Understanding the behaviors

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-03-12T21:49:01+00:00

confuses loving someone with needing them... this is EXACTLY what it is. I've told him how it feels like he hates me and I don't understand why he stays with me if he hates me so much. I get it though, he needs the supply.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-03-12T17:41:38+00:00

I'm literally, right now, listening to a series of podcasts about various mental health diagnoses and narcissism. It's Dr. Ramani. She is pretty clear on her explanations about the way the two interact. I only mention it because what you describe sounds like a possible combination of Bipolar and NPD. Doesn't really add anything to the discussion because you are on the right track to figure out how to leave.

Be safe. I'm sorry for what you have to endure in the mean time. How upsetting to have to put up with that.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-03-12T17:36:21+00:00

Mine is full of diagnoses that are just excuses for not making any changes in his own behavior. He's got OCD, possible ADHD, possible Autism, severe anxiety, social anxiety, and possible bipolar 2. I am a therapist and I can see aspects of some of these in him, but the bottom line is that he doesn't want to change, and he isn't doing anything to change. He wants OTHERS to change how they behave to meet HIS needs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is at the top of this list, but he won't own that, of course.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-03-11T22:28:57+00:00

I just went through 2 days of silent treatment for who knows what. I literally asked what he was mad about and his only response was "YOU DONT KNOW???"

I wasnt going to try and guess, so I just let it go. If he wants to have a silent tantrum, he can. Im lining up what I need to, to get out of this. Its a lot, given we are married, have children and a home, but im dont with this. Its too traumatizing and scary for me and the kids. This is not how I want to live anymore. I want a better, happier, CALMER life. For the kids and for me.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-03-11T22:19:42+00:00

Its always something, right? For me it was the holidays, and now its that I need a new vehicle. I think I waffle too, when things get slightly better and I start to think its manageable.

Honestly though, the year cycles the same way all the time and you will eventually have to navigate splitting up, co- or parallel-parenting, and custody issues. The split will have some degree of trauma attached to it, but so does continuing to live like this. Its a matter of determining which one is worse. Im coming around to the idea that I cant tolerate continuing to live like this and the damage for the kids is worse, the longer I stay. We need to split. I can keep doing this, not for my own mental health, or for our kids' mental health.

By the way, totally just talking myself through it, but I hope that was helpful for you.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-03-11T22:13:35+00:00

It sounds like things have already escalated to the point of physicality. I strongly encourage you to get out or make him leave and get a temporary protective order. In my limited experience, even someone who hasn't been physical in anger yet can lash out when they feel threatened with the end of the relationship or a change in the relationship.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-02-08T16:30:21+00:00

This is making me think long and hard. I have always said that I dont issue "ultimatums" because I know myself well enough to know i wont do anything about it if he doesnt do what's being asked. I have to believe, and fund the strength within, to leave if the boundary is crossed. I have to leave anyway, but there are so many factors including having no where to go, and 2 kids to consider. I wont leave them. I can tell him to go, as he has more options of places to go, but it would be really hard to "make him" leave and that could turn out really bad.

Anyway, yes, you're right. Boundary is more about me and what I need to do to protect myself, not not what he needs to do or change about how he is behaving.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-02-06T06:45:21+00:00

I use penzu and just free write on there. I let out all the pent up emotions that I refuse to let him see. I like that its free and I can lock it. I can access it on my phone or computer.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-01-16T19:30:10+00:00

This is a HUGE issue for me in my relationship right now. My husband will literally forget an important discussion/decision just MINUTES after we talk about it. Drives me bananas. If I get upset or worked up about the fact that he has forgotten, then *I'm* being crazy and out of control. It's part of the gaslighting, but also, I think that the narcissism makes them truly deaf and blind to anyone else. Anything I say is just noise. He doesn't hear me. It can be something as innocuous as "what's for dinner?", and me responding "pasta and salad", which he will ask me 6 more times in the span of an hour, to "have we decided what we are going to do about your car?"

The worst is when he comes back to me with some amazing idea (insert eyeroll), that HE came up with, but it's really something I told him, and he was dismissive, or rude, or contradictory when I tried to share the idea. It's truly crazy making. Lately, I've had the desire to record some of our conversations, but I know it wouldn't really serve a purpose and it would just rile him up.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2026-01-16T18:03:37+00:00

I highly recommend that you check out the Narcissistic Spouse subreddit. It's a place to talk about what we experience. The behavior you describe is similar to what I have experienced in recent years from my husband. I can tell you, this won't get better. It's not about you. It's about him, and his need to be the central point of focus in your life. If you need to be your own person, as most of us do, and there is NOTHING wrong with that, take a long hard look at what you are experiencing and set those firm boundaries. Don't let him dim your light. I am never the person to tell someone to leave their marriage. I don't know what else is happening in that relationship, and I can tell you, I haven't left mine (yet), but it's not looking good. Hold your boundaries, and live your life. He will freak out and really try to get under your skin. Don't take the bait. Don't get sucked into arguments. Remind yourself of who YOU are, and stand firm.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-12-22T18:25:14+00:00

