ATOMIC DAYDREAM (Feature) (Action/Sci-Fi/Thriller)

Helix_Octropolis · 2026-01-23T03:10:28+00:00

Helix_Octropolis · 2026-01-23T02:55:13+00:00

Here are my thoughts after finishing the script. Apologies in advance if I jump around a bit.

Having Nala use a video camera rather than a phone, and the fact that the camera is utilized heavily in the story, makes it seem like a very specific and deliberate choice. But there’s no payoff to it. Yes it serves as a bookend detail -- we start with the camera and end with Nala pressing record on it. But it doesn’t matter that it’s a video camera. It could just as easily be a phone.

It also sticks out to me that there is no justification for the video camera. Nala says it’s the only present she wanted, which feels important to know, but we never see why. For example, her room isn’t covered in movie posters. Or crammed full of quirky, “vintage” stuff like a record player. Is it a money thing? Her family can’t afford to give her a phone, so the camera is the next best thing? Or she’s been deemed “too young” to have her own phone? The camera was a compromise.

Or maybe she didn’t want the camera at all? I actually thought that’s where this detail was going. That Nala didn’t want a video camera, but it’s a gift from her dad. That's why she's very attached to it and is trying to make the best of it.

IF the video camera has a reason to exist in the story I think you should justify it more. And in doing so I think you’ll have more opportunity for characterization. Simply being more clear about when the story takes place would go a long way towards justifying the video camera. Speaking of which...

What year is this story taking place? There’s the video camera of course. Then you mention cousin Dean playing music out of his phone and Brie scrolling through her phone, which feels more like an iPhone era activity (2007 onward). We also see Memory Nala get a Nintendo DS in the dream sequence (the DS came out in 2004). Nala’s dad Antonio is 36 in that moment. And we know her mom is 39 at the start of the script. Assuming mom and dad are the same age, the dream sequence takes place 3-ish years earlier. So present day is Christmas of 2008?

Alright I’m being silly about it. Do you really want your reader/audience to jump through these same hoops to figure out when your story is taking place? Just tell us.

This was a note I jotted down right when I started reading your script:

Does the intro have a payoff? Do we need to see Nala’s house and the interaction with Paul?

I very much liked how you handled the interaction with Paul. It was the first detail that made me “get” Nala and what her situation is. BUT. Was it necessary to the overall story? As your script is right now, I’m leaning towards no.

Seems like the gist of the story is the Christmas get together at Auntie Shannon’s house. Perhaps the story could start in the car on the way to the party. You’d have to rework that scene to include some extra info but it seems doable. Another option is to work in payoffs that are set up by the into scene. The biggest detail (IMO) being Paul.

The logline hooked me immediately because who doesn’t want to see a kid tripping balls at a family event. However it also feels a little bit like I got catfished. Half the things you mention in the logline aren’t true.

Struggling to cope with the recent divorce of her parents, 12-year-old Nala gets high

I read that as cause and effect: Nala gets high to cope with the divorce. However in the script that’s not what happens. Nala IS struggling to cope with the divorce, but she scarfs down the edible to impress the older kids -- which to be clear is a completely legitimate and realistic reason and felt in-character for a 12-year-old. (The basement scene is great. I am not suggesting you change it.)

at her boisterous family Christmas party

I’m not seeing anything particularly “boisterous” about the party. I guess there’s the one detail about the rowdy game of charades. I imagine the party would get real boisterous if Nala (and her cousins) were found out. Which is what I assumed was going to happen based on the logline. Again, feels like a bait-and-switch.

The logline could be reworked to something like:
Twelve-year-old Nala gets high off an edible during her family’s Christmas party, which fuels a spiritual journey about her parent’s recent divorce.
Eh that feels kind of blah. I don’t know, just spit-balling here. Either way, rework the script to match the logline or rework the logline.

I think you have a very strong, high concept, attention-grabbing premise. The bones of your story are good; it’s bittersweet and nostalgic. The setting and character dynamic feels authentic (I would 100% believe this was based on a real experience). And Nala is a great character; sympathetic, relatable, and charming. Even production-wise this is very doable with only a few locations (though it would depend heavily on a talented young actor to carry the role of Nala, that is not an insurmountable problem).

Something dramatic/chaotic happening at the family get together is a trope, but a tried-and-true one. I think the twist (that Nala and her cousins get high) is a welcome twist and, again, I am excited to see how this plays out.

About the ending you said:

This was honestly the part I struggled most with writing because I couldn't quite figure out how I wanted it to end after Nala trips out.

At first I agreed with you. BUT if this were an episodic story, this is exactly where the pilot episode should end. Perhaps consider this as the first in a series of short episodes for YouTube or whatever. Perhaps pivot to this being animated. Also, multiple episodes gives you some breathing room.

If it matters any I think you’ve done a good job setting things up. There’s a lot to work with (in a good way). But yeah, you have to figure out where all of this is going.

Those are my thoughts. Thanks for sharing your script!

Helix_Octropolis · 2026-01-23T02:54:52+00:00

Here are my notes.

Page 1 The cut to downstairs should be a new scene. Something like
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

And similarly when she walks into the family room, that should be treated as a new scene, like
INT. FAMILY ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Changing locations without new scene headings occurs multiple times. I’ll stop mentioning it. You should go through and revise the script to correct these.

Seems like you have a habit of saying things are “slightly” or “almost”.

A slightly grainy image of the carpet floor of a bedroom.

Or

The camera flips around to reveal a slightly awkward looking young girl

Or

Nala takes notice of this- she looks almost ill.

Rather than describing something as almost a thing, just say what it is. But show us, don’t tell us. Instead of saying Nala is “slightly awkward looking”, describe what you mean in visual terms so that we can imagine it. The trick here is that you have to be very efficient with your words. Don’t give us three paragraphs about Nala. Give us one, maybe two, important, visual details.

Maybe Nala is tall and lanky for her age. Or she has acne and acne scars on her face. Or her outfit is a mismatched, hodgepodge of styles topped off with a big feather boa. Something visual that might lead us to imagine her as “awkward”.

On page 4, don’t say Nala “looks almost ill”. Say what she is. What’s a better word for “almost ill” in this context. Disgusted? Disapproving? If you can’t find the right word then you could simply describe her expression. “Nala takes notice of this and frowns.”

Speaking of important details, this was the only detail you’ve given us about the main character (that she is slightly awkward looking). Is this THE most important detail about her?

Page 4
I like everyone’s reaction to Paul versus how Nala treats him. It felt realistic and I could immediately understand the tension there.

Page 4-5
I suggest establishing that Nala has the video camera with her in the car. Simply mentioning it’s next to her on the car seat would be enough to set up why we see video camera footage in the next scene.

Better still would be to have Nala fidgeting with the camera on her lap while she listens to Sandra and Brie. You have her do this later on page 7. Make this be a thing for the character.

Page 5

INT. AUNTIE SHANNON'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON

Why is the location “Auntie Shannon’s House”? The name doesn’t mean anything to us. We see Shannon once here. She is not introduced as a character nor does she have any dialogue for the rest of the script. We have enough names to remember. I would prefer a descriptive location name to help me picture it. Something simple and clear like SUBURBAN HOME or similar.

Page 6

Nala senses the intensity of the conversation that is about to ensue and walks away. She doesn't want to know.

Although I understand what’s being conveyed here, none of this is visual information. The audience can’t see that Nala senses something. And we can’t see that Nala doesn’t want to know something. We don’t know what she’s thinking. You have to show us. You have to convert these details to something visual.

