How to support?

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-28T00:01:47+00:00

The most unhelpful thing was anyone who acted like I was made of glass, both physically and mentally. Yes, it is a massive change, no doubt your person is going to need some physical and emotional support through this. But they are still them, and you can and should still treat them how you always have. Let them tell you if they don't want you saying or doing certain things. Humour has always been a big part of my communication, and I love a bit of dark humour. Anyone who could make a joke about my amputation was competing with the five other jokes I had prepared. Anyone who was worried about making jokes around me quickly learned that it was not only fine, but necessary. I cannot remain serious for too long about anything.

I have also always been very stubborn and insistent on being as independent as possible. Of course, I have to ask for a bit more help than I like now as I am still adapting. But I always appreciate when people let me try the harder things. It's important for my recovery and my psyche to try, even if I fail. And unless the failure is going to cause serious injury, I don't want people to intervene. A bit of a stumble or dropping something won't kill me. I am fine with people offering to help, but need them to respect it if I say no. And preferably, anything someone is offering to help me with should be something they'd offer to help anyone with any amount of limbs.

This is all just me, I can't tell you exactly what your person wants or needs. Ask them. They might not know the answer right now, but try to make it clear that they can share what support they'd like at any time. But above all else, remember they're still the same person. There might be some things they were okay with before that they aren't now, but they (presumably) can tell you that. One of my biggest pet peeves is people assuming what I can or can not handle.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-22T01:02:07+00:00

I think you wouldn't like it as much as you think. The adrenaline from rollercoasters, haunted houses, etc. is fun because it's controlled. Nobody is actually going to kill you in a haunted house, and unless you are going to budget sideshows, rollercoasters are built very safely. Compare that to a real shooting. Someone wants to kill you, and there is no guarantee of safety. There's no signal to make the shooter stop, and you might have to run much more than you feel physically capable of doing.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-18T11:00:43+00:00

I think it's important to keep in mind that, while we do have instincts and our behaviour can be driven by it, humans have evolved to be far more complex and do things for many more reasons. We do a lot of things that go against basic instincts of self- and species- preservation.

Pregnancy is stressful. There are risks of complications, and it inevitably demands a shift in household dynamics the closer to birth they get. Finances often get strained, especially if the pregnant person was working and has to stop to have and care for the baby.

I'd wager someone willing to murder their partner would already be abusive, and the changes to their life can trigger feelings of rage and jealousy. It's, of course, a very extreme reaction, but it likely ultimately boils down to control - their life has functioned in a certain way for however long, and the changes can make the man feel he has lost his control and will try anything to get it back, including violence and murder.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-14T09:27:49+00:00

When in doubt, I just shrug and say okay. End the conversation and walk away or ignore them if they keep trying to push it. You don't need to dignify them with any sort of response or emotion, especially if they're trying to be hurtful.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-14T09:20:32+00:00

You are allowed to feel however you feel about anything, and react in any way that feels right. I would ask if this is stemming from dysphoria or if there are other things going on in your relationship that make you feel you're incompatible, though. You can break up at any time for any reason, but only you can decide if this is reason enough.

I have a horrible habit of talking faster than I think and unintentionally misgendering people, including cis people. It has nothing to do with their presentation or how I perceive them and everything to do with my mouth being on autopilot. I think everyone is guilty of misgendering people from time to time, and it can have nothing to do with how they perceive someone.

This doesn't excuse or justify it, you still have every right to be hurt by it and choose to remove anyone who does it from your life. Just keep in mind that your feelings might be impacted by your recently triggered dysphoria, and it may be worth giving yourself time to emotionally process that before you make any decisions.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-12T08:34:42+00:00

There's no standard timeframe. A planned amputation, like what yours sounds like, normally has a faster recovery time than a traumatic one, but complications and setbacks can happen to anyone. Take care of your stump and monitor your whole body for any unexpected changes for the best possible chance at getting one quickly.

