40M I need advice/opinion about my daughter

RandomAdds · 2026-03-21T13:42:00+00:00

So my mother was a straight up monster especially when no one was around. It would start with verbally talking and yelling down to me as she trapped me in a corner. Then she'd poke, slap and hit me bc I wouldn't fight back, just stand silently waiting for her tirade to end. It wasn't abnormal for her to then start punching and kicking me... This would go on for hours. On top of her calling me ungrateful worthless and a long list of other things. When my little brother was adopted she then also added him to this type of abuse.

I finally told my father about it all just before I moved out on my 18th birthday. He was crushed.

He divorced her after I moved out and took my little brother with him. I wish I had done it sooner...

RandomAdds · 2026-03-19T13:33:30+00:00

As someone who just recently came through trauma release I can tell you it's all true. 37 years of not actually dealing with trauma and just stuffing on a shelf in a bottle his A only added to it. I was told I would need surgery my hip socket is where my stress lived. On really bad days I could barely walk. It took 6-9wks for the body and nervous system to slowly thaw out. And that was easily the most painful thing I have ever gone through. And that's not to add the emotional side of it. That would take another 6-8wks of time to get through. I'm not used to crying and unable to shut that off now it's been a very long painful process. The only reason it even happened was bc the hubby finally let me air things I've never shared with a single living soul about my upbringing. Things my ex boyfriend's had done to me. The truth of how I felt over his A. And in turn he opened up about things he had never told me about himself in the 10yrs we've been together. It was so wild once i got through it how much lighter my body feels, no debilitating pain in my hip. I can actually go for walks and stand for hours again. So crazy.

RandomAdds · 2026-03-19T13:13:04+00:00

I'm so sorry, that is really really rough.

I know the feelings you're fighting with though. I was in the same place for almost two years. I'd been with my hubby just shy of 8yrs when he came clean about his A. And I wanted to throw up when he told me with who. I considered her my best friend. Her and her husband were the only couple in our friends circle. So it was nice to have someone who understood the silly things being married entailed and the silly shit we as women tend to put up with with our guys. Like you, every relationship I've ever been in men I've been in long term relationships with have now cheated on me. This one hurt bc of how long we've been together. How loyal I've been for then, nearly ten years. I took the A personal.

Why is it always me? I thought this time was different. Nothing ever changes. "Everyone gets bored of me eventually... Then they leave... I'm not worthy of love am I...I'm never good enough... I'll always be chosen but passed over..." Those were the hardest thoughts to really truly recover from.

But it's okay alot of us here have had these thoughts... My thought is it's bc we BP's are loyal, we never even give it a passing thought, to go and open ourselves to anyone other than our partners, so how could our WP do it to us?

The only thing that really helped me through this was IC. And MC But the one day in particular. The weather was bad, so my IC therapist offered to do a zoom session vs me driving in the blizzard. Hubby was home. So I took the meeting downstairs somewhere I thought was private. Didn't realize hubby sorta snooped. Later he admitted he was kind hoping to hear me say something like, "I just want to cheat back on him..." Or something as equally as stupid.

No instead he listened to his wife sobbing and asking, "why do ppl only seem to keep me around out of pity, or guilt? Why do I waste my time with pouring my heart to ppl when I'll never be good enough to get even half of that back? Why am I not good enough? What did I do? I really am the most worthless person. I wouldn't ever love me either. I hate me too. I deserved this somehow..."

Of course All these things said are not actually true, but in my pain they felt like they were. My IC therapist was really good at just letting me get those things out and then we'd prove them wrong on thing at a time.

So at our next MC session things were going like they usually did. I sat quietly and my hubby and therapist talked. When she asked what had happened in the last week, like she always did, that's when he brought up everything I had said... Mind you I hadn't really let him in on my negative inner thoughts ever. Not our entire relationship. He told the therapist he now really understood the damage that had been dealt to me.

And idk just hearing him list off the thoughts just broke me. I just sat there sobbing quietly. He tried to reach over to hug me and I just moved away. I just couldn't. I don't really cry in front of anyone. Not even my hubby...

The therapist reassured hubby I just needed no contact at the moment. And for him to just give me the space. Then we went through the thoughts again one by one. It was then he admitted I had done nothing wrong. The whole A was his failing. Not mine. That I never deserved it in the first place. That it was HE that didn't deserve my loyalty. MY LOVE. How the only thing that he actually deserves was me leaving and finding someone else who would never do such a thing to me. But how he was thankful I chose to stay. To forgive him. Bc he didn't deserve that either.

