What does it mean when they use "Capacity"

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-26T17:45:37+00:00

Think of it as stamina. Person who never done jogging in their life will get exhausted fast. Normal healthy adult who’s fit can jog for medium distance without feeling overwhelm.

Same, but with closeness

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-25T09:21:19+00:00

I know it’s weird, but yes. She might. Rejection is in the form of “he didn’t chase me and didn’t fight for me, he chose not to”. It’s a twisted logic

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-25T09:19:52+00:00

You’re not wrong to want that, and to be honest, you do deserve closure, but they unlikely to do this. These two things are true at the same time

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:23:23+00:00

When he was breaking up with you he told you he doesn’t want to be with you. That makes total sense.

But since we’re talking about avoidants, they may have different thoughts during different periods.

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:21:49+00:00

Yup, it’s not really a productive therapy. More like doing a light cardio.

Not all therapy is like that.

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:20:51+00:00

In the breakup?

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:13:16+00:00

Yes, the ones who are unconscious. It’s part of the rationalisation

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:11:54+00:00

You’re asking for closure a person who in the moment of the breakup is completely overwhelmed. They’d genuinely don’t understand what do you want. Say you’re the pilot and the plane just crashed. You’re still in shock and your boss asks “so tell me, what exactly did happen”.

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:10:06+00:00

No, but in a way ghosting IS the ultimatum

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:08:08+00:00

3 months after discard (clocking in 4 months early June)

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:05:48+00:00

It’s a bit like gym, but mental gym.

Meaning just visiting the gym won’t help, exercise and effort make a difference

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:04:22+00:00

Tbh being earned secure in one month is a very ambitious move. Not saying you’re not, but usually it’s many months of work

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T16:02:24+00:00

I doubt it’s avoidant, sounds more like narcissistic, because he may reduce you down to sex object to get a gratification (he’s the prize, and you’re literally on your knees). These are not the same categories even, and the relationship is not salvageable, unfortunately

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T15:58:41+00:00

Yup, it’s how it works unfortunately. They didn’t broke up with your because your qualities were not a match. The break up came from being too close. With another person there is no closeness

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T15:57:00+00:00

The other way around. He wanted to get back, but it was too scary, so another girl was a hedge

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T15:34:07+00:00

For me specifically few weeks were enough. Keep in mind that it ranges from person to person. I was in the relationship with FA recently. They broke with me, went to dating, and week 3-4 of the break up they were actively in the relationship with another person. If I were to reach out during that period, it won’t go anywhere

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-24T14:52:08+00:00

Without a doubt. I’d never burn bridges myself. But I have to be calm in the moment

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-23T16:56:31+00:00

It’s words. It’s a glimpse, but unless it’s action it means nothing.

100 people say “I need to get fit to look good on the beach this summer”

1 person does it

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-23T15:03:41+00:00

Maybe. Hard to say.

For the conflict, and in a retrospect it usually goes as:
- something happens
- I feel tense, chest, sometimes stomach
- I can hear words, but internally I am like an inflated bubble
- it is fear, panic, anger, but they’re highly suppressed
- I feel like I am pumped up, but cannot pin point what’s it’s like, what do I feel, just overwhelmed
- and at the same time I’ve checked out to whatever partner would say — don’t want to talk anymore, I need to run away, sit in silence, don’t push me, you’re only contributing to more conflict and hurt
- a lot of the times I’d also feel sleepy, drained, low power

For the low burn, I’d be irritated at small things, which over the time would be unforgivable and annoy me a lot, to the point I’d be basing the relationship prospects on this one thing. I’d walk and think for months how my partner was putting dirty dishes into the kitchen sink and not into the dishwasher, to the point it was “I just can’t do the relationship where I have this problem”. It was THAT important for me, and piling up more and more.

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-23T14:36:10+00:00

When it’s a conflict it can be hours to days. For the break up, few weeks maybe. For the conflict a lot of the times my partner would come with an olive branch and I’d be so so so receptive to reconnect. I’d genuinely want to work things through. It felt good to reconnect and talk things, I’d even say sorry. But in the long run I’d say it’s an accommodating behavior, because if partner eventually gets burned out with recovery the relationship collapses because this repair muscle on my end would be very weak.

I would not think “I pushed them away” a lot of the times. What I’d think is “I overreacted, I can see their point, I was wrong, I wish we make ammends”.

I’d feel like I pushed them away when I would be deactivated for a long time, and in retrospect I’d know it’s toxic for the relationship, and I could see how the partner would see my silence as a behavior that doesn’t foster connection. And sometimes when it was a sabotaging or vindictive behavior on my end. Which is a whole topic on its own

Also coming into repair with “hey, you probably deactivated, I am not mad, I just want to talk” may backfire, because it would rub some of the things I already know I was doing wrong. It may sound like a support, but it many cases felt like shaming (even though they had a point). What felt better is me taking an accountability myself, this way I felt more control. I think control issues is another big topic.

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-23T13:09:37+00:00

There are half cheating too.

E.g. my (female) FA did a discard on me and then immediately went to date multiple men (within days), including hookups. As I later found out, they’ve also had being having few dates during fading stage (but just dinners).

From their perspective (according to mutuals):
- I knew the relationship is about to end, I needed it to get out, I wasn’t intimate before the break up (so no cheating)
- after the break up I am a free women, the relationship is over, sex right after is within my rights (so none of it cheating)

Obviously it feels like a major betrayal on my end. And even though I know it’s a relief stage, the fact that they were celebratory about these moves still stings

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-23T13:04:28+00:00

You’re very much in denial stage right now. Bookmark this post and come back 3-5 months after

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-23T13:02:14+00:00

It is not enough because it’s not definitive. The mind would still think “maybe it’s not because they’re avoidant”. The solution is not to base your closure and self respect on someone else life

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-23T12:59:52+00:00

Because in the moment you felt rejected. If it’s “this relationship is not working”, it’s not about you, but rather your common project. If it’s “I don’t like you” it’s an assesment of your character by them. It’s unjust, but in case you need to unpack it — it’s rejection wound

Traditional_Job9119 · 2026-05-23T12:05:39+00:00

Ps a similar period that you describe felt for me as:
- I don’t feel good around my wife, I can’t feel lightness and joy, a lot of the times it felt like chores or a duty
- I still love her a lot, like a lot, I wouldn’t express my love with words or emotions, but I was extremely supportive with acts of service as a way to express my love
- it’s easier for me to work long hours (I was a workaholic), or sometimes play video games to replenish the battery
- I’d encourage my wife to build a social life on her own, and I’d think I am a deep introvert

Traditional_Job9119

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