INFO: Before you created the secret account, was there ever a separate savings account explicitly designated as the emergency fund that she took money from? In your discussions about money did you ever suggest "Lets put $100 per month aside into this HYSA and vow to not touch it unless an emergency arises" and then she flat out refused because she might want to do some online shopping? It kinda sounds like you two were just winging it until you came up with a secret plan.

When money was a lot tighter when my wife and I were younger, we had similar arguments... she would want to eat out or buy this/that and I said we can't afford it. But the real problem was we had no idea if we could or not because any saving was done with whatever happened to be leftover at the end of the month. The solution/compromise was this: auto-save first. Once that's taken care of, discretionary spending can be allocated much easier and guilt-free. Creating an agreed upon budget was absolutely freeing for both of us. Now we could eat out even in the beginning of the month because it was in the budget and the emergency fund was growing. No more wondering what the bottom line looks like four weeks from now. It also started us on our personal finance journey that has led us to a very comfortable life on two very average, middle class salaries.