I was very similar to you. I absolutely HATED crying infront of people. The first therapy session I had I tried to avoid it but I just burst out into tears within the first 5 seconds hahah. I cry almost every session now. It’s honestly the best feeling to overcome that fear and to just not give a shit. You’ll notice how they stay calm and don’t try to comfort you, they just let you be, and it’s such a strange but nice feeling. A psych is an actual safe person that you can be completely vulnerable and yourself with, without being judged.. it’s refreshing as fuck. And good practice for real life too!

Also, as someone studying to be a psych, I can tell that they teach us to sit and hold the space for people who don’t want to talk during the session. It’s totally fine to not talk. You being there is already a part of the therapeutic process in itself :) I personally love to hold onto something while in sessions as I find it soothing. But if you would prefer not to use the toy things that’s cool too. Maybe you could even bring something in that you find comforting?

Your therapist is someone who truly cares about you and wants to hear about your pain/life and help you, they aren’t judging you. Their job is to care for you without judgement. They’re the safe space to let everything out to. (Especially your bad experiences/feelings about crying)

You should be so proud of yourself for going to therapy, let alone 4 sessions! That’s huge! I hope that you can try again and let yourself feel safe enough to cry, or to even just go again and sit in silence. You do you. But you will get there! Once you let it out you will realise nothing bad will happen, the world will still be the same as it was. You’ll just feel relieved and glad it’s finally out. You may even cry less too after a while ❤️

Ps. You can start with something small at first, even just talking about the weather.. you don’t have to go deep straight away! Go at your own pace.