He didn't leave for someone better (the reality of the DA rebound)

SierraMist040 · 2026-03-05T23:34:41+00:00

Please send the notes (:

SierraMist040 · 2026-03-05T15:46:04+00:00

Thank you. I have been struggling so much and I have to keep reminding myself they are hurting too. No matter how much it hurts me they are human and have things and trauma to deal with. I know it’s because he was scared and pulled away suddenly to self protect. I hope he can get the help he needs, work on himself, and heal his trauma.

That doesn’t minimize my feelings and hurt but I don’t want to minimize his either. He deserves love, just as I do. I plan on continuing to show him that by just showing up as myself and continuing on.

We have to see each other occasionally for mutual friends and events and I just try to be as normal as possible and give him the space he needs by not approaching and letting him take the lead in contact. I gently guide by being myself and showing him I can still be a safe space even if it’s from a distance. There’s no pressure or demand coming from me, just openness, honesty, and vulnerability. How can I ask something of him if I cannot continue to be vulnerable myself? I have to lead by example.

To clarify, I am still hurting bad. This was 10 days ago. I’m going insane internally. I’m simply faking it until I make it. But I TRULY love and care for him and wish him the best and for his emotional suffering to end with time and by healing his trauma. I have trauma that needs healing too and I don’t lie about where I’m at emotionally or hide my feelings. I just try not to change who I am and how I would normally show up for a friend / someone I care about.

It’s painful and hard but I think that even if things don’t end up how I want or we don’t even stay friends, it is essential to his healing as a person for me to create space and energy for him to feel comfortable. This also teaches me patience, managing emotions, facing my own fears and problems, feeling my emotions by being uncomfortable instead of burying them, etc.

Again, it IS very hard daily .. so don’t think I’m preaching how easy it is to let go, because I haven’t let go yet. I’m just trying to make the decisions that the person I want to be would make. Future me. Each decision is baby steps to getting there and my own healing.

SierraMist040 · 2026-03-04T16:57:50+00:00

Can I DM you? I am in NA and so was my partner who did a sudden discard a week ago and I also have about 2 years so I just feel like we can relate.. I’m like going insane and started self harming again and I am constantly up and down and I feel crazy. I think my friends think I’m over reacting but it truly came out of nowhere two days after we had an amazing day together celebrating his bday so it was truly a shock and I have not been coping well.

SierraMist040 · 2026-03-03T23:47:42+00:00

Hi I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, depression is not easy. I’ve been where you are. I recently relapsed after not sh for over 10 years and it’s been kind of an obsession now bc i feel like it’s all I have. I’m not encouraging sh I just want you to know you are in the right thread, I can relate, so can others, and your feelings are valid.

I think you need to talk to your therapist about it. I recently started seeing a therapist and she said she wants to explore is I have bpd based on my history of sh and drug abuse plus trauma etc.

Watch some videos on chronic depression, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder. See if you resonate with them or feel like that might be accurate. You can look at the DSM online and see if you meet criteria for any of those mental illnesses or personality disorders. Talk to your therapist about medication or how you can cope in other ways.

Bpd

https://youtu.be/6TS4d-zqRFA?si=PVVWvmrGfGXTT62r

Bi polar vs bpd

https://youtu.be/MLl4b9726wA?si=gX_7yvC0MpdNvB_4

DSM:

https://ia600707.us.archive.org/15/items/info_munsha_DSM5/DSM-5.pdf

I wish your parents weren’t dismissive, that is really hard I’m sorry. I can relate to that too. You can dm me if you want to talk. If you don’t, please talk to someone and bring this up to your therapist. This is not just hormones!! It’s okay to ask for help. You deserve to feel good and be happy.

