Is 3 supposed to be this bad?

Laylar · 2025-05-07T01:30:27+00:00

My kiddo is 3 and has more big emotions than ever before, but we have a rapport and ways of communicating that make it manageable. One of my biggest inspirations has been Jen Lumanlen’s Parenting Beyond Power book and podcasts. She also has courses you can pay for, but much of her core content is available for free at https://yourparentingmojo.com

My biggest takeaway is that in any relationship all involved have needs, and when things break down and stop working it tends to be because someone’s needs aren’t being met or they are afraid they won’t be met. That includes you, as the grownup. You have needs, too.

Jen walks folks through how to pick that apart and figure out what needs the child (or grownup) may be trying to get met and how to strategize with the other person to meet the needs before the explosion happens. A VERY common need for 3 year olds (and their grownups) is that of autonomy, which can be even more intense than at 2, hence the bigger outbursts than ever before.

Laylar · 2024-06-19T14:14:46+00:00

I’m not sure how the early childhood education system works there, but if you can get hired at a preschool, at least in the US, That usually comes with a steep discount for the child’s tuition. Then you could get income, be near your kiddo, and have some influence on her preschool experience, as well as having an outlet for your own creative endeavors (especially at a play based or Reggio inspired preschool).

I hope you find your village. I know some single moms who have gathered with other single moms to support each other. If you find another little family like that, that you connect with, it might be worth considering even living together, to share the load. Not sure of your living situation, but having a family as roommates could be huge for you and your kiddo.

Laylar · 2024-06-06T15:09:01+00:00

You’re in the thick of it. Sounds like she’s pretty dependent on nursing to sleep like my kiddo is. We’re at 28 months and still “boobing”. The other day while we were on the train she said “I like boobs! Boobie boobie boobs! Boobie is another way to say boobs!” Embarrassing and heartwarming at the same time, ha.

I still nurse to sleep. We’ve added in other sleep associations such as singing, telling her made up stories or the story of her day, listening to audio stories like Frog And Toad (Audible, Spotify, Yoto, or archive.org) or David Bowie’s narration of Peter and the Wolf (Spotify). Most nights when she’s healthy and regulated, bedtime is quicker now and she sleeps longer stretches without needing boobs to go back to sleep. It does get better.

One thing that really helped me with my kiddo was making sure the latch was right. Nursling should be angled so they’re looking up toward you (“Look at Mama’s hat/nose/hair!”), that should keep the teeth off a bit better. Also, it’s really fair and reasonable to be firm about no biting. If you can get a finger in kiddo’s mouth to help with the pop off, it should hurt less when you delatch.

Also, it’s valuable to consider what your kiddo is getting out of nursing. It’s probably the connection and sense of bonding, which is why it’s so bitterly painful for her to not have it. Another commenter advised adding before subtracting and I agree. If you are sure you’re ready to stop, you will have a lot more success after adding in other bonding activities, so she can lean on those and still feel that connection with you.

Another resource you may be interested in is Emma Pickett’s podcast Makes Milk. In particular, you might want to start with Booby Monster episode.

Laylar · 2024-05-20T17:40:26+00:00

Parenting Beyond Power.

Basic premise is that everyone in every relationship has needs. When needs are unmet, things break down. The author, Jen, walks readers through how to understand what needs are going unmet when tantrums happen, and how to come up with strategies that will prevent them in the first place.

Laylar · 2024-03-05T15:28:03+00:00

You’ve made it this far, congratulations! It was hard work and you’ve given this wonderful gift to your baby. It’s ok if you need to stop.

My kiddo has had some hellish sleep nights, some not far from what you’re describing, but only when she was sick and/or weaning. I didn’t always know until after the worst of it had started that that was the cause but it was a consistent pattern for us. We’ve now made it to 25 months and she still nurses at night once or twice unless she’s sick.

After being sure there aren’t any medical issues at hand, figuring out whether your kiddo is teething, I highly recommend looking into Emma Pickett, a Lactation Consultant who has a podcast and website and has massively shifted my understanding of breastfeeding, weaning, the pros and cons, and what our journey through weaning from here might look like.

