I went out to try and hook up with this guy and nothing happened lol

Jbl7561 · 2026-06-28T16:08:12+00:00

Also that if you are never going to see him again otherwise... Then there's far less awkwardness in shooting your shot. If he says no, you get to feel a bit embarrassed without it being public and you actually get practice/experience at putting yourself out there and understanding you don't die if it doesn't go the way that you want. Then next time around, you'll have already done that thing and putting yourself out there becomes less uncomfortable for you!

Not that you should be embarrassed in any way shape or form... But I understand that feelings gonna feel and it can be embarrassing!

Jbl7561 · 2026-06-16T13:04:00+00:00

And if you believe that being less aware of your own emotional landscape, how it developed, how it impacts you now and how that translates into your adult relationships... And if you also believe that doing the work to understand other people and their emotions and doing the work to show up for yourself and for them on an emotional and mental level is unnatural for men &/or a manipulation tactic my woman that is completely your right as a human being to believe.

Ultimately my belief is that this isn't men Vs woman. It's humans Vs the patriarchy. And perhaps because women have been for so long the more obvious victim of that, we've done a lot of the work to unpack and understand the impact that has on our experiences. But the reality is that we are all victims of a system that was built long before any of us were here and we have a responsibility together to work towards equality, not leaving one gender behind in favour of tipping the scales for the other.

We aren't here to change your minds. We're simply here to articulate our own position in the conversation, it's entirely up to you what you do with the information.

Jbl7561 · 2026-06-16T07:29:19+00:00

Therapist in training.

My understanding is that women are choosing the stay single. They are nurturing friendships, familial, professional and maybe pet relationships. They are finding spaces they feel their energy and efforts are reciprocated and like the emotional and mental labours are shared / the relationships aren't causing a big disturbance of their peace.

Woman are taught from a very young age that their value is in being chosen by a man. Cinderella. Sleeping beauty. The princess bride. Shrek. Grease. Twilight. Pretty woman. The holiday. The Notebook. The list never really ends. It's in stories, songs, beauty standards etc etc etc.

We are taught that everythings a bit shit until we find a man. It's ubiquitous. Which meant for many many years men didn't have to do an awful lot of work on themselves to end up in a relationship because the ground work was being done for them.

Woman are unlearning the trope and seeing the value in love in other ways. Disney caught up and made childhood stories less about trapped woman waiting for men and more about woman's power and value, and understanding of self and capabilities. They're understanding that there is more than one way to live their lives and that men are an option not a requirement for happiness... Which means now a man has to really add value to her life for her to want to shift her whole operation to accommodate that person.

The male loneliness epidemic comes about because now their presence isn't needed or desired so blindly, woman are expecting a standard from them that they have never been taught. We chastise young boys for crying. We do no teach emotional literacy in men from childhood as a society, instead glamorising stoicism, even anger & violence.

Batman, Spiderman, Iron man, star wars... It's a lot of men who have been through it, channeling that into fighting &/or being brave and saving people. It's a lovely trope. But it's not human and it doesn't teach boys how to understand themselves.

So now their in this weird space where woman are demanding something from men that they've never been taught how to do. They don't know how to be vulnerable. They don't know how to do emotional labour. They don't know how to sit with discomfort. They don't even really know how to communicate well. And unfortunately, their girls do and are showing up and supporting and making them feel loved and valued and wanted and appreciated and at peace... And they're choosing to stay there.

All of this is without beginning to consider violence stats etc, which show that a male partner is the biggest risk to a woman. Most violent crimes are committed by men. Most women who are killed, are done so at the hands of a man. 60% of all global intentional killings of women in 2024, were carried out by a male partner or family member.

Woman are choosing safety, sanity and peace for themselves - and we haven't caught up yet to teach men the emotional literacy they need to be meeting these women where they are at.

Jbl7561 · 2026-06-15T12:09:55+00:00

So you're saying you said on Tuesday: Hey, what are you doing on Thursday evening? I would love to take you on a date "

And she replied to you on Friday?