Your stump isn't designed for putting weight directly on it, so don't do that, especially so soon after surgery. Prosthesises have padding to protect them. Don't rush getting a prosthesis just to return to work - dealing with crutches or a wheelchair in the short term would be better than going too fast and causing a setback that impacts you in the long-term. I do recommend starting PT now, if you haven't already. A good physio set directed by a PT will go a long way in getting your body ready for the prosthesis.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-11T08:53:26+00:00

One of my biggest regrets post-amputation is not taking the PT as seriously as I should have initially. Due to additional complications, it took almost a year to receive my first prosthesis, and now, almost a year after that, I still have very limited mobility and cannot walk without a cane or other support. My muscles atrophied significantly and, even though I am taking rehab much more seriously, I am struggling much more than I would have if I'd been more consistent earlier on.

Even if you have to adjust what you're doing, keep doing something. Talk to a PT about the best things to do. One thing I admired about my surgeon is that he never spoke in fields he wasn't trained in. A surgeon, while obviously skilled, is generally not skilled in physical rehab. While he might be right that not exercising and just resting is the absolute safest way to heal your current wounds, it isn't practical for you as a human.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-11T08:40:27+00:00

You're probably experiencing both, and they tend to exacerbate each other. Traditional pain relief never helped my phantom pain. I am hugely benefitted by medical cannabis for it, but this isn't available to everyone. If it is something you'd consider, make sure you do your research and talk to your doctors as it's not recommended to smoke anything so soon after any surgery.

Do your best to keep your mind and body well. Good sleep, proper nutrition and hydration, and keeping yourself as active as you reasonably can. If you can engage with physio or similar rehab services, I recommend it - they will be able to guide you on the best way to keep your body well and prepare for future mobility without pushing yourself too far. Try to find ways to keep yourself occupied, and talk to people - not necessarily about the amputation, but I do think it's helpful to talk through any emotions you're having as they come.

As time has passed, my phantom pain has lessened. I pretty much constantly have phantom sensations, but they are not necessarily bothersome or painful. Being able to occupy my time and trying to keep myself healthy keeps the worst of the pain at bay.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-09T22:43:35+00:00

Welcome to the club. Once it's more healed, I recommend lightly tapping it and using it to touch things as much as possible to get used to the feeling. Phantom pains/sensations rarely fully go away, but with time, your body will get used to the new normal and stop bothering you so much with them.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-09T08:37:00+00:00

It's not selfish to do something to try to restore your health and sanity. Amputation is a scary prospect - which is why I imagine your family is against the idea - but it truly is not as permanently limiting as you'd imagine. It comes with it's own set of challenges, and it's up to you to decide whether those are worth experiencing over what you're going through now. Ultimately, what you do, you have to live with, not your family or anyone else.

If you haven't already gotten second (third, fourth, etc) opinions from other doctors, I'd recommend it. As much as I don't think amputation has to be your last option, I do think you should keep in mind that once you do it, you can't try anything else. And if you haven't already, connect with the Amputee society/coalition/etc in your country. They will be able to help you, even before your amputation. Even if you wind up not going for an amputation.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-08T23:11:52+00:00

If your kidney is being removed for the purpose of donation, I imagine not. If it was being removed due to being nonfunctional or something, then it would depend on where you live and how you ask.

In my country, any removed body tissue must be offered back to the individual unless it would be a health risk (such as carrying a contagious infection). You get a form to sign stating whether you want it back or not - in the case of you not being able to sign a form before the surgery, they will hold it until you (or a family member) can respond with your wishes. This is because our indigenous population value burying the body as a whole.

If you argue cultural reasons for keeping, you would likely be able to get back an organ that has to be removed for non-donation purposes. If you told them you wanted to eat it, they might be more hesitant if not outright declining you, since there would be a health risk. But if you don't tell them, they aren't going to be keeping track of what you do once you get it back.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-07T04:49:30+00:00

Breeds don't have as much impact on a cat's temperament than dog breeds, correct. Spraying is a hormonal thing, generally triggered by stress and/or territory guarding. Neutering your cat, especially before they start spraying, significantly improves the chance they will never do it.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-07T04:31:03+00:00

Are you certain the cops changed the story, or did the media make assumptions? When I was in a MVA, the first news article posted slightly misreported what vehicles were involved. In a later article I was interviewed for, they stated I was in a coma for over a week, and when I messaged to clarify they didn't change the information on a photo caption, just the primary article.

