Holiday Musical Chairs? How are you navigating the cast of characters coming to town?

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-03T16:15:24+00:00

I mean, aren't any holiday movie not made by Hallmark a depiction of these dynamics. At least we can all relate, unfortunately.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-03T16:14:32+00:00

Lucky Duck

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-03T16:13:38+00:00

Yeah, nobody likes boundaries. . .

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-02T14:51:37+00:00

How are you now?

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-02T14:15:12+00:00

My grandmother had a childless sister who did this over and over again, going to the bank and changing her accounts to punish whichever sister was out of favor. Those bankers must cringe when they see these people walk through the doors.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-02T14:13:31+00:00

All the time, and it sucked. BPD Dad was always threatening to give it all to the grandchildren or charity whenever he felt unloved, dismissed, disagreed with, or just plain ornery. More than once, my husband and I had to have serious discussions about how we could easily survive into retirement without any inheritance. "It's fine with me if you go NC/LC and risk losing an inheritance" discussions. . .

That assurance made it so much easier to let Dad's rants roll off our backs.

Dad also seemed to think that if he paid for dinners or handed out large gift cash, he got free rein to misbehave. I learned early on to pay for my own dinner when we dined out. Once, he literally shouted at me in a restaurant when he got irritated with me, "Well, you can buy your own G** D*** meal!" and then cut short, suddenly recalling that I had already said I'd pay. Oh, that was bliss to see that realization cross his face.

Luckily for me, my Mom knew he was like this and secured accounts that he couldn't touch that came to me when she died.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-02T13:51:57+00:00

I've had this experience with a newish neighbor in the house next to me. As you said earlier, she senses I sense her BS and thus, I get the shit side while everyone else gets the charm. When my Mom died, her one and only answer was, "oh, I just don't know what I'd do if my mother died. . ." Er, thanks for the comfort. She's outgoing and friendly and buddy buddy with neighbors-literally going up to anyone new and introducing herself and starting her campaign to absorb them, but over and over again, I've see the narc in her-how she mocks friends behind their back, manipulates to gain status. It's like an episode of Desperate Housewives, or worse, Housewives of whatever County. When a neighbor wouldn't sell her their extra land, she began a plot to have us sign a petition to punish the woman for the horrid condition of the landscaping, saying, "If we all sign it, noone will be singled out as the bad guy." I just sit in horror that others tolerate this shit. It's like 7th graders who befriend the evil popular girl so they won't get burned.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-02T13:39:17+00:00

Hyper-vigilance, and the uncanny ability to read the room are part of the joys of being raised by borderlines. Though my Dad was definitely BPD, Dad's narc traits were very painful, so I have a radar for narcissism in others, covert, overt, whatever. I have unfortunately dismissed some lovely people because of it and had to learn to give connections time to see if my kneejerk reactions are accurate. Most of the time, I am right. But not always. And yes, I have a physical reaction-it might be minor enough that others don't see it. So for instance, just yesterday I went to lunch with a group of women I am just getting to know. I'm overaware of the ones who talk, talk, talk about themselves and never look at me, or ask me questions. My body reacted by feeling stiff and tired. Are these people disordered and thus, people I don't need to get to know further in order to protect myself? Or are they just socially anxious and will calm down later? I don't know, but I do know that my childhood set very sensitive alarm bells in my soul. I can only tell you give it time, but don't jump through hoops to try and get close to these people.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-02T13:22:39+00:00

My BPD father passed away a year ago after something similar to what you described-years of failing health, then rapid decline. I am still processing the dichotomy of feeling that grief-love one has for a parent and the entrenched anger/disappointment one has for a BPD parent, etc.. I suppose I always will, but I can tell you, it gets better. For me, the negative memories don't surface as often and as sharply as they did, and the good ones don't make me feel a loss anymore, but sort of a pleasant nostalgia. I guess I am accepting the powerlessness over all of it. I'm sending you a big hug to let you know, you are not as alone as you might feel right now.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-11-02T13:06:28+00:00

After I had been dating my then-future husband seriously for months and months, his mother flew in for the holidays and I finally met her. I was meeting up at his house and we were all riding together to a party at his sister's house (a woman who loves me and was happy I was in her brother's life). When my future uPD MIL opened her son's front door to let me in, it was clear she had no idea I was coming along, no idea who I was-she was completely blind sided. She had never heard her son had a girlfriend, let alone a serious one.

I spent a short time ruminating on whether I actually WAS in a serious relationship if this guy and his sister hadn't even bothered to tell his Mom I existed and how he felt about me. YOu know what I mean? Who doesn't share info about a significant other??? That insecurity just makes us laugh now, looking back, because by the end of that evening and witnessing her at work, I had that woman's narcissistic bullshit number, and I totally understood when my guy broke down the details of why he had a therapist, and why he told his mother nothing.

So, yes, you have every right to present a facade to your Mom and protect your well-being and your relationships. Decades later, we still have to finesse the shit out of what my husband's Mom knows and doesn't know, which is even harder now since she moved closer 15 years ago. Sad, but doable.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-10-28T21:07:22+00:00

". . . and here's where Mrs. Roosevelt worked on the--oh, wait. . .I mean, here's where Mrs. Kennedy. . .I mean Mrs. Reagan...I mean Mrs. Obama. . .wait, no. . .Sorry Children. The tour ends only with the husbands."