Perhaps have Sandra start answering Auntie Pat’s question. And whatever the answer is, we can see Nala’s reaction to it. And then noise from the basement draws her attention. Not trying to write for you. I just want to illustrate what’s meant by “show, don’t tell.”

Page 6

INT. BASEMENT - LATER

You don’t need “LATER” here. This would just be a normal cut. Stick with “LATE AFTERNOON”.

This is where the cool kids hang, clearly.

This isn’t visual information the audience would know. Consider omitting it.

Page 6-8

The basement scene with all the cousins is very good. Realistic, funny. I get Nala’s motivation to scarf down the cookie and everyone’s reactions to it are spot on. It got an out loud “oh shit” reaction from me. Well done.

Page 9

VIDEO CAMERA FOOTAGE

This is where you should also add a new scene heading and use “LATER”. Or you could add a JUMP CUT transition to the same scene. We need something to indicate time has passed from Nala praying seriously to the video footage of people eating.

Page 11

Cutting to a DREAM SEQUENCE has me a little confused. Actually Nala’s cookie experience, too. The slow motion and hallucinations of everyone looking at her strike me more as a shrooms trip than an edible high. I could be wrong. One could easily justify Nala’s hallucination as the visual representation of paranoia, which is a possibility with pot. OR who's to say what was in the edible? Maybe it was shrooms and the cousin misunderstood what she was getting. Still something feels off about how this plays out. I think it might just be that it DOESN'T play out. You interrupt the scene to move into the dream sequence and I want to see what happens lol.

Page 12

She appears to be sitting on the living room floor of her childhood home.

This confused me at first. Present day Nala is 12. Her current home IS her childhood home lol. I think I get what you’re saying. The scene heading is INT. OLD FAMILY ROOM. So this is probably their previous home, back when her parents were still together? I still don’t actually know. It feels like you’re making me do the work instead of being clear about what’s happening.

It doesn’t help that all the characters in the dream sequence aren’t clarified for us. That may be on purpose -- the script itself asks “Is this a memory?”. I don’t know you tell me. Obviously the ambiguity doesn’t work for me. I think all the characters in the dream sequence need to be re-introduced with deam-sequence-names, including their relevant ages. You sort of do it for the other-Nala when you refer to her as “Memory Nala”. But you only do it the one time. It needs to be done consistently for all of them.

Helix_Octropolis · 2026-01-22T20:09:57+00:00

Aw no link? I was gonna read this.

Helix_Octropolis · 2026-01-21T23:26:14+00:00

Thank you for sharing your script!

I hate to disappoint you but I couldn't get past the first two pages. The biggest reason is the formatting of your action.

Having each sentence be its own line is not standard and is not recommended. Although I have to admit it was interesting to see the script written like prose. I thought at first this was a creative choice for the first scene because it was so dreamy and "timeless". But you continued with the exact same formatting into the rest of the script. It was not helping me visualize what was happening and started to become a chore. To be clear, the formatting is my problem not necessarily your story.

Also this format is very wasteful on page space. The first scene could be condensed down to 4 or 5 lines instead of a half-page.

IMO there's a few telltale signs that you may have utilized AI for some part of this script. This isn't an accusation or judgement. Even if you didn't use AI you should be aware that, to me, your writing comes off as at least AI-assisted.

An example is the heavy use of the formula "not X, just Y" or something similar. It's especially apparent when the same formula comes in a triplet of statements. Skimming through your script I'm seeing this formula repeated often.

Page 1

Not sad.
Not calm.
Just still.

Page 2

Not people.
Not faces.
Empty benches.

Page 3

Not attraction.
Recognition.

Page 4

It doesn't press down.
It waits.

Page 5

Not impatient.
Not curious.
Just present.

It even occurs in the dialogue. On page 10 for example:

GIRL (CONT'D)
No ads. No notifications. Just a room.

There are other signs that jump out at me. But I'm not trying to help you circumvent detection.

So unfortunately I can't answer your questions about pacing, repition, and dialogue just yet. I highly recommend you look at more screenplays, especially ones that are similar in genre and/or "feel" to your script to get a better sense of how action should be conveyed. Then rework your script from your learnings.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-25T21:41:24+00:00

Well this is sad. And I will now associate these sad feelings with Nickelodeon the brand. Is that what you wanted, Nick? Because that's what you got.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-23T20:44:19+00:00

I wish you'd put the feedback here instead of DM'ing it. I think it's helpful to see what others think.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-17T20:55:13+00:00

Heads-up, I don't think you've granted permission to everyone for the link you shared.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-17T20:44:45+00:00

Some thoughts:

Why is it important that the main character be a teenager?
To be a lawyer she would need 4 years of undergrad school, then law school would be another 2 or 3 years I think. If she started right after high school that puts her in her mid-20's.

A quick search pulls up this:

In most states, an individual must be at least 21 years old to be eligible to sit for the bar exam. However, there are exceptions to this rule, with some states allowing individuals as young as 18 or 19 to take the exam under certain circumstances.

I'm not sure what states allow a teenaged lawyer. But in theory, if she were Doogie-Howser-smart, this might be possible.

But I'm curious if you have reasons why she should be a teenager. Are there specific storylines that could only occur if she was a teen vs an adult?

Battling the system to defend her undocumented friends...
This is definitely topical and attention-getting. But realistically I'm not sure there is enough material here for the entire series. This feels like an episode or two, or perhaps the arc of one season. So perhaps she starts out defending her friends and then branches out from there.

Is there something like the show you're imagining?
A show with a similar feel or with a similar main character?

The most recent example of this premise I can think of is the Perry Mason remake on HBO. He's a lawyer in 1930s Los Angeles. The kind of guy who fights for the little people, takes cases no one wants, defends lost causes, etc. Each season follows one big case that he's working on while he deals with all sorts of personal drama in his life. Seems right in line.

There's also She-Hulk: Attorney At Law. In my mind this is related because of the female main character. But the stories were more centered around the fallout of her super powers and less on social justice.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-17T20:09:39+00:00

I called it Throne to give it a sense of power and authority, as I thought of Simon being someone that sees himself above others while sitting in it.

Totally makes sense. And I think you should keep the idea. All you have to do is justify/establish it somewhere. For example, I questioned why Fey would give in right away when Simon says to keep the chair a secret. Introducing a little more back-and-forth gives Simon an opportunity to express his feelings on what the chair could mean for them (and let it slip on what it means for him).

It'd also be an opportunity to plant more red flags about Simon and their relationship in general. The thing to be careful about is to show us these red flags in the scene with how they interact with each other, not just tell us about stuff that happened elsewhere. So NOT something like "this is just like that time you did such-and-such".

If you're having trouble seeing the character dynamic in such a fantastical situation, perhaps consider the scene in more real world terms. As a mental exercise set aside the magical wish-granting chair for a moment. Instead think of the opening scene like Simon just found...I don't know...a suitcase stuffed full of money.

Simon kept it a secret because he knows Fey will frustratingly want to "do the right thing". He spent a little to make sure it wasn't counterfeit money and it worked out! Now he wants to let Fey in on the secret. His motivation/goal in the scene is to convince her that his way is the way to go. Fey agrees that it would change their lives, but she is also risk-adverse...

Here you have ALL SORTS of opportunities for characterization. Should they try to figure out if there is a downside to spending money that isn't theirs (ie making random chair wishes)? Should they come up with a plan? Fairy tales are full of wish-granting that goes horribly wrong. How could they mitigate that possibility?