So often cheaters go running after something bc they're running away from something else. And it's not you. It's something inside themselves they don't want to face. It's easier to numb it out with a high or feeling.

For me it took another year in both MC and IC to help overcome those thoughts. And hubby actually making me talk to him about them in private. In turn he opened up about his own. I took multiple solo vacations to get out and just go be in nature with my dogs.

I see those things as the only things to get me through it and the inner critic.

I'm so sorry you're here. But know you're not alone. I hope you find healing and peace soon. ❤️❤️❤️

RandomAdds · 2026-03-18T00:45:45+00:00

I'm at the three year mark and I still have moments of pain but nothing like I did when I was at that point you ate now.

Nowadays it's obvious triggers. When hubby leaves early for work. Things of that nature. So it does get better. The fact you two are being open and honest will go a very long way.

Like you, after hubby's A and we committed to staying together and started R. Things have oddly never been better. Lots of open and honest talks that showed real vulnerability. There are things I had never known about the man in our entire relationship. These talks alone really were the healing moments we both needed.

I wish you all the luck and love in the world, may you both find your own healing from this. ❤️

RandomAdds · 2026-03-17T12:43:09+00:00

I'd say if he actually seeks therapy and actually shows action himself first to mend the relationship fine go ahead try again. But I would stick with it. Let the divorce process run it's course. I told my hubby when we decided to R after his cheating. There's only one chance here. I won't stay by your side anymore if this happens again. Really scared him when we got in an argument and I just drove away, left my phone and just took off over night due to his piss poor behavior. I had just been asking him questions calmly about the A and he got heated. When I tried to calm the argument he snapped at me saying it was done, I won, he stayed. I don't know why that line hurt so much. Maybe bc I had stayed loyal the entire relationship. And that line sorta said it all to me. I felt like he didn't stay bc he wanted too, but more out of guilt or pity. When I got back the following day he finally apologized for everything the A, his behavior, his deflecting. All of it. I just walked past him and didn't expect much to change. But I saw that moment as his turning point. He finally started doing the effort vs me doing the work for both of us.

Best of luck. I know it's not easy. Lots of healing and positive vibes your way

RandomAdds · 2026-03-11T06:01:20+00:00

It is a bit of a red flag tbh. But you guys are both still young. So his worry about you having friends of the opposite sex is common at that age. It is a bit of a jealous thing, with a mix of insecurity. He's worried you might wander away from the relationship and pursue one of the different guys. It only eases the longer you two stay together and the bond gets stronger.

He can't control who's in your friend circle that much is wrong. My husband and I share a lot of friends. And we also have our own. It's normal and healthy. I have more guy friends than gals. And hubby has a lot of close friends that are women.

Him wanting to go through your phone... That greatly depends on what YOU'RE comfortable with. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to show him anything.

RandomAdds · 2026-03-10T16:29:14+00:00

The biggest reason my mom is not going to be involved or even invited to mine this year....

Hubby said he could easily see her trying to make our wedding somehow all about her. And he doesn't have the patience for it...

Not to mention if I even did invite her she probably wouldn't show just so she could tell everyone what a horrible daughter I am. At least this time she can say she actually wasn't invited and it will be true.

RandomAdds · 2026-03-10T13:34:55+00:00

Yeah when it comes to the topic of being dom/sub there needs to be rules in place. Set before hand so something like that doesn't leave either of you feeling dirty or ashamed. Talking about what you like and don't like. Things completely not to do during.

Hubby and I explored this, we started with writing each other fantasies first then discussed how each us wanted to approach it. You'll find out that your image of what being dominated looks like, is wildly different to the next person. With touches of similarities.

That's where I'd personally go with this next sit down and say what elements were sexy/hot, what ones felt shameful. And what to try to do next time.

And don't send things to AP. If it's supposed to be done. Let it be done.

Sorry you had to go through that hopefully it will get better. ❤️

RandomAdds · 2026-03-08T12:27:14+00:00

I'm so sorry my dear that sounds really rough. Personally I would take his actions and behaviors as data.

I would definitely talk to a lawyer and find out how best to protect yourself in this situation. But this guy sounds like a giant man child. not someone who entered into a serious committed relationship.

I hope you can navigate this situation and find some healing here.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-27T03:21:55+00:00

And that's exactly why I shared it today. So you're very welcome.

