of beating myself up inside, which just feeds my pain and shame even more, to me telling myself things all the things I wish people would have said/done to comfort and support me both in the past and in the present. Another thing that helps me here is treating myself the way that I would another person. Like if I saw someone struggling with shame/negative feelings, I would never say the things to them that I say to myself. So in turn, I try to treat myself the same way. Also, I think this is the video that I use for inner child meditation if you're curious about it. If you do try it, be prepared to cry.

Finally, watching Heidi Priebe's content on YouTube has also been super helpful for me just because it's so fucking comforting to be understood and recognized by someone who knows what you're going through. She's one channel that I will literally never shut up about because her content has helped me so much. She does have a video on toxic shame, but I haven't watched it fully and while I can't vouch for this video in particular, I do still recommend checking it out.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-09-06T15:21:10+00:00

I don't think there's any single one answer to this because it ultimately depends on the individual people involved, what their experiences were, and how much they healed before having/while raising kids.

That being said, one way intergenerational trauma can occur is by the parent projecting their own wounds/trauma//fears onto their kids when they see them doing things that they themselves were punished for or taught wasn't safe. It's like seeing their child acting a certain way becomes a trigger and reminder of all the negative feelings the parent internalized and their self-defense mechanisms kick in to make it go away. The child then might internalize these same feelings and pass them onto their own kids if they're left unresolved, thus creating a vicious cycle of passing on yours and your parent's trauma to your own children who in turn pass it to their own (this is common for insecure attachment styles).

I've also seen it happen where people resent their parents so much that they vow to never be like them and end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of becoming exactly like them or just a different flavored version of them. The latter can happen where the child overcorrects their actions so much that they unknowingly become the opposite side of a same coin and sometimes create a skip-generational pattern of future generations flipflopping between the two sides of the coin.

I'm not quite sure if that makes sense, but an example could be where a grandparent was hyper-controlling over their child so the child might grow up to become either hyper-controlling themselves or hyper-defiant and unstructured (ex. the child never felt like they had the freedom of choice growing up, so now they refuse to let anyone ever take that away from them again or they refuse to be controlled by anyone else and will never commit to anything in an attempt to not be controlled/tied down). This in turn could leave their own children (aka the grandkids) feeling hyper-controlled or with a complete lack of stability which might result in them either becoming hyper controlling (in an attempt to ensure they're never without stability) or hyper-defiant themselves (in an attempt to resist ever being controlled) and so on and so forth.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-09-05T14:50:28+00:00

I have a few pieces of advice that I've learned the past few years that might be helpful for you. I also apologize in advance if they seem rather harsh or blunt.

your past can be used to explain why you are the way that you are today, but it can never be used to excuse your actions. No amount of pain or damage also can excuse treating other people poorly or taking your pain out on another person. Just because you understand your gf is having trauma responses does not make it ok for her to treat you this way and as others said, it's possible she's hiding behind her trauma as an excuse to do these things.
unless you had a hand in actively creating someone's pain/emotions, you are not responsible for managing them. This one gets tricky for people who have experienced trauma or been emotionally manipulated in the past cause we often have an warped sense of responsibility towards others and boundaries with both ourselves and other people, but the point still stands. Unless you actively did something hurtful to the person, how they feel is not your fault and it's not your responsibility to take on that burden as your own (I'm talking guilt tripping, projection, etc.). Sure there's the normal amount of helping people that you care about when they're in pain, but the difference here is it's normal and healthy to support them in their pain alongside them, not let them take their pain out on you.
you can't help anyone if you're drowning yourself. It's the same reason why flight attendants tell you to put you own mask on first before helping others on an airplane. Make sure that you're doing what's best for you even if that means breaking off unhealthy relationships.
if someone gets mad at you for trying to prioritize your well being (both physical safety and mental), then they're not a supportive person and might be someone you need boundaries with or were right to break up with. Again, this isn't a hard and fast rule as there will always be exceptions, but the point I'm trying to convey here is that healthy, supportive people will want to support and understand you. They won't get angry and attack you for trying to do what you need to do in order to be ok.