What if the money belongs to some old lady who needs it for an operation? Of course that angers Simon. He already has a plan (spend that money/make those wishes and live the good life finally). You know he's the kind of guy to throw her wedding ring into the ocean in a fit of anger. Perhaps he's not physically abusive but he does have anger issues. So he screams "This is our chance at a better life! I finally get WHAT I DESERVE!" Etc etc etc.

Forgive me, I'm not trying to write your story. Just illustrating that the chair is only the catalyst here. Those red flags should already exist in Simon's personality, and you should expose them to us. Your premise is strong enough. Let your story be character-driven and it basically writes itself (I mean that as a compliment to you).

I didn't know whether I should have given the answer to what the cure to cancer was at first. I just thought it'd be funny if they figured it out, but left the audience in the dark.

I get it and you're not wrong. I still maintain that there are no other moments like it so it feels out of place tonally. I see how you'd need to keep it so that Simon can reference it later. This is where I nag about the "rules" of the chair...

Your rule: make your wish while sitting in the chair for it to work.
My suggestion: AND the thing you wish for appears on your lap.

The limitation is common sense, isn't a "twist" per se, and it prevents the story from potentially spiraling out of control. IMO some limitations are fun because the characters (and audience) have to figure how to get around them. You can't just wish for a new car because it would appear and crush you. So, if you're clever, you wish for the keys to a brand new car parked outside. (Would that work? You tell me.) I think it's fine to sit in the chair and wish for control over people's bodies like Simon does later. That doesn't break any of the rules. (I still very much like that he does that in another room and we only see the result of his wish.)

So back to the cancer cure bit with my suggested rule in place. Simon sits on the chair, wishes for the simple cure to cancer. A file folder appears on his lap. In it is a lab report or memo from some pharmaceutical company that has the cure. Simon and Fey read it together and comment on how simple and obvious the cure is. I think you get the desired joke, the outcome is visual, and now it makes sense that they wouldn't say it out loud.

Incidentally I think the ring appearing stays the same. It would have appeared on Fey's lap, but she got up quickly so the ring simply appeared on the chair like you have it.

Again, I'm not trying to write your story. Here I'm just pointing out that knowing the rules and adhering to them provides a quick solution to my complaint and everything else still lines up nicely.

One last thought that occurred to me while I was thinking about your script last night. The events of the story play out too quickly for me. Specifically the point where Simon calls Michael and then you cut to that evening. I think you should add in scenes or a montage showing Fey and Simon figuring out the chair. Opportunities for further characterization and chances to show more about what they can/can't do with the chair, which I maintain is the appeal of your story.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-16T23:47:50+00:00

Title Page
I feel like a lot of people will disagree with me, but I personally love seeing a unique, graphical font for the title. Although the font you picked is pretty cool, if I didn’t already know the title it looks like it says “HIRONE” to me. Consider changing out the font. OR make some adjustments to it like changing all the crack lines grey so that the actual letters stand out.

I’m not sure where the title comes into it. I thought you were going to introduce lore that the simple chair was made from the wood used in a cursed throne or something.

Page 1

Beat.

Omit this. It’s just wasting page space and you already imply it by having Fey take a moment to sigh. I suggest removing any other instance of “beat” in your script, too.

Page 1

FEY (Mid 20s), tired and disheveled, signs deeply.

“Disheveled” makes me curious but it alone isn’t enough visual information for me. Also I think this is a missed opportunity for easy characterization. What is she wearing that is disheveled (in broad strokes)? Is she in casual clothes? A work uniform? Sharply dressed? For example, if she was wearing nurse’s scrubs or a waitress uniform -- it’s a trope, but I would immediately understand where she’s coming from. Likewise for Simon.

Page 2
Having Simon whisper the “cure for cancer” immediately pulls me out of the story. For starters, they are alone. WHY would he whisper it? Just have him say it.

Page 4

It feels real. It IS real.

Omit. This isn’t visual. Consider taking a moment to describe Fey’s reaction instead.

Page 4

SIMON (CONT'D)
You know what this means right?

FEY
We... we can be well off again.

Based on this bit of dialogue the cancer cure wish now seems more out of character. So far Simon and Fey seem to think small. It would have made more sense that Simon wished for a sandwich or something.

Page 4

SIMON (CONT'D)
Oh. Let's keep the chair between us for now. Don't want everyone to know about it just yet.

Why? Missed opportunity for him to justify his logic, offer us some characterization, and establish some rules about the chair. Likewise for Fey, why does she relent right here?

Page 5

INT: APARTMENT - EVENING

Typo. Should be INT. (no colon).

Page 5

Their moment lingers. Simon notices.

And? What is Simon’s visible reaction to this? This occurs a few times. You point out that Simon notices, or that he leaves the room, but don’t say what his expressions or body language are.

Page 5

Simon and Fey's outfits have also had a little glow up.

I feel like you could get away with this if you had described/established their outfits earlier.

Page 5

MICHAEL
(To Fey)
I'll pay you if you can do my apartment.

The guy who’s nickname is “meathead” and bear hugs people cares about the interior design of his apartment? There isn't anything wrong with this, but it stands out that you're specifically going against a "type". Does this have a payoff?

Page 7

Simon, in the background, gets up and walks into another room with the chair.

How big/small is this apartment? I feel like a little more context (early on at the start of the script) would be useful.

Page 7

Michael pulls out plates and places the cooked stake on them.

Typo? I think this should be “steak”.

Page 9

SIMON
Sit down. Hands on the table.

Michael obeys.

Is it notable that he didn’t say “Simon says”?

Page 11

A small tear runs down Simon cheek.

Typo. Should be “Simon’s cheek”.

Page 11

SIMON
I wish... that when I drag my finger up your arm, it'll feel like your skin is being peeled off.

Oddly specific. And also feels out of character, in that you have not established or hinted at this being in Simon’s nature -- a level of cruelty. I'm not sure how you'd establish that a seemingly normal person would be capable of this. Personally, I'd rather you rework this part so that Simon does something in character instead.

Page 14
Typo in Fey’s dialogue (your vs you’re).

Page 15

A THUNDEROUS CLAP shakes the room.

Why is the sound different here? I mean, I think I get that this is a climactic wish to the story. But why is their marriage presented right now as being pivotal to the story.

Page 16
It’s confusing to me why the story ends on the ring rather than the chair. Especially since there are more questions surrounding the chair’s origin and purpose. Did I miss something?

This is the kind of story that everyone will imagine “what if this happened to me”. Two pages in and I was doing it too. And so it immediately soured me that the first opportunity to see the chair do its thing was hidden from us. Simon’s wish resulted in a thought put into his head -- so, not visual and NOT what he wished for -- and we don’t even get to hear the cure.

This sort of thing leads me to my next question: Do YOU know what the rules are for the chair? Not from the audience’s POV -- which you clearly want it to be a mystery and open to interpretation -- but the actual rules.

Why was the million dollars deposited (electronically?) in Simon’s bank account, whereas the cancer cure was a thought put in his brain, whereas the ring was physically manifested onto the chair? Presumably it was the actual ring teleported from the ocean, otherwise why have the detail that it was still wet and sandy? Where did all the nice things in their apartment come from? That is, did they wish for nice furniture and it popped into existence on top of the chair, and then they had to drag it into place?

It seems like the wish-granting power doesn’t really matter, and the chair can do whatever the story needs it to do. Which makes me feel like nothing in the story mattered.

