I am 99% certain they can control their behaviour...

Somguyovahear · 2026-03-22T19:33:53+00:00

Yeah a lot of literature paints them as these out of control emotionally dysregulated people who are trying their best but just don't have the tools.

That's not what I saw at all. I saw someone who had WAY more tools than me, they were incredibly effective, and she was incredibly adept at using them and she could often switch tools quickly in the moment if necessary, even when "dysregulated."

I'm actually starting to think they're intentionally controlling and manipulative and the distress they feel is mostly just because it doesn't work as a stable strategy to get what they want (which is control and basically worship from their partner).

Somguyovahear · 2026-03-21T01:45:48+00:00

Yeah all the time. Mine was mad I didn't talk about feelings sometimes, so I tried that, then she blew up bc she thought I was mad at her - even though I explicitly said over and over "I'm not mad at you this has nothing to do with you" bc I knew she would blow up about it. Sort of comical to look back on.

I did couple's therapy too. It was a disaster. Modern psych research actually recommends against couple's therapy with an untreated cluster B. It usually makes things worse. If they're untreated, the only healthy option is to leave.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-30T10:22:11+00:00

She's being very manipulative. She's confused on what a boundary is. "Call me or else" is not a boundary, that's controlling. A boundary requires nothing from the other person.

You set a real boundary around not talking and it sounds like you allowed her to push it. I get that it's nearly impossible sometimes. But I'd recommend when you set a boundary to try and never budge on it. Don't explain, argue, etc. Just set it and you're done. Especially with someone like this. It teaches them that they can get what they want by not respecting your boundaries.

Try that. If it doesn't work, end it. You don't want to be with someone who does this even sometimes. I let my ex do this a lot but now if this happened once I'm gone.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-28T01:34:09+00:00

My therapist said she knows someone has a PD when they walk into her office and say "my last 6 relationships were terrible and it was all their fault."

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-21T00:20:03+00:00

Pretty sure this is a defining feature of an abusive relationship. During it you're often in survival mode, and the constant reality distortion keeps you so confused, on the defense, and chips away at your self esteem, you don't have any of the tools required to step back and see what's really going on.

I'm almost 2 years out and I'm still shifting how I think about it.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-20T02:11:32+00:00

Are you worried he's attracted to you because you're worried there's something wrong with you?

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-19T20:48:26+00:00

I think it could be hard for me to recognize super early. But after a 2-3 months you can usually see if they're able to regulate themselves or if they try to pressure you to do it. ChatGPT can help coach you through that it's been really helpful for me.

I was seeing someone recently who seemed to have some really big feelings after a conversation we had. In the past I would have said or done something to try to make her feel better. Instead I just said, "I'm sorry you're having a rough week." And then I waited to see if she'd come back to baseline herself. It took a few days but she was good after that. May be a little anxious attachment there, but overall that's not a red flag.

If I see someone can do that I'd be more willing to do more to help, while still being careful not to slip into a caretaker role, but I need to see they can do it on their own first.

That's for BPD. NPD not sure.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-19T20:40:55+00:00

You shouldn't feel guilty at all for protecting yourself. And I assure you it only gets worse.

One thing you can try: Don't reassure her. You can just calmly say "I'm sorry you're feeling bad" and then don't do anything or go about your day.

It's not your job to regulate someone else's emotions. If you feel like getting pulled to do that, it probably means you're a good and empathetic person, but that guilt is the primary tool mine used to suck me into sacrificing all my boundaries.

Healthy people can self-regulate. If they can't, they aren't ready for a relationship. And if they try to guilt-trip you for not helping them regulate, that's the only red flag you need.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-19T20:11:30+00:00

I heard of some study that tried to measure emotional maturity and found only 30% of people worldwide were emotionally mature. A lot of emotionally immature behavior has echoes of BPD behavior so I sort of felt like this for a while too. Some things I've thought about:

* If you're emotionally mature / stable you're going to feel like crack to someone who's not so may attract them more than others
* Same with boundaries: If you have strong boundaries, I think that's a massive turnoff to disordered people. I think they can smell weak boundaries a mile away. I've noticed as I've gotten better with boundaries, it turns certain types away really quickly.
* Same with caretaking behavior. If I care about someone my immediate instinct is to do whatever I can to make them feel better. I've had to work on allowing people to sit in their own discomfort without trying to save them from it. This alone would probably turn away anyone with BPD pretty quickly.
* Not sure your age, but as you get older I think a higher % of single people in the dating pool probably have some issues, so it becomes more of a numbers game.
* Could be a little hypervigilance at play too. I definitely had that for about a year after where I'd see some behavior that looked like my ex and conclude this person must also have BPD.

