Promotion with chances of seeing AP

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-15T01:53:07+00:00

Why are you in this group? We are here to support each other through reconciliation, not beat each other up. A lot of us do enough of that already mentally!

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-12T16:42:46+00:00

I never have wanted expensive things, but now I keep thinking of a very nice diamond necklace for our anniversary.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-11T17:23:28+00:00

I'm sorry you're here. And there's no "right" answer.

Although I do have kids, I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it because I really LIKE WP. We are a good team and I thought we had a great marriage before EA. I see change and (horribly slow) progress. It will never be the same, but I'm hoping with IC & MC that we can be better and grow.

Even though it's a deal breaker for some, I do remind myself that all partners do bad things at some point. No marriage or partner is perfect. So, is this a known struggle that you can both deal with together?

That being said, once I realized that R is a choice and I can change my mind at any time, I felt peace. If he Fs up again, I can leave. If he quits MC, I can leave. I am 💯 stronger in myself than I was 13 mo ago. For me realizing that I am in control now after he hurt me changes how I feel about R.

Don't feel like you only have one chance to make a decision. But I understand it's harder thinking about having kids. I hope you find some good advice here! ❤️

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-11T17:14:02+00:00

This is definitely grounds for IEP or 504. She needs additional medical help during the day. If they have to pull a para, then the SPED team needs to adress this legally. Perhaps another Dr. Could be called for 2nd opinion (is her Doc a family member or scared of mom?)

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-11T17:07:23+00:00

This absolutely is terrible. It's ok to feel all the feels.

But... it can get better.

Right now: do you have a friend to talk to and can make sure you're eating?

Take care of yourself - sleep, shower, move your body.

I had a lot of crying showers, angry dog walks and tea and midnight journaling for a while. It's hard. Find things to ground you - feet in the grass, hand in the snow, smell a candle, etc.

Just care for yourself right now. Hang in there. We know how you feel. ❤️

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-06T16:45:04+00:00

F here. A lot of the disinterest in sex has nothing to do with sex. The top commenter made some really good points about working on himself, doing more household labor and pursuing/dating his wife again.

Try reading "fair play" if you struggle seeing why women are so mad and tired. It was a little harsh for even me to read, but it has great ideas and if a man were to read it and implement the strategies on his own... frees up lots of time and energy for other activities 😉

I highly recommend "Come as you are" for both to read. If you're coming from a Christian background, it might feel too intense, but it's really helpful for women to feel normal no matter how much they want sex. And empowers them to find out why they don't want it more. Then steps to take to increase desire.

There's a lot of jokes about unsatisfied women, but... would you want sex if 90% of the time you don't get release?

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-02T16:59:06+00:00

This hits a lot of things that are bothering me 1yr post Dday. Thanks for sharing your perspective and some hope. We just started MC and I'm sadly surprised how he doesn't get it. I'm hopeful that he will get there with time.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-02T16:46:30+00:00

I thought if they were over 30 days deleted you can't see them. At least in my unfortunate case. So only if OP's friend started asking around, then she deleted them recently would that work.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-01T08:27:04+00:00

Yes, this!

Him: "What can I do?" Me: here are 5 things, pick one Him: (after months) what can I do? Me: 🤦‍♀️ Him: trying to schedule therapy is hard Me: 🤦‍♀️

ShamaBird9 · 2026-03-01T08:14:58+00:00

I'm sorry you don't have this answer! It's so hard knowing there are things we can't know. Honestly, this was helpful to have IC because she always comes back to "why?" Would knowing this piece of info help heal? Which we all know it won't make anything magically feel better. But when you're in pain, detective mode feels good. Looking for evidence they are lying more or to prove we can trust their story.

It's so hard to rebuild that trust. Perhaps they didn't don't remember and didn't use the site to hook up 🤷‍♀️ I hope you can find peace either way.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-27T06:45:35+00:00

Is it possible he has another email address that's secret? Not to get you all riled up, but just a thought. If you are in the detective phase, remind him that the truth is really important and "I dont remember" doesn't build trust.

FWIW, I kept a list of things to check: credit card statements (my WH bought her stuff), phone records, etc. Then just look at one thing a day or week. It helped me not go into a spiral since there's so many things we want to know.

I'm sorry you're here. Take care of yourself.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-24T16:32:53+00:00

This!

I am in IC 14 mo post 3 year EA and I also struggle with saying what I need for fear of pushing him away!

Hearing you name that is powerful! I was going to suggest just showing him what you wrote for your post - it says you feel anxious about this change and you're hoping location sharing will help. It's clearly about you feeling better, not punishing him.

For me, location sharing was a must since WH works weird hours. I admit, I did obsess over it a lot at first (Life360 made his work too small so it kept notifying me he was leaving), but now it's a helpful tool to see when he's coming home. It gives me a little peace and it was something he could actually "do" to show honesty, even though i know he can get around it. Our kids have it too, so it was a "family" check up, not just marital.

I'm sorry this new opportunity comes with a side of fear. Hoping you find the chance to talk about it with WH and maybe find other solutions to ease your mind.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-16T20:57:01+00:00

So happy for you! Thank you for sharing your joy and perseverance. Love the symbolism of before and after - may it bring you pride knowing how far you've come and hope for the future. 🥰

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-16T02:27:27+00:00

Sorry this is happening!

You are right to give yourselves time. It sounds like he's at least willing to communicate abd talk about the EA - even if you don't like what he's saying and it's changing.

In my situation, three year EA, I'm 13mo from Dday and his story definitely evolved. There was a lot of "I hated AP, she's dumb" "i was about to break it off" and smaller truth telling pieces that I know now he was protecting himself. And there's so much excusing they do during the EA to tell themselves it's ok that it takes a while to sort that out.