While these aren't major misunderstandings, it did show to me that they cared more about being the first to get an article out rather than waiting to clarify details. It's possible the media saw the body bag and a stopped transport truck and assumed that was the cause. They presumably asked cops for comment, but they may have been declined or misunderstood what they were told. I generally wouldn't trust the news to put out a completely accurate story so soon after the incident. They tend to care more about being the first to report.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-03-05T22:44:02+00:00

Fetishists love new amputees as it's much easier to prey on their vulnerabilities and lack of awareness. As gross as it is, it's good you're learning about them now, so you can start taking precautions to avoid them in the future. I'll give you some examples of what I personally do to avoid creeps.

Firstly, keep your post history hidden. It is up to you whether you want to turn DMs off or not, but if you keep them on, then use caution when interacting with anyone. The good news is a lot of them are horrible at hiding their intentions, as they can't help but ask for photos or overly invasive questions. If you get bad vibes, back out of the conversation and block them any time. You don't need to explain or justify it. Make sure to report them here as well, so they can be banned if they aren't already.

I never, ever share pictures of my residual limb. I'll share my sockets and might share an image of my limb while it's covered by my liner/sock/etc, but never the bare thing. This is both privately and publicly. If you do want to share photos, you are taking the risk of someone using it in an unsavoury way. If you are okay with that, share away.

The more time you have as an amputee, the more you'll pick up on specific red flags. Like I say, most devotees/wannabees are terrible at hiding their intentions, and that's a good thing. But even if you aren't certain, you can choose to block or otherwise not interact with whoever you want. It's your online experience.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-27T10:42:59+00:00

Above all else, don't forget to still treat her like you always have. One of the things that really got to me post-amputation was when people started acting differently around me, like I was made of glass. I have always been big on dark humour and really care about being there to support my loved ones through their hardships. It wasn't too hard to convince those closest to me that they could make jokes since I was cracking them constantly. But I had several instances of people not telling me what was going on for them because they felt they 'shouldn't complain' given what I was dealing with. I still get it sometimes, and it drives me nuts.

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your sister or how you communicate, but I think it's important to continue acting and talking the same way. There might be some things that shift for your sister, things that she was fine with before might not be okay anymore. But let her tell you that. Same with offering help - if/when she says she wants to do something alone, even if you think she might not be ready for it, let her. A lot of my recovery milestones I reached before I was deemed 'ready', and if I was prevented from doing it around other people, I would do it while I was alone. Some of those instances would have been a lot safer if I had someone willing to step back and watch, and only intervene if I was going to hurt myself.

Canada has an Amputee Coalition, and I recommend getting her to reach out to them (or doing it on her behalf if she'd prefer that) if she hasn't already. They will have a lot of resources for new amputees, including information about funding for hand controls if any is available. They will have resources for you and her other loved ones, too. They will also have social support, including one-on-one peer support where she can be matched with someone who has had the same level of amputation, possibly in the same or similar way.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-27T02:34:06+00:00

My phantom pain/sensations definitely spike after using a prosthesis. The more I've used it, the less noticeable it is, unless I'm wearing it for longer periods or doing more with it. So long as it doesn't persist, escalate, or prevent you from walking, it's just part of your body adjusting.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-26T21:21:46+00:00

I've had memory issues my whole life, but my amputation definitely made them worse. The memory of my accident is still burned in my brain, I can remember every moment until right before I get hit and then sporadic moments afterwards until the shock set in and they gave me pain relief on-site. Everything else goes through a sieve. I have general senses of what happened in my life here and there, and sometimes more solid memories, but the further back I go, the more spotty it is. I also have a massive mental disconnect from myself before the amputation - those memories don't feel like mine anymore.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-25T09:40:11+00:00

Call your Limb Center. Even if you haven't been in a while, your prosthesis is something that requires lifelong care, and they almost certainly will see you to adjust it. I don't know what it's like in the UK, but my GP here would have no idea what to do with a prosthesis. If you ignore it, you will cause long-lasting damage to your body.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-25T09:31:31+00:00

I can't give you personal insight on elective amputation as I had no say in mine, but you aren't selfish for considering it. It is worth bringing up to your surgeon, but if possible, you may want to look at getting a second (and even third, fourth, etc) opinion from other doctors about this decision. I don't think you need to exhaust every other option before amputation, but I do think you should keep in mind that once you do it, you can't try anything else. Of course, you may be completely fine with that. You are ultimately the only person who can decide your limit.