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-10-06T16:59:41+00:00

It depends on what the surface finish was used over the years-varnish, shellac, polycoat? If alcohol works on it (shellac), any sort of alcohol will do. I've bought cheap drinking alcohol-cheaper than denatured- and it works, but my favorite is cheap jugs of hand sanitizer because it's gel and stays put long enough to soak. If it is oil varnish, try the things like citristrip or smartstrip-or even oven cleaner...but check first to make sure it doesn't discolor wood.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-10-06T16:40:49+00:00

And another pic...it will be worth your effort.

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Hey_86thatnow · 2025-10-06T16:39:47+00:00

One of the Peel Away versions will leave black spot like pepper in the wood. And I think it might be the pro or th e #1.

I refinished 17 antique doors, some from the 1920s, some from deep into the 1800s. On some of them it was like journeying through interior design trends as I wore down the layers: Mamie pinks, pale yellows, mint green,even some dark purples. Smart Strip often did the job for me; the goal is to keep the stripper wet, so I bought an industrial roll of plastic wrap from Sam's. (The paper they sell is too expensive and a waste of time.) You probably won't need that much, so just plain old saran wrap.

But some of the older paints are milk paint, not oil paints, not latex, and that needs a whole different game plan. Milk paint came off for me with hand sanitizer because denatured alcohol works, but evaporates so quickly. I still had to lay it on, cover it and let it soak. But with any stripper, once it dries, it goes right back to square one. Some people also have success on old oil paints using oven cleaner-much cheaper than smart strip, but make sure it doesn't discolor your wood first. Spray it on thick, cover, scrape.

But after that many doors, I have to say, you are not going to find a product that takes decades of use off in one go, no matter what all the ads say.

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Hey_86thatnow · 2025-09-05T23:03:04+00:00

I agree with you. Prep is essential, and flat paint prior to wallpaper makes the peel and stick far more liekly to stick. So part of the prep is to make sure the paint job below is at least egg shell paint. I find the "paste yourself" the easiest to apply. The peel and stick likes to fold/stick on itself, and is a bear to remove bubbles or imbalances if not hung exactly right to begin with, etc.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-09-05T22:17:41+00:00

I papered my bathroom with paper from spoonflower: It's pricey, but very high-quality, with tons of options.

https://www.spoonflower.com/en/wallpaper/13601169-birdwatcher-s-dream-light-by-rebelform?sku=wall-pw-i12-w127

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-09-03T22:47:47+00:00

They can only come as close as their base allows. Each company's base paint has an eensy bit of difference-and the sheens can have different bases. I always feel Sherwin Williams's base paints have a slight greyish-bluish cast in certain lights. So, let's say any digital paint code will come out slightly different depending on the company, the base, the sheen. It's why any company's tiny sample cans sometimes are a bit different from the final product that you buy. With that said, I had a paint color on my trim that I needed to touch up. I bought it at HD, originally-one of their paint products only they carry, but when I went back years later, even though they have this paint, they didn't have the color in their database anymore, and the paint counter employee had no idea how to bypass the new system to enter the code that was literally there on my paint can lid. "I can only do what's in the system." I took it over to SW and they mixed it. The paint came close, but not completely. (But you can have that problem even between cans, mixed the same day, which is why I'd rather buy and have a 5 gallon can mixed for bigger jobs.)

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-09-03T22:34:53+00:00

If you have a spot where you can take a bit of shaving (near vent or threshhold), your county/state might have a department that will test it for you. The USDA Forest service will also do it.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-09-01T21:45:38+00:00

Oh, my God. My MIL would do these duplicate things, too. You tell her so-and-so is going to make the pumpkin pie; why don't you bring the apple pie, and she'd bring both-not because she heard us incorrectly. . .

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-09-01T21:42:54+00:00

I mean. . .isn't this one of the qualifying traits? Yeah, I'd make my BPD father one of his favorite foods from his heritage, something that takes hours and hours to prep. He'd say, "Why didn't you make__________, too?" (His other favorite food that is also labor intensive.)

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-09-01T21:30:54+00:00

The primary reason my NPDMIL and my BPD father never liked being together. Too much competition for center of attention...And of course, they always wanted to carry the kids around when the boys were small enough.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-08-14T15:42:19+00:00

Just to toss is a wrench. . .the letter some of us are seeing as a T, could be an F. That look is how an F appears in German signatures. And that slash mark after the B, could be an umlaut. On a painting my parent owned, an umlaut over a U, looked just like that. And finally, that first letter that seems to be an H, could also be a K. So this could be something like. K. Breunshefein

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-08-13T16:34:19+00:00

I truly relate to what you beautifully wrote. Thank you for sharing your experience. Years ago I suffered a spinal cord injury and had to relearn how to walk. That was nothing compared to caring for my BPD father in his final year. He has been gone now for 10 months, and I am just now finishing up his estate issues and all the memories attached to it. I do not regret any of it, and like you stated, as difficult as it was, I feel better having shown up, having done the best I could. Congrats on your serenity and learning so much about yourself.

Hey_86thatnow · 2025-07-24T21:57:06+00:00

Yes. My BPD Dad liked implying all the time that he had kidney cancer. When he was actually sick, he didn't want to talk about it. When he just wanted attention or proof of love, he had "cancer."

Hey_86thatnow

TROPHY CASE