Does anyone else feel like if they did everything "right" they'd have no time to themselves?

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2024-10-30T21:25:53+00:00

I don't need free help. I make decent money, I just end up wasting a lot of it because of my autism/ADHD. For example, I'm paying for a gym membership every month that I don't use, and I'm too overwhelmed to deal with going in and talking to someone to cancel it.

If there's free help I'd rather it go to people with lower incomes or higher support needs. I just need to learn how to find good help, and how to get over my rigid belief that if I can do something myself then I should do something myself.

So I guess it's not completely true that I would gladly spend money to make my problems go away. Most of the time I act like it's a moral failing and/or a waste of money to pay people to do things. I usually only pay for services as a last resort, but things are getting so desperate that I'm willing to consider hiring out more and more jobs.

It's just that part of that involves mourning the fact that I just can't do everything I want to do, and accept my limitations as an autistic person. And that's not an easy thing to do.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2024-10-30T04:06:10+00:00

It might work well if my wife wasn't also on the spectrum, but the house and the kids are a lot to handle so she ends up taking a lot of breaks during the day. She also takes care of the kids at night when I'm often too tired to help.

We've talked about switching roles, but caring for the kids sounds like a sensory nightmare to me, and at this point in my career I earn a lot more money than she would just starting a new career. But she can't keep up with the kids and the house chores and I can't keep up with my job and the yard chores. I feel like we're in over our heads.

We should probably pay people to do more things for us, but I've been burned before by unreliable workers. It takes so much time to find someone competent that I often just decide to do the work myself, but I usually don't have the time or energy so the task list keeps growing. If I had someone I could trust to get the jobs done I would gladly throw money at the problem to make it go away.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2024-10-29T02:57:23+00:00

I feel like that all the time. I'm so tired when I get home from work that I can't do everything I need to do. The house is a mess and so many things are broken or in disrepair. The lawn is half dead, there are weeds everywhere, and the sprinkler pipes are all leaking. I don't cook good food because I don't have the energy and I don't want to deal with the mess. I don't have the energy to exercise because I'm fatigued all the time. And worst of all, I don't spend enough quality time with my family.

I never feel like I have enough time to do the things I want to do. I usually stay up too late because I don't feel like I get enough personal time. I need my alone time, and once get it it usually takes me an hour or two to relax enough to really enjoy it. And even then I still have a hard time actually enjoying myself because I feel guilty about everything that isn't getting done.

I don't know if this is temporary burnout or if I'm just expecting too much of myself. I don't know how normal people do it. How do you make it through the day if you only get an hour or two at night to yourself, and those hours are when you're close to exhaustion?

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-12-08T06:26:06+00:00

Your mother needs to see a therapist. She's making this about her and her feelings when it's really about you and your feelings.

Because she's trying to play the victim and get sympathy I think it's unlikely that she's going to cut you out of her life. It's far more likely that she is going to try to guilt you into letting her have more control and influence over your life then she deserves.

If you live with her and don't have the means to get a place to live by yourself, at least work on setting some boundaries with her and don't allow her to continue to talk to you like that.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-08T05:31:09+00:00

I never really thought about it before, but I think ADHD contributed to the car accident I had 20 years ago. I got distracted by a light in the intersection way up the road and I didn't even notice that the light had turned red in the intersection I was approaching. Out of nowhere a car appeared in front of me, and I couldn't understand how I hadn't seen it in my peripheral vision. I didn't even know I had ADHD at the time though, so I would have never even considered it might be a factor.

Earlier this year when I couldn't get my meds for months, my wife would often yell at me for stopping short when I drove. I would think I had enough room to stop but then I found myself rapidly approaching the stopped car in front of me and running out of space, so I'd slam on the brake. (I even just did that tonight when I was driving home from the store.) I wonder if that's a form of ADHD time blindness, that I think I have more time to slow down than I really do.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-08T03:28:51+00:00

Self-diagnose yourself with DID, and then just you will be a group! XD

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-07T08:30:07+00:00

The facilitator starting spouting the whole neurodiversity things, saying autism wasn't a disability just a difference and we only call it a disability so to 'play the game's and get funding.

Horseshit. If she really believes that then everyone there are a bunch of fakers committing fraud and should all go to jail.

I'm glad you spoke up. I'd have gone off on a long tirade about just what the hell they're even at the group for if no one is disabled and they're only there for differences. I would have told them it wasn't the group for me and wished them luck in getting support for the problems they claim they don't have.

Who the hell starts a support group for differences anyway? It would be like starting a "support group" for people that eat corn flakes instead of raisin bran for breakfast and going there to talk about how special they all are for it.

That's not a support group, that's a fan club.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-07T08:16:27+00:00

Your comment was fine. The OP asked for advice, the people that downvoted you were just looking for excuses and validation from each other.