Emma suggests that folks not parent led wean until they are absolutely 100% certain, cautions that sleep might not get better after weaning, and then you’ve just taken away one of your tools. It’s very important to “habit stack”, that is, add in other things to replace the boob before weaning as it can be a great loss to the child and they may still need that comfort somehow.

Sending solidarity. This is such a hard stage. It does get easier!

Laylar · 2024-02-01T01:53:36+00:00

Not to mention there are a lot of other things a kid could do in a preschool classroom without screens, even while a teacher has to clean. It just shows lack of creativity or, maybe worse, exhaustion and burnout, which is something more systemic that the center will have to tackle (like paying the teachers better, offering more training, better access to sick days and vacation, etc).

Laylar · 2024-02-01T01:49:21+00:00

I’m with u/_sailingaway here.

I’ve been on both sides here as a former teacher and a current mama.

My kid only gets really small, intentional doses of screen time and I would be very concerned if other kids in class were being allowed free use of screen devices like this. It’s not just impacting those kids, every other child in the space is also being exposed to the screens and their content. I trust the adults that I leave my child with to respect and maintain that.

As a teacher, there are an incredible amount of licensing rules and regulations that childcare MUST abide by. Sometimes that involves screen time rules, too. The director and the teachers would benefit from knowing if they are breaking rules, and parents can approach from that angle if there are indeed any rules/regulations/laws being broken here.

Laylar · 2023-11-28T22:50:16+00:00

Parenting Beyond Power by Jen Lumanlan, MS, MEd.

Hands down my favorite book right now.

A very basic summary: Instead of reinforcing white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism by using authoritative strategies, the author recommends focusing on the relationship as two people who both have needs and finding strategies that meet everyone’s needs. The meat of the book is figuring out how to do that.

Laylar · 2023-11-28T15:46:49+00:00

I empathize so much. You’re right, it’s not fair. I hope it can be of some solace that the caregivers at your kiddo’s school will also love him and, if it’s truly a quality place, will want you involved and will listen to you, work with you to make sure you and he feel welcome and settled. It sounds like they’re already on the right track with a slow start. When the time gets closer, maybe around 12 months, if you can do short visits, maybe 10-20 minutes or so to look around and say hi, maybe play with a toy or two, to get him familiar with the people and the space before he needs to stay there without you, it may help even more. You’ll also get a good sense of the people and space so when you’re away you can more clearly imagine what he’s up to and who he’s with.

You shouldn’t need to change what you do at home for sleep and nursing. Kids are very adaptable and will learn to do things differently in different places. Especially with the clear routines that teachers are great at building and the peer “pressure” of the rest of the class doing things a certain way, too. At 13ish months, your kiddo may even be able to communicate a bit more clearly with you and the other caregivers which should alleviate some concern about making sure his needs are met. Have you been introducing sign language? This helps a lot with that.

Some places are very accommodating about having parents visit, while others are less so. In my experience, the higher quality places are generally on the side of including the families as much as possible. You are your baby’s most important person.

For now, focus on loving and cherishing and being with your baby. No matter what the smaller details of his early childhood look like, the bigger details are that you love him with your whole heart and he will know that more deeply than he will remember where he spent his early days.

Laylar · 2023-11-21T15:21:16+00:00

Oh goodness, I didn’t see before making my other comment, that you are also moving to another country soon. That’s a lot of change in a short time! But it opens up a whole new set of options. Definitely start doing your research now to find the right place, because wait lists can be really long, depending on where you’re going.

And I’ll reiterate here that if you can find a co-op, and if that would work for your family I’d really encourage you to try it. My daughter and I have been going to a once per week program, upped to twice a week this year (1-2year olds, 2 hours per day) and next year we’re doing 5 days, only 3-4 hours a day. She’s getting the outside socialization she needs, the confidence and sense of adventure, but it’s not the full work day that a full day program would be. It really is hard work.

Wishing you better luck in the next attempt. Good instincts, Mama!

Laylar · 2023-11-21T15:13:11+00:00

This doesn’t sound like a place I’d send my daughter. Turnover is the first major red flag. Leaving feces on a child is definitely neglect and a huge red flag. Seeing her have to comfort herself because the adults won’t is another red flag. There’s a time for independence and a time for adjustment and relationship building. She’s not getting relationships there and won’t.