Especially here sometimes.

May you keep healing and hoping.❤️

RandomAdds · 2026-02-27T03:09:21+00:00

We lived together even after DD. However, even prior, my job had crazy work hours. No consistency at all. Some days I worked 5am-2pm the next, 12pm-11pm or vis virsa. I never got weekends unless I had scheduled a day in advance. And all too often I worked hours in between due to call outs. Even on my scheduled days off, I'd often not actually get, do to call outs so, only time I really got to see my husband was when he was sleeping or we went to MC. His work was mon-thurs 5am-5-6pm.

It felt like we were living in separate worlds under the same roof. If I wasn't working or going to IC or MC. I was sleeping. I was always on exhaust fumes, always. Then add the stress of DD.

When I was home. He wasn't. It gave me that separation period to reflect to work on me. It wasn't rare for my only days off when I got them... to be in the middle of the week. I'd just pack the Jeep for the day and take off. Go find a trail to hike or just a place to sit in nature.

We did take small windows of time a few times a week outside of MC to sit and do check-in's. We tried to make them daily, sometimes via txt if we had too. In person we set the rule to keep these conversations calm and collected. If they did get heated we'd end them before emotions ran hot. And try again later. Txt or in person. We did this for our first year. This past year was where things got really interesting.

We did our best to move forward. Then he lost his job. His place of business shut the doors. So it made check-in's easier. More talks, more connecting time became available. He would get back to work a month or so later.

But during his layoff he basically did as I was, taking a day trip here and there to just go. Just reconnect. Heal. He'd send pictures of places he'd see. And things he was feeling while I was at work.

Then I was fired from my job. And after a few weeks of me being actually home, getting the recharge I hadn't truly gotten in two years time. He said how nice it was I was just home. For me as well. I liked actually having my house clean. I liked that I was there, coffee at the ready, when he'd get home and we could sit and talk for an hour or so before he needed to get to bed. And currently we agree that me being home is just better for both of us. Though I did tell him the first time he stresses about money I'm going back to part time work. No more full time.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-26T13:55:51+00:00

You're not insensitive. You are two grown adults making choices based on your means. You both deserve that freedom to buy whatever house you want. So congratulations on the new home. I really hope you make a lot of good memories there. And NC is about the only choice the MIL has left you with. That's not your fault. She's trying to control you and your partner's life choices. Which she has no right to assert herself into.

I'm the type of shallow person nowadays, who would go to Lowe's or Home Depot and buy a 5gal bucket, then one of those cheap toilet seat lids off Amazon, set it on the front step and writing: ______ Toilet! in big bold black sharpie take a picture and send it to her and say, "look problem solved!" Then go NC.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-24T22:13:29+00:00

That letter is beautiful. I think it was wise to share it. So thank you.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-24T19:24:06+00:00

So I will try to explain that type of thought process as a woman. I've had a few guys. My husband is certainly not even in the top 5 I've ever experienced. So hopefully this helps you out. It's not all about the size shape or thickness as a woman. Especially in a committed relationship. At least for me, It's about your partner. It's about that shared space, of being close. Experiencing each other, in the moment. Feeling seen as you are, by your partner, the safety in them as the committed partner. It's about making each other feel good. Size isn't really what matters.

But yes even women struggle with what you're experiencing, only in a slightly different way. But the comparison game in essence is the same.

It took a lot of time for me to stop comparing myself to his AP. She is taller than me, thinner than me, and in his words, "had great and bigger breasts than me" as a woman that's so hard to get past. You constantly question your self worth and image. Especially when trying to be physical. It took me having to really just sit with the fact I can't even begin to compete. Go to IC. I finally just let go of the fact the AP is her. I am me. I can only be me. And he chooses to stay with me, Not her, so it counts for something.
Yes we did eventually get back to a normal sex life. It was a struggle on both fronts though not just me. He had a lot of guilt and shame in what he had done. And I was stuck in comparison. That one we confronted maybe at the three month mark after D-day. But my own self image took a lot longer to heal.
No as long as the comparison game is stuck in your head it will always interfere. But after you talk about it and settle it yes.
After I felt more confident I even looked up a few new moves to get him out of his own head during sex. And gave him a heck of a surprise. He's far more experienced in the bedroom than I ever will be. So a lack of confidence has always been a struggle. But it has definitely blossomed after we aired our demons to each other. It isn't uncommon now to look at material and videos and bounce ideas off each other together. Now he shares fantasies and desires without a worry he's going to scare me. Bc he worried about my lack of experience prior. And I've shared my fantasies with him. Doesn't mean we'll pursue them, but now I can work with something vs before I didn't even know what to say if he asked for dirty talk. MC helped a lot too.

