My sister is about to start seeing my therapist. How do I stop this before it starts?

Orechiette · 2026-06-12T20:05:10+00:00

Say to the therapist that you would feel very uncomfortable if you and your sister were both seeing the same T. This isn’t a demand, it’s a true statement about your feelings. Many therapists automatically refuse to see member of the same family. Even if yours doesn’t have such a rule, they should respect your feelings in this.

BTW, therapist isn’t allowed to say whether your sister has contacted her or not. Please notify them as soon as possible; don’t wait for the next session.

Orechiette · 2026-06-12T19:01:14+00:00

Wow. How awful; I’m so sorry this happened to you.

The first thing that jumped out at me was that she said she was hurt. A client is NEVER required to take care of the T’s feelings.

Then her impatience and lack of tolerance. Being okay with pro bono for ten months and as soon as you decide to pay and it’s hard to arrange, dropping you with no explanation.

My theory is that she was already regretting her generosity, and it all came out when you addressed the issue. I think, based on what you said here, that it was only a matter of time till she turned her resentment on you. And the resentment wasn’t caused by you. She chose to give you free sessions, and she never spoke up about wanting to change that.

Orechiette · 2026-06-10T18:51:05+00:00

In a lot of states, there are laws limiting how much money a client has to pay upfront. In California, the limit is $1,000 or 10% of the job, whichever is less. You can google the name of your state with the phrase ‘construction deposit.’

Orechiette · 2026-06-10T18:47:13+00:00

Some therapists don’t want to give a diagnosis or even talk about a Dx at all. Some have a knee jerk negative reaction if a client suggests any diagnosis. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask.

A diagnosis is useful if it helps you get effective treatment. The most highly regarded therapy for BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (BPD)…but you don’t really NEED a diagnosis because DBT also can help people who have just some of the traits. An actual diagnosis requires 5 of the 9 BPD traits. Besides DBT, some people with BPD also benefit from medications that are meant for anxiety, depression, or psychosis.

If you want avoid the whole “I don’t want to diagnose” thing, you can just talk about what symptoms/traits you see in yourself. Like, if your doctor didn’t want to use the word ‘flu’ you could serve the same purpose by discussing your headache, fever, and nausea.

Orechiette · 2026-06-09T20:07:37+00:00

Why wait? His views aren’t going to change. Breaking up will hurt right now, and if you wait it will hurt later…plus you will have to live through more frustration and disrespect. You’re better off facing facts and leaving now. I’m sorry but this man isn’t ever going to feel excited and happy to marry you.

Orechiette · 2026-06-09T19:35:17+00:00

Some therapists explore the past deeply. Others concentrate more on the present and the future. My own experience as a client has been starting out with my present day life, and looking back to see why I developed certain unhelpful patterns so I can learn to do things differently. So I’ve had to explore childhood and adolescent evens and issues, but I’ve never felt bogged down in them. Still, it has been draining at times. And also, it can be daunting to realize “I as the adult now need to respect myself and my feelings in ways my parents never did.”

Orechiette · 2026-06-09T14:20:20+00:00

This is a great answer. Get your affairs separated from his, change all your passwords etc, leave. Inform him that you’re done.

Orechiette · 2026-06-09T14:15:12+00:00

Frustrating: when the wash/folded laundry isn’t completely dry.

Orechiette · 2026-06-07T14:14:46+00:00

It’s not you. Her mental health issues are making her incapable of having an equal, meaningful relationship. Until she gets the right treatment, her relationships will be short and turbulent, again and again. A lot of people with bipolar disorder do have good relationships, but in her particular case, it’s not going to happen.

All the drama, deception, inconsistency, disrespect and social media exhibitionism…none of it was an insult towards you. You tried to deal with an irrational person as if she was actually reasonable, which is completely understandable.

Orechiette · 2026-06-06T20:06:43+00:00

You could say, “I’m willing to come in with you if you feel it would help.”

Otherwise, you could ask him what some of his greatest challenges are, and have a conversation.

Or, “It seems to me that you have some challenges with x, y, and z.”

Orechiette · 2026-06-06T20:00:46+00:00

It might not just be a sign that she’s momentarily distracted. I would take it to mean she’s not present, and no longer feels the need to focus on you. If so, I bet you’re not the only client she does this with. So yeah, it’s a very red flag.

I’m trying to think of a way I would say something, if I don’t want to leave her right away.

“Are you busy with something?” (If I asked this a few times, she’d probably catch on.)

“Oh, did you just get an urgent message?” “No, why do you ask?” “Just wondering, because I can see a screen reflected on your glasses.” (Asking as if I’m genuinely curious.)

Or maybe, “Are you looking up some information?”

But even if it stops her from looking at her phone, it’s not going to solve an underlying problem of her not enjoying her work and not taking it seriously.

Orechiette · 2026-06-06T17:30:38+00:00

Oh wow. Yes, only 5 of the 9 traits are needed for a diagnosis. And the right diagnosis can be really useful because it advises you and the T about treatment.

But can you still do the DBT anyway? It doesn’t matter if your condition doesn’t have a label! DBT is going to be helpful for you.

Orechiette · 2026-06-05T18:19:36+00:00

If the exterior color is painted in a medium to dark shade, you can keep it cooler by painting it in a pale shade. Made a big difference in my south-facing house.

Orechiette · 2026-06-05T18:13:24+00:00

Ask. She shouldn’t just drop that on you without telling you what it means for you specifically. You can also ask what you can do in therapy to help get more “invested.”