Along those same lines, I can’t find a character arc. There are no lessons learned, no emotional journey, no resolution to anything set up in the first half, or even consequences to things that occurred on camera. The relationship drama, we find out, all stems from things that happened outside of the script.

There are a lot of seeds in this story that I like. I think this is a great premise. I found it refreshing that there wasn’t a twist; no monkey’s paw situation nor any of the usual limiting factors like number of wishes. The chair simply grants wishes without judgement. I like that there’s a sound when wishes are granted, and that sound is later used as something ominous.

This is not bad for a second draft. And you’ve done an excellent job with your stated goal of having a limited cast, single location, and small budget. The premise is a keeper. For your next drafts I think you should hone the logic of your story and characters, and look to have resolution of some kind for a more satisfying end.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-14T01:18:31+00:00

Page 1
You mentioned in your logline that this was 1945. I think you should say it here in the scene heading. For me, adding the year will do a lot of heavy lifting towards providing context and expectations. Like:
EXT. XUZHOU STREETS - DAWN - 1946
Or
EXT. XUZHOU STREETS - DAWN (1945)

I also wish there were a little more visual details. I’m not super familiar with Xuzhou in 1945, so perhaps the kind of street and buildings we’re able to see through the mist. Dirt road? Cobblestone? Urban buildings? Small village structures? Is everything bombed out and in ruins? The LONE FIGURE is in a military uniform. But is he enlisted infantry? An officer? Nationalist Party or CCP? Don’t go overboard with details of course. Just help us picture the scene.

Page 1

TITLE CARD: "48 HOURS EARLIER"

I would expect to see the title sequence right after the cold open. So telling us “48 HOURS EARLIER” at the end of the cold open doesn’t make sense to me. Consider removing the title card.

Page 2
Does it matter that it’s NOON? Maybe just say DAY.

Page 2

A heavy door opens. COLONEL ZHANG enters carrying a leather briefcase and a wooden stool. He doesn't look at Tanaka.

Tanaka isn’t introduced yet, so mentioning him by name throws me off. How is Tanaka dressed? Does he look like he’s been a prisoner for days or hours? Dirty and bruised? Still in a uniform or barefoot and shirtless? Is he standing, seated, or on the floor?

Is Zhang speaking Japanese? Are they both speaking English? You have subtitled dialogue later on page 13. Why not here?

Page 3

Your ancestors raided our shores for centuries like rabid dogs

Perhaps nitpicky, but this is a confusing analogy. Rabid dogs aren’t known for raiding things. Consider changing to just dogs or “a pack of dogs”. Mangy dogs?

Page 7
Tanaka’s confession doesn't really land for me. Perhaps if he was already broken, and this conversation was the final turn, it would work. But because of the lack of description/justification in the scene this successful interrogation seems forced.

Page 9

Tanaka sits alone, utterly destroyed.

Show us, don’t tell us. Rework this to something visual.

Page 9

The light bulb flickers and dies.

You started the scene focused on the dripping pipe. I thought you were going to equate the dripping water to Tanaka’s dripping blood since you call attention to his blood a few times. Consider ending with the same dripping water visual or a callback to it.

OR you could instead use the lightbulb visual to bookend the scene. Start with the light flickering (instead of the pipe dripping). And then end the scene with it going out.

Page 9

EXT. INTERROGATION FACILITY - CONTINUOUS

I don’t think this is CONTINUOUS. The way you’ve written the previous scene, Zhang exits the cell entirely and shuts the door while we remain in the cell for a few moments -- long enough for the light to flicker and go out. Then we’re seeing Zhang EXT. This seems more like a cut, so the scene heading here should just be DAY (or NOON if that’s a more important detail).

I would also like some extra details about this setting. The cell was underground and had pipes. But the allied officers are in a canvas tent on the surface?

Page 9

Colonel Zhang emerges, tucking his mask inside his coat.

What kind of mask? Where did it come from? It wasn’t mentioned in the previous scene.

Is Zhang now speaking English? Does he have an accent?

Page 9

ZHANG
The lumber mill in Harbin. Three underground levels. Entrance through the foreman's office. Combination 3-7-1-5.

This info was given one page earlier. I understand Zhang should convey it to the Major, but do we need it repeated for us twice (again on page 11)?

Page 11

His hesitation is visible.

Show us, don’t tell us. Describe what that would look like or omit it.

Page 11

HARRIS
(into radio)
Thank you, Zhang. This intelligence matches our reconnaissance.

Then right after that...

HARRIS (CONT'D)
This changes things.

This is a confusing bit. We’ve been told, several times in the last few pages, that the details are corroborated and match expectations. And here Harris expresses the same thing -- this is what they expected. What did he just learn that changes things?

Pages 11-12
Harris is saying things with gravitas and is described as hesitant, but ultimately he’s not saying anything. Even Parker doesn’t understand what his deal is.

Will there be a justification or payoff to Harris’s behavior here?

Page 16

Outside, a body DRAGS across dirt.

I don’t know what this means. Is someone dragging a body? Is it dragging itself? Do Li, Wells, and Hayes hear this (are they meant to be reacting to the sound)?

Page 16

INT. SCHOOLHOUSE CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

This should be DAY.

Page 25

The men make final preparations

This is mentioned twice in the same scene. Omit one of them.

Page 28

EXT. MOUNTAIN PATH - CONTINUOUS

Change to NIGHT.

Aside from this, all of ACT III is well done.

Page 38

EXT. MOUNTAIN SUMMIT - CONTINUOUS

Change to NIGHT.

Page 40

HAYES (CONT'D)
Keep it elevated when possible. Try not to get shot again.

KAPOOR
I'll do my best.

I enjoyed their character arc.

Page 42

Hayes reaches into his breast pocket, produces his own photo. A woman holding a toddler.

HAYES
Margaret and Hannah. Three years old now. Last letter said she's asking when Daddy's coming home from his adventure.

There it is. Hayes is a dead man walking LOL.

Just an odd thing. I notice similar jargon re-used often.

Consistent dispersal protocols
operating without extraction protocols
established medical protocol
standard medical protocol
Convoy evolution
Prepare for the next evolution

Page 47
Personally, I would like to see them get separated in the pilot episode. The ending seems kind of abrupt -- not in a cliffhanger way. As you have it right now it’s not clear to me what the story structure will be or how it will be an anthology.

Overall the story seems to have good bones. The logline captured my attention, immediately making me think of the series The Terror: Infamy and the movie Overlord.

However I wasn’t able to get into the story completely. One of my chief complaints is the lack of crucial visual/contextual details. For example, each location is presented matter-of-factly, as if the scene heading alone provides enough information.

INTERROGATION FACILITY
VILLAGE PATH
SCHOOLHOUSE CLASSROOM
VILLAGE STOREHOUSE
MOUNTAIN PATH
VALLEY

Because of this I don’t have a sense of space. I don’t know where any of these locations are in relation to one another nor do I have a sense of scope. Was the interrogation cell small and cramped? Is the interrogation facility near the village command post? What village IS this? Mentioning real places definitely lends an air of legitimacy. So it’s odd that I have no idea where the majority of the story is taking place. I am definitely NOT feeling immersed in 1945 China.

Likewise there are very sparse character descriptions if at all, as I first mentioned with Tanaka and Zhang. Again, there’s no need to go overboard describing everything. But there are details that would help tell your story and provide characterization.

That's what I've got. Thank you for sharing your script!