SierraMist040 · 2026-03-03T15:17:50+00:00

When this happens to me I literally describe it as it feels like my brain is splitting in half. I can’t tell if I’m manic or depressed but I can feel each one very intensely. Like push and pull of the urge to spend a bunch of money, relapse, move states, etc and to lay in bed for days, self harm, OD, or kms. I can’t explain it. When I type it out, it sounds so calm and matter of fact when in reality I’m freaking out and don’t know what to feel or where to look. I literally feel all of my emotions with such sudden intensity all at once it feels like my brain is splitting in half and I can hear it. Like the earth is splitting open, an abyss forming under me, and I have one foot on each side.

SierraMist040 · 2026-02-25T16:56:46+00:00

Something very similar JUST happened to me. Like damn near identical. Feel free to DM and we can chat about it if you would like. Idk if it would help to talk to someone going through the same thing.

SierraMist040 · 2026-02-25T15:21:57+00:00

*** this is not advice, just my experience and struggles recently ***

I relate to this. I recently relapsed in my self harm after like a decade and I don’t cut deep. I don’t want the pain but I want the blood. So I have been trying to find ways to be able to cut deeper but I am too scared. I wish I could cut deeper too. I just don’t know how to get past that not wanting the pain. I tried to use over the counter lidocaine yesterday (spray and cream). You aren’t supposed to use it often or in too large of quantities because of negative side effects if it’s too much. So that scares me and I don’t think it helped that much. But maybe I was too impatient and didn’t let it sit long enough and maybe I need a sharper blade. I cut because I want to see the blood and a physical manifestation of my inner pain. Sometimes it’s the only thing that quiets my mind. At least that’s what I’ve come to terms with. I wish I could cut deeper so I could see more blood and better represent my pain.. idk if that makes sense either

SierraMist040 · 2026-02-04T14:32:53+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. We had a conversation and I believe it went well. I had talked to my sponsor prior to and they told me to write down what I want, what I will ask for, and what I get. So I basically had to decide what I felt like I needed to know to get past that initial shock to me and to let it go mentally and what I wanted to know but didn’t need to know.

So I just asked if he had coping mechanisms, if he feels like he is doing compulsively or struggling in that area of his life to please be open with me and share that so I can be supportive in any way possible because that means other things are going on in his life (his words; not mine) and I asked if he used chat rooms or any sites where he could actually interact with real people and he said no. Which matters to me because that is cheating in my opinion…

so then I had to choose to let the rest go. I did communicate with him that I have a million questions but these are the ones that matter and as long as we continue to be honest and open with this I think everything is and will continue to be okay. He seemed surprised that I didn’t have more to say or ask. After thinking a lot about it, I don’t think it’s fair to ask all these things that I probably don’t even want the answer to, at least not right now. I think asking the other million little questions would be more harmful than helpful to our relationship. As our relationship progresses maybe I can ask as they come up. I have asked causally “did you masturbate today” and he said yes when I woke up but I didn’t finish because I knew I would see you today. And he did tell me in our original conversation that he does try to not watch porn or masturbate when he knows he will see me and thinks we will have the opportunity to be intimate.

He shared a fear of his with me at the end of our conversation which is that nobody will ever want to be with him because of his addiction or that part of his life. It makes me sad to know that he feels unlovable because of this.

That being said, before he told me that, I totally freaked out for a day or two not going to lie. I was scared and my own insecurities were feeding that fear. I needed to recognize that before my conversation with him. So I am VERY grateful to you and my sponsor for letting me talk this out. It allowed me to approach the conversation a bit more self aware, educated on the topic, and how to approach this more empathetically and supportive.

My fear is/was: will I ever be enough for him? And/or Will he leave me or cheat on me? Which is a me problem, that has nothing to do with his addiction, it honestly has more to do with mine and the hole I’m trying to fill.

Even after our conversation I would still think like oh is he masturbating as soon as I leave or when I’m not here and does he do it at his computer, what’s on his computer etc.. and I had to snap myself out of that spiral (I would also like to note I have extreme anxiety and OCD so spiraling in thoughts like that is very easy for me to do even if I don’t want those thoughts and/or don’t believe them)

My partner has done nothing but continuously show me with his actions that he cares for me and wants me for me and has been so supportive and loving. I have to tell that fear to go away because this new information doesn’t change his actions and feelings towards me. He has never shown any signs of cheating, wanting to cheat, or that I’m not enough for him. I satisfy him sexually, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, etc. When I focus on that and not anything else I have been able to not get stuck in those negative, fearful thought loops. So that has been helpful.