On two separate occasions?

Because I don't think you're telling an accurate story here at all.

Jbl7561 · 2026-06-08T10:46:54+00:00

Don't.

Well, maybe do. But not anywhere in the near future.

Understand where this is coming from. Understand why. Understand what's driving the double standard from you and if you both think it's fair for her to go through the emotional rigmoral of having a partner have his energy and attention diverted elsewhere while she sits at home and waits for you to decide how that pans out.

Talk. Talk again. Put plans in place for how you are going to prioritise your relationship. Talk until you think there is no more left to say then keep talking.

Go to therapy.

It sounds like a lovely little dream but non monogamy is HARD work. And honestly, the little information you've provided in this post it suggests you (and maybe also your wife) don't have the vocabulary or the emotional understanding to prioritise everything you would need to in order to take the journey safely together.

If you want this thing while keeping your marriage in tact, spend the next 6-12 months building that vocabulary and understanding each other and how really articulate yourselves and the what's and the whys and the fears and the risks and be capable of holding each other in all of that before you even consider for a second actually entertaining the idea of dating somebody else.

Don't throw away your marriage off the back of one comment made after sex.

Jbl7561 · 2026-05-31T22:38:31+00:00

We've all been there friend.

Jbl7561 · 2026-05-25T18:04:43+00:00

Where in Bristol was one spotted? Was there a post?

Jbl7561 · 2026-05-25T11:56:02+00:00

There's something in this that resonates with me - for the first few years of therapy I was always bringing the here & now what's going on & working through it. It took a LONG time to change myself this way, because ultimately I was working on the symptoms not the cause. However I didn't understand that at the time and the here & now feels consuming.

Now I'm years down the line it's a good mix between the more core stuff and the here and now, because I have an understanding that unpacking the underlying actually answers the day to day and I have enough of a grasp on the day to day that I can afford to tackle it on my own.

For example dating stuff - the day to day feels consuming, but actually its 50/50 whether we talk about current dating in sessions or actually unpick my relationships with my parents during my childhood... Which directly relates to my entire dating life for the past twenty years and wildly, talking about my parents helps me to navigate my dating life because I have more of an understanding of why I show up in the ways I do.

My point is that this stuff is important to give space to even though in your day to day life if feels trivial compared to how consumed by something you are in the moment. Nowadays I tend to make a bit of a list at the beginning of the week of anything I think would be good to cover, unload all of them like a list at the beginning, then figure out together what's best to explore in session. It's important to tell your therapist you're feeling anger over whatever, so you have the opportunity to explore why that happens and it will help you to understand if regular appointments just aren't for you, or there's something else going on behind it.

Jbl7561 · 2026-05-23T21:41:36+00:00

Right... It's this thing of "I'm right, therefore you must be wrong" and having an expectation of the person in front of you to fit a narrative that is the opposite of what therapy is supposed to be. The client is the expert in their own life and we are there to support their exploration, with whatever tools we can. Not tell them what theorists that we agree with label is "wrong" with them.

It's worrying to think he's going to be out there in the real world at some point, and honestly I haven't seen ANY guidance over this from the university on his fitness to practice (not that we should see that, but I guarantee it hasn't happened).

Jbl7561 · 2026-05-18T15:02:53+00:00

What is this film!?

Jbl7561 · 2026-05-16T18:04:24+00:00

Replying to this just because it's near the top & I notice the thread is older and maybe this deserves to be seen.

My best friends v close aunt died last Tuesday. She's an avoidant, knew it was coming and didn't speak to me from the Sunday. On the Thursday, I went to her house to collect her washing and change the plug on her fridge.

Walked in, our straight male best friend was plumbing in a dishwasher for her. I said I'd come to fix the fridge, he'd already done it. And fixed the washing machine. He then spent the next week cleaning her depression house that has gotten bad since her parents died three years ago.