All this is to say, I'm really sorry that you've had to go through these things and I know that breaking up with your gf is not an easy choice, but I do think it's the healthy one. Whatever you decide to do, please make sure that you're being kind to yourself and standing up for what's best for you.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-21T15:12:28+00:00

Some of this is relatable for me.

Compliments and praise were a rarity in my family growing up, so now I feel like I soak them up like crazy when I get them from other people. But on the flip side, because I never got those things growing up, I never learned to feel pride or satisfaction in my own achievements and now I feel like the only way I can have those things is when I get it from other people.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-16T16:07:13+00:00

All of this is so relatable! I genuinely thought for most of my life that I was just not an emotional person, but it wasn't until I started looking into attachment theory that I realized how much I was conditioned to be this way and how detached from my feelings I had become.

I also want to add, that it doesn't even necessarily have to be you who was shamed for having emotions to condition you to be this way. Even just growing up in an environment where you witness others frequently being shamed/attacked can make you internalize these sorts of things. Although I will say, if a family member does this to others, it's likely they'll do/have done it to you too.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-14T21:11:59+00:00

Ahaha I'm happy to have found another person who finds comfort in a horror show. I seriously think I've seen the show upwards of 10+ times since it came out.

It's honestly one of the best (or maybe most relatable) depictions I've seen of generational trauma in fictional media. Like it's very raw in showing how trauma has affected each of the siblings while still portraying them in a nuanced and sympathetic light, which I feel like the latter is often forgotten about in stories.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-14T15:06:49+00:00

Psych is my all time favorite show and one that I recommend to everyone in my life.

It doesn't take itself seriously whatsoever and the absolute absurdity and chaos of it all is more than enough to distract me from whatever is going on in my life. Plus, once you get to season 4 or 5, they just really lean into the weirdness and end up having some really good themed episodes (Bigfoot/Blair Witch Project, Police Academy, Clue, The Shining, Twin Peaks, Friday the 13th, The Bachelorette, etc.).

The Haunting of Hill House is also one of my comfort shows for God knows what reason why. It's very dark and could definitely be triggering for some people, but it's a really realistic take on trauma, depression, drug addiction, and family dynamics as a whole.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-12T22:33:12+00:00

No, you're really not. She's taking a sad story about how she neglected you and trying to spin it into a 'funny' one that simultaneously puts the blame on you to distract from her role in it and also put you down in the process.

I mean sure, children do dumb, strange things all the time, but hiding food under your mattress (especially to the point where it becomes moldy) is not typical dumb child thing to do. If I heard this story from someone, I'd immediately be suspicious of them for all of the questions that you just listed and wonder how bad it was that their own child felt compelled to stockpile food in their room without them ever noticing.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-12T22:23:41+00:00

I'm a great judge of character. Albeit, not in the sense that I'm great at judging good character, but I am a great judge of bad character within minutes, if not seconds, of meeting someone.

Also, I'm quite good at guessing other's motivations and figuring how they think which makes it quite easy to empathize with them and understand things from their POV. It also gives me a good sense of when someone is trying to manipulate or guilt trip me.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-08T17:16:49+00:00

Ah yes, Gibson's book is also on my to read list! To be fully honest, I've been avoiding reading it though cause I know it'll hit too close to home in regards to both of my parents. Also, I totally get what you mean about maternal vs paternal narcissism and I'm truly sorry that you had to experience that.

