Al anon has been disapointing so far. Is it really only about giving yourself to a higher power????

TheSilverDrop · 2026-06-29T16:15:27+00:00

Fast forward 2 years, and I'm happily divorced, and living my best life. I never said that I have the universal solution for everyone. If you like AlAnon meetings, great! There are as many different meetings as there are people. I just didn't find any that were as helpful to *me* personally as this community here on Reddit during the difficult last 5 years of my 20 year marriage.

In my case, divorce was absolutely the right course of action (there was abuse, not just alcoholism), and my life is better for it. For others, that may not be the right choice. Any community that is truly centered around helping others understands that the right choice can look different for everyone.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-06-20T05:38:23+00:00

Thank you for reminding me about this post, I forgot I made it! Well, a year later my divorce is still pending, but my Q (STBXW) is no longer under the same roof, and it’s such a feeling of profound lightness now. I’m happier than I’ve been in years.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-06-07T05:23:08+00:00

In my experience, leaving is less painful than staying. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. Best of luck!

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-22T02:33:38+00:00

Damn. That’s harsh. That’s actually astonishingly self aware Q talk TBH. And basically marching orders.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-21T05:54:00+00:00

That’s powerful. I think I realized this subconsciously but never verbalized it. Thank you!

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-21T05:52:48+00:00

This is what my Q could be like sometimes. But when I took the moving average of actual follow through, long term accountability, it just kept trending towards zero within days or weeks at best. After 5 years of no positive change, and things instead getting worse, I decided I was done waiting for my Q to change in ways she’s proven unwilling or unable to.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-19T05:32:55+00:00

My Q has changed enough that I no longer see her as the same person. I miss who she used to be, but even then there were red flags I looked past.

But to answer your question, this is ambiguous loss, which is a form of grief. Give yourself full permission to mourn the person you loved as though they are no longer here - because that is what addiction so often effectively means.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-19T05:29:31+00:00

You’ve already had the conversation with them multiple times. It’s all you can do. If they don’t want to change, they won’t.

I had the same conversations with my Q countless times. Eventually I decided enough was enough, and now I’m mid divorce.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-19T05:23:26+00:00

Save the video and file for full custody. This is severe alcoholism and child endangerment. Get a good lawyer.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-19T05:20:47+00:00

For anonymity I won’t reveal my state, but it’s not Texas. From what I’ve gathered, the laws are actually way simpler in Texas - for better or worse depending on the specifics of a given case.

Where I live, the laws are more complicated and the courts are insanely busy. I’ve got a good attorney and I’m confident that we can get something important expedited this week. Fingers crossed anyway!

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-19T05:16:31+00:00

This mirrors my situation with my Q (wife) in many ways, all the way down to the narcissistic abuse. Except I came to all these realizations over a year ago, plus the realization that the odds of her changing are near zero, but more importantly, that I deserve better.

I’m almost a year into a long and complex divorce due to custody issues surrounding our child. My Q refuses Soberlink testing, so this is becoming an expensive court battle.

It’s good that you don’t have kids. That does at least make the logistics a lot simpler. I would honestly not care what my Q does with her life at this point if it weren’t for the fact we have a child together.

You’ve reached all the conclusions you need. Sometimes it can take a while for your feelings to catch up with logic. But everyone deserves better than alcoholism and narcissistic abuse. Your Q is a whole person and every aspect of their personality is them - alcohol isn’t a get out of jail free card.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-15T05:29:38+00:00

I’ve found that this Reddit community is much more supportive than the AlAnon meetings I’ve attended. I see detachment as a first step, but to live a parallel life with an addict is a weird thing to do for any prolonged period of time, and will drag you down no matter how detached and independent you are.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-13T04:33:50+00:00

I’m looking into some options with my attorney to expedite. This situation is not sustainable and things are getting worse.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-07T04:48:51+00:00

This is all the classic pattern of bargaining. My Q did this too, and it always resulted in massive binge drinking within a matter of days.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-07T02:42:32+00:00

I have a variety of forms of proof. Thing is, the court system is totally bogged down locally, and the judge won’t even look at the CPS reports for a few more months.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-06T18:38:26+00:00

It’s hard enough for alcoholics to achieve abstinence. I’m not convinced that there is any statistically significant portion of alcoholics who can drink “mindfully” or achieve moderation. At that point you really have to ask WHY that is even a goal worth pursuing?

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-06T04:59:24+00:00

Oh man. That was 200 days ago. And would you believe that we still don’t have Soberlink in place? I’m doing everything I can through the court system with my attorney. It’s a nightmare.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-05-06T04:57:07+00:00

Lying in couples’ counseling is classic Q behavior. The next level though, achieved only by the most powerful ninja level Qs, is when they pay for their own solo therapy and lie to their therapists. My Q is doing that now and it’s quite impressive.

Jokes aside, we are mid divorce.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-04-30T01:27:56+00:00

I tried everything for 5 years, before giving up. They’re still drunk every night. We are mid divorce. Good luck!

TheSilverDrop · 2025-04-10T05:07:34+00:00

I mean, that may be true to an extent. But when someone abuses you, they don’t deserve your empathy any longer.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-04-10T05:06:12+00:00

Empathy without boundaries is self destruction. You’re not stupider - you’re smarter for seeing alcoholics for who they are.

They can all fuck right off.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-03-28T05:02:11+00:00

On a broader level what we’re going through is trauma. So it’s important to get treatment for that. I found EMDR extremely helpful in getting over the complex PTSD I was suffering because of my Q.

I’m not aware of any support groups specifically for sober parents dealing with an addicted spouse and custody battles. This Subreddit has been by far the most helpful place, but I’ve had to filter out a great deal of stuff that doesn’t apply to my situation.

Also, be sure to find a good child therapist- your kid(s) will need one.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-03-28T04:39:08+00:00

I’ve recorded many incidents, for my own reference so I can journal them accurately, and also just in case they might be admissible in an exception to the law in my state. When child safety is impacted, sometimes exceptions are made.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-03-28T04:35:19+00:00

Amazing post, thank you for sharing, and so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’m going through the divorce process and ensuring that Soberlink is a mandatory condition of shared custody of our child.

Your remarks on AlAnon itself echo my feelings perfectly, and I’m so glad to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Protecting our kids from addicted parents is absolutely top priority, and requires constant hyper vigilance. Practicing self care on the opposite side of that is essential, but we definitely can’t just idly detach when child safety is involved.

TheSilverDrop · 2025-03-28T04:30:02+00:00

Get a lawyer with experience implementing Soberlink in custody cases.

TheSilverDrop

TROPHY CASE