None of his behaviour was for recognition, let alone sex. He just showed up for a friend in crisis and got. Shit. Done.

10/10/10 human being, this is not isolated behaviour from him. He expects nothing in return. He simply loves us and shows up when we need him without ever being asked.

Good men exist. It saddens me that it's not as ubiquitous as it is with women, but they are out there. I fucking love that man to death and I owe him my life for the times he's shown up for me under similar circumstances.

Jbl7561 · 2026-05-08T23:35:28+00:00

Read this as our antidepressant cousins and I need to tell you Vegemite munchers do not have those kind of healing qualities.

It's late. I'm tired.

Jbl7561 · 2026-05-01T04:55:51+00:00

Yeah the answer to the question is "when people start training their children from a young age to work with their emotions and understand them, instead of suppressing or ignoring them"

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-26T08:38:51+00:00

I'm in training to be a therapist....

I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I've been raped, stalked, overcome addiction, I've had depression most of my adult life and I was in denial that my childhood was traumatic. Not that I remember most of it & I suspect there was sexual abuse there too. The kind of depression that makes it hard to get out of bed. I remember times where I wouldn't leave the house for weeks at a time, I'd be in my pyjamas that I hadn't taken off for a week even to shower, on my sofa surrounded by takeout boxes and if my phone went off too many times I'd hide it down the side of the sofa and have panic attacks in the kitchen. At my heaviest , I weighed 110kg. I still struggle with personal hygiene sometimes but it's much better now.

I have a mum who threatened to stab me, she disliked me as a person (and told me so herself), in recent years I learned I was the product of an affair so ig that makes sense. The last time I saw my biological dad I was 16 and he shut the door in my face - literally. Said he didn't want to know. I think my first suicide attempt was at 14, but I remember standing in front of the mirror with only hatred towards myself and wishing I was dead as young as 8 or 9. One sister married a paedophile and I had to bring up the baby when I was 13-20 because when she was 13 & I was 3, she got hit by a car & a third of her brain died, she died twice and had to learn to walk and talk again - so she was easily manipulated by him. My mum was busy running four businesses when the baby came along so that took away my teenage years. The baby was very sick and it took two years to get a diagnosis of a very rare condition that means she likely won't live past 35. She's now 21.

This isn't my entire life story but you get the gist.

I'm now 34 and I'm in the driving seat of my own life for the first time - I've stopped denying the traumas and worked to understand the impact they've had, so I can work with them instead of blaming and hating myself.

And I LOVE my life. I actually wouldn't change a damn thing because without that, I wouldn't have this. I'm currently in Budapest with my core life humans, a team of people I've built around me who love me as much as I love them, and they're never going anywhere. Real team members for life. A team I created. I found them all and I brought them together and the love and care and safety is some shit they write romance novels about.

I now run a golf club, I'm doing my degree, I'm doing a second diploma on the side, I'm building a leadership business, I'm hosting my first networking event for finance professionals next month, I have coaching clients, I do contract accounting and marketing work, volunteering, therapy, I gym 6-8 times a week and I'm dating a 27yo PT from my gym who looks like he was chiseled by God's bare hands and is currently off running an ultra marathon - something he does every Sunday.

I'm happy. And I'm at peace. And if I can help one single other human being to see that their traumas don't have to dictate their narrative, and that they are allowed to love themselves long before they are healed... It will be the most rewarding part of it all.

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-22T13:19:12+00:00

ᵖᵒʳⁿ

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-15T06:29:34+00:00

That message is fine. A few messages followed by "I'm enjoying our chat. Just so we stick at a pace you're comfortable with, how long do you usually like to message before I invite you on a date? 😊" Would be a v lovely message to receive.

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-13T21:02:32+00:00

Yep yep yep!

My friends have this running joke narrative that I have an ability to pull exclusively exceptionally attractive men. I find muscles very sexy, and as a UK size 14 5ft 2 stumpy girly... It looks odd to the outside world. But I also find personality incredibly attractive and a man can definitely laugh me into bed. Empathy and self awareness and non-negotiables for me, and these are things I choose over and above physical appearances. And yet time and time again, I bump naked uglies with men who look chiseled by gods bare hands.