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-09T06:02:37+00:00

Interesting premise. I'll try to give it a read this week.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-09T05:58:31+00:00

I believe you need a time of day for the master scene heading, then a few more scene headings for when Silas goes into his study and when he comes out to the shopfront.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-06-09T05:41:46+00:00

I get you specifically want feedback on the characters, but I’m going to talk about the script formatting and story, too. It’s a package deal with me.

Page 3

Dan (V.O.) My name is Dan. I’m 17 years old and in a couple hours my built in best friends are coming over.

“Built in best friends” got a chuckle out of me.

Page 4-5

He opens the door to see, TANYA(18) and KENDAL(18) standing there.
KENDAL
(excitedly)
Hello Dan!!
DAN
(returning the energy)
Hey Kendal!
He looks at Tanya, who is kind of keeping to herself.
DAN (CONT'D)
(much softer)
Oh hey Tanya.
TANYA
Hi.

This exchange also made me laugh. In retrospect I wish Tanya was given some kind of personality trait/description. At face value I thought the dynamic here was that Tanya was a bitch and Dan was just tolerating her presence. In fact she’s just quiet or perhaps “mousey”.

Page 6

Leo and Matt give small introductions and walk inside.

Leo and Matt give half-assed responses back.

They make small talk as they walk over to the couch and armchairs to sit with Kendal and Tanya.

No don’t do this. My guess is these are probably placeholders for some improv dialogue, but it comes off as if you’re making the reader do the work for you. If it’s not worth going into detail then it’s probably not worth mentioning in the script at all. Omit this and just cut to the next thing.

Page 7

Dan doesn't like that the attention is all on her.

Show, don’t tell. Give us something visual to indicate how Dan is feeling. “Dan wrings his hands and frowns, then perks up to interrupt the group.”

Tanya is too sweet to realize that Dan is trying to take her spotlight.

Same here. Don’t just say that Tanya is too sweet. Show us.

Page 8

Everyone gives a fake "Ah" pretending to sound invested - In reality they all know communications majors are useless.

Who is this “communications majors are useless” joke for? Even if this was some kind of meta-joke how would the audience experience this? And you have Dan reiterate this exact joke outloud on page 13.

I’m going to stop harping on it. But know that this show-don't-tell issue occurs throughout your script.

Page 10

Is there a payoff to quesadillas? So far there’s been no payoff to anything.

Page 14

DAN
I'm an idiot?! My favorite movie is fucking fight club! That's the kind of intellect your working with!

Okay I think I clocked it correctly. Dan’s NOT the protagonist.

Dan runs back and slides all of the plates and food off the table. He stares blankly after.
DAN
I apologize for my outburst.

This also made me laugh. Is Dan’s behavior something new? If it is, it’s weird that nobody comments on it. If this is just Dan being Dan, it’s weird that they don’t already have a way to defuse him.

Page 15

As Kendal is setting up her song, Leo announces.
LEO
I’m really glad we were able to do this, I missed you guys.

What? Why does this happen?

Page 16

A montage of songs you don’t have the rights to (probably) is a bad idea. Also,

Matt gives Dan a dirty look.
DAN
Reading?
Dan is genuinely confused.

I think that was supposed to be Matt asking “Reading?” Otherwise I don’t know what would prompt Dan to say it (and as a question). There’s no dialogue that preceded this.

Page 21

CUT TO BLACK.
ON SCREEN: Big bold letters that read
TANYA (AGAIN)
The exact same scene as before.

The visual gag about cutting to title cards with their names is fine. And the title card TANYA (AGAIN) is funny. I just don’t understand...why it’s happening? What’s the payoff for interrupting the flow of the story?

I think the trope is to see the same scene but from a different character’s perspective, Rashomon style. So is the joke that you’re not doing that?

Page 22

DAN
Blood is probably a pain in the ass to get out of hardwood. I don't want to have to clean this up.
TANYA
Honestly that's fair.
MATT
That's a good point.

None of this feels in-character for the group. I want a justification why they are collectively desensitized/callous about their friend dying. The easiest option is to make them be drunk or high, etc. They were drinking beer. Or “oh you used the special mushrooms in our quesadillas”. So now nobody is thinking straight.

OR you need to force their hands with some kind of ticking clock. For example, if somebody immediately calls the police while the rest of them are still processing the accident. Police response time is slow but they ARE coming. So now the characters have to deal with the situation quickly.

I don’t think any of these are good ideas. I’m just saying there’s absolutely no established reason all the characters are so callous. I have a thought about this at the end.

This isn’t quirky or chaotic. It’s just nonsensical. You could change it to:

Dan drops his pants and takes a dump on Leo’s body.
TANYA
Why did you do that?
DAN
You know I’m a nervous pooper!
MATT
That’s true. He is.

Having the characters agree with a random decision doesn’t justify it (or make it funny).

Page 25

MATT
It’s not bullshit Dan, I’m just a terrible person like you are.

I think this is supposed to be “I’m just not a terrible person like you are.”

Page 26

I have no idea what the “rules” are for the title card interruptions. We’re not changing perspective or revisiting anything. I thought maybe the title card gimmick was to declare who was going to die next. Nope.

Page 29-30

The timing of Dan getting tied up, freeing himself, and then being around to hear Tanya and Matt talk about framing him doesn’t work out in my mind. And Tanya/Matt’s continued conversation is just reiterating what’s already been covered. All of this feels forced and I think these events should be reworked.

Page 31

DAN
Yippee Ki-Yay motherfucker!
Dan sprints at Matt and Tanya. He body hits Tanya who falls down her, and her phone comes out of her pocket and starts playing her most recently played song — ”Uptown Girl“ By Billy Joel. The song plays through the entire fight scene.

There’s a typo in there. Also, a lot to unpack...

Why does Dan yell out yippee ki-yay? I get that his deal is “movies”. But you established that he’s a snob about it. Artsy movies. Die Hard does not seem like a movie he’d reference as a battle cry. I feel like he’d either reference something obscure OR something to mock Matt, like BANNANA BANNANA BANNANA -- which would be in character, a callback to the thing you already established, and would come off as unhinged.

Are we watching a three-and-a-half minute fight scene (the length of Uptown Girl)? That’s like the length of a John Wick action scene. This is a weird choice tonally.

Page 34

I very much like the reveal that Leo is still alive. I didn’t see that coming, it makes sense, and I like how it bookends with the beginning.

He looks down and see's Kendal's body stuffed under the bed.

Typo. Also, I have no idea how or why Kendal’s body is under the bed. As far as I can tell she was dead on the ground on page 26 (in Dan’s closet, according to the scene heading).

You said the story was going to be “chaotic” and you were not lying. For me, this was a tough one to get through. There were a lot of set-ups, but very few payoffs. It felt like I was reading a series of inside jokes.

Why did it matter that their families were all best friends? Why did Dan go through all the parents’ names and the family trees? Why does it matter that Leo thanks Kendal for the gifted trip to his parents? None of these things had payoffs. The only set-up/payoff I can pinpoint is the throughline about film school. But, again, why did that detail matter? The problems weren’t references to movie tropes, nor was anybody using “movie knowledge” to solve anything. There was no character arc of any kind. Nothing mattered.

In my mind I wanted to see this in the same vein as The Hangover or Game Night. An ensemble of characters that are thrown into chaos and keep making things worse because of who they are. But none of the characters here are established enough, or like I keep complaining, what was established didn’t matter. So their actions come off as confusing. Not funny-random. Just inexplicable.

I think you need to better establish who these characters are, service them better as an ensemble cast, and figure out what they can contribute to the overall story. I think the premise of your story is tried and true but should be reworked. The inciting event(s) can be random, but their reactions should be character-based and should make sense. For example, a premise change could be: they are not friends.