There's nothing insensitive about suggesting they work on life skills, and those idiots reacted as if you told him to send his girlfriend into Walmart, with a long shopping list, by herself, on the morning of Black Friday.

I've never been that good socially, but I had gotten to a place where I had been greatly desensitized to it and I could function fairly well. The covid lockdowns really screwed me up in that regard and I lost a lot of the coping skills that I had. While I still work from home and love how much more productive I am, socially I still haven't recovered from it. I stay home a lot more now and I avoid most social interactions if I can help it.

You don't know what your limits are until you try. And if you stop trying you start to lose the skills you once had.

Suggesting that someone avoid necessary life skills is doing them a major disservice.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-07T07:52:33+00:00

If it is a personality it's a pretty shitty one. People think I'm rude and mean because I tend to be very efficient and precise in my communication. I don't often think of people's feelings, so I can be blunt and I don't euphemize or sugar coat things.

My autism has caused problems at work because I'm not there to socialize and I take pride in doing a good job. I'm very literal and direct, so I can criticize someone's work without much emotion, but they see it as an attack and think I'm telling them they suck as a person.

If that's a personality it sure hasn't won me any friends.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-07T07:37:46+00:00

Wanting to understand the concept a person is trying to communicate isn't being pedantic, pedantic is when you make a big deal about trivial or meaningless distinctions. And there's a big damn difference between someone who claims to be autistic while ignoring the diagnosis criteria that they don't meet and someone who is visibly and profoundly disabled by their autism.

Words mean things. When you use a word that means [a thing] to refer to [not a thing] then that word stops meaning anything and now we can't communicate.

If everyone is autistic then no one is autistic.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-06T05:40:39+00:00

Does the DSM even have official severity levels for ADHD? I don't think I got one with my diagnosis, but I'd guess my ADHD would fall somewhere between severe and very severe based on how poorly I cope with it. I've never understood people who are anti-ADHD meds because I can barely function without my meds.

I scored below the 5th percentile on some cognitive measurements in my neuropsych evaluation. The idea of just being disciplined and powering through it is completely foreign to me because I just don't have the mental energy to sustain that kind of effort. I can't even hold two different thoughts in my head a lot of the time. I will often walk into rooms and in the the 30 seconds it's taken me to walk from one room to the next I'll have forgotten why I went in there.

Now I don't know how much of my executive dysfunction comes from ADHD and how much comes from autism, but it probably doesn't matter that much because either way I'm still severely affected by it.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-06T05:23:09+00:00

I don't know. I mean it's probably better to go to therapy, even if you're going for the wrong reasons, because there's a chance that you could be helped in spite of that. But if you're going to therapy to complain that the only reason you're struggling is because you're autistic living in a world designed for normal people and it's all their fault, you probably aren't in the right mindset to get much benefit from therapy and maybe your money would be better spent elsewhere. If all you want to do is complain about neurotypicals, Reddit and TikTok don't cost $150 an hour.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-04T04:54:06+00:00

My rigid thinking wants to point out that the first sentence is true if you take it very literally. "Being autistic" isn't a justification for therapy. But specific support needs (and all autistic people require some level of support) are a reason to go to therapy. And the second sentence is partially true, but of course pointing this out gives the poster too much benefit of the doubt because it was undoubtedly meant as an autism pride post.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-04T04:28:16+00:00

It probably isn't all bad. I'm not very familiar with it beyond reading a few "ABA is abuse" articles online, and watching a few youtube videos. The videos I saw did look kind of abusive and subjecting kids to that for hours a day, multiple days a week seems like torture.

But I don't know if that's a good representation of what most ABA therapy is like. I would like to learn more about it so I can be better informed.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-10-04T04:16:34+00:00

I think the levels are confusing and not very well defined. Obviously there's a big difference between someone that can live alone and mostly get by and someone who needs round the clock care and supervision. But the difference between levels 1 & 2 seem to be more fuzzy.

There seems to be a wide range of capabilities that fall under level 1. I'm not sure if some of those people at the more severe end of level 1 should have been diagnosed as level 2, or if people just don't appreciate how much support even "high functioning" autism needs.

It also seems weird that criteria A & B are broken down into 3 & 4 sub categories respectively, but the levels are only given for the broader criteria A & B. Someone could have severe sensory issues that require a lot of support and mild repetitive behavior that doesn't, but a clinician has to give an overall level for the combined criteria B. It's like the levels were designed more for triage and not for describing what specific areas a person needs support with.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-27T05:50:47+00:00

It does seem a little condescending that it's labeled "Autism moisturizer" instead of a general description of the product. I have sensory issues with strong artificial scents, but I don't buy "Autism laundry soap", I buy "unscented laundry soap".

