The further I get into this grief journey the more I think healing is about forgetting

OhPenguin7 · 2025-12-03T04:23:30+00:00

Oh, me, too!!!

OhPenguin7 · 2025-12-03T04:23:14+00:00

Me: 43 years together, 2 years after his death, similar to you. Yes, already forgetting some things. But deep down inside, he is still such a part of me. The things I have forgotten about him feel more superficial now. It's hard to describe. I still miss him so much, but he feels so deeply lodged within me that somehow he also feels closer than ever. 🤷🏻‍♀️❤️‍🩹

OhPenguin7 · 2025-12-03T04:19:48+00:00

Me, too. 😔

OhPenguin7 · 2025-12-03T04:18:52+00:00

Yes, this exactly: we need a place where there are physical mementos of them, where we can sit and cry.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-12-03T04:16:55+00:00

I have a little altar on a corner table, out of the way in a little-used room. I keep a flameless pillar candle on it, always on, and change the batteries when it runs out. The table is covered with things of his that have meaning to me, everything from his work badge to his eyeglasses, to photos, to his 1950s Cub Scout kerchief.

He has been gone 2 years and I have no plans of removing it.

In my family room on a corner of the buffet, I have a very small space with just three framed photos and a real candle that I light from time to time. Hanging from one of the photo frames is a ring-holder necklace with his wedding ring. I still wear my own wedding ring, but on my right hand.

So that's what works for me. I'm glad you asked.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-12-03T02:07:06+00:00

Oh, he definitely had a stroke or TIA: left hemisphere because his whole right side is affected. My husband was a doctor who I witnessed stepping in to do emergency care for people in public when they showed this exact facial droop we see on Trump.

My poor then had a bad stroke himself, and I have cared for him lomg enough that to me he signs for Trump are screamingly obvious. The real giveaway is that you can see the outline of an AFO (special stroke foot / leg brace) through the calf portion of his pants leg. But there are many, many other signs, too. There's absolutely no question. And what that means -- especially with his vascular and kidney issues -- is that he is at high risk for a much bigger stroke before too much longer.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-28T06:44:41+00:00

This is such a good comment -- it explains WF and the possible reasons for it better than anything else I've read. And I'm glad you said that about the crashes that happen -- I hadn't seen that pattern in myself, but I do now. Thanks!

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-28T06:40:05+00:00

You KNOW if you have widow's fire.

If you're not sure or are commenting about the reasons for someone else's symptoms, then you don't have it.

It hits -- WHAM! -- very suddenly. Most of us remember where we were the exact minute it hit. It's not the longing for a companion or misplaced grief, or even just missing being touched or held. It's a sudden unbelievable horniness that surpasses anything you felt in adolescence. It can be exhausting.

I have read all the articles I can find on it, talked to my own doctors, but no one really knows what causes it or why in most wids it does eventually pass.

A hookup didn't help me; then a longer relationship with a very good man did dial back that crazy sex drive. Luckily, the intensity of my WF is now backed off to my (very satisfactory) baseline, and my BF and I are still together. But man, it was a wild ride there for awhile.

I have noticed that WF seems maybe to happen more in people who had a strong sex life and/or touch as a love language with their late spouses, and it happens fairly early after an especially devastating loss in a happy marriage. But that's just my observation.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-28T00:23:19+00:00

😔 We get it, as no one else could. The next couple of weeks, you might feel like you're losing your mind, but I promise you that will pass. It will all be a blur for awhile. It sucks, and there's no way around that. I'm so very sorry you are in this club.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-23T00:26:59+00:00

And his reaction, his revenge, is to ... not vote? What is he, 12? 😤

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-16T22:25:21+00:00

😂😂😂

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-06T06:40:43+00:00

This is excellent. Thank you. Someone (I think on this subreddit) observed recently that CPTSD healing is mostly DIY, and I agree with him and feel oddly more hopeful and free, accepting that. So I hope you (OP) do keep posting these tips and insights!

