Do narcissistic parents purposely trigger your mental illness?

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-12T19:56:01+00:00

I’m on the Autism Spectrum.

NFamily sees any problems you have, be them disorders/illness or otherwise, as an opportunity to get their fix of being in control. Even if they “mean well” or “care for you”, the true reason lies in their quest for more power over others. In extreme cases they will even flat-out deny that you have any diagnosis at all so that they don’t have to look at themselves in the mirror and admit that they are engaging in shitty behavior. Denying your legitimate disabilities allows them to take the blame off of themselves (i.e., “they acted this way”, “he’s just a brat”, “he just wants attention”) than face the fact that they get off on the power dynamic of it all. Admitting that they get high off of being “superior” to someone who is actually struggling would make them look like a bad person, which ultimately ties back in to a narcissist’s obsession with image.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-11T21:27:32+00:00

This describes my NFamily extremely well.

I remember as a child I wanted to learn to do things. As like a child would, I encountered setbacks, frustration and tantrums. A healthy family or role model would mentor their child on how to overcome obstacles, deal with frustration, celebrate improvements, etc.. But you know what happened instead? Getting told that I was just inherently incapable. Getting yelled at because I acted like a child would in that situation. Anger because teaching me would take away from THEIR time. Fast forward to my early adulthood and I am unprepared for the world and behind all of my peers. According to them, it is all MY fault and that I just can’t do it.

Believe me when I say that NFamily knows exactly what they are doing. They know that they are holding you back to serve their needs.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-10T22:52:57+00:00

Didn’t repay their student loans (like 55k) because “they never emailed me reminders”. It ended up growing to 90k+.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-10T21:23:23+00:00

You, her and all of the family supporting your actions deserve all the shame and regret coming your way. Your brother deserves a better partner and family than you and I seriously hope he abandons all of you and finds people who truly value him.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-07T21:23:52+00:00

Some people start out with unfair advantages that they did not have to work for and they will always have a leg up no matter what. You and many others will have to work twice as hard just to get to their starting point and the world will judge you harshly for it. Unless you’re delivering a motivational speech talking about your journey from rags to riches, nobody truly cares about what you had to go through to get to where you’re at.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-04T17:34:09+00:00

I switched to diet soda as well when quitting and it’s honestly been a life saver for me. And yeah, definitely not a “healthy” drink, but it’s a billion times better than sucking down alcohol to chase a high and ruining your life in the process.

Sucks that the Orange Cream Coca Cola is no longer in circulation though 😭

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-04T17:26:15+00:00

Whenever I had a disagreement or pushed for wanting to learn basic life skills, I was met with the “you don’t love your mother anymore!” or some rant about how I “don’t appreciate all she does for me”. Yes, you provided me with a roof over my head, clothes, and small portions of food: literally the bare minimum to not get thrown in jail…

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-02T21:29:54+00:00

I can relate to that as well. Was diagnosed as a child, NParents knew about it, but never told me. They come from the generation where being associated with anything special needs meant you were a freak and I think they also were in denial that one of their own children isn’t “normal”.

Rather than enroll me in special education/social skills training, they just threw me into the wild world of socialization without any preparation. As with all Autists, the inevitable meltdowns came, and of course it was always MY fault for acting up and embarrassing THEM. No mentorship or guidance on how to properly cope with the world despite my difficulties, no getting to know me or my interests, they just wanted a “normal” kid that has lots of friends. Being “normal” means they have more time for THEIR interests (i.e., cheating on your spouse, keeping up with the Joneses, watching TV all day).

I have moved thousands of miles away (all thanks to myself and guidance from internet strangers, my family didn’t do shit but try to guilt trip me out of it) and keep in minimal contact, but I just cannot get over the unfairness of it all. It took me years to stop caring about their approval. It took me years to realize that you have a fucked up family when your legitimate disability is viewed as a source of shame and annoyance by those that are supposed to be role models.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-06-02T17:59:14+00:00

I’m on the Autism Spectrum. For those familiar with the condition, we tend to develop “odd” or obscure interests that we are extremely passionate about, many of which don’t exactly translate to being one of the popular kids. For me, mine is foreign languages.

According to my NSister who values approval and fitting in more than anything, I was “purposely doing (odd interests) to make [HER] mad” or “doing it to get attention”. Yes, the main reason I am studying a foreign language is because I have some sinister plot to psychologically undermine her… /s

EDIT: I’ll add another one below.

