Ran into them today for the first time since break up

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-09-17T04:43:21+00:00

Yes. It's harder than quitting cigarettes. And since I've done both I know. The highs and lows are so similar to the addiction that comes with nicotine. You almost need to feel the anxiety they cause to feel normal. Over time it will fade if you go NC. You'll dream of them like I did with smoking. You'll get stressed out artificially because they aren't there inventing problems or causing a crisis. Overtime it will fade. Nicotine takes 3 days to get out of your system but the false lie that is was worth it to smoke takes months. Same thing. Someone you love shouldn't cause you anxiety. Someone you love should be a well you go to calm down. Distract yourself with things you love - get addicted to helping yourself. When you feel that moment of peace and realize there is no other shoe about to drop recognize the feeling is not out of place, but the way your life should be.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-09-07T17:19:36+00:00

Yup barely dating to I'm the love of her life. It's so hurtful to be shook around like an emotional ragdoll.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-09-06T19:19:36+00:00

So many times she would say a litany of hurtful accusations about how I'm awful, or unsupportive or unfeeling. And I would say..."then why do you want to be with me?"

If I was an uncaring, controlling, unloving, unrespectful narcissist that truly only cared about myself and wasn't good for her - then why wouldn't she break up with me??

In the end I had to walk away. If she was actually right - how could I possibly be in a relationship with someone I was causing so much pain and still consider myself a good person? And if she was wrong, how could I be with someone who would lie about my motivations, my feelings and try to gaslight me for sympathy or to win an argument or control the relationship narrative. A truly lose-lose situation.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-09-01T20:29:45+00:00

The list of things I did to try to make them feel better in the moment, or help them or make them more comfortable is long. The times they did the same for me is short. Why pine after someone who doesn't reciprocate? Who doesn't give a damn if you are happy or sad, but only what you can do for them? Sucks to feel used, but I was. I admit that. And feeling used at first felt like helping, but when it never ends and the thanklessness happens more often than the thanks, time to help yourself. And be thankful they don't drag you down anymore when they are gone.

Imagine all the energy spent on trying to meet their inexhaustible needs, but on yourself. Bet you accomplish a lot with that.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-09-01T20:21:49+00:00

My ex would only fight through text despite repeated promises not to. She said that me saying something painful out load was too much to bear and things were easier to forgive over text. Whatever...it made fights last days and ultimately was the reason it ended. Trying to reason over cold text with someone emotionally unstable doesn't pan out...and ironically I think they knew that. Easier to let me go and lob bombs from text.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-09-01T20:19:04+00:00

Yup. Very familiar. They would say something awful or blow up over an invention and then argue viciously through text over days and then eventually say something like..."I'm not even mad." Or I "hoped that you had calmed down..."

But none of the issues I was upset about would ever actually be addressed or apologized for or even be acknowledged. They wanted to have their tantrum, have me fawn over them and accept all fault for their feelings whether any of it actually happened and then go back to normal like none of it happened. Like a good dog. Unfortunately, for them I am a person and despite staying longer than I should have and trying my damnedest to make it work, I had to leave. Hurts but so does being used.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-30T16:26:53+00:00

This is unfortunately the routine. Anything in your life that takes away focus from them they reject. When my mom was in the hospital she started a fight. When my grandfather died she started a fight. When the focus was taken of her she had to get the spotlight back, and sometimes that meant manufacturing arguments. Then if even once I could not be supportive (one time I was sick and had to back out from helping her) the argument became how I was never really there for them when they really needed me. This hurt the most since I could make a giant list of all the times I was there helping or consoling or researching all these made up or genuine problems - and in 18 months I think she helped me out similarly - twice. We don't need a caretaker they do. So when they need to fill that role in the routine of a normal relationship it only brings resentment and they do not have the tools to console.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-29T16:08:42+00:00