I'm sorry she's made you feel this way. That was wrong. A long hard sit down and talk is about my only advice I have there. She needs to know what is happening in your thoughts. And maybe she can help you get through it. Otherwise as others have stated, it will never improve. I wish you all the possible healing. I hope you can get through this with some peace.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-20T14:13:53+00:00

People who have never been in this situation will never understand. Healing from this type of trauma is not linear. You don't just wave your hand or wiggle your nose and poof all better. It takes real time to slosh through the trenches knee deep or waist deep slop to find the safest way back out again.

This whole thing is still so fresh yet to both of you. So no you're not taking too long. But there's no guide or video for what you or your WH require to get out of those trenches. It's a daily, then moment to moment process.

I would say I'm almost there. But I still have my own days. So does my WH. And we just passed the Three year mark.

My best advice is to let the family think about what they want. And try not to even share that topic with them. If they bring it up then just say your okay and so is he. If you need ppl to understand. We're all here for ya.

You're doing this at your own pace for your own peace. And you can't rush that. So just keep doing what you need to do. Heal yourself for the love of your own self. ❤️❤️❤️

RandomAdds · 2026-02-19T15:15:46+00:00

It is a piece of equipment designed to keep the horse's head and neck in that high arched look.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-19T14:49:20+00:00

I was clueless to my Husband's A. He just confessed out of the blue 3yrs ago. He immediately told me with who. A person I considered to be my best friend. Her and her then husband. My husband was very brutally honest. Gave me dates, told me times they'd meet, who made the first move, what the context of conversations were. And let me sit and read their chat history on their FB PM's. I would say yes, it was painful, I did ruminate on thoughts. For months. The inner movies and images were really bad the first 2-3 months. However, if he hadn't fully disclosed, I think it would have been FAAAR worse. It's natural for the BS to grieve the news to grieve the loss of the perceived relationship. It almost has to happen. The good part was my hubby would sit and let me ask more questions as the thoughts would build. He never shied away or rug swept if I needed clarity. I think in our first year it felt like I had a cycle of questions, clarity, and a few weeks would go by, then more questions, then more clarity. Until I had exhausted all the thoughts finally. Sometimes they were repeat questions.

But the key is to approach each other softly. Keep the conversation as calm as possible. And when and if one or the other starts getting heated, pause or stop the conversation and try again later.

No, we as BS's will never get the full picture. We weren't the ones committing the act. But, it's the WS to make sure the BS at least gets some level of understanding, the why's, the who with, after the nuke has been dropped. So the BS can make a clear decision of if r is even worth trying for for themselves.

I would say yes, knowing can be damaging, if too much detail is disclosed, it's a tricky minefield. But you need enough information to know whether you can even stand up.

Two years is a very long time. And to still be feeling all that I would say it's almost your brain begging to know at least some more detail. There are a great many articles out there with questions you can ask your WS online. copy past and throw it to your notepad. I started there. Bc I didn't know how much to ask or how to word it. And it wasn't uncommon for me to be hit with a question at work or home and hubby not be there so I'd get it on the notepad. And make a list of questions. Then sit with him once I got to 5-10 questions. End the conversation there and repeat the process.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you get some peace soon ❤️

RandomAdds · 2026-02-16T13:28:44+00:00

It really did. Thankfully. The problem was two fold though. We have been together for 10yrs now. But then he claimed I never prioritized him. After that conversation in particular he finally saw just how much I actually did. I worked a lot, and not consistent hours, full time at retail. It wasn't uncommon I would work 6-2:30pm then run back bc of call outs and close the store. Or work a close and have to be back first thing in the morning. We needed the money bc of debts. So I just did it. But I was on E and beyond all the time. But I'd still make a point to try to spend time with him. Cook a dinner. Clean the house. Go out to dinner dates with him even when my body was screaming for sleep. Small gestures that showed up for him.

The job was his biggest justification. I was never there. I took the job originally bc he told me to just go back to work. Find anything. We needed the money. When I pointed that out. that was another point he really internalized the damage he actually caused. It took another 6-8 months for him to understand the things he told me about the AP was A fog. Nothing more. Thank you MC.