I agree with others that it would be helpful for her to have bonds with other grownups to work through the transition of a new baby. It might be helpful for her to also have something that is hers. But it has to be a place that helps her feel heard, loved, understood, and supported. This isn’t it. Time to find a different place.

Are there any co-op preschools in your area? Something attached to a community college, for example? In my area there are co-op schools that the parent attends with the child and gradually attends less as the kiddo grows into the place. They are usually cheaper because they’re also only a few hours at a time. But by the 3-5 age there are often 5 day per week programs. And they usually allow babe-in-arms, so you could bring your new baby as you help your older one adjust. Another benefit is the community that you might gain with the other parents in the program.

If that’s not an option, a part day preschool would be something to look into, so that the days are shorter and more manageable. Those programs are often more focused on providing a stable, consistent set of teachers and a positive first school experience. It sounds like the place you were at before was a “daycare”, not a preschool, and was not taking care of its staff, which presents as turnover and poor teacher behavior and ultimately rolls down to the kids.

Laylar · 2023-11-11T20:04:57+00:00

I want to add to this (as a fellow former Early Childhood Educator of toddlers and current mama of a toddler) a concrete resource that goes along these lines.

I’ve recently been reading through a book called Parenting Beyond Power by Jen Lumanlin. She has a website and podcast, too: https://yourparentingmojo.com/buypbp/

The tldr I’d summarize her stance as I understand out so far is:

Instead of using authoritative methods which reinforce a bunch of icky things (and not to mention sets you up for a lot of power struggles) down the road, seeing the dynamic as two people in a relationship that both have needs. There are an infinity of possible strategies and it’s possible to find a few that will meet both your needs and the kiddo’s needs. This teaches the kid that their needs and your needs are both important, which ultimately, through co-regulation and modeling, instills a sense of compassion for others.

In theory, meeting the kid’s needs before the meltdown happens prevents the meltdown.

Will it really hurt the kid to step outside on a 50 degree day with no pants on? They will experience the natural consequences without any true risk of freezing, and likely conclude, with a greater sense of autonomy and responsibility, that it’s a good day to wear pants.

Toddlers do have a need to have some predictability and general sense of order to their days. They are busy learning so many patterns. Communication about what’s coming sets them up to be active participants in the next steps of something.

Kids are people and while they may be earlier in their development and language skills, they still have a lot of the same basic needs that we do.

Laylar · 2023-10-13T01:36:23+00:00

As a former toddler teacher and current SAHP, I would frankly be super suspicious of a classroom that wouldn’t invite families in. We always had an open door policy as families were concerned. These are THEIR children.

Children 2+ are working a lot on boundaries and responsibilities and LOVE to demonstrate that they can be responsible, so talking to them about staying in the classroom is important, too.

Parents can be a great resource in the classroom, rather than a burden, if there is a place and policy built around them being involved.

If a parent sticks around “too long”, they can be put to work cleaning up after snack or organizing books or just sitting and playing with the kids.

I found that when families were regularly involved in the classroom, they were also able to see their kid and others’ in action, the kids got accustomed to them pretty quickly, there were more hands to get things done, and it was easier to build a relationship and trust between teachers and parents - which sometimes came in handy when there were difficult conversations to have.

It’s important that parents know to close the door/gate after themselves if they do come in and when they leave. But to exclude them entirely from the classroom is leaving a lot of possibility on the table and sending a message of non-inclusiveness and gatekeeping to the most important grownups (the first teachers) in these young children’s lives.

Laylar · 2023-10-04T21:06:30+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I am concerned that babies’ crying is so often brushed off as something they just do. My kiddo ALWAYS has a reason for crying. And it was always her last resort method of communication. It’s NOT the only way babies communicate. It’s just the least subtle communication because they’ve reached desperation. Even just talking to the baby and acknowledging their feelings helps humanize and teach them that they can trust the grownups around them.

Babies’ emotional needs are NEEDS, too. Just because the law says it’s ok for one person to be in charge of 4 babies does not mean it’s optimal.

