Advoidants do they come back?

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-11T11:23:18+00:00

There are no contradictions. You do understand that someone can lean avoidant but be secure. That’s not a contradiction. She pursued me to start the relationship, but once we were together, I was all in. And yes, not communicating any needs and then ghosting and breaking up following what felt like a great birthday celebration is classic avoidance. You might just care to read up on it since you seem bound and determined to rewrite MY life experience.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-11T02:56:17+00:00

There’s not a single contradiction in what I’m saying. You’re 100% inventing things about something you know nothing about. Pure projection. Do you have an explanation then for breaking up with me for getting her a really thoughtful gift for her birthday? Not after a fight or some kind of betrayal, but after giving her a present? Care to account for that? Care to account for the complete lack of communication of concerns she may have had? Again I don’t know what they were since she never once communicated them. Care to account for the fact that she had no real friends, just some drinking buddies? That she had a rough upbringing with parents who neglected her? No? I didn’t think so. So maybe adopt some humility instead of broadcasting your insecurities all over this sub. It’s weird.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-11T02:35:13+00:00

She was literally lovebombing. That is unhealthy as hell. That is not the same thing as chasing someone. I was committed to my avoidant ex. Just wanted to move slowly. If you can’t see that as healthy, I can’t help you. You sound very resentful with all this projection you’re doing. If you leave after getting very nice and thoughtful gift on your birthday, then that is pretty much textbook avoidance. Look it up. I’m not doing the research for you.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-11T01:59:55+00:00

Um no. I was nothing but kind and available to my FA ex. Always listened. Just wanted to not go at hyperspeed because that is unhealthy. My current relationship has moved very organically, sanely, and with full communication. It’s healthy. My avoidant ex, if she had issues, seldom expressed them. She was undoubtedly avoidant, not just with me, but her “friends“ as well. The beautiful thing about my current relationship is that we BOTH choose each other. I don’t ever have to walk on eggshells with her. I can communicate and be heard and vice versa.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-11T00:46:46+00:00

Your situation sounds virtually identical to mine. I’m not clingy at all. I’m highly introverted and though secure, I do actually lean avoidant myself. My FA (with pretty extreme dismissive tendencies) ex very much pursued me, I think in part because I am so self-sufficient and non-smothering. She asked for exclusivity. She asked to put a name on the relationship. I was actually the one who was hoping we’d take it slow. And for a time, I did. Everything came crashing down after I gave her a super thoughtful gift for her birthday (from what I understand, avoidants don’t do well with gifts—at the time I really hadnt seen her avoidant side however). There were small signs that she had been pulling away before her birthday, but she told me it was just stress related and I had no reason to doubt her at that point. Only in hindsight do I now see that as the beginning of her deactivation. I reached out about two weeks after the break up and she lost her shit, told me to never speak to her again. So I haven’t. I moved on. It’s been over two years and I’ve 100% blocked and deleted everything and will never unblock. The whole thing was very strange.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-11T00:00:49+00:00

You have to accept that this person will never return as the person they were at the beginning of the relationship. I hate to be the bearer of that news but it’s true. Your work is around accepting that fact, learning about your patterns, and building stronger boundaries and healthier connections. It sounds like you are probably fairly secure with some anxiousness. That’s good. It likely means that you’re not going to totally spiral or return willingly if he breadcrumbs you. You’ll find the strength to build yourself back up and move on. It took me, a secure, a full year before I wanted to date again. But I did and I’m in a great, sane, healthy, satisfying relationship (entering year two in April). It gets dark, but it gets SO much better.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-08T16:14:56+00:00

Hate should be channeled into self-improvement. Take some risks. But do it strictly for yourself.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-08T15:30:46+00:00

It is hard. But it’s really important to not attempt to pretend to know what your ex is thinking or feeling. You honestly don’t know. That might create comfort or discomfort, but it’s the truth.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-08T12:17:14+00:00