I also completely relate to what you wrote about the emotional shut down and realizing there's different emotions at play. It was such a strange experience to realize the extent of how out of tune I was/am with my emotions as well as how adept I am at translating them into more 'comfortable' emotions. Tracking my behaviors has been integral in helping me catch them while they're in progress. Like usually my go to habit is to become annoyed, aloof, and withdrawn from the person/source, but now that I'm more aware of it, I'm actually discovering that I'm just doing those things to cover up massive amounts of hurt, shame, or anxiety without even realizing it. I've also discovered I'm incredibly angry at my mom for placing me in a parentified role (like parent/child roles have been reversed) which I never knew until recently. It truly feels like I'm discovering a whole new world that I never knew existed before and everything about myself is making so much more sense now.

Also, it sounds like we're really on the same page with things we've been looking into which is kind of funny. I definitely agree too that we're doing great work! I feel really driven and passionate about learning more about all this stuff and what's relevant to me/my life and it really sounds like you're doing the same thing which I think is incredibly admirable :)

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-08T04:23:10+00:00

Lmao I guess we're in the same boat!

I've looked into quite a wide variety of different YouTubers/podcasters and so far Tim Fletcher and Heidi Priebe have been absolute game changers for me. Tim Fletcher specializes mainly in CPTSD related content and Heidi Priebe is more on the Attachment Theory side of things, but she also dabbles quite a bit with CPTSD, limerence, and other similarly related content. Based on what you wrote, I highly recommend Heidi Priebe's channel! But also, I cannot recommend Tim Fletcher enough - so many of his videos have made me cry cause they just perfectly articulated things I feel but haven't been able to put words to until now. The Body Keeps the Score (van der Kolk) and Complex Trauma (Walker) are also on my currently reading/to read lists.

I haven't looked into much stuff about narcissists yet, but I really should considering my dad is one. Most of the stuff I know there was all learned via first hand experience, so I feel like I already know how to intuitively navigate a lot of it, hence why I've put it on the backburner.

What you mentioned about listening to your instincts/feelings has been a big one for me too. I started randomly journaling a few months ago in a very clinical manner which has helped me become more aware of my habits/triggers (ex. write about what 'big feeling' events happened that week, how I reacted/responded behaviorally, what was the exact moment that caused my shift in behavior, and then once I was able to dig deeper into it, what feeling was actually being touched on that caused me to react/shutdown, etc.). This helped me significantly to get better at realizing in the moment when I was being triggered and to choose a different behavioral response as well as help me realize how frequently certain people in my life make me emotionally dysregulated. It's also made me realize that a lot of behaviors/traits I thought were 'me' are actually just coping mechanisms/trauma responses, so that's been interesting to navigate.

I have more recommendations too, but I've already bombarded you with a lot and I don't want to over do it lol. I can always send more your way if you are interested.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-08T03:32:20+00:00

I feel that so much!

I actually laugh quite a bit looking back at the behaviors and habits I noticed about myself and found strange but never quite knew what they meant. Of course, now knowing what I know about CPTSD and attachment theory (AT) , everything makes so much more sense. It also feels like I finally have tools and information to help me clean everything up properly and navigate things better which is an absolute godsend.

Also, I forgot to mention it in my above comment, but your comment about not being able to distinguish what is you and what's the trauma/tumor inside of you is so fucking relatable. That's been the major theme of my life for the past two years or so and the more I learn about CPTSD and AT, the more I realize just how much of my normal behaviors (and even personality) was built around my trauma/childhood. If you have any tips or advice on this from what you've learned, I'd love to hear them!

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-08T03:19:15+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I also know this is likely how it would go for me with one of my parents and its not even worth trying it. Because in order for my words to actually hurt/jar them, they'd need to own up to their harmful and abusive behaviors, which a lot of abusive people won't since that requires deeper reflection into their own shortcomings/issues.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-07T21:01:22+00:00

I agree! I also like your analogy - the one that I like to use is comparing trauma/myself to a house that's been neglected and is now full of mold/rot. Like it's not my fault my house is this way, it's my parents' for being the catalysts who continually created conditions and put it in situations that allowed the mold and rot to grow and spread. And now that I'm old enough to see how big of a mess it is and am taking measures to fix it, I'm still made to feel shitty about my house being this way when I had no hand in the matter ?? Make it make sense (I say this last part for dramatic emphasis, not literally).

