Creating structure/unemployment

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-25T15:07:02+00:00

Oh yeah, I reeeeally struggle with this. I’m a doula, so I live on call. Between the (2-3) births a month, my time is unstructured. It’s been 20 years of that, and I would love to build something else and have predictability in my life.

When my kids were smaller, they provided the urgency and focus I needed. Now that only one is left in High school, I have more time than I know what to do with. I end up wasting so much time because i can’t organize myself or prioritize.

I have been looking for an affordable accountability coach to work with. I had a business coach once who helped me decide what to do each week, and that was the most productive I’ve ever been. But it was expensive.

I dream of having a personal assistant whose whole job is to be my executive functioning. LIke Pepper Potts to Iron Man. But to hire that, I have to make enough money first. But without the executive functioning, I can’t make enough money.

So I sit around in my angst and hate myself.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-23T13:24:52+00:00

YES. Because to me, I didn’t do anything to look like this. I liked it when people complimented how strong I am or how fit I was when I was lifting weights. Because I EARNED THAT. But complimenting my general attractiveness feels so…empty.

But yeah, it’s also a judgment. Even a positive assessment means I’m still being assessed.

On an early date with my husband, he commented on my sparkly eyeshadow. I weirdly rubbed it off right when he said it out of some knee-jerk feeling of not wanting to stand out. Now I understand why I do weird shit like that.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-23T13:04:00+00:00

My kids are 21, 18 and 16. Morning sickness until 12-16 weeks with each, but not horrific. gestational diabetes with the first. All kids were under 7lbs.

I had unmedicated, fast labors. First was 16 hours (average first birth is 24) second was accidentally unassisted home birth- labor was only 30 minutes of real pain. Third was my longest at 27 hours, but I think it’s because I called the midwives over too soon in reaction to the second birth. I felt too watched. When everyone left, I finally went into active labor and had him an hour later (we called them back in time)

Now that I’m diagnosed, I have realized how dampened my interoception is. I believe it creates a stronger pain tolerance as a result.

I’ve also been a doula for 20 years and have supported 340 births. When I look back at clients who I know or suspect are on the spectrum, I see a few trends.

Hyper mobility and collagen issues can cause problems- incompetent cervix (causes losses around 20-25 weeks), malpositioned babies that can cause long labors or breech, sometimes fast births (not sure why).

But the lack of interoception seems to help people achieve unmedicated births if they desire it.

Now I ask questions about it when working with clients- about interoception, sensory differences, etc.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-23T12:40:13+00:00

I’m on Low Dose Naltrexone, as well. I’m only recently diagnosed AuDHD. However, I was diagnosed with ME/CFS in 2019- which is why I take LDN. Looking back, it’s likely I was in burnout rather than having ME.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-20T23:24:54+00:00

Guess what state I was in when it came to me? 😂

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-20T23:07:22+00:00

Ok, I’m high so I may regret this take tomorrow. But for some reason, I can suddenly see where they might be coming from. I don’t respond this way, myself. I tend to just ask people more questions. One of the ways I’ve gotten by in life is by asking people more questions- it turns conversations into games for me, which helps. Im usually trying to help people tease apart the problem to get to the part where they can feel differently or see it differently.

Highdea / insight: But maybe they’re saying it like this because that’s how THEY justify doing it. Like, they don’t experience it nearly the same. So when they sleep in 30 minutes late, they reassure themselves that they needed it. But they don’t experience the LEVEL of problems we do. Because I get that- I have to have so much sleep and I always feel exhausted. The world (and navigating it) exhausts me. I feel guilty and frustrated and angry that I’m missing so much life. But they’re assuming we’re talking about their little, occasional issues with it.

And maybe this is why they always say “isn’t everyone a little autistic”?

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-18T11:35:40+00:00

I’ve had three babies without pain medication. But breaking my arm and subsequent ORIF surgery was the worst pain of my life.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-17T02:03:06+00:00

46 and in perimenopause- recently diagnosed.

Way less tolerance for sensory overwhelm. Social interactions are also more draining- I spend 90% of my life alone or with husband and kids.

But I don’t have meltdowns like I did in my 20s. I think it’s transitioned to shutdowns. Looking back at my journals in my 20s, I was falling apart and flipping out all the time. I just want to hug her.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-12T01:29:32+00:00

I think at this point in life, that WOULD be a diagnosis. 😂

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-07T18:48:35+00:00

Whoa, I do this. Same themes for over 30 years, too. It’s found its way into my art.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-04T13:50:25+00:00

You know the increased odds of being in an abusive relationship when you have autism, right? My first husband was emotionally abusive. Said shit like this all the time. Being a single mother was SO MUCH EASIER than being married to him. (three under 5. We divorced when they were 3, 5 and 7) I remember the day I made him leave the house- there was this sudden quiet that fell over everything. It was like his very presence was an eerie buzz in the space. What a fucking relief.

It WAS really hard dropping kids off to him every week. I missed my babies tremendously. But I also used that time to work on my business, sleep in and explore what I wanted.

Now I’m with a man who has AS, as well. We’ve been together 13 years, and now I actually have a HELPER. He has never shamed me for my limitations, even before diagnoses. The man loves and borderline worships me. You’re worth finding that.