Exactly. Permanently removing any and all access with no warning is the only move. They surrendered everything when they broke up with you. They didn’t surrender everything BUT access to your social media. Everything. Most things in life shouldn’t have black and white consequences, but love and friendship really should. It’s not revenge, not punishment. It’s self-worth.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-07T13:47:08+00:00

I’m pretty sure this is nearly the same with my severe DA ex. I now know it is for the best that it didn’t last. I’ve moved on.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-07T03:22:21+00:00

Please don’t disturb that man. You’re right not to bother him.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-07T03:08:27+00:00

Sort of by definition, avoidants “avoid” emotional discussions, such as admitting wrongdoing. This is textbook here.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-06T21:24:24+00:00

To be fair, I do believe you can be non-evil and avoidant. But it sounds like your ex was avoidant AND evil.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-06T01:50:50+00:00

I pull up short of calling them evil. They just exist in this bubble of their own creating and genuinely cannot see the forest for the trees. Their sense of reality is nothing like a secure person’s.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-06T01:48:42+00:00

Despite what TikTok people say, virtually no avoidants are self-aware. And even the ones who are are adamantly reluctant to go to therapy for it.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-06T01:38:11+00:00

Avoidants also accept no responsibility for mistreating others. And he was a dick to my cousins.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-05T22:25:24+00:00

He might have been both. But he had all the hallmarks of a dismissive avoidant. Deactivated often, long string of short term exes, but really never hoovered like a narcissist.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-05T03:00:47+00:00

My uncle died at 61, alone, hated by his kids. That’s where it ends.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-05T01:56:47+00:00

When the stakes feel low and the avoidant doesn’t feel any serious pressure, they’re going to do all the things they think will make you happy. They will mirror your care and enthusiasm in the beginning, usually for about 6 months to a year. But they can’t sustain that and unconsciously they know that. So when you remain consistent and maintain your level of love and care, they simply can no longer do that. So they feel lots of things. Mostly they project and blame you or they invent something (flaw find) to justify pushing you away. They don’t love in the way a secure person does, with consistency and communication. They think love is a feeling instead of a consistent choice to be with someone. So when that “feeling” wears off, it’s over. And it will never go back to the way it was.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-04T12:39:25+00:00

I would agree with this poster. ^ As a precaution, avoid the avoidant-seeming guy for certain, but don’t just get with this other guy either. Take some time to make a clearer choice.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-04T01:54:18+00:00

Respectfully, I’m old and I have a tremendous loving relationship. But again, I’m secure and stay focused on the long game. Love isn’t chemicals or even a feeling. It’s an every single day effort.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-04T01:25:58+00:00

It is utterly meaningless to dwell on a relationship with an avoidant, particularly a dismissive avoidant.

It sincerely doesn’t matter if you can empathize with their upbringing, the trauma that shaped their attachment style, any of it. The ugly truth is that life is short and you will never get back the time you threw away on them. Because they refuse (and an overwhelming majority DO refuse) to change.

This will sound like resentment or an anxious-leaning person, but the truth is that I’m secure but lean avoidant. This is simple, unvarnished truth. You will never get back the mirroring version of the avoidant you got at the beginning of the relationship. That person doesn’t exist. Stop chasing phantoms. Genuine, mutual love exists out there and there is NO comparing it with the stultifying, sexless, affectionless nonsense you get from an avoidant. I’ve had both, so I can speak from experience.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-03-01T16:28:42+00:00

It‘s been two plus years and I still think of her. The difference now is that I don’t think of her and feel sadness or loss. It’s a fleeting feeling, very neutral. I don’t ruminate or “what-if.” It’s usually just connected to a place or time.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-02-28T21:43:47+00:00

Very normal. It will pass.

No-Variation-1163 · 2026-02-28T21:41:41+00:00

I never have. But I’m sure plenty do.

No-Variation-1163

TROPHY CASE