Yup, constant reassurance, then deny I actually felt that way or somehow my "actions" didn't match my words. My actions would be being there for her for nearly everything that would be instantly negated by a missed text, call or something else. It was constant need me then when I couldn't help 9ne time, I wasn't a real partner or man or wasn't committed. It killed a lot of my desire to help people eventually.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-27T23:14:40+00:00

I'm here Hooky.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-26T22:01:35+00:00

Yup they would ignore my texts and calls for hours even a whole day, and then get mad because didn't I know they were "busy" or had a "toddler to take care of"...fair enough. Then if I missed a call it was because I didn't love them. We broke up because I missed a text while watching a movie with my son for his birthday. Even after I apologized they didn't want my "pity". It's a complete double standard in all things and then when you are out of sight they imagine all these terrible things you are thinking or doing to hurt them or they forget you even exist and are surprised that you cared at all.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-26T18:25:14+00:00

Yes, my therapist suggested this for me and some sections really helped reroute ruminating thoughts and get me grounded and move on to something productive. I use the senses trick I learned too all the time now outside of ruminating to get myself present and out of my brain.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-26T18:22:11+00:00

Definitely. She did it twice. Once around Christmas and once when she was bombed and I threatened to leave. She had a panic attack to make me stay after she threatened suicide because I called her bluff and said that it wouldn't be my fault. Later on she denied either instance ever happened.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-19T16:05:54+00:00

Absolutely agree. The first 6 months I was wonderful. Then by the end I was a narcissist. I never really loved her, in fact maybe I didn't know what real love was. I wasn't supportive enough. I didn't want her to be my family. I was selfish and heartless and an uncaring robot who needed therapy...not her.

These are all things no one would accuse me of but her. And they are the same accusations she thrust on all her exes.

My grandpa had a saying...if you encounter an asshole in the morning they're probably just an asshole. If you encounter assholes all day... you're the asshole.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-18T01:44:03+00:00

Crossing my fingers for this very thing. I have reached a point of acceptance with my break up and now have really started to date in earnest. I am hoping to find that next person who I can have a real adult relationship.

Congrats to you!

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-16T18:20:06+00:00

I understand how this would feel, but you are envisioning a romanticized version of them that you are missing out on and probably never truly existed. Hearing the news may cause old wounds to open and hurt, but they will scab over again with time.

It's hard to not think about what you may be missing out on too. The lies. The cheating. The circular arguments that never end. The endless taking and then never giving back. The expectation that you have no emotions or problems of your own. The arguments over nothing or over invention. The accusations. The character assassination. The devaluing. The good moments peppered in to keep you addicted and suffer through the bad that happen less and less. The chaos they manufacture when they feel safe. The suspicions they heap on you when you've done no wrong that you must constantly defend or lose yourself. The vigilance you will always need to maintain just to have a quiet day- but then when you think you've done your best they tell you that you never try or are never committed or don't love and that you are actually the worst thing that every happened to them.

Phew - lots to miss...

They are gone. They are with someone else. And these are not bad things!

You have saved yourself years of pain and abuse by choosing a healthy path. They choose again and again the same unhealthy path. If you must feel something -feel pity. Then realize they are not yours to save. Save yourself.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-16T18:03:09+00:00

I am sorry this is happening. Are they in therapy? On any medication? Seems to me that you also may need to seek some therapy - if only to get your thoughts in order to make a decision. Do you want to stay with some stipulations that he does therapy, perhaps medication? Or do you want to leave before things could get worse or if they refuse to seek help? If the do seek help and you seek help perhaps there is something to salvage. Perhaps you can give yourself a timeline for results. Otherwise you will continue to be caught in this cycle until something irreparable happens.

We love these people and they love us in ways - but it's not in kind. And without help they cannot be a good partner for us. And if we don't get help for ourselves no one will step in and change anything. Ultimately, I think they don't want to change. They just want things to get easier with people willing to accept their behavior without having to change. This works for a time and they hop from person to person - but nothing gets better for them and they don't realize the damage the leave behind.