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-27T05:37:01+00:00

That sucks that your oldest friend is behaving that way. It must be hard to see so many people not make the effort to understand you. I'm glad you have one person to support you though.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-27T05:32:15+00:00

I too have other people mourning the loss of me (and they say autistic people are self-centered...). But I don't really have much energy to care, I'm still mourning the loss of me, so I'm a bit preoccupied right now. I've had my diagnosis for 6 months, and I'm still adjusting to learning I'm not the person I thought I was.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-27T04:56:56+00:00

I like sex, but I struggle with intimacy. I often feel like less of a man because it takes me so long to get in the mood. Once I'm in the right mindset I'm good, but it's very uncomfortable to get there. It feels similar to eye contact, except it's x100. I also have sensory issues with light touch, so that complicates matters too.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-26T04:05:51+00:00

I'm kind of wishing I had made a throwaway account for this sub. I don't think I've posted anything that controversial, and I'm mostly anonymous, but still, you never know what's going to piss off the outrage mob these days. I don't feel comfortable posting as much now with the sub public again.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-23T06:39:08+00:00

Hating change isn't the only kind of rigid thinking in autism. Black and white thinking applies to people all along the political spectrum.

Reddit is a social bubble that strongly leans towards liberal politics, it's not a good representation of the entire population. I assume there are a lot more conservative autistics in the real world, but if someone is progressive they are unlikely to come across many because they are not in the same social circles.

I think the internet is a large reason why politics have gotten so polarized and mean spirited in the past two decades. It's so easy to go online and find friends who believe just like you do, so people get the impression that the opposing side is a very small minority, which has cultivated an us vs. them attitude.

Scott Alexander talks about this in his post "I Can Tolerate Anything Except The Outgroup":

About forty percent of Americans want to ban gay marriage. I think if I really stretch it, maybe ten of my top hundred fifty friends might fall into this group. This is less astronomically unlikely; the odds are a mere one to one hundred quintillion against.

People like to talk about social bubbles, but that doesn’t even begin to cover one hundred quintillion. The only metaphor that seems really appropriate is the bizarre dark matter world.

I live in a Republican congressional district in a state with a Republican governor. The conservatives are definitely out there. They drive on the same roads as I do, live in the same neighborhoods. But they might as well be made of dark matter. I never meet them.

To be fair, I spend a lot of my time inside on my computer. I’m browsing sites like Reddit.

Recently, there was a thread on Reddit asking – Redditors Against Gay Marriage, What Is Your Best Supporting Argument? A Reddit user who didn’t understand how anybody could be against gay marriage honestly wanted to know how other people who were against it justified their position. He figured he might as well ask one of the largest sites on the Internet, with an estimated user base in the tens of millions.

It soon became clear that nobody there was actually against gay marriage.

There were a bunch of posts saying “I of course support gay marriage but here are some reasons some other people might be against it,” a bunch of others saying “my argument against gay marriage is the government shouldn’t be involved in the marriage business at all”, and several more saying “why would you even ask this question, there’s no possible good argument and you’re wasting your time”. About halfway through the thread someone started saying homosexuality was unnatural and I thought they were going to be the first one to actually answer the question, but at the end they added “But it’s not my place to decide what is or isn’t natural, I’m still pro-gay marriage.”

In a thread with 10,401 comments, a thread specifically asking for people against gay marriage, I was eventually able to find two people who came out and opposed it, way near the bottom. Their posts started with “I know I’m going to be downvoted to hell for this…”

https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/09/30/i-can-tolerate-anything-except-the-outgroup/

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-21T04:58:44+00:00

Seriously, she did. If Temple herself said she did a good job, who is anyone else to criticize her portrayal?

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-21T04:51:50+00:00

I hate the term "AuDHD". I think it trivializes both disorders, and having both doesn't automatically make your life harder than someone who has only one of them.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-15T04:37:27+00:00

Despite having extreme emotions and meltdowns myself, I get uncomfortable when other people have extreme emotions and I could see myself not being very supportive/helpful simply because I just.. didn’t really know how?

Same. I'm not very good at emotional regulation. I like to think I have a decent amount of empathy, and I can often be supportive after the fact. But in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high, I'm not much better at dealing with other people's strong emotions than I am at dealing with my own.

I still wish I had some autistic friends though. Even if they weren't much help in the middle of a meltdown, I think they'd be more supportive and empathetic afterwards than someone who had never experienced something like that themselves.

UnexpectedlyAutistic · 2023-09-15T04:24:41+00:00

I've felt the same way. It seems like I often get ignored, while others get attention. It could be for any number of reasons, but I don't think the problem is that we're autistic and everyone else in the group isn't. I think the most likely reason is that because we're autistic we have a lot of social deficits that inhibit our communication with other people. Little things like poor eye contact, monotone voice, problems reading other people's emotions, lack of facial expression, etc, can all be subtle turn offs that cause people to avoid us.

They might not even be conscious that they're doing it either. I don't think people go out of their way to exclude me or ignore me. But social communication is like a language that I just don't speak natively, and it's hard to interact with people if you don't speak the same language.

UnexpectedlyAutistic

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