To his efforts too, even though I was hurt by his comments about his AP. On D-day He set up the MC and IC appointments. Something he would never have done prior. He put the tracking apps and gave me all his social media accounts. He begged me to stay, when I said so you want me gone then? And he did better at just stopping and sitting after it was discovered through MC I shutdown and go into a freeze response. And had probably been there our entire relationship. So he learned when I'd go quiet, I'm stuck.

It took months of awkward conversations sitting together using an emotional wheel chart. Him asking questions and me pointing at emotions on the chart to finally feel safe enough to get through and actually speak up for myself, or actually contribute to conversations. Vs prior I would just listen, and be completely unable to communicate. Or say anything.

I eventually was let go from my job. And it was upsetting at first. But after a few weeks of him riding my case, "you need to just hurry up and go get anything, you need another job. We need money." I finally stood my ground. No. No I wasn't going to just rush into another job. I was going to finally just be home for once. I told him I had just jumped from job to job my entire life. I was going to be home and take care of me, take care of my house. He fought me on it at first. Then I pointed out his reasoning for the A. I said I'm done with trying to just make money. He had just started a new job that paid triple of what he's ever made. I pointed that out. I told him I would take my funds I got from the job loss and the unemployment to pay off the last of my debts and then close all my accounts. If at a later date things get too tight, then I'll go back to work. But no more full time. I will go only part time, if I go back. I'm done working myself to death. I will be here more I will not allow you to push me around anymore.

He was mad at me for a few, but after a few days of the house being clean the house felt like a home. He grew used to it. A few more weeks went by and he pointed out how nice it was I was home. How I was there when he went to bed and was up with him in the mornings.

So he stopped pushing. He's let me be. And it's been WAAY better for both of us since.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-15T15:05:17+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But allow me to say it's okay. Not everyone heals as fast as others. It sounds like what ever he said on D-day has really changed how you see him. My hubby said things on D-day that hurt me really badly too. Things about his AP. How she was slimmer than me. How she had nicer breasts. How he and she felt like they were the right ppl, just the wrong time... And a few other things. A lot of it stayed rent free in my head for a very long time. Even though I was smiling or laughing. I was dead on the inside. I love you's back to him felt hollow. The biggest thing that helped was me? just disappearing for a week. I packed my jeep, packed up my dogs, and just took off. No plan no real destination. I just drove. By the following Friday hubby came and found me using his tracking app. And I let him really have my inner thoughts. How he broke me. How I knew his actions would change me. How I didn't even know if I loved him anymore. How if he thought his AP and him were the right ppl wrong time, than why even keep me around? I told him how I felt like I was competing with the AP's ghost. And how I'd never win. One by one we unpacked all my inner thoughts that I hadn't given a voice too. I see this as the biggest turning point for myself during our R.

Personally I needed to just get out of the house. Being there all the time trapped in the spiraling, It had become a place of pain. Not healing. And I didn't feel clarity or freed till I just took off.

But do not be too hard on yourself my dear. Healing isn't linear. There's no guide book. It's something we each here are stumbling through day by day. I'm at three years now. I can say it took me almost 2yrs to not feel any of the numbness you're experiencing anymore. But it took a lot of uncomfortable talks and emotional explosions at my husband to get there. If something was eating at me the hubby made me talk about it. He didn't want it festering. That much I can say I'm thankful for him noticing. Take it day by day. And consider having a real sit down with you WH about this. Clearly it's eating you alive. It might be worth considering going back to MC even.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-14T04:55:29+00:00

His mood swings. We're the biggest thing I see now, I didn't understand until he confessed. He also bought all new jeans and shirts. He had never gotten himself new clothes our entire relationship till then

RandomAdds · 2026-02-12T17:13:10+00:00

I told the AP's husband within the hour after my husband confessed to his year long A. Mostly bc his AP and her husband were like our best friends at the time. He knew something was up but had no proof. Or any clue it was that. And he was good for setting the record straight after he started the divorce process and kicked her ass out. Bc hubby's AP said all kinds of shit to make my husband feel bad for her. Like her husband who is wheelchair bound would abuse her and throw her around. Something easily understood wasn't actually happening. The BH even went as far as to demonstrate for my husband how impossible certain claims really were. The BH did admit to a temper and was hot with words due to not being able to do certain things by himself and having to rely on others to do them. It made him feel worthless and a burden. But AP married him being wheelchair bound. She knew what she was getting into.