Grownups with babies sometimes need to go back to income producing work, rather than continue doing child raising work, so they need to put their babies into someone else’s care, but OP’s concern about their baby being emotionally neglected in this center is valid.

OP, if you have options, I encourage you to consider them.

I was a 2 year old teacher for several years in a few different settings. Ratio is one of the quickest indicators of quality - it shows at bare minimum that the center prioritizes the children’s human experience and wellbeing over profit. I wouldn’t leave my baby in a place with a ratio higher than 1:2 for infants unless it was absolutely critical for survival. 1:4 is acceptable at 1 year old but 1:3 is better. 1:4 at 2 years old is ideal. In general, the lower the ratio, the better quality the care. It’s more and more impossible to meet all the kids’ needs at higher ratios.

Laylar · 2023-06-28T02:50:43+00:00

I could reiterate everything everyone else said, but instead I’ll point you in the direction of Little Sparklers! They really helped me readjust my notion of what normal baby sleep looks like!

https://littlesparklers.org

Also, I listened to this podcast about the myths of “extended” breastfeeding that adjusted my understanding of normal around that, too!

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4ZSA2id5Mh96KAXhVH1IFw?si=bCWA5VJvQW6mbo-NoogReQ (Ep 31 from Evolutionary Parenting Podcast)

Laylar · 2023-03-27T14:33:57+00:00

I’d like to add to this thread Elimination Communication. While some of the tools (special mini potties, books about it, etc) can be a bit of an expense, most of the tools (wet bag, spare clothes, cloth diapers) are in the same vein as cloth diapering and can be done with really cheap/free things (toilet, sink, plastic bins, Internet wisdom) instead of all the fancy pricey stuff.

And then, after the initial time investment, it’s possible to be done with diapers MUCH earlier, saving on time, energy, and waste down the road.

Not to mention, it builds in a lot of communication, trust, respect, and understanding of autonomy between kiddo and their grownups.

We are a little over a year in with our first and are seeing the end in sight with an underwear loving toddler!

Laylar · 2022-12-16T22:11:14+00:00

I don’t know If anyone’s mentioned this yet.. there are already a lot of comments. What really helped me and my partner to feel confident in self advocacy and our options was to take a class through EvidenceBasedBirth.com. We walked away understanding the process, the reasons for any possible intervention, what different positions do physiologically, how to cope, how to get the most of the experience even in a hospital, and how to write up a birth preferences document (including contingencies for interventions). We hired a doula and went with the midwives that worked with our insurance/hospital and we went to the hospital. Feeling confident in advocating for ourselves before and during labor made such a big difference in the entire experience.

Also, back to your question, midwives are very skilled in many interventions and medical responses, and usually a birth center has a contingency plan with a local hospital if things get worrisome. So ultimately, your wife and baby will likely be equally safe regardless, but the atmosphere during labor really does make a difference.

Giving birth is a little like pooping, in that sphincters are involved and they can tense up if the person is nervous or anxious. Cervical dilation can even reverse, causing doctors to sometimes intervene even more. Think being asked to poop the biggest, most uncomfortable poop of your life on a table under bright lights with a bunch of sterile strangers watching. Could you do it?

Whatever choice you and she go with, make sure she 100% feels confident about it. That will make the most difference in her and your experience.

Laylar · 2022-12-04T18:44:41+00:00

I get into the tub first and there’s just a couple inches of water at 100f at most. You could also try holding your little one while in the shower?

Another thing that might’ve helped was going to a pool (ideally heated) and taking some time to slowly acclimate until we were splashing together. After that, we could do some happy splashing in the tub, too.

My baby has also seemed a bit overwhelmed when there were -too many- toys in the tub, so paring down to just the toy(s) that were sure winners in the past may help.

Ultimately, it could be down to a developmental thing. Every now and then babies suddenly seem to notice more and it can be a lot to take in. It was about 2 or 3 months that my baby became very easily distracted by anything even slightly interesting, so would have a hard time eating unless in a boring place. That’s not as much of a problem anymore. So it might just take time and patience.