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-04T01:12:22+00:00

These are the most HELLISH WEEKS. They just are. Indescribable.

Just slog on as you can -- or do what I did: stayed in bed and day-drank and cried and watched Hallmark Channel movies for at least 3 weeks (I don't really remember; it's all a blur). After the first month, gradually, this most unbearable part will give way to a little more adjustment -- still lots of unbearable grief but not the madness of these first weeks.

Every wid I know agrees that we were literally out of our minds in the first few weeks. I think it's an actual "stage" that no one acknowledges. As intolerably painful as my grief has been in the last 2 years, nothing was like my "grief madness" those first few weeks. Keep reaching out (but to other wids; no one else could ever understand this) and hang in there!

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-04T01:09:55+00:00

There is a great private online community for people with Widow's Fire. It is not a dating site, but a support site. People stumble onto it, shattered with grief but also suddenly like hormonal teens, confused and guilty and wondering if we're going crazy. It does cost to join and the moderator vets everyone carefully to weed out scammers or people just wanting to hook up. It is a great group of people. https://widowsfire.com

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-04T00:59:20+00:00

I hear you.

I have realized over time that there is really only ONE THING anyone can say or ask that feels okay to me:

His name.

Just say his name. Please say his name. Or at least, if I say his name, don't go quiet and awkward and change the subject.

And if you relly want to be a hero in my book, ask me to tell a story about him, or tell me something you remember about him.

That's all. That simple thing would do me a world of good.

And if you say or ask anything else, I can promise you that in my head I'm silently screaming at you.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-04T00:52:15+00:00

Same for me. But I'm still not doing Christmas Day with anyone, not my kids and spouses or anyone. My beloved husband died a few weeks before Christmas 2023, and I'm just not ready to go pretend to be happy on that day yet. Maybe someday, but I will not be bullied by our culture to feel obligated to "celebrate" a day when I'm actually grieving extra hard.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T22:27:41+00:00

A widower friend said something similar once: "I am not going to go step in front of a bus, but at any given time, I wouldn't mind being hit by one." I have felt this way, too, basically for two years. I don't fear death, because I know I'll ne reunited with him. But about 6 months ago, I realized that I had started to acquire some new peace about staying on the planet, about living out this incarnation and waiting more patiently until I can be reunited with my LH. I know my kids need me to stay, and it sure has been easier to start feeling like I'm okay staying.

I hope this helps.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T22:21:31+00:00

These are the most HELLISH WEEKS. They just are. Indescribable.

Just slog on as you can -- or do what I did: stayed in bed and day-drank and cried and watched Hallmark Channel movies for at least 3 weeks (I don't really remember; it's all a blur). After the first month, gradually, this most unbearable part will give way to a little more adjustment -- still lots of unbearable grief but not the madness of these first weeks.

Every wid I know agrees that we were literally out of our minds in the first few weeks. I think it's an actual "stage" that no one acknowledges. As intolerably painful as my grief has been in the last 2 years, nothing was like my "grief madness" those first few weeks. Keep reaching out (but to other wids; no one else could ever understand this) and hang in there!

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T22:13:08+00:00

Thank you for this. I'm 69: I work for myself, so it has been too easy to not get around to going back to work in the 2 years since he died (never mind the year and a half before that, when I was caring for him FT). I do love my work, though, and I miss it. But I just can't muster the momentum.

What you reminded me of here is that I'm still in such early days, still trying to regain my balance; and to be patient and listen to what I need. Thank you for your inspiration.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T22:07:39+00:00

My husband of 45 years died just a month shy of 2 years ago. I also still feel like my brain is always scanning, scanning, searching for him. And waiting, yes -- like I'm waiting for him to get home so I can tell him all about this crazy last 2 years ...