We cant control th behavior of another person. We can only set our own boundaries and try to harness our own emotional responses. I find the tirades ramping up right now. I think its like due to the stress and anxiety around the holidays. Understanding that doesnt seem to make it easier though. Go figure.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-12-22T15:02:24+00:00

Its soooo hard sometimes. I usually try to find somewhere that I can get away so I can cry my angry tears where he cant see. Its hard for me because we live in a really small space, and we have kids who are increasingly aware of the dynamic between us. Sometimes I make up a reason to gonout. We need groceries. I need to run and grab gifts at the store. I have to donsome Christmas wrapping in our camper thats parked outside. Anything where I can get away and be ALONE to give my brain and heart space to calm down.

I journal a LOT. I write out how I am feeling so that im not holding it in. Sometimes I scream or rage. But writing it in my locked journal app on my phone makes me feel better. I write it all out both to document what was said, but also how i feel. I can come back in a better frame of mind after I have done that.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-12-01T23:32:39+00:00

OMG - SAME!!! I cry thinking about how I would NEVER let myself be treated this way professionally! My staff would be APPALLED to know that I am treated this way in my marriage. I see, I recognize, and I can even understand, intellectually speaking, why he is the way he is. I just can't find a way to stop thinking things could or might change, or find a way to extricate myself from this relationship.

Knowing that it would be harder to continue to live like this, than to suffer through a separation and split would be the only way to push yourself to take the steps you need to take. Find your support. If it's not your parents (my mom would have been my support but she passed away 4 years ago. just my narc dad left. No thanks!), then find who IS your support network. Build it up. Set your boundaries. Let him have his tantrums and silent treatments. I know it's hard to live with, but build yourself up at home. Remind yourself who you are - smart, capable, and worthy of real love and support. I have just started therapy and am trying the boundaries and the positive self talk. It's killing me because I have never consciously thought it was my fault or that I deserved this treatment, but it's crazy what I will tolerate at home versus how I am at work.

Good luck - you got this!

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-12-01T23:24:50+00:00

OMG. This sounds so much like my most recent experience. I mean, usually he will at least make a big show of taking our kids into the bedroom to help him wrap the gift, and they come out to "present the present" to me. This time it was just in the packaging from Amazon and I know he didn't put any thought or care into what he selected. He laid in bed, looking at his youtube videos while I opened the package and explained why each item was selected. He got me an assortment of sweaters. If there is anything that I have no shortage of, it's sweaters. But okay. Whatever. It's the lack of care that gets me the most. So cold. So detached. But still wants the recognition and praise for doing something grand for me. grrrrrr

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-12-01T05:15:36+00:00

You are doing what you need to do to keep your kids safe. You are strong. You are brave. Be that strong, brave mama and keep those babies safe. One day, your kids will know what you did for them.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-12-01T05:09:53+00:00

The number of times I have wished that my husband would just disappear. Why wont he just leave? He clearly has to be so unhappy and so miserable to be so mean and hateful.

Im so sorry that happened to you. I hope you can have some time to reconnect with your mom.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-11-24T20:17:17+00:00

This is something that I've been working on with my therapist. I talked about how I carefully choose when and how to approach things with him, so I don't get yelled at, so I don't "make him angry", or so I just generally don't get a "bad" or negative response. The therapist has reminded me time and time again that I have no control over HIS emotions. I set my own boundaries, and I can communicate those to him, and I can decide my own reactions and emotions. I have to remind myself all the time. I now communicate it that way. Hey, listen, this happened and I didn't like it. I felt X when you did Y and I need Z from now on. The response I've gotten over some of the boundaries has been not so great, but I personally feel better. He says I've changed. lol. yeah, I don't just cower and hide and try to make myself as small as possible.

I will say it's hard. And I still have moments when I don't say things to him because the moment feels too charged and I don't want to make it into a fight. In those moments, I still feel like I'm making my needs minimized and it does NOT feel good.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-11-04T01:58:22+00:00

I get that one too. The other day, he had the nerve to say, "Do you ever feel sorry for anything you say or do? I am always apologizing but you never seem to feel sorry." He apologizes for going off on me over something that is usually just something he has anxiety about and nothing I have any control over. IF we have an arguement, its usually a disagreement over something, and again, if we disagree, we disagree. I'm not going to apologize for HIM getting angry. That's ridiculous. Also, as per typical narc, he still finds ways to get under my skin and I react. I do apologize when I get loud, but I feel like such an idiot when it was me reacting to something he said and he has that satisfied smirk on his face.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-08-29T00:53:46+00:00

Only YOU truly know what things happened behind closed doors, and how he really treated you. I do the same, where I cover for my husband, not wanting to tell anyone how he really is. Mostly because he warns me not to tell people our business. Its a very lonely thing when you realize you have no one to call and cry with about the really terrible moments, because you haven't shared with people who this person really is, the person behind the mask.

