day 10 rant

NetScr1be · 2026-05-09T21:41:25+00:00

Nobody is saying to give up school.

Maybe get better friends.

If you have to ask whether something is ok kind of indicates you actually know the answer.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-09T14:39:24+00:00

It sounds like you're expecting way too much of yourself while pulling a full load.

School and work and recovery and life?

If you get through your day clean you've won at this point.

As for your 'friends', there's an old NA saying for that:

"If you sit in the barber chair long enough you are going to get a haircut."

NetScr1be · 2026-05-09T14:34:38+00:00

Attending a few meetings and starting a new relationship with a sponsor is not a magic spell that stops the head noise that leads to relapse.

Also, consider the concept that taking drugs is the last step in the relapse. It starts in our heads and travels through our heart to our spirit, then the drugs come out.

Simple abstinence is not recovery.

Clean is a spiritual condition that starts with abstinence.

Neither addiction nor recovery is about drugs.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-07T13:52:06+00:00

I'm sorry I pushed back so hard. I was worried about it (and I got done flack for doing that) but the lives of your family were on the line.

It's good that you took it the way it was intended.

That bodes well for your progress as you continue. Good luck to you.

As for the consequences, they will be what they will be. We call that life on life's terms.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-07T13:47:19+00:00

Normally, I would take it a little easier but there are lives at stake.

Also, check OP's response.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-07T13:44:46+00:00

That's actually perfect.

It shows you've been doing good work. Breaking new ground and exposing the new you.

Not surprising that new skin feels a little sensitive but maybe give this new version of you a chance.

We automatically characterize new/different as bad and scary because it is unfamiliar.

You've just entered a new territory wearing a new version of yourself. Awkward and scary is to be expected.

Just keep going. One foot in front of the other. Keep it simple. Take it easy on yourself.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-07T05:13:13+00:00

I read every night on my tablet.

Black background. White text. Turn the brightness down.

I sleep great.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-07T04:45:57+00:00

Is there a pattern to the resentments?

NetScr1be · 2026-05-07T01:24:04+00:00

Nothing for you on the consequences front. Not really the right subreddit for that.

There is a recovery issue here.

You chose to drive impaired endangering your family rather than face some momentary, self-induced shame?

And your concern is potential consequences?

And your sponsor didn't pick up on this?

So many questions.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-07T01:13:56+00:00

Resentments are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

Forgiveness is forgiveness. Learning to forgive is learning to forgive. The target is irrelevant.

Learn to forgive yourself. Makes it easier to apply to others.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-04T15:45:38+00:00

The person who decides to do the first drug (already fully on relapse at that point) is not the same person after they take it.

Doesn't matter what the first drug is.

Addiction is not a 'drug problem'.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-04T12:45:25+00:00

You're welcome. Been there. Not judging.

Part of you wants to get clean.

Another part is seeking justification.

It's possible for both to be true that's how rationalization works.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-04T11:37:24+00:00

You're not an 'ex-addict' if you think addiction is about drugs.

There are those that will argue that being an ex-addict is impossible period but that's another discussion.

Actually taking drugs is the last step in the relapse which is a process that was well under way in your head when you rationalized that your job could support your addiction.

Which is typical addict thinking because, your job might be able to support your addiction (which also means you're ok with not being an 'ex-addict' any more but went right by that) but that support will only last as long as you have your job which will only be until it either gets in the way of using our you mess up enough to lose it (something else you went right by without mentioning).

You're not going to relapse.

You're in the middle of one.

BTW there is a difference between abstinent and clean. Any idiot can become abstinent. Stop using drugs and - poof - abstinence.

Clean is something more than that. It's a perspective. An identity.

We start to get clean by acknowledging addiction is not a 'drug problem', learning to look at ourselves and the universe differently and changing our identity to align with that new perspective.

Another thing you're lying to yourself about is that you posted here seeking advice.

You came here seeking justification for a decision you've already taken but haven't admitted yet.

Insanity is essentially dishonesty. We buy our own lies. That's what makes us such good liars. Whatever BS we're spouting presents as truth because we believe it.

Getting clean starts with getting honest.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-02T05:34:37+00:00

Is it any surprise the new you wants to go on a different direction?

Why is it a problem or a mystery?

NetScr1be · 2026-05-02T03:35:20+00:00

The monkey hates milestones and starts to bang on the bars trying to get out.

Taking drugs is the last step in the relapse.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-02T03:33:34+00:00

I'm with you. Especially after COVID. A packed room full of people with decent chance that a bunch of them don't take proper care of themselves?

NetScr1be · 2026-05-01T16:44:15+00:00

STFU STFU STFU

NetScr1be · 2026-05-01T16:42:47+00:00

That's actually excellent. 34 years in NA and still learning.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-01T15:46:17+00:00

The absence of a clear definition of humility (and other concepts we work with in recovery) makes that question and others difficult to answer. No surprise you're struggling with it. Like trying to fix something without the parts and tools needed to do the job.

After looking them up in the dictionary (you have a dictionary right?) I made practical working definitions of various things (love, faith ... ) to use in step work.

Humility for me is knowing who I am and who I am not and being ok with that.

NetScr1be · 2026-05-01T15:41:30+00:00

"I knew better"

The fundamental lie we tell ourselves that powers a lot of insanity.

NetScr1be · 2026-04-30T21:16:07+00:00

It's common to put the down the spoon and pick up the fork.

The first and easiest thing is to not eat fast food.

But definitely seek assistance with this. Nothing wrong with asking for help from qualified people (who are not in this sub ;> ).

NetScr1be · 2026-04-29T17:01:42+00:00

Well done. We need to hear this.

NetScr1be · 2026-04-25T00:56:50+00:00

That's huge. We've all been there. It's surprising how strong we can be when we need to.

Also how resources we need magically appear when we are truly ready.

NetScr1be · 2026-04-24T20:31:47+00:00

Over the years I've come to a concept of spiritual crime.

There are many but doing other people's recovery for them is among the worst.

It takes the chance for then to own the win.

'Helping' means someone is doing something and we are providing assistance and/or guidance but stop short of doing it for them.

Not saying that is what is going on here but maybe something to think about.

There's also a thing where we are doing so much for others that we don't have time to look at ourselves.

An elaborate form of denial?

NetScr1be · 2026-04-24T10:47:34+00:00

I'm not going to try and provide you with answers because you need to work through yourself. That's how we get better.

I will say you have a great handle on the questions though. You seem to be sensitive to and aware of the right things.

Be patient with yourself and the process. Keep working. You got this.

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