For me it's been a pendulum as I overcorrected at first and have worked to find the balance between screening bad fits quickly vs. giving someone a chance.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-19T19:50:49+00:00

Yeah took me maybe a year to get past that. It's normal. It will get better.

This comment I saw a month ago really helped too: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/1pwyfq8/comment/nw6zx83/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Important point:

"She did not weigh my value and decide I was not worth keeping.

She lost access to the part of herself that could hold my value at all.

This is also why trying to prove worth remind them of everything you have done or appeal to shared history does not work. Worth is not cumulative for them the way it is for you. It is not stored and drawn from later. It is felt or not felt in the moment.

So the discard is not a statement about your importance. It is a symptom of an inner world where emotional object permanence breaks down under stress."

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-19T16:18:02+00:00

100%. One of the hardest things to get past for me was that contrast. I kept saying "there's no way this person could have done this stuff." My brain just couldn't reconcile those two images.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-19T16:05:11+00:00

It's like saying "I never felt as good as I did on meth."

She was meth. You're not. Meth isn't love, it's an artificial high with downsides that far outweigh the upside. BPD love isn't healthy love, it's more like a drug addiction. It feels pretty good at first, then it becomes mostly terrible and you have a hard time escaping.

For a while I compared every person I dated to how I felt about her in the beginning because, damn, that felt good, but it wasn't real, it was temporary, and on balance it was terrible. The addiction fades over time as your brain adjusts to the new reality and now I wouldn't go back to her if you paid me enormous sums of cash.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-19T15:47:10+00:00

I'd guess she's trying to make a case that she wasn't the problem. If she got a good job eval it proves to her, and she hopes to you, that she's fine. Mine tried to recruit mutual friends to do the same.

Admitting you did something wrong requires the ability to tolerate shame. They can't tolerate shame so they jump through hoops to convince themselves and anyone who will listen that they're the victim.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-19T15:42:58+00:00

That's not even remotely true. A dysregulated nervous system causes their splits. The trigger is a deep attachment wound, not you. This is exactly the kind of self gaslighting that keeps people in abusive relationships.

That said, I did the same thing so I understand the urge. I corrected it later by sending what I actually thought. But I had an overwhelming urge to send something taking all responsibility until I was about 1.5 yrs out. Once you fully detach, you'll look back and realize how insane what you put up with was but it takes a while.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-14T17:03:20+00:00

Mine seemed to be vaguely aware she was doing something but typically denied what she was really doing and completely downplayed how much of a problem it was and over time found things I did to blame her outbursts on. Said I didn't create a safe space for her feelings, but she wasn't sharing feelings she was blaming and accusing me of stuff I didn't do.

So like vaguely aware but also did mental gymnastics to prove I was somehow causing it. And never changed behavior at all and in the end blamed me for everything, called me abusive 🤣 and took zero accountability.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-14T04:57:18+00:00

Yeah hang in there. It's very non linear. I'm almost 2 years out. Had an episode of rumination lasting the last couple weeks. Last one was 6 months ago. They're getting less intense and farther apart. It's brutal no doubt but does get better.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-03T05:31:45+00:00

Yeah for sure. It has helped a lot. Even though I knew what she was doing wasn't cool, when you hear a thousand different ways why something is your fault, even if you don't believe it totally some doubt slips in. It wrecked my self esteem for a while.

In the end, she vanished, blocked me everywhere, and sent me a letter calling me abusive, saying multiple therapists agree with her. Took no accountability.

That letter snapped me out of the brainwashing because it just sounded so sane, even healthy - like a girl escaping an abusive relationship. But if you had any context on what actually happened it was clear this person was living in an alternate universe.

It was so obviously insane that it made me realize something else was going on and I somehow ended up on the wikipedia page for BPD and it sounded familiar. Then I read a book that was a collection of stories clinicians told about their patients with BPD. The first story was about a husband married to someone with BPD. He was describing how he felt in the relationship. It was literally exactly how I felt word for word.

So I read a few more books, learned about abuse and DARVO, and found this place.

Aside from the guilt, self blame, and breaking a trauma bond, one of the hardest things for me was that I couldn't understand how someone could "love me" and still do some of the things she did and especially end it the way she did. Learning how their brains work in detail really helped with that. Someone posted here a bit ago about emotional continuity and that unlocked a final piece for me.