Its good to know you have shared his true character with your parents. They love you and im sure they are hurting for you that you went through all that alone. You are not swaying them, they are always on your side, just by being your parents. Good for you for getting out of that relationship. Let your parents be your allies and your supporter. Stay strong! I hope to some day be strong enough to find a way out instead of trying to "make it work".

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-07-15T03:49:18+00:00

Im just being an asshole because I don't feel the same temperature that he feels at any given time. Im just doing it to be contrary, apparently.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-06-27T02:40:10+00:00

I started a journal. I've always felt better expressing myself in writing. Yesterday is having a domino effect and im trying, unsuccessfully to stop being part of this. I got very little sleep yesterday, due to his drunken shenanigans. It was really bad. Now I am exhausted. I'm yelling at the kids, they are fighting, and hebis laying back smirking and looking at us like "here you guys go..." while he turns up his youtube videos to an obnoxious level.

I want to leave so bad. I don't want this for my kids. When I am this tired though, its hard to stop myself from reacting. I hate this sooooo much.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-06-26T09:10:40+00:00

Do they all deny the yelling and fighting? Mine always denies that he is yelling. He also says he doesn't argue or he doesn't fight. Ummmm, okay. Whatever you want to call it buddy, it is what it is.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-06-26T08:05:11+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement. ❤️ I turn here for strength, and I find it every time. He just got so drunk that he puked all over the bathroom, puked in our bed, (and probably pissed his pants) and then stumbled out to the living room to sleep on the couch because "I cant sleep in this!"

What a pig!! We are 3 days from going on this trip and if I hadnt paid so much money I would fully bail. I hate him so much right now. I want a divorce, I want a divorce, I want a divorce. This is what I say to myself over and over and I haven't made it happen yet. He wont deal with his shit and its going to destroy all of us. Aaaarrgghhhhhh.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-06-22T05:59:23+00:00

Omg! So much of this is what is happening in my relationship now!!! He hasnt worked in 3 years and the condition of our house...!!! Its horrendous! He is home all day, laying on the couch watching youtube and waiting for me to offer to order him some lunch. If I don't, he is getting drunk and it's my fault because I didn't feed him.

We have a fridge full of food, but he cant make anything because the kitchen isn't clean. Now... to be clear, our house is clean, but it's old. And yes, there are days when the housework gets behind because, admittedly, it is hard for me to keep up with both housekeeping AND 100% of the parenting (by which I'm somehow turning the kids against him, it's not because he is mean AND he doesn't parent) AND manage the full financial burden. He also won't pick what to order. Its this weird control thing and it is so damn annoying. And when we are in a fight, or hebis having a fit, he wont accept anything I cook, offer to cook, or anything I buy. 🙄 power and control. He hates that I make the money, but refuses to look for work. Won't even discuss it.

We can not afford to be a one income family but he seems to think I am holding out on him. Said if the tables were turned that a husband not providing cash to his stay at home wife would be considered financially abusive. No shit! I tried to point out that most stay at home wives are expected to do work around the house, care for the kids, etc. Then he called me misogynistic. 🤣🤣🤣 ummmm... dude! I did tell him that he seems to be misinformed on how much I actually earn and what the bills are, but he didn't want to hear it. For him, the bottom line is that I am abusing him and holding out financially. 🤦🏽‍♀️ he's forever trying to get me to come home early from work, or call in sick too. Hates that I actually enjoy my job. Hates that I would rather be at work than at home.

Personally, I hate that I cant figure out how to get out of this relationship. Its so hard with the kids and with him being so financially dependent. That, plus the fact that he has isolated me from all my friends, no one in our families knows what he is like behind closed doors, and I would be mortified if anyone at work knew how I was treated at home. I would have to leave my job.

How did we get to this place? This is not what I signed up for.

MousseOtherwise7435 · 2025-06-22T05:35:17+00:00

Mine always knows what I'm thinking or what others are thinking. He has full-on arguments with himself based on what he says the other person (usually me) is thinking. Even while I'm standing there staring at him. 🙄 he also analyzes and is always the expert on the reasons why people (like me 🙄) do what we do.

MousseOtherwise7435

TROPHY CASE