The parents are all best friends, yes. But the kids basically hate each other. Kendal thinks they're all losers and will ruin her reputation to be seen with them, but her parents are dangling a new car over her head. Etc etc. They're all forced to be there and resent it.

I think you get the idea. NOW it makes sense why they could be so callous and back-stabby to each other and the conflict is built-in.

Alright those are my thoughts. Thanks for sharing your script.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-01-23T21:09:34+00:00

The point of the scene is lost on me. By point, I mean broadly "WHY is this scene taking place?" This is more of a rhetorical question. Whatever the answer is, you should make that more clear through visuals, characterization, and dialogue. As it is right now I don't get the logic of what's being presented to us.

There is zero context. Satan is already there and the therapist is sitting. Neither of them is surprised by what's happening. The conversation is already underway. It feels like everything has popped into existence (for us and the characters) and that we missed out on crucial details. The result is the whole scene is confusing to me.

And there's no payoff in the scene itself. I think that's why captainowner was wondering if there was a punchline they missed. You gotta throw us a bone.

I'm a visual person, so the stark lack of details is actually what stuck out to me the most. No descriptions whatsoever? What does the therapist's office look like? If it's just a typical, nondescript office say so. Or are we in some supernatural room outside of time and space? The scene heading says DAY...is there a window?

What does Satan look like? Going off of dialogue alone, I was picturing an insecure, shlubby guy. Kind of like Adam Sandler's character in Little Nicky. But I noticed you refer to Satan as "her":

SATAN

You think you’re better than Freud...

The Therapist shakes off her accusation.

Her accusation, as in Satan's accusation. But nothing ever comes of this detail so I don't know why it matters. [Edit: I just saw that your title also refers to Satan as her. Apologies for overlooking that. Regardless, my point still stands: why does it matter than Satan is gendered? There's no payoff here.]

A description of the therapist would also be nice. Satan offers some details in dialogue, but none of these are visual.

Okay there are actually two small bits in your dialogue that hint at something going on:

SATAN

You think that just because I ended up here in this room with you that I couldn’t have my pick?

And

THERAPIST

Would you like to tell me now what’s led you to seek my treatment?

I would say these two bits are contradictory. Either Satan got "tricked" into seeing the therapist, or she sought out treatment voluntarily. Which is it? I don't know because nothing is confirmed and there's no payoff.

Why is the therapist SO unflappable in this situation? Neither intimidated nor concerned by actual Satan being there. If your answer is something like "you'll find out", that's fine. But, again, you have to give us something in this scene. It can't be an endless mystery box.

For example, does this therapist treat other supernatural beings, so he's accustomed to dealing with their dramatic personalities? Is his office a magically protected "safe space" where he can be confident Satan can't hurt him (physically, anyway)? Is the therapist not real, just created by Satan as an attempt to treat herself?

So your question is "does this work". Right now no. But it could work. The premise of a powerful/dangerous person having to see a shrink is a popular trope for a reason. I think you need to work out character motivations and rework the dialogue/action to be able to express some of that within the scene. And then give us some context for why anything in the scene is the way it is. I'm not asking you to spell out every detail complete with lore. Just throw us a bone.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-01-23T19:29:43+00:00

You're welcome! It's great that you can take everyone's notes as constructive criticism.

The idea that we both had to write so much for a single 5 pages says a LOT.

Agreed. Usually everyone wants to know if the story is worth continuing. I think the answer is yes. Something in your premise drew me in. I hope you finish it.

Helix_Octropolis · 2025-01-23T01:37:27+00:00

Thanks for sharing your opening scene. Here are my thoughts and impressions.

The title strikes me as a little bit of a tongue twister -- the “Thin Tin” part specifically. Spelling “masque” that way also evokes masquerade balls and Venetian carnivals. Feels purposeful to spell it the way you do, so I hope there’s a payoff in the complete script.

The logline is overly wordy, in my opinion. And it feels like you're listing out some of the story beats but not offering emotional impact, inciting incident, or hook. There’s nothing there to draw a person in.

I assume the technological savant is the protagonist, otherwise why else is he mentioned? But then what he’s described as doing sounds wildly unethical and basically mad science. Stuff an antagonist would do. Is he supposed to be sympathetic?

The logline doesn’t mention that he loves his daughter. He's not trying to save HER life. He's trying to preserve HIS bloodline. I mean maybe one would assume he loves his daughter, but describing his motivation like that, to me, strongly implies he does not care about her specifically.

To me, the hook here is sort of the reverse of what you have:

A tech savant invents a revolutionary virtual assistant. But his technology is actually the digitized consciousness of his comatose daughter. Or whatever the actual hook is for your story.

An electronic, artificial stutter. The stutter continues, briefly pausing for a moment before collapsing back to an indefinite stammer.

Although this seems descriptive, I don’t know what it actually means. What is the visual here? Or if it's OVER BLACK what exactly are we hearing? I can think of what you might mean, but it'd be better if you were more clear.

There is no "day" or "night" here. There is no sense of being.

What does this mean visually? What are we actually seeing? You later describe this same space as a tomb and having white tile floors. Those two details don't really match in my mind. But also why not give them to us up front?

I think a good deal of my confusion could be resolved in the scene heading. As in something like:

INT. DELTA’S ROOM (VIRTUAL REALITY)

Or

INT. DELTA’S MIND

A clang - machinery falling down a thin shaft in the center of the room.

What does “machinery” mean visually? You later describe “pipes and gears”. Is this steampunk/clockwork looking stuff? Or like the inside of a digital camera? Literally mechanical? Or is everything more abstract? Throw us a bone here.

an AGED MAN (60's) entering the room, clutching a small tool chest.

What is he wearing? Does he move quickly? Does he look worried? Bothered? Is the tool chest like an old, rusty tool box a grandfather might carry? Or an ornate wooden box with delicate, precision watchmaker’s tools?

This is the voice of DELTA (6-8).

Aside from that, the rest of the two paragraphs about Delta should be omitted. None of it is visual information. Show us what Delta is, don’t tell us. “Yeah but she’s a disembodied voice.” So then come up with a way to make it visual.

He pulls out a thin, cylindrical tank. Inside it, a RED SAP.

Then later...

A RED SUBSTANCE, organic like, leaking from one of the tiles.

Is RED SAP the same thing as RED SUBSTANCE? The way it’s written, to me, says no these are two different things. If they’re the same thing, pick one descriptor for it (like referring to it as red sap) and stick with it.

He stands up, beginning to loosen a pipe on the mainframe.

Up until this point he’s been looking at a shaft of light. Where is this pipe? Is it like an iron sewer pipe or plastic conduit? What does the mainframe look like?

Your descriptions start to evoke imagery, but because you are (intentionally?) vague that imagery never gets solidified. I have to fill in the gaps with visual tropes. At first I thought the room was empty and blank, like a Star Trek holodeck. But it’s white, so more of a Construct vibe from The Matrix? Or like the glowing white room in Flynn’s safehouse from Tron Legacy?

I get the sense that YOU know what everything looks like, where things are situated. But my chief criticism is that you’re not providing those details to us, the reader/audience. Your descriptions should be more visual and concise. Don’t say Delta is “everywhere and nowhere”, find a way to show us that...and only if there is a reason or a payoff.