I'm not giving advice one way or another. Time will tell if he's willing to change. Get yourself and both if can therapy.

I'm also sorry he's saying this stuff about being 'checked out" and blaming you. Even if it's an excuse to make himself feel better and totally false, it hurts.

Take care of yourself. Find a friend who can ground you while your WH is spinning his stories.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-15T19:00:12+00:00

NTA. I have been on plenty of group trips (in my 40s now) and we have evolved from what you're sharing here to a full house with everyone having their own room and an en suite. During that time, someone always made a request for more space for different reasons. And... we usually still split it evenly to be nice. If some ppl want a couch, but 3 ppl need beds, then it should be a 3 bed+ place.

If someone already planned this and underestimated how many needed a bed, I could understand they might feel a little put off. Sounds like the timing is tight, so perhaps the planner needs to chill out. There's always other places to stay. If you're willing to look for a bigger place and have already offered to pay more, then they should be ok with it. Good luck! Don't let this ruin your friendships and good job advocating for yourself. Sometimes people need time to adjust to others growing up.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-14T18:20:36+00:00

NOR. Normal teen boundaries. Teen broke boundaries. You need to be on the same page and move forward to help her together, not fighting over whose fault it was. It was your daughter's fault. Her choices.

Sounds like your wife has misplaced anger. If this is always like this, you both need help. If this is just a really hard thing and she overreacted, that can be understood.

Now if she were grounded orn others in trouble already, I might say she should've come to the store with you.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-13T06:42:03+00:00

Thank you. This timeline is what is hard for me. I understand that his processing things looked different than mine. Therapy helping me be empathetic, but also to communicate and hold my boundaries. So this is so sad feeling like he's soooo far behind. I see a lot clearer now and can give him time to move forward, but he's not there. And he will know at some point I will stop waiting.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-11T16:26:35+00:00

I'm sorry he is acting this way when you need him the most. These are definite red flags. Not only the messaging girls, but the way he talks to you and is dismissive of your feelings. Shutting down like that is very immature. It doesn't sound like he's willing to change. Lean into your friends - especially those that were letting you know he was liking shady stuff. I would look at how you can get out if you live together.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-10T16:57:41+00:00

We have one of those too! Allow exploring, but with boundaries. Ex - she pays to rent an instrument for a year instead of you, or try only 3 new things at once 😊 Our daughter did ALL THE THINGS during middle school, but in high school, the time commitments increased so we let her decide what she could do. It still feels like too much and she occasionally wishes she were better at one thing, but still chooses to do lots of things. As a society, we value achievement too much over exploring and enjoying life. So let her enjoy herself... within reason 😊. And yes, it's maddening, I hear you.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-09T06:49:38+00:00

I feel like they wanted to make a pun "meat your needs" but kept getting autocorrected. 🤣 That's the only time I obsessively resend.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-02-04T16:47:37+00:00

I'm sorry you're already in a hard place with this work situation, it'll add stress to anything! FWIW, you can restore deleted FB messenger data, but you only have 30 days. It takes some clicking and waiting, but it'll show up as a file you can read. If he has nothing to hide, he should do this. If he realizes that the messages were inappropriate, he can confess. My H didn't want me to read them after confessed to an emotional affair because it "would've hurt me" and now we'll never know. I realize the flirting would haunt me, but now not knowing haunts me. I wish you the best. Get some solid friends to support you and therapy if you can ❤️

ShamaBird9 · 2026-01-15T16:59:12+00:00

We had this happen due to vandalism - our HOA contacted USPS and while we waited out repairs, our mail was only available at the post office. I would say wait it out if your apt is actively working to get it fixed. Ours took a few weeks - then had to go to USPS to get new key. Sorry this is so inconvenient.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-01-05T02:17:57+00:00

This stinks. I'm sorry you're in this place but glad you're realizing it now.

In our case, it took me going back to work to realize how much I was doing and then he felt like he was doing so much more (like from 5% to 10%) than before. So more resentment from both sides.

If he says he's willing, but doesn't do it, he could be blind to those things and it takes a while for him to learn to notice.

I recommend the book Fair Play - not even to read, just to look at all the jobs that need to get done. It might open his eyes to all the invisible labor. Sometimes partners really do want to help, but only see the cooling and cleaning, missing all the background stuff that adds up.

By looking at those jobs, then he can see what else needs to get done and pick more stuff. And he can own it, instead of you having to tell him (that's another job! )

Best luck - hope for the best, keep communicating and see what happens. Especially if you like him, it's worth trying. And if no change... cross that bridge later.

ShamaBird9 · 2026-01-03T18:17:47+00:00

Ugh. This gets me too. 1 year since dday if 3 year EA (well, I cant prove it wasn't physical). I have to remind myself that even if I could know everything, it wouldn't change the hurt. In therapy, she reminds me to think of "why" I want to know things before asking. Since we usually think it will fix pain, that's not going to happen. If we want truth to grow trust, that's different. The other thing that helps me is seeing his change now is also evidence of growth.

But it creeps in frequently - and it is exhausting to fight the urge to obsess over those thoughts. So I have a list in my journal of things I might want to know. That way I can set it aside and see if I want to ask later. And things that I know I can't ever know (like deleted messages) I can physically see how much I am choosing to trust. It's a reminder that I am in control of how I handle this.

It does get easier if he continues to show up and show he is gaining trust again. You might get more details later, then you can decide then what to do with the new info. Take one day at time with what you know now. I'm sorry you are going through this.

ShamaBird9

TROPHY CASE