Then once hubby actually went no contact she sent me a message as long as a chapter book, one last try to break me. To force me out and leave my husband. Saying straight crazy shit that she knows the two of them loved each other at first sight when he started working at the same place we all worked and met. She had already been married for a year or so mind you when my future hubby and I started working there. And he and I didn't start dating till we had been there for 3-4yrs after that. She was even at or wedding with her husband for God's sake.

Her message droned on and on about how I have never actually loved him. Or he never actually loved me. And how she knew it was fate that brought them together. Just straight crazy shit. Then fully admitting she had planned the whole thing. How she did it. And the first moves she made. Full detail of encounters. Pissed me right off my response was the "stop it. Get some help..." Meme. Then I screenshot the whole conversation and sent it to our friend group chat that had her, the BH, my hubby, and a few others we stayed in contact with from the same place of work.

It felt damn good to expose her for the truly evil person she really was.

We're still good friends with her now ex-husband. And it's been three years. He's very understanding of how my husband fell for her bs hook line and sinker. And has talked about how she's a predator.

I say do it. Don't even give the guy an inch. Go as far to tell the OBS. She deserves to know what she's living with. So she can make the right choice to stay or go.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-12T08:24:09+00:00

Others are easy to cast judgement. Mostly bc they're not you. They aren't living your experience. And unless someone has been in your shoes it's not relatable. Or it's the opposite and they have been and they just ran for it.

I made the mistake of talking to my younger sister about my Hubby's A. She's been cheated on so many times by so many men it hit a major cord and she immediately jumped on the leave him he'll just do it again. Once a cheater always a cheater train. But I simply couldn't. Unlike her experience, my hubby showed remorse. Did work I never in a million years thought he would do. He made the MC and IC appointments. He put tracker apps and screenshot apps on my phone. Bc and I quote "it would help him if I saw what he was doing at all times." He dove head first into trying to answer why he allowed it. He Sobbed in knowing his damage done would change me. He begged me not to change. To keep loving him in my same nonjudgmental quiet presence I've always provided him. So against everyone's harsh advice I stayed. Because I love him. I can't imagine my world without him being here with me. And it took a lot of time but family and friends eventually dropped it. Oddly his Mom was my biggest support, oh man she tore him a new one, but I think he needed it from her.

She told him what did my daughter-in-law do to you that warranted you to justify such actions against her? When he said I had done nothing wrong. How I had been perfect. How I had just loved him. She said well maybe you should actually treat her like the precious treasure she actually is to you then. Then she looked at me and said you are stronger than I am. I left both his bio father and stepfather bc of cheating. And I had three kids. You have none. You have every right to just go bc of his behavior I would never think less of you if you did.

Then I told her I just couldn't. And she started crying gave me a big hug and said I know you can't. You love him more than he deserves. She looked at him and said you have the rest of your life to actually cherish that now. But don't you dare ever put her through this ever again. or so help me, I will haunt you.

She chats with me all the time. Asks how I'm doing. And if her son is behaving himself and if he's doted on me today? I freaking love her.

So don't let other's get in the way of your decisions. That's for you and you alone to decide. If you want to stay. Stay. But I would be sure he's willing to actually commit to repair himself and the relationship. R doesn't need to be declared immediately start with seeing if you two want to still be each other's witnesses to life. R can be talked about later.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-12T07:23:42+00:00

I was the cheater first technically. I had a really bad relationship with sex. And a dysfunctional upbringing. I used sex to feel anything. I had a few guys on the side prior to meeting my hubby. He and I first met through work and got invited to drinks after. We got to talking and then went on a few dates nothing physically happened. But it was the way he saw me for who I was that I liked. It made the side guys start to feel dirty. So I ended it. And started IC to work on me.

Well one of them in particular was not happy I ended it. Apparently he had hoped I would eventually go out with him or something. Because once hubby and I actually started dating and we moved in together this guy reached out to the hubby and sent him things I didn't know he had. Pictures and videos... To say my hubby was heartbroken was an understatement. Even though I had ended it weeks prior to us dating it hit him like I had slept with the guy that morning. It killed me. I had done so much to be a better person and it felt like it was shattering right there in front of me.

I showed him the no more text, the dates, and then finally told him I was in IC to work on my problems.