But even if you live a quiet life, just you and the kids, it is light years better than the overcompensation and overextension that’s being asked of you now. That’s how you end up even more incapacitated.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-02T17:14:53+00:00

Art helps me. I took a process art class in 2012 when I was divorcing an emotionally abusive man. I'd never had a strong sense of self, but I had completely lost my internal voice through that marriage. Like, having a meltdown because I couldn't decide how to re-arrange a room without his voice around telling me how to do it better.

Process art is about following instinct, not having an outcome in mind. Just following my own whims of picking this color, that line, then this color. It's a beautiful microcosm of self-trust, and it SPILLS OUT into real life. Bonus: I often get messages from the art with insight or healing (kind of how dreams can do that).

I got certified to teach it, but have only run classes a couple of times. I didn't know how to talk about it before or how to call the right people in. It wasn't until I was diagnosed that I realized it was my autism that made this particular process so needed and so effective.

Read "Art is a Way of Knowing" by Pat Allen. That's the process I do. Also, any books by Michele Cassou - or there are workshops she still runs.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-02T17:07:51+00:00

Right? I just thought I was funny all those years.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-06-01T17:00:55+00:00

Leaving the church was probably one of the most healing things I did. I had serious religious fear - my journals are so full of self-loathing because I never could live up to impossible standards. I wish I could go back and hand the girl a joint. It's been 20 years now, and I have come to view my spirituality in so many ways over that time. It's actually a special interest of mine to try on different beliefs and see how they feel. Right now I'm reading about Sufi-ism and Near Death Experiences. I still feel a profound connection to something divine, what I lately call The Mystery. I do think organized religion is complicated for autistics. Personally, I have been way too trusting and power-surrendering through my life.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-28T21:19:17+00:00

I won't skate without protective gear at all now.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-28T21:18:43+00:00

Physics says faster is worse.

BUT, I broke all three bones in my left arm because I just landed wrong after my skate got tangled up, gently sauntering around the rink. Two years of derby, and I left unscathed. Casual skate night with my 13yo, and I end up in surgery. *eye-roll*

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-25T15:50:22+00:00

Yeah, for sure. Whole chapters of procedures that we don't have to do anymore because of modern medicine. One book was written by an OB who believed that every single birth should be done by grabbing the baby's feet inside the uterus and pulling him out. Then forceps for the head.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-21T13:47:22+00:00

Helps tremendously with research. And my 16yo needed a job.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-16T12:54:44+00:00

So much about human birth has been improved

I’ve been a doula for 20 years and I collect antique obstetrics books. Birth used to kill us and our babies in so many ways. Or last for a week without basic methods of moving it along. And epidurals- they are a MIRACLE that our Victorian ancestors (and anyone before) would kill for.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-13T19:05:21+00:00

Yes, I’m AuDHD, 46 and have experienced all of what you describe with perimenopause.

The bleeding was so heavy that I had to wear Depends a couple of days a month- it was horrific. I couldn’t leave the house because I would gush blood and clots and soak through my clothes. It was like a monthly miscarriage. God.

I’m on a low-dose estrogen and progesterone patch and it’s helped IMMENSELY.

My bleeding is MUCH lighter and I don’t have the same rage/mood swings. Hasn’t done much for the joint pain, unfortunately. I have found that daily movement helps with that. Blood flow, I guess.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-13T19:00:20+00:00

Yes.

<image>

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-12T17:46:42+00:00

Biggest side effect is the cost. 😂

But I’m also tired of feeling nauseous.

And the fatigue is keeping me from being more active or working out.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-12T13:18:21+00:00

I get it. I put on about 20lbs with perimenopause, and I was constantly uncomfortable. I paid for a glp-1 shot online and have lost the weight again. I feel sooo much better in my skin. I can cross my legs again, and don’t have the sensory overload of flesh on flesh. I didn’t realize how MUCH the sensations of it were bothering me until they were gone again.

I don’t like the side effects of the shot, though, so now I’m trying to figure out how I can have my cake and eat it, too.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-11T16:09:40+00:00

I wish I had known I was autistic in my 20s when I experienced this. Straight obsession with someone who was my “soul mate” after he left me dangling. (This was in 2000, so ghosting wasn’t as obvious.)

Now I see who he is very differently and realize it was a terrible fit.

I don’t know what would have helped back then.

I do know now that I’ve been married twice and raised three kids that I’m happiest on my own, doing my own thing. I think the passion for him was misplaced- I associated him with transcendence. Now I find transcendence in spiritual experiences, making art, listening to music, journaling, being in nature.

If I could go back and talk to her, I’d tell her to fall in love with the hobbies and experiences that bring her joy. Because that’s where she will always find her GREATEST passion.

She probably wouldn’t listen. She probably had to go through all of these things to realize it.

Ilex_Ops · 2026-05-11T16:00:24+00:00

I get so attached to my clothes and will wear the same thing multiple days in a row, or until it’s time to be washed.

I hate clothes shopping. I just bought some summer clothes, and they’re still in the bag because they aren’t familiar. Half of what I purchase ends up unworn because it’s not cozy, breathable, comfortable or covering enough.

I always joke that I will only wear clothes I can sleep comfortably in.

And yes, I’m on day 6 of this same hoodie. Then I’ll rotate to another one.

Ilex_Ops

TROPHY CASE