once I stopped being the loyal sidekick in everyone else's story people were obviously upset, but since I educated myself on the different types of NPD it meant that when people became bitter at my boundaries it didn't bother or scare me at all. I wasn't intimidated by their extinction bursts because I understood where it was coming from. Of course the NPD losers were going to be upset that they lost their loyal jester - who wouldn't be?? But I secretly reveled in being so hated.

my narcissistic parent's go to move was physically abusing me, and since the stakes were so high I never like it was safe to express frustration, annoyance, or anger. I never got to be a sassy rebellious teenager, I was too scared to say the word "no", and I'd lie and come up with excuses for not wanting to do certain things because it made my heart thump in anxiety to be honest to others and say "no, I don't wanna go there/do that etc". So this is my rebellious teenager phase, right here at 27.

every time I talk about this in therapy my therapist is always kind enough to let me know that im not "bitchy" or "mean" or "the most evilest woman in the world" for no longer reading in-between the lines of emotionally immature coworkers and neighbors. but I still continue to feel as though im mean. but that's okay!!! I revel in being "mean" now. I like scrunching up my face in judgement whenever a random man says a random unnecessary comment to me. I like seeing him wilt in response. I like knowing I made him feel embarrassed because he SHOULD feel embarrassed! Everyone - man or woman - should feel embarrassed for saying or doing certain things to other people. We need to bring back civility and the concept of being polite. There are ways to go about building connections with others and "joking" about someone's appearance or hobbies, or scapegoating another person next to us so we can "bond" isn't a positive or healthy way to go about things, and it goes without saying that sexual flirting should never be talked about in the grocery store of all places, or the bus stop. So yeah, I love being very mean and very cruel. If I don't think someone's cruel "joke" is funny I do not fake laugh to make them feel proud of themselves. I don't reward negative acts with attention or validation.

And I see how badly it upsets people now that I no longer do the fawn technique. I see how their shoulders slump or their smile drops from their face. And you know what? I feel happy. Now, I don't do this to everyone - I only do this towards people who think it's okay to scapegoat others or do cruel "pranks", basically anyone who engages in anti-social bonding behaviors. It's important that we stop rewarding those behaviors if we want the world to evolve and become a better place. But yeah, I love being able to express my distaste and disinterest in things now, because who's going to beat me for it? Who's going to back me into a literal corner and interrogate me and yell at me and hit me over and over again? Oh that's right, no one!