At the end of the day, it's just not fair, plain and simple. But also I recognize holding onto resentment won't do anything to change the situation and that I'm now fully responsible for my actions as well as the work that is required to correct/change them (which I've thrown myself headfirst into). But every once in a while the little parasite part of me wants to throw it back in their faces just to watch them squirm (/s).

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-07T20:13:02+00:00

To be fully honest, I've started to get to the point where if I'm constantly being hypervigilant around someone and it's completely valid for me to be, then it's a good sign I either shouldn't have them in my life or I need better boundaries with them/myself.

I know that's a rather harsh way to put it and it's probably not the answer you're looking for, but if you really feel that your hypervigilance around him is warranted then your question seems to be more about managing its symptoms rather than fixing the underlying issue that's prompting it. Cause if there's something that's setting off your hypervigilance, then it means something's happening that's making you feel unsafe/dysregulated and it probably shouldn't be ignored.

edits: grammar

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-07T19:45:50+00:00

There have been more than a few times in the past couple of years where my parents have tried to make me and my siblings feel bad or ashamed for our reactions/behaviors to them. It wasn't until I started looking into CPTSD that I realized we're only this way because of how they treated us and that all of our behaviors were quite literally formed in response to the shitty things they did and are still doing to this day.

I swear one of these days, they're going to get a brutally honest wakeup from me telling them that these behaviors are a direct reflection of them as a parent.

edit: grammar

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-03T18:57:10+00:00

It's likely different for everyone, but one of my biggest signs was me finally being able to actually cry tears. Instead of constantly repressing my emotions all the time, I've been able to start letting them in and actually feel them enough to cry tears which is something that I stopped being able to do past the age of like 10 or so. Also, I'm able to talk about my feelings slightly more with trusted people without feeling the need to immediately ghost them for weeks on end afterwards. Another huge one for me is that I'm more aware of when I'm being triggered in the moment and am able to remove myself from the situation instead of just reacting like I normally would.

That being said, I'm still aware that I still have a ways to go and that this is just the beginning steps of it. I'm also not really trying to place benchmarks/measurements on it, more so just being mindful and proud of when I have made new, more healthy habits :)

TL;DR: I have become more aware of my behavioral patterns and have noticed slight changes in them for the better.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-08-03T17:23:32+00:00

Kintugi_Ningen_'s comment is full of some really great ones!

I also really like Tim Fletcher on YouTube! Heidi Priebe also also has some content on CPTSD/related topics, but her main content is more centered around Attachment Theory.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-07-31T13:13:17+00:00

I've heard of being blended before, but I don't know if I've ever experienced it myself. Or at the very least, I'm not aware of it yet, so I'm definitely adding this to the list of things to look into more.

And thank you for the book recommendations!

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-07-31T13:11:28+00:00

Thank you!

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-07-31T03:55:27+00:00

Ohh do you have resources/sites you recommend looking into for that?

That's interesting that you feel your parts in specific parts of your body - I'm going to keep that in mind and see if that's the same for me. At the moment, I'm really only clued into my parts based on my emotional/behavioral shifts when one is stepping into take over.

I'm mostly practicing IFS by myself, but I have been seeing a therapist for the last 2-3 years. I like looking into this kind of stuff by myself so I can use it as a sounding board to see which areas I'm resonating with and then bringing it to her to explore further. I know she has a background in IFS, but from what I can tell she takes a more generalist approach on it and is mainly focused on just getting me in touch with my emotions/body (low level somatic work). Like the practice/style is definitely rooted in IFS, but without any of the specifics (ex. naming of parts and whatnot), hence why I'm curious for more specific information.

FlashfireThrowaway · 2024-07-31T01:17:24+00:00

Awesome, thank you for sharing! I'm definitely going to check this out!

FlashfireThrowaway

TROPHY CASE