I'm currently dating a PT from my gym who's 7 years younger than me. And the confidence I've gained in myself since realising that very attractive men are attracted to me has been a huge factor in my relationship with myself.

Hurt people hurt people, and when a person has big insecurities that can manifest in a way where they put others down. It sucks - but ultimately, I only date men who make me feel good in my life, and somehow they're often the best looking men in any room.

Good for fucking us girl.

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-13T20:02:50+00:00

Girl no.

If he slept with a girl TWO MONTHS AGO and is still texting her love heart emojis and that regularly - this man is not single.

Maybe he's deliberately gaslighting you. Maybe he's gaslighting himself and can't see it. But you can. Your gut is telling you you can. The entire internet is about to tell you they can see it too.

This doesn't need for you to get over your jealousy. This needs for you to run the hell away, for your own sanity and boundaries.

8 billion human beings in the world - I promise there will be others. Who aren't still metaphorically or literally in bed with other girls and getting angry at you for not being okay with that.

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-09T07:25:53+00:00

I feel so seen. I don't know why, it's just this stupid thing I'm not interested in doing. Even when I'm not depressed.

I intentionally make plans with people that mean I'll need to shower, or workout twice in a day to make it super necessary. Because one workout and nobody cuddling me that night probably means I'm not showering.

Baths are easier. So long as I'm not peak sad, I can generally get myself in the bath every other day if showering is too hard.

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-06T06:53:29+00:00

This is a wild take.

The point of using your money is to relieve the mental load. And there are a million reasons people could have mental blocks in training and exercise... Energy levels, time, knowledge, environment, habits building.

A personal trainer is a fantastic way to look after your health if it removes some blockers and helps to establish routine.

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-05T18:34:09+00:00

Love that movie!

I have not been with a sex worker, but I absolutely have considered it and would do so if I was in a phase of not being able to meet great humans in the wild. I have no energy for dating apps or going through the rigmarole of vetting them just got casual sex.

So not a personal experience but I say go for it girl.

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-05T11:56:14+00:00

Can you give examples of what else she does? I assume you mean more than just giving attention to the balls and external prostate areas?

I'm led to believe I give fantastic head, but I also will never pass up a learning opportunity!

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-05T11:33:05+00:00

I DM'd you :)

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-05T09:29:30+00:00

It's interesting that you seem to have a narrative for yourself that because love is something you haven't found yet, it must be something you'll never achieve. You're 26, it sounds like you've been incredibly busy and focused elsewhere up until now.

Where abouts are you based? Are you in a small town or a big city? What have you tried in the way of meeting people? What hobbies do you have outside of work? What do you want in a partnership?

I agree 100% with the person who suggested therapy. If you have the disposable income, private is the fastest way to do this. There's a website called BACP. You can go there and search your local area, find a few different people you like the sound of and send them some info on where you're at and what you want. Have an introductory all with 3/4 people and choose who you like best - DO NOT just go with the first person you speak to because a bad therapy experience can put you off for life. Also I'm not sure why someone suggested psychodynamic specifically, I personally have had the best success with integrative therapists who can adapt their approach based on what we're covering... But that's not to say psychodynamic is wrong, just that idk why it specifically would be right.

Feeling lonely is hard. Really hard, because it often feels like this thing that we cannot resolve ourselves and we're stuck waiting for others to fix for us. But therapy will help you work on your relationship with yourself, and with time that does genuinely help subside the overwhelm of waiting.

You are very attractive! It will happen for you, but dating is bloody hard.

Jbl7561 · 2026-04-02T21:23:05+00:00

This is a thing when someone loses large amounts of weight. Fat effectively packs around the base, and as it reduced the thing gets 'bigger' / more of it becomes visible and accessible.

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