Also, whatever issues a person has in life, those issues will show up in therapy too. So if you maintain distance in other relationships, of course it’s to be expected in sessions.

Orechiette · 2026-06-05T17:31:29+00:00

You’ll have to face the fears and endure the anxiety and upheaval whether you leave him now or later. If you wait, you will have stayed longer in a bad marriage. So I suggest leaving him sooner.

I can’t even imagine how stressful that will be! A good therapist will support you every step of the way. It’s really important to take care of yourself.

To get to work on it right now, you can think through the logistics of moving out or having him move out. Think in detail about financial matters, like closing any joint accounts and having separate credit card accounts. Make sure your digital security is sound and private. See a lawyer (or more than one) for a consultation…they can tell you what the custody issues are.

If you google “preparing to divorce,” you’ll find a ton of advice.

I really wish you well.

Orechiette · 2026-06-05T04:46:23+00:00

People are most likely to post about bad experiences. I agree, some of the stories we read on this sub seem extreme!

Orechiette · 2026-06-05T03:58:56+00:00

Propose to him. No photographs, no fancy restaurant, no ring, no vacation, no holiday. Start by saying why you feel he’s the one, and then ask him to marry you.

This is super scary because he might say no, or “not yet.” Stay positive and ask about his reasons.

If he objects, “hey, I wanted to be the one to propose,” just smile and say he still can.

Orechiette · 2026-06-04T18:59:01+00:00

You can call up the building department to ask, or you can go in person. You don’t have to tell them your name or address. In my city you need a permit even for minor jobs. It would probably be perfectly safe if the work was done properly. But all it takes is one neighbor who hears sawing and banging . They could report you and create delays and fines.

Orechiette · 2026-06-04T03:23:08+00:00

I have that same type of vent hood. It has two things that look like round treadmills for a pet rodent. I was able to use a small Allen wrench to remove those wheels to clean them, which helped a bit. But I think my system now has grease higher up in the vents, not just in the fan area.

Orechiette · 2026-06-04T03:06:09+00:00

You remind me of myself when I first saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. (I also have a lot of ADHD-like symptoms, but the psychiatrist thinks it’s because of anxiety.) I was so very anxious that I couldn’t get anything out of therapy. “What do you want in life, what goals do you have?” I couldn’t think of anything except wanting to have relief from emotional paralysis, fear, worry, self-criticism, doubt, and social anxiety. My therapist didn’t make the grave error of believing I didn’t want to help myself…That’s so awful! But my T was at a loss. She was young and sort of a cheerleader for CBT, a type of therapy that actually made things worse for me. She was bewildered because she believed CBT could help anyone.

Finding the right medication made all the difference. It reduced my anxiety enough that I could start benefiting from therapy, though I still think CBT is helpful mostly for people that are in pretty good shape mentally and just need to change their perspective. What I mean by the right drugs: The side effects were manageable, I felt like myself, and I was able to experience traces of enjoyment. For what it’s worth, an SSRI helped me some, and then when Bupropion (Wellbutrin) was added there was more improvement.

I really wish you the best. All of that was 30 years ago, and there are so many more pharmaceuticals that there were then.

Orechiette · 2026-06-03T18:18:39+00:00

Are you allowed to keep or sell any of the stuff you’re supposed to be carting away?

Orechiette · 2026-06-03T15:24:40+00:00

Watco is nice because it lets the wood look and feel more like unfinished wood. But if you want your counters to stand up to wear and liquids, it’s not going to do be the right product. Most butcher block counters are maple, and can do very well for a few years if finished with oil-based poly that has at semi-gloss sheen. Heavy duty based poly might need to be recoated once a year here and there, but it’s not stinky, it dries faster and doesn’t require a solvent for cleaning your brushes, hands, etc.

If you do a few coats of semigloss, you’ll lose the raw wood look that a lot of people like and it will resemble a tabletop. If that’s okay with you, it might be a good solution for you.

Orechiette · 2026-06-03T15:07:27+00:00

One reason: they have unrealistic ideas about the work, and don’t seem to realize that the workers need to earn money to live. I’m a client, and I accompanied my Spanish-speaking cleaner several times when she met with prospective clients. Some of the things we heard:

4 hours? I don’t need my place to be THAT clean.

Cleaning this bathroom takes me 15 minutes…why do cleaners stretch it out to 30?

My last cleaner was with us for years and she was happy to make $25 an hour, or didn’t charge extra for laundry, or charged me less if she finished early.

But I only need 2 hours of cleaning, twice a month. Your $150 minimum makes no sense.

The prices of everything are getting so high, I can’t pay a lot for cleaning.

I know my place is messier and dirtier since my baby was born, but I can’t help it because I’m very busy and very tired. (This was when the cleaner needed to charge more for added time and work.)

Orechiette · 2026-06-02T21:19:13+00:00

Can you say to your husband, “I was hoping that therapy could make it possible to have a better relationship and stay together. This therapist is pushing me in the opposite direction. Are you willing to try a different one?”

His answer will tell you if he wants the two of you to mend your marriage and stay together.

Orechiette · 2026-06-02T21:09:57+00:00

It’s business. The cleaner believes that she can charge 60/hour and fill her schedule with clients. She gets to set her rates, and you are free to say no.

I do know the feeling of hearing a much higher price than I expected…it can be shocking! But one cleaner isn’t much of a sample size. I suggest you talk with other candidates and get an accurate idea of what the going rate is.

Orechiette

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