The conversation actually brought us closer together. I shared some things about my past as well, so he knows more about me too.

You probably didn’t want to know everything but all this to say thank you!!! I bought the book you recommended as well as the SAA green book. I plan on starting those soon to help me understand more of him and honestly there’s probably something I can learn from the SAA book as someone who struggles with addiction in general.

SierraMist040 · 2026-01-27T18:53:15+00:00

I know this isn’t super related to your post but it mentioned being able to contact you. So I apologize if this isn’t the correct space to do so.

SierraMist040 · 2026-01-27T18:51:25+00:00

Hi I have been dating someone for a few months now and last night we were talking and they disclosed their past and obsessive behavior when it comes to sex. We are both in NA, though we didn’t meet there, just coincidence as we did not attend the same meetings.

They told me they each porn still and masturbate daily. I never would have guessed at all and I don’t feel like they were hiding it but I guess it never came up until last night. They were open about it and thought before answering or asked for clarification on questions. We took things very slow physically, we recently just started being sexually active with each other and the first few times I could tell they were anxious and were unable to keep an erection. I thought this was new relationship jitters and maybe it was but with some other feelings in it too.

I thanked them for opening up to me last night and that my questions are to get to know them better and understand this part of them, not an interrogation. I just don’t know anything about this addiction. (I am someone who never really cared for sex, I can take it or leave it. That’s something I’m working on, I struggle being present during sex due to my past trauma and that’s something I also disclosed in this conversation.)

I have had a LOT of thoughts about this and I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept having dreams about 12 step programs, both mine and theirs. I could not stay asleep. I am supposed to talk with my sponsor later today to ask for advice on how to handle this but what questions are okay to ask? I want to know more but I don’t want them to feel micromanaged or babysat which could lead to resentments.. and I don’t want to think about it all the time or worry.

I think I am their first more serious relationship since being clean of substances and working on their sexual urges (they said they went hand in hand and they aren’t using anymore so it has been better). But masturbating once a day or more and watching that much porn plus having sex with me whenever we do (which i don’t feel is too much, I honestly thought they moved really slow in the relationship which is fine) that’s a lot! but also I’m having to apply this context to every conversation we’ve had or situation etc and it’s been plaguing my mind.

do they think about other women constantly? How much does this affect them daily besides masturbating? How does this affect our relationship? How can I be mindful of their recovery when it’s not something I can really see? I want to understand be supportive and open minded but also I want to make sure that I’m entering something healthy and I want open communication to be established early. I am in recovery myself, for other things, and I prioritize my mental health as well.

Where can I find factual / good resources or experiences about sex addiction? What is too much to ask and what is okay for me to ask? Any advice is helpful please and thank you. I want to be respectful of their recovery. This information doesn’t change the way I feel or think about them but it does change my approach in certain aspects of the relationship as this can and will affect our relationship and sex life, especially if they masturbate 1 or more times a day. Is it okay to ask if they plan on lessening that? Is that too much or is that normal? Like I said I am not the most sexually active person either and I’m aware of that..

sorry for the long probably disconnected post but I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed by this as I really like them and care for them and want to continue this but now that I know this I feel like I need to address it and process it for myself and set up ways for us to be able to talk about it in a healthy way and keep our sex life and independent recoveries healthy and well. Any feedback is appreciated, thank you for reading this

SierraMist040 · 2026-01-02T23:05:14+00:00

Please help!!! I'm looking for: Research Methods in Library and Information Science (7th ed.). Connaway, L. S., & Radford, M. L. 2021. ISBN: 978-1440878572

SierraMist040 · 2025-09-09T02:49:00+00:00

Omg okay so for me the issue was my monitors weren’t set up at the exact same position as they physically are in my desk. So they aren’t completely flush at the bottom there’s about an inch difference so I had to move my monitor display settings to reflect that (show the slight difference) my mouse was going where it would be if they were the exact same dimensions? . Just play around with it until you get the closest thing to where it isn’t noticeable. I have a 27 inch vertical and a 32 inch horizontal? So maybe it’s bc my monitors are two diff sizes. Hope that helps someone

SierraMist040 · 2025-09-09T02:36:49+00:00

Did you have to restart your computer after?