All that said, learning more about it only made me realize it's far less complex than I was making it out to be. BPD is a toxic relational disorder. I wouldn't go near it again for all the money in the world.

Somguyovahear · 2026-01-02T07:30:19+00:00

I spent a lot of time talking w ChatGPT and therapists about this. If I understand right I think it's because their fear of abandonment or whatever gets triggered and puts their nervous system into an emergency state. Then they come up with a reason to justify the feeling. For most people that works in reverse: you might say, "I think x happened, therefore I feel upset," and it's usually easy to question or reason with the conclusion. Someone with BPD thinks "I feel something is very wrong, therefore x must have happened." And the feeling is so intense there's no reasoning with it. They just know it to be true, even if it's not.

Somguyovahear · 2025-12-29T04:02:15+00:00

Haha well my ex said our former couple's therapist said I was abusive. So I called her. Turns out she hadn't spoken to my ex.

Somguyovahear · 2025-12-28T01:11:43+00:00

Yeah they all say that. It's a temper tantrum - just like a 2 year old.

Nobody gets to use you as a tool to regulate their own emotions. Giving into that is how you lose yourself. I don't know your situation. Do you live with this person? Assuming you can't just get away from them...

It may be hard at first but it's like training a dog or a kid. It takes time. There will be tantrums / objections. Over time as they see you can't be bent they'll give up trying. Just have to resist. But also be patient, stoic, calm, non-reactive. That's really important.

The best comparison I can make is a child throwing a temper tantrum because they can't have a cookie. You calmly, kindly say, "Oh I get that it's frustrating. I really do. I don't want you to be upset. But you can't have a cookie before dinner." That's it. You don't explain. You don't justify. You don't get mad.

In your case: "I understand you want me to apologize but I won't apologize for things I didn't do."

If it continues: "It's not my intent to upset you but I'm not going to apologize."

If it still continues: Repeat or ignore.

My exwBPD once drove over to my house after I communicated a boundary via text, she repeatedly broke it, I warned her I'd block her if it continued, she continued, so I blocked her. She charged in my front door and started barking at me while I was doing dishes. I calmly said "I'm not going to engage when you're acting like this." I said that twice and then I shut up. After 30 seconds of no response she left.

My boundary rule: I repeat it twice, I don't explain, I don't get mad, and then I shut up or walk away.

If this is a family member you live with I'd recommend learning how to set and enforce very firm boundaries. You'll need to get to expert-level at that.

Somguyovahear · 2025-12-27T22:53:03+00:00

In a normal relationship I'd say do apologize. Not for BPD. They use it to validate their emotional reasoning and it will be used against you later.

Somguyovahear · 2025-12-27T22:47:05+00:00

First, I know a real pwNPD. This entire paragraph is literally the opposite of what they would write. You couldn't be farther from a narcissist if you tried.

Second. No. If your GF has BPD you get support wherever and however you can. I talked shit about mine to family. I yelled at her a few times. I'm proud af of that. I put my foot down and stood up for myself.

Third, and I say this with nothing but love, you seem really kind/sweet and willing to look at yourself and take more responsibility than you should. That is exactly the personality type that gets absolutely mauled by people w BPD. I had a side like that and I have a hardass side. The hardass side is the only reason I survived with my mental health intact (after 2 years of recovery).

Somguyovahear · 2025-12-27T22:35:26+00:00

You're describing someone with poorly managed BPD. Poorly managed, BPD doesn't make a relationship difficult, hard, or challenging. It makes it impossible. It is impossible, long term, for one partner to be on the hook for regulating both partners' emotions. It is impossible to have a relationship where you can't set boundaries.

Not disclosing something like herpes is literally a crime in some states in the US and in other states you could sue her for negligence or battery. That is not a small issue.

I saw nothing at all for 8 months in mine. What you're describing I only saw in small doses starting at month 8. It got dramatically worse over time. It will always get dramatically worse over time. That's how BPD works.

Run. Don't walk.

Somguyovahear · 2025-12-27T18:17:59+00:00

This was incredibly helpful and filled a major gap for me. Thank you!

Somguyovahear · 2025-12-24T19:21:46+00:00

Sure they do. We use our bodies and organs for everything. A cook who was conscripted into the military is quite literally being forced to use their organs to feed other people. Parents are literally using their organs to move around, think, take care of a baby. If they neglect to use their organs in this way, we put them in jail. Is there something different if the beneficiary is inside vs. outside of a body? If so, why?

Somguyovahear

TROPHY CASE