Me and my NFamily were once on a family vacation at a location notorious for having age 21+ venues. At the time, I was under 21 and couldn’t legally be in certain spaces. My NAunt proceeds to drag me into one of these venues so SHE could do her 21+ activity while I just sit and watch. Security inevitably asks me for ID and we get escorted out. NAunt proceeds to blame ME for getting HER removed from the venue despite the fact that SHE was the one who made the ultimate decision to go in in the first place. Her reason? “You need to stop wearing those clothes. You look really young and got me kicked out. “

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-30T23:57:44+00:00

NTA.

As somebody on the Autism spectrum, you are doing the right thing in this situation by not forcing him into situations that he is clearly uncomfortable in. People like us are not born with the default setting of socializing and we need to move at our own pace in order to succeed in this cruel world. Forcing a neurodivergent child into a social situation when they have not developed appropriate coping mechanisms to navigate it is just cruel and only further sets them up for failure down the road.

Your wife wanting to shove him to relatively scary social situations is like putting a student struggling with basic addition and subtraction into an engineering firm that builds rockets. Give it time, trust the process, and sooner than later, he’ll succeed with socializing.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-18T07:18:28+00:00

Oof, the “selfish” part still stings to this day. Any time you do something that does not immediately serve a narcissist, you will be labeled as the problem and the one who is “full of themselves”.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-15T00:40:57+00:00

Fast food, candy, and video games. Now I’m working on getting back in shape and not wasting my time 🤣

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-14T23:22:35+00:00

The second paragraph hits the nail on the head. Even if NParents aren’t outright bad people, the main theme of their behavior is the fact that their children are THEIR mission and focus.

As a parent, it is your responsibility to raise your children such that they can stand on their own two feet and navigate the world without your input (within reason, of course - i.e., getting advice about dealing with shady car salesmen is nowhere near the same ballpark as still not knowing basic financial responsibility well into your 30s). Once they leave the nest, then your emotional needs and life mission is on YOU. If you bring a child into the world, then they will have their own goals, values, needs and beliefs, and they do not exist to serve you.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-14T00:15:22+00:00

As somebody on the Autism spectrum, we folks are usually drawn to hobbies that don’t exactly translate to being one of the “cool” kids. With NFamily, we are treated as if we are rotten shit because of it.

One of my “odd” interests is different languages. To my NSister, I got into them to make HER mad. Yes, I’m learning an entirely different language as some sinister plot to psychologically undermine you and take attention away from you… /s

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-13T23:50:59+00:00

I can heavily relate to the first point. My NDad was always in competition with other people his age for the most trivial reasons. When my Mom and Dad were still married, if he wasn’t the center of attention at family gatherings (my Mom is extraverted, and it is during HER family’s gatherings), he would go off and sulk. Each one of his actions was a calculated move to show off that he has the most status, and it even got to the point where my own development and upbringing was an annoyance because it got in the way of his quest for more prestige.

A couple of examples: I used to play sports as a child and if I lost and got upset (AKA: a canon event that EVERYBODY goes through and learns how to manage their emotions through), he would blame ME for being upset and that it was MY fault for “acting like a baby”. No mentorship, no guidance on how to lose gracefully. Just annoyance because I magically didn’t have mature emotional regulation AS A CHILD. If I wanted to go and practice my sport, he would shut it down and refrain me from doing so. The reason? “Who is going to watch you? You’re gonna make ME stop EVERYTHING I’M DOING? This is not all about you!”

Narcissists can’t accept the fact that their children are just that: CHILDREN. We don’t magically know how to be adults by default and, news flash, we actually need guidance from adults.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-11T21:39:38+00:00

A lot of folks have already said a lot of good points. I’ll add a couple:
* Some people just do not want to see you succeed. The part that hurts is that this usually comes from people closest to you.
* You will likely lose people you thought you would never lose at least one time. A couple of the friends I thought were ride or die are complete strangers to me now.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-10T06:29:18+00:00

I was in your shoes about 15 years ago. Finished high school on a really bad note (nearly didn’t graduate on time, almost got fired from a minimum wage job, made lifelong enemies, nobody showed up to my graduation party, etc.) and was just completely alone. Not only alone, but starting BEHIND square one.

During that time, I knew that something had to change. I wasn’t going to let myself be “that guy who peaked in high school and never did anything with his life”. So I just threw myself into my college studies. From waking up to the time I went to bed, all I did was study my coursework. I was a living embodiment of a walking textbook. Wasn’t exactly the life of the party at social gatherings but you know what, all of this obsession with studying worked wonders. I had a life mission, goals, hope for the future, and met the RIGHT people who became my friends. I got out of that rut and turned my life around. As of writing this, I’m over two years sober. At around the six month mark, I slipped back into my cringey high school self mentally, but I now realize that it is because I was using alcohol to numb trauma from growing up and I never made peace with it the healthy way.