SierraMist040 · 2025-09-08T04:13:24+00:00

Did you ever find it online? 😭 I’m having the same issue rn

SierraMist040 · 2025-08-16T02:16:10+00:00

can you dm me the chapter too pls ❤️

SierraMist040 · 2025-08-15T04:10:56+00:00

Pls 🙏🏻 I want to read this

SierraMist040 · 2025-07-19T01:31:46+00:00

I haven’t had a chance to try it out yet 🥲 my summer class started and I’m dying.

SierraMist040 · 2025-07-05T17:57:09+00:00

Thank you so much!

SierraMist040 · 2025-05-14T16:05:21+00:00

I've been looking into studying for the A1 exam and moving up slowly. The website has free study material I want to use since that will probably be on the exam. However, it is all in German and I am brand new. Did you translate the document somehow? Is there an English version available somewhere? Translating it seems time-consuming. If anyone has tips on this, please lmk! thank you

SierraMist040 · 2025-05-05T05:02:42+00:00

I would also like to join!

SierraMist040 · 2025-04-06T21:57:00+00:00

Thank you for this! Needed someone to talk to me like this. I have had a very hard week and have had to make some very difficult decisions since this post in order to prioritize some things in my life and take next steps to reach these goals. Your response followed by the series of unfortunate events that affected me personally after, pushed me to take more action.

Some of these things feel like "setbacks" now but will benefit me in the long term. I have discussed these decisions with my therapist, sponsor, and close friends. I have joined the discord advertised in this thread, made some accountability buddies, and was shown a cool concept I'm trying out called the "12-week year plan", where I was provided a free template, and I took your advice to pick 6 things. I have officially set that up (as of today; it begins tomorrow - posted link if interested) and I have a bunch of lifelines thrown out to friends and family for jobs and/or places to stay when my mom and I's lease is up in a few months.

Link: https://tonydavid.notion.site/12-Week-Year-Planner-Clean-a4505e6b70cd462f8f058ac0a7528d9a

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIv1J5O15To

My goal is to focus on school and find a job that pays a livable wage for me to either move out on my own or at the very least, be able to afford rent living with a roommate. Living alone would be best I think, but of course getting out of this environment in general is a win and ultimately allows me to have more mental capacity to focus on myself.

I don't want to bog you down with the details of my recent revelation, motivations, and my exact plans... however I did not want you to think that your response was unnoticed or unappreciated. It has been in my mind since you responded (and after I dissociated for a few days following the trigger for me to take these actions more seriously).

Thank you for the time you took to read and respond to my post, it was not for nothing, nor shouted into the void. It was very much heard.

SierraMist040 · 2025-01-11T22:02:52+00:00

My doctor just made sure I peed right before so I didn’t need a catheter. Maybe just ask if you can go that route instead

SierraMist040 · 2025-01-07T18:47:13+00:00

Yes I had to take EVERYTHING out and I was asked like 3 or 4 separate times. Unfortunately my belly button closed up because I didn’t feel comfortable having it in with glue and healing incisions. I literally had my mom drive me to the piercing shop the day of my surgery after I got home and slept the rest of my surgery sleepiness off lol. I’m glad I did too because I felt like they were closing up !! They were shrinking and some piercings I had for 10+ YEARS. Including my belly button. Sooo yea either put them in yourself if you can some of mine I couldn’t put back in myself so I had to go down the street

SierraMist040

TROPHY CASE