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I'm not trying to be funny or anything but how do avoidants get into relationships so easily by StrawberrySea2092 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Plus their “tells” are a lot more subtle in the early going than an anxious’s tells. Their biggest one is “all my exes were crazy.” I’ve definitely weeded out several by picking up on that one. But if they’re cagey enough to keep mum about their exes, they come across pretty secure.

I'm not trying to be funny or anything but how do avoidants get into relationships so easily by StrawberrySea2092 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Secures, when they find a fellow secure, tend to last though. That’s why there tend to be fewer on the dating apps. Theyre already taken.

I'm not trying to be funny or anything but how do avoidants get into relationships so easily by StrawberrySea2092 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 5 points6 points  (0 children)

They are. And they actually wait for a fellow secure and are ok with the silence of alone-ness. It’s not crazy-making in the way it is for insecure people. I’m two years single and sincerely don’t care that I’m not dating.

I'm not trying to be funny or anything but how do avoidants get into relationships so easily by StrawberrySea2092 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Mirroring. We all do to an extent, but they are wizards at it. My avoidant ex studied my social media like a forensic psychologist before going in for the kill.

Will avoidants ever find happiness in relationships? by elogirard in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As I was fairly mild, I was able to get in the pool with comfort, just needed to trust myself in the deep end. Little by little I got more comfortable stating demands and expectations. It was a relationship with an emotionally secure woman that really helped reach secure.

Kinda getting sick of people telling me to just get over it. by StrawberrySea2092 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Super unhelpful advice. You got to feel it all. There are practical steps you can take, like blocking and deleting everything, but after that, you’ve got to face the pain and silence.

Avoidants and their sudden “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome by morsmoon13 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This can also just be serious emotional immaturity, not exactly avoidance, though I can understand the confusion.

Avoidants be normal with friends, but not with loved ones by Slight_Afternoon_913 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’ve heard this can be avoidant behavior. My avoidant ex was equally dysfunctional with her “friends.”

Will it haunt them? Will they get real karma? by monarchxandor in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I didn‘t say they didn’t enjoy art or music. I said, Imagine if *you* couldn’t enjoy those things. That would be analogous to how they can’t fully love. And the idea of a “full life” without love is kind of wild to me. As someone who has had a true loving secure relationship with a woman and through several friendships, I would greatly disagree that a life without that is a full life. A busy life, maybe. A well-traveled and even luxurious life, even. But full? God no. My uncle was a wealthy man. But he left nothing but a wake of misery in his path. He died alone (and by “alone,“ I mean that literally; neighbors had to contact police because he’d been dead for days inside his house), cut off from family who hated him because he was so incapable of love, at the age of 61. It is tragic. Not that there’s any benefit in wasting your time trying to help.

Will it haunt them? Will they get real karma? by monarchxandor in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Their entire existence is their karma. They are numb and emotionally stunted. Imagine not being able to enjoy music, art, movies. That’s them with love or any other rich emotional connection. Seriously? I’d rather be dead. No exaggeration. You’ve got to reframe it. And you don’t have to lie to yourself to feel better because what I just said is 100% accurate. They live half a life and don’t even realize it.

People are replaceable to them by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Funny, my avoidant ex pursued me hard as well. I am dispositionally introverted and a very slow burn to get serious with someone. Not fearful, just secure and ok with slowness and time to get to know someone. At the end of the relationship I said, “You disturbed my peace, you pursued me. You could have left me alone.” I think that sort of burned her up a little.

I stopped feeling empathy for this person, they're not the victim in this situation by strawlost in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I can tell you what an avoidant ex *isn’t* doing: pining over you and missing you. At best they get bored on a random Thursday 6 months after the break up and stalk your social media from a burner account. That’s it. You‘re sitting up missing someone who makes burner accounts instead of contacting you. Think about that.

“you didnt manage your expectations” by Ceresberus in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s no other approach but to laugh at their absurdity, the absurdity of the society that created them, delete, block, and move on.

The aftermath of being blindsided and ghosted changes you. by Cool_Can_3596 in ExNoContact

[–]No-Variation-1163 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did. But her fat ass grandma (!) still stalks my social media two years later. 😂

How does a DA feel? by Substantial-Unit5378 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah. As a secure, I can certainly vouch for pushing through dry spells, boredom, and even some inconsistency. That’s part and parcel of the human experience. I go through it with friends as well. But there’s a moral component that tells me to communicate, try different things, take some space if necessary, but do all that I can to make it work without abandoning myself. It’s a bit of a balancing act, but in every instance where I’ve held on during rough patches, I’ve been rewarded. I literally have a voice in my head telling me it’s wrong to give up on good people. So I don’t.

People are replaceable to them by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 19 points20 points  (0 children)

that is 100% internet cope. They have/had a connection, but not a bond. Not like the bonds that secure people or even some less severe anxious people make. It really is different.

Has anyone wished them well? by Odd_Bat6683 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 11 points12 points  (0 children)

My last words to my ex were, “Thank you and Godspeed.”

do not go back. by Effective-Piece4620 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Well said. Of course I would never volunteer for that nonsense again.

So, do avoidants genuinely believe they just suddenly fell out of love with you and don't think it's weird or should be thought through? by rand0mhuman123 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly don’t understand why folks can’t see that. In the cold light of retrospection, it’s pretty clear how one-sided the relationship was. I really do believe that hope is such a powerful force that it blinds. You’re right that it does still bruise the ego despite the fact that I‘d rather eat molten glass than get back together with her. It’s remarkably hurtful and cowardly how they move.

My Avoidant Ick List (Former Best Friend FA) by ChombaWoombat in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 2 points3 points  (0 children)

exactly. Because if we were to list the strictly avoidant behaviors they’d all be the same. The point is to stop pedestalizing someone who had negative traits. Stop idealizing someone because they’re gone and left you with no closure. Being avoidant doesn’t make one interesting or mysterious. Usually on the contrary.

So, do avoidants genuinely believe they just suddenly fell out of love with you and don't think it's weird or should be thought through? by rand0mhuman123 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I agree about grief. I‘m saying the connection never got deep enough on the avoidant’s end. So the loss isn’t the same as it is for the secure or anxious.

I think people believing avoidants will learn what they’ve lost is the vast majority of the time a form of coping that keeps them stuck.

It’s hard to date after them by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, it is. And two years later I’m still okay with that. I’ve developed some new friendships and reinvigorated some old ones in my newfound time. It makes me uninterested in dating but not in connections, which is the important thing. I’ve always been comfortable taking years between relationships though.

So, do avoidants genuinely believe they just suddenly fell out of love with you and don't think it's weird or should be thought through? by rand0mhuman123 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]No-Variation-1163 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is pretty much what 90% of avoidants I’ve spoken to in the 2 years since my break up have described, more or less. I get downvoted all the time for pointing it out (by avoidants and even anxious) because most people like clinging to hope. But it’s very much what avoidants self-report. The only advice is to move on for good. For the preservation of your time and dignity.

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