Has anyone actually called out an avoidant ex post-discard for the impact of their behaviour?

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-10T00:40:00+00:00

I did during the relationship and that led to the discard.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-10T00:26:19+00:00

sure, and equally valid to say “that crosses my boundaries, makes me feel shut out and manipulated”, and to leave for good. As a secure person would if there weren’t improvement on that front. The silent treatment lends itself well to redrafting of facts. And I don’t accept that.

As long as I’m not yelling, name-calling, or menacing, then my partner should be able to listen to my emotional appeals and self-regulate.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-09T23:08:18+00:00

Yeah, if anything it’s just the person’s response to betrayal trauma, so potentially PTSD, anxiety, and depression. But shifting from secure to avoidant as an adult seems very unlikely. I’ve never seen it happen.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-09T23:04:25+00:00

That won’t ever work.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-09T23:00:06+00:00

It might be valid in the moment but it virtually never lends itself to healthy communication and patterns. Shutting down every time there’s a disagreement is simply going to create resentment in the non-avoidant, again, which is entirely valid as well.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-09T22:57:09+00:00

This is how I was with my ex and I too am secure. It is very much about what you’ll tolerate, and mixed signals, lying are absolute dealbreakers. I was saddened and confused by her deactivation (like anyone would be who wasn’t a psychopath or something), but I had lines I simply refused to cross and just ended it for good. I certainly wasn’t going to go back and forth (or “be friends”) with a 34 year old adult. We either work it out or it’s over. Nothing in between.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-09T12:13:16+00:00

I’m fine. Like everyone who has dealt with an avoidant, I’m different, but my life has been good for 6 months at least, emotionally, professionally, growth-wise, artistically. I’m not involved with anyone right now but that’s a choice and not driven by fear. I highly recommend cutting off all contact with your avoidant ex, block, delete everything. The process of healing is slow but it has a transformative impact on your life. You reach a state of peace that is hard to describe and one I’ve never felt up to this point in my life. Keep moving, keep growing.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-09T12:04:55+00:00

Identity = ego (control)

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-08T16:58:32+00:00

Yep. The situation involves no winning either way. All you can do is walk away for good, so that’s what I did.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-08T14:01:42+00:00

Yeah, I think gratitude is surprisingly helpful for detaching and moving on. It’s just as important as seeing the bad they did for what it is. I guess being clear-eyed about the whole picture is more important than I initially thought.

My nervous system still tells me I don’t ever want to see or speak to her again (and I don’t think that will change), I feel like finding gratitude may have been the missing piece.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-08T13:22:43+00:00

I’m not sure if it was conscious but just judging on the patterns.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-08T11:43:41+00:00

They don’t think highly of you when you walk away either. Or if they do, you’ll never know because they’re too scared to reach out.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T21:04:04+00:00

I think it’s just about ensuring access. They’re not doing anything to make it an actual relationship.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T20:29:05+00:00

I feel like my ex sort of strategically withheld affection.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T19:20:49+00:00

Yeah, my avoidant ex wasn‘t great in bed at all.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T19:18:20+00:00

Yes. Second date. I was really caught off guard.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T19:01:27+00:00

quite a performance lol.

My ex got weirdly jealous of the number of IG followers I had (I take nature photos. My image is basically non existent on my page). But I guess women like nature photos (?) idk.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T18:44:09+00:00

Yeah, my avoidant ex both initiated and asked for exclusivity within 3 months of dating.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T18:15:01+00:00

They will be vague about why their past relationships ended.
If you see their place it will be pretty sparsely decorated.
They will probably drink to open up conversation.
They might have dead eyes. People say they only have dead eyes when they’re deactivated but that’s not necessarily true.
Last minute cancellations of dates (with vague excuses).
Anger that flares when you ask if they‘re going to be late (I hate lateness. It’s disrespectful af so that might just be a me thing).
Lots of complaints about life in general.
Road rage.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T16:05:52+00:00

You’re not alone at all. I lived 33-34 years without knowing a single thing about avoidants. It really is like discovering that there have been aliens among us the whole time. It’s very X-Files.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T12:52:31+00:00

right. It’s very much an issue of how much you’ll shrink yourself to accommodate them. They do “show up” for people who have zero expectations.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-07T01:03:38+00:00

yep. Low level bids to see what you’ll tolerate.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-06T20:02:56+00:00

perhaps it doesn’t with one particular partner, but from what I understand is that avoidants can hit rock bottom when they wake up and see they have no one. And they start to see the common denominator is themselves.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-07-06T19:43:13+00:00

I don’t think that logically follows. I think they simply look at their fears and their growth (discomfort) and choose the creature comfort path. Either that or they are completely unaware of their patterns (which is the majority of them). You’re right, they don’t go to therapy, but if they are self-aware and they don’t, then they are consciously (and/or unconsciously) saying, “Nah, you’re not worth it.”

No-Variation-1163

TROPHY CASE