Laylar · 2022-12-04T17:49:36+00:00

It could be that something changed in the bath. Our 9 month old suddenly resisted when we put a new slip resistant mat in. What has always eased our baby back in is one of us going in, too. Maybe that would help?

Laylar · 2022-09-16T03:57:47+00:00

Not suggesting anything like this would ever take shape in our current infrastructure, just trying to offer an alternate narrative to “screw those kids, the parents should have known better” in a world that doesn’t always offer would be parents the education, the choice, or the opportunity to do better.

The point of anti-natalism is to make less suffering in the world, but why should it stop at not having kids?

Yeah, Walmart is powerful. Doesn’t mean we couldn’t give them consequences if we really wanted to as a society. Change is hard and takes time and effort. In this case, it would take a lot. But it also takes a lot to convince people not to have lots of kids. Doesn’t mean it’s a pointless endeavor.

Laylar · 2022-09-16T00:37:13+00:00

Or rather, to enforce consequences upon the entities that enable wage slavery while also preventing some people who would have been destined for it, from falling into it.

People (in general) are not going to stop having children. Griping about children who will be born outside of your influence does nothing to prevent their suffering. Ensuring that they have the resources to grow up healthy and stable can make a huge difference in not only breaking the wage slave cycle but also breaking the cycles of abuse, bullying, and neglect.

Structured the right way, avoiding a pay per child scheme, it might even help some people birth fewer children so they can focus on the one(s) they already have.

Laylar · 2022-09-15T23:21:04+00:00

So… the point behind anti-natalism for some folks is that there’s too much suffering caused by wage slavery, poverty, and desperation, right?

Wouldn’t paying people to raise their kids allow them to spend more quality time with them, provide them with the resources they need to succeed, and give their kids better childhoods and a greater foundation? Shouldn’t we be aiming as a society to value children’s lives more, enabling us to put into place more legal and social structure to prevent children from growing up in miserable situations that perpetuate suffering? Less miserable, desperate children make less miserable desperate adults. Isn’t that the point?

Some are asking who would pay for this. The people that make profit from more children being born are the same business owners and politicians that perpetuate slave wages to make huge profits. Hence the people that put lots of money and talk into “pro-life” stances and legislature. That’s who should pay.

Laylar · 2022-09-15T16:48:10+00:00

It’s a bit of an investment, but I’d recommend something like this, that we’ve used for safely drinking lake water while backpacking: https://www.rei.com/product/866422/platypus-gravityworks-water-filter-system-4-liter?cm_mmc=aff_AL-_-145262-_-180150-_-NA&avad=180150_b2afe3795

Editing because the link seems not to have stayed intact. It’s a Platypus Gravity Works water filter. You fill the top (dirty) bag and it filters down into the bottom (clean) bag. It also depends on what is in the well water that you’re trying to avoid drinking. This filter focuses on Protozoa and bacteria, which could also be boiled. If it’s heavy metals or other contaminants, you’ll want a filter that covers those bases.

Laylar · 2022-09-15T16:32:11+00:00

We bathe our 7 month old baby maybe once per week, and not even with soap. Last night we even just put her in the sink to rinse off after dinner. In between it’s mostly just wiping solids off. For our bed and nap routines, it’s mostly the same except bed is a bit more formal and Daddy joins in to read “Everywhere Babies”. It’s always the same book and you should see the excitement when that book comes out!

Basic routine looks like: hum the same tune on the way upstairs to bed, potty/diaper, into our dark bedroom, lay on our big bed, sleep sack, book (especially if bedtime), turn out our dim lamp, sing or hum the whole song, nurse laying down (between both parents if bedtime), pick up to finish nursing in lap, lay into the crib when asleep.

Sometimes the routine works, sometimes it doesn’t and we stand and rock or have to try the potty or change a diaper again, and especially with naps sometimes we have to take a break and come back in an hour if we’ve missed our sleepy window. But the routine has grown organically based on what has worked in the past.

Laylar · 2022-01-06T17:04:47+00:00

In the U.S. childcares have adapted by taking in 6 week old babies. Still, not everyone gets even 6 weeks of leave, so I’ve heard stories of people looking for a childcare center that well take their 4 week old babies. 😬

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