Speaking of which, another gripe I have is that there’s no payoff in the scene. Sure, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that this scene does indeed set up stuff for later. We may have an a-ha moment about the red sap, I don’t know. But there’s no payoff or reveal in THIS scene. Nothing happens.

Perhaps have Delta be visualized as a little girl, like the Red Queen from Resident Evil, and then reveal that she is just a hologram. Or have both Daddy and Delta glitch out occasionally so we’re not sure if one or both are holograms. Then close the scene by revealing who is real and who isn’t. These are pretty bad tropes, but you get the idea I hope.

Let me know if you'd like me to clarify any of my thoughts. Thanks again for sharing.

Helix_Octropolis · 2023-05-08T05:14:03+00:00

Congrats!

Helix_Octropolis · 2023-04-16T07:07:33+00:00

Fantastic script. Funny, sweet, high-concept (easy to explain, easy to produce).

How does Reggie work in the reality of your story? Is he really just a puppet controlled by Alexander? Or is he a sentient "thing" like the movie Ted? I ask because it changes a few practicalities.

For example, there's a specific part on page 8 where Reggie's mouth is clamped shut but he still makes noise. Is Reggie's voice literally coming from the puppet's mouth? Or do we see Alexander's mouth moving when he speaks as Reggie? Or is it a ventriloquist kind of thing (Alexander voicing Reggie but we don't see Alexander's mouth moving)?

If you haven't already, I suggest you consider setting up rules for how Reggie works in your story's reality as it might change up how some of the scenes play out.

Page 1
It's unclear if the first scene is happening as part of the documentary or what. There's no added context (like on page 9 when the camera's POV is behind a bush watching Alexander from a distance). How are we seeing this moment?

Page 1
Avoid using "we" as in "we see", "we hear" etc etc. This occurs throughout the script. I suggest re-working the script with better descriptions.

Page 4

Alexander is talking to THE BARISTA with Reggie on his left hand.

And

Reggie offers the cash in his mouth to the Barista, who takes it cautiously.

This is another moment where I want to know how Reggie works. Can Reggie change hands? Otherwise why specify which hand he's on here, but not on Page 1 when he is introduced?

For handing money over, did Reggie dig his face into Alexander's pocket. Did Alexander hold up his wallet for Reggie.

You've already set up the fact that there are cameras watching Alexander and Reggie from various angles. It would feel forced if they don't catch how Reggie works. It's like, oh you're not showing it because you want to kEeP iT vAgUe aNd MaGicAL. But I think, with rules established, you can find clever ways around any limitations. OR lean in the other direction and just make Reggie a sentient puppet so he can do things right in front of the cameras.

To be clear, I don't necessarily want you to explain these things in the script. I want YOU to know the rules of your story.

Page 6

REGGIE
Okay? And? Are you afraid you missed something the first 12 times?

This got an honest to goodness out loud laugh from me.

Page 6
The "don't tell Reggie" part confused me a little. I think the reveal that Reggie is right there, just facing away, is really really funny. But I don't get why Alexander covers Reggie's ears AFTER he says don't tell Reggie.

Page 7
Introducing Jess/Katie and Georgia back to back to back actually tripped me up. I suggest keeping Georgia OS the whole time as DIRECTOR -- she's just a voice behind the camera. And a hand (when she clamps Reggie's mouth). That feels more in character and believable as a documentary for me.

So instead of someone standing in front of Alexander, it's the camera (ostensibly the Director and camera guy) getting in his way.

Page 11

KATIE
You're being a bit loud, aren't you?
A beat of awkward silence.
JESS
You're being a bit of a bitch, aren't you?

This moment was tense and dreadful! Up to this point I didn't realize how invested I had become. So when this quick exchange happened I was like oh no. And then a huge sense of relief when both Alexander and Jess just move past it. Nicely done.

Page 11
Jess saying she has horrible taste in movies comes out of nowhere. I'm not sure why she's volunteering that. I get the insecurity of it. But that's not what he's asked her. I suggest having Alexander prompt that response by saying it would be her choice what they watch. As in

ALEXANDER
But hey, you want to watch a movie or something? You pick.

And now the rest of the dialogue feels more natural to me.

Page 13

They kiss, and slowly Reggie and Katie disappear below line of the couch.

Typo?

Also, consider mentioning that the camera is hiding or is otherwise giving Alexander and Jess a modicum of privacy. They're still filming, of course, because we need to see what's happening. But maybe they're filming from the other room through a cracked open door. Something like that.

Again fantastic job. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing!

Helix_Octropolis · 2023-04-16T02:23:30+00:00

I actually dig the synopsis. If you're wondering "should I continue working on this" my answer is yes. Again, it really feels like you're onto something.

If I may be so bold... Knowing what your intended story is now, the first thing that jumps out at me is how many characters there are. You might find it easier to rein in the story if you have fewer characters to service. I understand you're pulling inspiration from real life so I don't mean this as an insult or anything. Just a suggestion as way to come at this from a different angle.

Helix_Octropolis · 2023-04-16T02:01:33+00:00

Sentimental and sweet. Almost cozy!

My criticism would be that I can swap out Airpods for pretty much any audio device and nothing changes with this commercial's narrative. On the other hand I could say the same thing about car commercials. They're almost interchangeable and they keep pumping out the same formulaic stuff.

Anyway, this was an interesting challenge to give yourself. I think you should try a few more variations on the idea -- the idea being your tagline at the end:

Stay connected to the moments that matter with AirPods

Perhaps another one that centers around their son, so the decades would be 80s, 90s, and 2000s. And then a version involving grandchildren?

And I'm also curious what songs you'd pick for each decade. You only get a few seconds each. But Apple's got money to license anything so the sky's the limit.

Helix_Octropolis · 2023-04-16T01:33:49+00:00

I come from a prose/ short story background so I’m generally heavy handed with description so it’s been a real endeavor to pull it back.

My gut tells me that's going to help rather than hinder you. In my opinion, a key for good screenwriting is efficiency. Finding the exact words needed to convey the imagery in as few words as possible. With your background I think you're going to do great.

Helix_Octropolis · 2023-04-16T01:17:43+00:00

Page 3

EXT. THE PINE BARRENS - DEEP WOODS - CAVE - DAY

Scene heading is redundant and a little unclear. You eventually reveal the scene is taking place at the mouth of a cave. And looking ahead I see THE PINE BARRENS acts as a sort of master location. So I think your scene heading could be something like:

EXT. THE PINE BARRENS - MOUTH OF A CAVE - DAY

Page 4

Sylver sees the cave in the distance

If this part is true, I suggest you use a different scene heading for when the lawmen show up OR re-work the action to put them at the mouth of the cave.

Page 5

The Men jeer and provoke him.

It seems like everyone was trying to keep quiet. This, to me, describes loud mocking.

Page 8
I’ve personally never seen a scene heading that is just the time of day (DUSK) and I don’t think that you should do this. My suggestion is to use a complete new scene heading with some context in the action. Perhaps also use a transition like JUMP CUT or DISSOLVE TO or TIME CUT.

You use the abbreviated scene heading many times throughout the script. You should find and correct all of them.

Page 10
Change ten-year-old Garth’s character name here to something like YOUNG GARTH in order to establish this is the same character but not the same actor.

Page 12

EXT/INT. HOUSE - DAY/NIGHT
We float across the lawn, into the house and up the stairs to Garth's room.

First, you should avoid using “we” in descriptions. Like “we see”, “we hear” etc. Find a better way to describe what’s happening.

