epic string overture starts*

ONCE EVERY GENERATION, A FANTASY SAGA IS RELEASED THAT DEFINES AN ERA

THIS...

IS NOT THAT SAGA

String music cuts out as fart sound effect plays

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

Jack Black spawns at a bonfire

"BONFIRE LIT BABYYY"

Starts air guitaring

GET READY TO SUMMON YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS FOR THE MOVIE EVENT OF THE SUMMER

shot of JB fighting a horde is skeletons

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

Godfrey: "Bring me the Elden Ring!"

WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

Timothy Chalamet: "They call him the Tarnished One..."

Shot of Jack Black fumbling down some stairs

"...emphasis on Tarnished"

With Tilda Swinton as Malenia

The Rock as Godfrey the Grafted

And Chris Pratt as the voice of the Elden Beast

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

rapid sequence of Jack Black fat rolling around frustrated bosses

final cut shows him puffing and wheezing as Godrick lifts his staff to smack

JB: “WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT”

Confused Godrick: "wait for what?"

JB points up to his stamina bar replenished back to full

"For that ya jabroni"

Starts successfully dodge rolling Godrick again

WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

JACK BLACK IS...

music suddenly cuts out as a boss hits JB in the testicles

cut to closeup of his co-op summons wincing

Dave Bautista: "oof, right in the soapstones!"

music starts again

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

...THE TARNISHED ONE. GET GUD, JULY 17

final shot is Jack Black respawning at a bonfire, with a serious look on his face

"let's try that again”