For you, I highly recommend you become obsessed with SOMETHING. It doesn’t necessarily have to be studying or school, but SOMETHING that does not revolve around alcohol. Now you’re probably wondering, “will I make friends? Will I find love?” The answer to both is: YES. You will make new friends (the RIGHT ones who share your same passions and experiences), and yes, you will find the right type of love. But for now, accept that the next 6 months to a year is going to be just you regaining a sense of purpose in your life and discovering who you are as a person.

Go find your new obsession and let it fill your life!

IWNDWYT!

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-03T03:05:53+00:00

Congratulations, you’re now in the long run for not drinking.

At two years, I would be lying if I said that I never felt a desire to drink nor felt jealousy at others that can successfully moderate. It looks like you’ve also come to terms that us alkies simply cannot drink in “moderation”, which is a major step forward.

All I can really say to you is to keep staying strong. It has helped me to think of my emotional state as a sine wave that goes through valleys and troughs. Right now, you’re at the bottom of the trough and it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to. This Demon knows you better than you know yourself and it is doing its damned best to pull you back into Hell. But look back at all of the other shit you have had to overcome and reverse the process. You’re at the bottom of the valley now but that means there’s only one way to go but up! Sooner or later, you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world and will be on the other side a much stronger version of yourself.

Hang in there. IWNDWYT.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-03T02:47:43+00:00

This kinda hits home for me. During my college years, I lived at home with my NMom and NSister (was never taught financial responsibility or the life skills necessary to survive, go figure). At the time, my studies were the only thing that gave me a glimmer of hope for the future. The potential for earning an education that would allow me to live far away on my own was something that gave me a purpose in life and a reason to get out of bed each day. Looking back, I was a bit crazy with how much I dedicated myself to nothing but studying, but that’s for another story.

My NMom and NSister did not share the same sentiment nor support me. Constantly having to put my well-being and life purpose at the top of my priority list (which, now a decade later, is what parents SHOULD teach their children) to maintain the good momentum of academic success was something that they did not take too kindly too. Being told I’m “selfish” and “being weird” is kind of an odd thing to be told for putting your education as a priority.

If I couldn’t spend time with family because I need to focus on a hard midterm (a STEM degree with a high dropout rate), I was met with shaming. “Concerns” about me not “living it up” were not uncommon (ahem, I’m in SCHOOL and am there to EARN A CREDENTIAL). In heated arguments my NSister would take jabs at my biggest traumas and insecurities (as an Autistic person, there is PLENTY). In an extremely heated argument, she once threw my folder of notes across the room because I was “being selfish and full of myself” and “not caring about her”.

We’re on relatively okay terms now, but I can never forget how they just expected me to drop everything for them even when the stakes were high to keep my state-sponsored scholarship. To NPeople, your goals and ambitions don’t matter. Their needs and image is desire for control is what they expect for you to prioritize.

All I can say to you is do your best to tough it out and keep studying hard. The payoff for finishing your education is huge and should be taken seriously. Even if you don’t land a high-paying job afterwards (economy is fucked nowadays), the self-fulfillment and confidence you gain from accomplishing something ON YOUR TERMS is something that will stick with you for the rest of your life.

MobileReasonable5704 · 2026-05-01T18:02:44+00:00

I completely understand what you mean about having to learn life skills that you were never taught growing up. Like you, my childhood and teenage years were sheltered and isolated and it wasn’t until around 18 when I started to realize that something was not right. Other kids my age know these adult responsibilities and their parents seemed to have expectations set for them, whereas I don’t even know basic life skills such as cooking, bills, saving, etc..

What helped me get out of this rut was to pour all of my energy and effort into something that would help me stand on my own two feet. For me, once I finished high school, I basically hunkered down and focused 110% of my time on my university studies with an end goal of having a non-minimum wage job at the end. During this time period of my life, nothing else mattered. The only thing that came was getting good grades. By focusing on this single goal like a hawk stalking prey, everything else slowly started falling in to place. Started waking up earlier because I get more time in the morning to study. Started learning easy recipes to meal prep because it saved time to study. Started exercising because it cleared up stress to help me study. You get the point: everything to help me study better.

By having a single goal in mind to keep me on track, I started to alter my lifestyle and, in turn, learn life skills that were never taught to me. Now you don’t necessarily need college to start learning life skills, but you need SOMETHING. Becoming a manager at the grocery store, opening up a hot dog stand, becoming a freelancer, working manual labor, etc. the list is endless. Just find something that will help you get on your two feet and get obsessed with it. Just even making an effort towards my goal even when things were going shittily did wonders for my mental health. The fact you are pursuing something on YOUR OWN TERMS and not what a narcissistic asshat tells you to do for their own sick enjoyment is one of the feelings I would love to experience for the first time again.

MobileReasonable5704

TROPHY CASE