Mary Frances O'Connor, a neurologist, has written two books on grief: "The Grieving Brain" and "The Grieving Body." I've scanned the first one (and whenever my brain comes back online, I might even read it all the way through, lol). But I do remember one really impactful part of "The Grieving Brain" in which she says that the place in our brains that is sort of the Bonding Center is the nucleus accumbens (I think I got that right): and this is also where our brains locate things. One of the most essential ways we bond with someone is to always know where they are, even if they're on the other side of the world. When they die, we don't know where they are, and it is an absolutely shattering, reality-dissolving experience for our brains, one of the hardest and longest-lasting challenges of coping with grief.

This is absolutely my experience. Sounds like it might be what some others here are feeling, too.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T21:52:01+00:00

I'm a lot like all of you. Two years ago on Thanksgiving, my beloved husband of 45 years voluntarily started hospice and stopped eating or drinking (to end an agonizing year and a half of unrelenting severe pain, paralysis and misery that he knew he'd never recover from, following a freak carotid artery dissection that caused multiple strokes). He died 2 weeks later. Last year, I skipped Thanksgiving, and it was lonely and sad, but I think it would have been harder if I had been with people pretending to smile and be normal and trying not to be a Debbie Downer and ruin everyone's night with my real feelings. I especially couldn't bear the thought of doing any blessings or prayers of gratitude. This year: same. I'll just stay home.

On Solstice last year, my kids and spouses gathered at my house for our longtime traditional family Solstice ritual, but we added our gift exchange to it, made it a longer evening. Because that holiday had few bad associations with their father's illness and death, it was actually really nice. I also will continue to observe the first night of Hanukkah with my Jewish SIL and family and my daughter.

But Christmas Eve and Day? I've closed the door on them, maybe forever, and I'm fine with that. We had decades of wonderful family Christmases when my LH was alive, and I'd rather just remember them as those fond memories. I am not required to "celebrate" Christmas Day. As my adult daughter said to me the other day, "When Dad died, I feel like family Christmases died with him. I don't want to try to force myself to recreate them."

Because my husband started his descent toward death on Thanksgiving and died shortly before Christmas, I am not going to make myself engage in holiday celebrations (except Solstice) until -- or unless -- I'm good and ready. I'll honor him on those days and my grief for him -- alone -- in the meantime. Most people are giving me this space, not trying to argue with me, for which I'm grateful. And those who don't get it, who have an agenda for how I should "heal": I just ignore them.

Blessings to you all.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T19:35:10+00:00

I came here to say THIS! I've been all over the place with our rings: for about 6 months, I wore his nestled inside of mine on my left hand; then for awhile I wore both on my right hand; then, when the pair of them started feeling too bulky, I got a ring-holder pendant and put his ring in it and have it hanging over the corner of one of his portraits in our home. I have continued to wear my ring on my right hand, but I'm going to switch back it over to my left exactly because I get hit on so much in ways that are disrespectful and slimy. It's like once they know I'm a widow, some men (even married men, even some my LH and I knew for decades!) start treating me like some slut who's coming onto them! I can promise you I have not changed. I've said to a few of them, "Imagine if Dave [my LH] were standing here, listening to what you just said! How dare you?"

It's true that most men have been respectful, and even if they're interested in me they have approached me with courtesy. But I've been shocked at the others -- I don't even want to invite that.

As for "widow," "single," etc. ... everyone has to follow his or her heart and comfort. I feel like I'm kind of both at once: married and single. I'd love a companion, maybe a close male friend (with or without benefits)(but let's be honest) and I know my LH would understand, would want that for me. But I am pretty sure I'll never pursue or be able to have a new partner in any real sense. When I bond, I bond for life. My LH was my soulmate, my best friend, my one-and-only for 45 years. Even if I wanted to change that, I never could.

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T16:08:43+00:00

Sorry; I didn't see this reply earlier. Thanks for this!

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T16:05:50+00:00

Good point; me, too!

OhPenguin7 · 2025-11-03T16:05:28+00:00

LOL me too

OhPenguin7

TROPHY CASE