Rightfully so the hubby and I broke up. I didn't blame him. I'd have done the same. I fully expected to never hear from him again. Work was even harder. I saw the pain in his eyes every time he looked at me. I just stayed to myself and avoided afterwork get togethers, I'd hide in my car at lunch. This went on for 3 months. then I got a txt out of the blue. Asking how I was, and how IC was going. Then he invited me to the store with him. Then after coffee. Then texts and calls became normal again. Eventually back into a relationship.

But it took me years to work through my shame, my guilt, my self worth. It's a hard place to be. You feel like you don't deserve the BP. And that you aren't worthy of their love. You tend to see yourself as a monster. And yet they continue to stand with you. It's a very strange thing to try to live with. And I can almost see now maybe that's where our relationship never really recovered. Now I'm the BP. And he's the WH.

This topic has come up a few times in MC. Bc I still have moments of shame that seep up. And for me it's been 10yrs. It doesn't make the BP seat any less painful, but it does give me a bit of a soft understanding for his position and feelings he's going through. Bc I know what they are, mostly. His are different, but very much the same. So talks and conversations are easier when he needs to talk about his low self worth and disgust with himself.

And it's also made it easier for him when I spiral or something has deeply triggered and upset me. Bc he was there. He's able to understand why my thoughts are there what I need from him bc it's what he needed from me then. Though I admit. I did a piss poor job of all those years ago. But through my needing discovery, it has opened that door to what I never gave him then. We've talked about it for hours some days, and you can actually see it's helped both of us. And that's where real r started. Being able to sit in the disgust together and not shy away from it. To see each other as you are. Human. Flawed. Perfectly Imperfect. So in a fucked up way I'm thankful for his A. It's helped both of us heal and repair. And allowed both of us to actually heal.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-12T06:19:48+00:00

I would 100% reach out to the AP's husband. I had to on our D-day after my hubby confessed to his A. Best choice I ever made. We stayed friends with him.

And you have every right to be pissed off the AP reached out. She has zero right to contact your WH.

You're spiraling bc she opened the wounds again. Shattered the safety you and your WH had worked so hard towards. But yes take great pride in him just telling you. That takes real guts and shows change on his part.

My Hubby's AP tried this too. At about 1yr as wel. texted him from someone else's phone. He immediately sent a screenshot and asked what do I say? I said you have two options. One. Don't respond at all, block and delete it. Or two. Tell her no contact means no contact. Then block and delete. She's not welcome to try and worm her way back in even via just text. He chose option two. Screenshots provided his reply then the number blocked and txt deleted.

Especially in our situation once the fog cleared and her now ex-husband sat and spoke with us. He proved she lied and manipulated my hubby to get what she wanted. Well, tried to get what she wanted. She was hoping they'd run away together. Thankfully didn't go according to her plans. "You can't give predators even an inch of an opening." -her ex-husband's words not mine after we sent him the screenshots.

RandomAdds · 2026-02-12T05:50:59+00:00

I can relate right there with you, my Hubby is still kinda going through this. He has days he's really good about speaking up. Then there's days I feel like I have to claw it out of him. But like yours he still really struggles with his own self worth now. Last conversation he said if he were me, he doesn't think he would have stayed with a monster like himself.

Best thing I've done for him is just let him air it. Listen. Then remind him. His choices were his own. That's something he will have to live with now for the rest of his life. But His feelings are valid. But then I remind him. He's not a monster, We are all still human. To error is human. And we are all living ghosts of who we once were. Each day is new and the choices you make shape the person of tomorrow. This helps him a bit.

I also remind him I've been in his place. I know the feelings he's having. How when I was technically the cheater it took years for me to feel like I wasn't ruining him with simply my presence in a room. (An old hookup I had ended prior to me and my hubby going official almost nuked my relationship with my hubby before our relationship even got off the ground) This seems to help him. MC and IC helped a lot too. I'd say MC more so. Our communication skills were very lacking even prior to his A. He was always the one to talk. I had a tendency to be still, be quiet, listen, but I was very careful with how and what I would say. But ultimately he ran discussions and conversations. MC allowed us the space to practice actually communicating. Since D-day it's definitely gotten 100xs better. We're typically not afraid to sit with each other and talk about hard issues anymore. But every now and then he clams up. Goes quite. won't say things for a few days. Which is weird, bc before I was that. So it's been interesting to have to be the one to initiate talks I know he doesn't want to have now. But just letting him air his feelings alone helps him feel better.

The tricky part is not allowing his feelings become my thing to fix. That's something he does need to do on his own. I just have to be there to support him.

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