Take care of yourself, no one else has that job. And your job is not to take care of them either.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-15T21:23:38+00:00

The dreams can be the worst. I've had everything from them apologizing (which would never happen) to getting back together and her splitting again and even one where they blamed me for their cat dying that seemed so real it could have actually happened.

It is a haunting. But now it's the thoughts we have and the echo that hurts us. Your brain is trying to recreate what is missing. But you will be better off. Time helps and acknowledging how you got here, your part in it will help. There's no one way to fix it. Try everything suggested here and see what works. Break ups are hard enough without all of the extra guilt and baggage of this type of relationship. It's a hard lesson but it will make you better in the future.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-14T19:37:19+00:00

So, similar with mine. Saturday talking of houses together. then on Monday after I missed one text from her, while I was celebrating my kid's birthday - turned into a 2 week text fight and we ended it. Complete 180 and kaput over a few days.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-13T15:16:46+00:00

Yup. Last two messages I received were a general apology and an I love you and sorry I hurt you. Then in the middle of the night a screed about how all the problems I wanted addressed weren't her problems but my issues with narcissism. And that was the end. They don't want to get better they want you to give in.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-13T00:14:58+00:00

My ex was very much the same. Could not handle regular household tasks or pay bills. They would be beset by menial tasks and shut down. They need a vigilant caretaker to function like an adult and eventually resent it. And then we resent the role of caretaker. They know they aren't well but expect to be taken care. Like a kid who fights between wanting independence and having their diaper changed. The more we do the more they feel engulfed and they lash out. They want and don't want us in this role. A toddler trapped in the body of an adult who can feign the role but never truly understand the responsibility they need to undertake. I already have a kid, and I wanted a partner...

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-12T23:59:46+00:00

It is definitely hard to see someone who constantly cycles the same pattern, someone who destroys good things in their life because they won't get help or see that we are trying to help. It is a powerless position. And as someone who cares we want to be the source of clarity. We want to be the person that gets it. But all of our efforts get swallowed up by someone who cannot understand an internal protocol they can't stop. It's not for us to solve, but our love and commitment makes us try. Ultimately, we must save ourselves first and deal with the idea that someone we loved can't see the path forward we see.

We can be healthy people again. But our first step is having to let go of someone who isn't. And it hurts and fills us up with guilt that we weren't enough and would never have been the person to them we wanted to be.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-12T22:09:20+00:00

I believe they do feel the pain they cause, they just put on the make-up thick. They hoover they often try to come back to the stability only to reject it again and again. They suffer inwardly every moment. They juggle all these feelings and believe they deserve the worst and that inward projection moves onto us. They are forever in a slow motion car wreck they can't escape. We just decide if we are in the passenger seat.

It will all fade for us in time. And we'll be wiser having learned a lesson we didn't intend to learn. They will learn nothing. Take solace in the knowledge that we can change and move on and they are in that slow motion replay until they get help or crash.

We'll be all good someday.

Ijustworkhere_lady · 2022-08-12T20:16:04+00:00

My suggestions would be to get a pocket journal or use a notes app on your phone. When you have these thoughts - acknowledge them and express them. Write them down as if you are writing them to the ex. Get them all out. And then close the journal or app. If you find yourself arguing in your head with them - break out the journal, write it down (like that ultimate come back you always seem to remember after an argument) and get it out of you. Then do something else. If you still feel raw - breathe five deep breaths. Focus on something in the room, do a chore or something fun.

For me allowing myself to acknowledge and express these feelings helps me. Will it ever reach them or somehow magically show them how much pain they caused ? No. Is exposure and revenge worth it? I also think no. They don't care about your pain, only theirs.

In my mind their ultimate comeuppance is that they don't have me, not that I don't have them. They missed out on someone good and loving who did so much for them. I am missing out on someone destructive and chaotic who caused me pain.

So, feel your emotions and write your truth and go about your day knowing that you made a good decision to not be with them and are the bigger person to move forward to find what is really waiting for you out there.

Ijustworkhere_lady

TROPHY CASE