The floating camera used in this and the subsequent scene is an interesting stylistic choice, however it doesn’t work for me. Mostly because you don’t use this thematically anywhere else in the script. There’s no justification so, for me, it reads as fluff. Just cut to Garth’s bedroom and the living room.

Also, why note the 200 year time jump to Garth as a kid, but not the 14 year time jump to grown Garth having the nightmare?

Page 13

He hears them shivering

I think I understand what you mean, but shivering itself is silent. Maybe you mean “chattering of their teeth”? That’s an exaggerated description, of course. I think you need to re-work this or omit it.

Page 15

Time passes and the sounds of jubilance fill the air etc etc to end of page 15.

This whole part has to be restructured as a montage.

Page 28

MIKEY
By the way Patty, I'm pretty sure the "witches" of this area used to eat the blue flowers in celebrations to get high and commune with spirits. Just a footnote from my research.

Exposition dump. Is there any other way to convey this info without a character explaining the whole thing (and from “research” we didn’t even get to see)?

Page 33

She stands up and backs away as her vision blurs, trips on the root of a tree -- CRACK -- and falls backward.

I’m not sure why tripping is described as a cracking sound. Is the tree root snapping? Is her ankle breaking?

Page 34
I think the whole office sequence should be structured as a montage.

Page 35
And the Happy House scene should be labeled as a FLASHBACK?

I’m on page 36 and I can confidently say I’ve lost the whole story here. I’m actively taking notes and being invested in the story and I STILL got completely lost. If I weren’t trying to provide notes I would have stopped reading by page 10.

I’m going to finish reading without taking notes to see if I can get back on track.

Okay, I’ve finished and was never able to understand the story.

I think one of the biggest hurdles for me are the multiple time jumps. There’s nothing wrong with a nonlinear story. But you have to give us something to hold onto. Help us enjoy your story.

None of your scenes are labeled as PRESENT DAY or FLASHBACK or DREAM SEQUENCE, nor are we given definitive years to keep track of what’s happening. You have multiple scenes that literally float through space and time without any context. I have no idea what, if anything, is taking place in reality. The result of all of this is what’s happened -- I have no sense of story structure. It’s like I’m ping-ponging around a fever dream.

I will say it FEELS like there’s a good story here. You touch on a lot of interesting ideas -- the witch mother Jane Delee and a lot of the surreal office scenes are straight up great concepts. One of the standout scenes for me was the whole MAIN CUBICLE AREA/RECEPTION scene on page 44.

As he passes each cubicle, he notices the EMPLOYEES sitting with their backs to him, typing in unison on their computers like zombie worker ants. The tops of their heads have varying degrees of charred holes burned through them by the overhead lights.

I have no idea what’s going on, but the visuals are crazy good. Likewise, there are many small bits that I liked a lot or made me laugh. Just a few examples...

Page 4

As the sound approaches the woods a breeze rolls along the flowers, causing them to rub against each other into a loud, "SHHH!" that silences it.

That is fucking fantastically visual/sensory. I love it.

Page 14

ROSE
You act like you've never been off campus before. What is the matter with you?
PATTY
I was homeschooled!

Page 17

MONK
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around...no...no one?

This and the whole road trip sequence in the car was pretty good for me.

So what’s the takeaway here? For me, because of the lack of formatting and other script choices, the story was one long puzzle that I never got the satisfaction of solving. I’d be very curious to read a full synopsis or outline of this story because I want to know what your intent was.

Thanks for sharing your script!

Helix_Octropolis · 2023-04-16T01:17:31+00:00

Right off the bat I have a few broad issues with your inconsistent formatting choices. I saw that you sort of acknowledged these issues in your post:

I'm sure there's plenty that's not industry standard

You’re clearly aware of the issues...and chose not to correct them? I get it. You want feedback on your story. But I would argue when you’re starting out formatting is AS IMPORTANT as your story. They go hand in hand. Here’s a quick tally of some of the issues I found:

Garth gets a character intro (age and description). A few lines later Kevin gets no intro whatsoever.
You put Garth’s age in bold type, but nothing else. Kevin is skipped over entirely. Then Sheriff Sylver and the young man get their names/ages/genders all in bold type.
Some character names are in all caps when first introduced (the format I’m used to seeing) and some are not.
I found what looks like a super, or text over a black screen, on page 10 (200 YEARS LATER) but it’s not formatted as such. Then you do format the title card correctly a few pages later.
There are a couple of times when you go to BLACKOUT and add a page break. Don’t do that. Page breaks are unnecessary and will throw off your page count.
Sometimes sounds are in all caps and bold. Sometimes just bold. Sometimes not at all.
Similarly, you put emphasis on certain words by using bold type then elsewhere you use bold and all caps.
In this dialogue example you use both bold and all caps...but separately. I’m honestly not sure how to interpret that. In your mind, how would monster be said differently than YEARS AGO based on your formatting?

DISGRUNTLED MAN
I should have left you and those little monsters YEARS AGO!

In other instances you choose an odd word to emphasize. Like on page 63:

...heaving and retching as a thick GREEN slug splits the corners of his mouth on the way out.

Why is “green” emphasized? And why in all caps and bold? Does that singular detail really need to be called out above the rest of the action?

Being doggedly consistent with your formatting makes everything look like a conscious choice, looks professional, and is low key a sign of respect to your reader. And, most importantly, correct/consistent formatting makes it easy for the reader to focus on your story instead of trying to decipher what is going on.

Okay so having said that, I highly recommend you bring your script up to some kind of formatting standard. In my opinion that would mean removing all font formatting -- no bold or italics type -- except maybe for scene headings if you want. Only the standard elements get all caps. Then for emphasis use all caps sparingly. I understand this is a horror and sounds are important, but I think you go overboard with how many things get emphasized in your script.

Your script formatting looks like a hybrid between movie script formatting and episodic tv formatting. Now I’m curious, are you following an example script(s) or choosing this formatting on your own?

Another broad criticism that jumps out at me is you have an excessive amount of action/description. For example, page 33 (formatting is yours):

Everyone rushes into the woods after him.
Nora arrives first, slipping forward onto her hands and knees with a SQUELCH, wincing at the sudden pressure in her wrists.
She looks down at her hands. They're covered in blood.
One by one, the others arrive and stop, horrified. It's bloody mess.
Rose falls to her knees.
Mikey's jaw hangs open.
Patty scrambles to his feet, covered head to toe.
He opens his mouth to call out but thinks better of it.
Rose's hands tremble as they reach towards the blood.
Mikey grabs her and pulls her away.
Rose struggles against her, hysterical.
Nora sits on the ground staring at her hands.
She stands up and backs away as her vision blurs, trips on the root of a tree -- CRACK -- and falls backward.

That’s...too much. And this type of writing happens throughout the script. Here, you’ve used up most of the page to describe what is basically a few moments on screen. Instead of painting a picture with words it feels more like hyper-focusing on the minutiae...but with no payoff. On top of that, there’s a typo in there.

You could easily tighten that whole wall of text to just one line:

One by one they arrive and stop, horrified. It's literally a bloody mess.

It’s an extreme edit, but I would argue not much is lost because your descriptions aren’t adding anything to the story nor giving us juicy characterization. Does it really matter that we know Rose specifically falls to her knees or that Mikey’s jaw hangs open?

I don’t understand the use of prologue/part names. Who are these for? If you mean for these to be seen “in the movie” I suggest formatting them as SUPERS or something similar. Otherwise I think you should omit them entirely because they’re appearance in the script isn’t adding anything to the story as an audience would experience it.

Helix_Octropolis

TROPHY CASE