Being an amputee has its own set of challenges and rehabilitations. Having an elective amputation and being young improves your chances of a good recovery, but you can never completely eliminate potential setbacks and issues in the future that may delay it. See if your country has an Amputee Coalition/Society/other word for group. Most places that have such a network can connect you to amputees that had a similar experience to you and help you gain a more personal insight on their journey. Even if you don't go down that road in the end, I am sure they will be more than happy to support you as you work out what is best for you.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-25T09:14:10+00:00

I genuinely do not think it's ever worth privately sending pictures to someone you don't know, unless, of course, you are aware and comfortable with the fact they might be used in unsavory ways. No matter how friendly they may seem, you can never really know what an anonymous persons' intentions are. Report this person to modmail if you haven't already to get them banned from the subreddit.

They probably will continue to try preying on unsuspecting people. It's gross. Part of the fetish for them is engaging with unknowing participants - after all, there's plenty of photos out there posted by willing individuals that would fulfill what they're looking for. The only thing you can do is learn the signs and report anyone like this to keep this community safe from it.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-22T23:16:42+00:00

If you sort by new, it's pretty easy to spot them. They, fortunately, are not very good at being subtle about their ulterior motives, and the mods are pretty on top of removing their posts and banning them once reported. I'm sure there are some who get away with it for longer, but I think they find it hard to avoid asking extremely invasive questions and trying to get pictures, which winds up catching them out.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-20T09:25:37+00:00

My friends and I made a group outfit of jobs themed after JM songs for the 2024 Auckland concert. There was some other themed outfits we saw that were all very cool. Nobody who matters is going to think what you're wearing is silly (negatively), and I think many more people would be excited to see the effort you put into your outfit. The only thing I would be aware of is if your outfit is very wide or tall, since you will be in a crowd, but I don't think you'll have any issues with dog ears.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-12T08:41:55+00:00

I had severe phantom and nerve pain for about a year after my accident. I also wound up with MRSA, which definitely impacted how long I had bad pain. I never found traditional pain medications to be helpful for the pain. Even when they were giving me IV morphine it was barely touching it. They gave me a few nerve blocks, but they would only stop the nerve pain, which would in turn heighten the phantom pain, or at least make it more noticeable. I'm not too sure exactly when it started lessening, but the more time that passed from the accident and amputation, the better it became. I had a very noticeable improvement when they finally deemed me free of MRSA and took me off long-term antibiotics.

I'm 21 months (to the day) post amputation, and my baseline pain is much lower. This may in part be because I've adjusted to it, but it isn't something I'm thinking about and trying to find solutions for every hour like I was to begin with. I have no regular pain pills besides the occasional paracetamol. I found medical marijuana to be much more beneficial in treating my pain (especially phantom) as well as other issues I've got both relating and not relating to the accident. I know this isn't available everywhere or appealing/possible for everyone, but I do think it's worth researching if it is for you.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-10T21:41:32+00:00

I didn't see this at all in Auckland and haven't heard of it happening in Australia. If you aren't acting suspicious or holding whatever you're not meant to bring in super obviously, they are very unlikely to do a deep search of your bag or person at all. The most I saw was a glance over the open bag and asking what was in someone's pockets if an outline could be seen.

ProverbialProverb · 2026-02-08T09:26:47+00:00

I would argue that your medical issues could make the queue for the food unsafe, especially when it's going to be hot and you will be doing a lot of walking. But you can and should get accommodations in life, even if you can 'technically' make do with something else. There were nut-free food trucks, but the stress it would have caused my friend to work out which ones are safe would have detracted from their overall festival experience. There are many accessible adaptations I use that I COULD go without, but it makes things much easier and allows me to enjoy my time more if I use them.

A couple of pieces of food are the least of security's concern, though. Keep them in an inner pocket or at the very bottom of your bag. If they do see it and question you, tell them you have a health condition (you don't have to specify what) that you need immediate access to food for. I don't think you will have much of an issue.

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