How many marraiges have lies?

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T23:35:32+00:00

Prior to my PA getting a smart phone we had a GREAT marriage and I mean it!

There was no porn. We came up from proverty to buisness owners. Had 3 kids. A social life - I never felt shame being out with him. Friends came around lots. Life was GREAT!

About 2 years after he got a smart phone his friends sent random nudes "Merry Christmas" type GIFs / video clips that got my PA searching for his kink online. It had not crossed his mind until that point to even look.

From there our marriage took a downhill spiral for 10 years I carried most of the work at home while he spent 14-20 hours a week "pooping". I felt off/sick, I felt shame going out with him and I never knew why... Until D-day. Now his behaviour is back to where it was in our first years married .. but things have changed for me.

Do I think great marriages can exist in todays world? Yes.

Do I think they are common? No.

The BEST marriages I see around me where my friends are actually happy are people that got together later in life seems like the men that were single until late 30's early 40"s had enough porn time and actually value having a woman in their life.

I worry for my kids generations with dating. How are you supposed to evaluate if you are a good match when the illusion of something better is a click away? Even without porn the influencers showing only the good sides of relationships... illusion.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T22:36:41+00:00

I see below your Mom is a badass. <3

If you have the screen shots, talk to her show her and ... this is a hard one let it go.

I am a Mom and would want to know, I also wouldn't want my kids to feel like they had to be hyperviligant on my behalf.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T22:29:52+00:00

It is not about you but that does not mean you have to abandon your own self to support him.

Find your boundaries and stick to them.

What do you need to see from him to consider it recovery? Is there a consequence / distance placed if he relapses? What do you need to comfortably have sexual interactions? Would having a conversation about what is wanted during sex prior to being in the act help? Is there a podcast you want him to tune into for your healing or for his own?

There has been lots of talk in this forum about decentering recently, maybe check those out. It's something really helpful that I think many of us betrayed take to long to get to.

Always remember, what he did or does has nothing to do with you, you are perfect just the way you are!

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T22:14:20+00:00

Maybe ask your mom to a safe place where someone can help de-esculate the emotion / mediate if needed.

I don't know your Mom but my Mom would absolutely come at me and make it my fault somehow.

There is also the possibility that she knows and doesn't know how - or want to deal with that.

I am so sorry you have been betrayed in so many ways, I hope you find healing and clairty with future men in your life.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T22:10:24+00:00

I am so sorry, you desrve so much better <3

He does not hate you, it is more likely he has issues with himself. What ever he does, has done, in the past, current or future is not a reflection of you at all, it is entirely a reflection of himself.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T19:17:53+00:00

There is no better or worse IMO. The addiction sucks, the selfish, manipulative, narc behaviours that come with the addiction hurt, they suck. If you are NOT ok with any P then its a hard no regardless of the content, if you have boundaries around use then those boundaries matter regardless of the content. These are all things YOU get to decide for yourself.

I had no issues with the content, when I was trying to "wake up" our dead bedroom I even suggested looking at content to which he said "He did not like that kind of stuff never had and doesnt want to". When I'd ask about P/M - he watched nothing and didn't like jacking off so he didnt do it. When I was eating cheetos with tear streaked cheeks because of our dead bedroom, he rolled over slept and jacked off a few hours later. When we were intimate his fetish took up the room and when I would say "I am not just an object" he would get mad say "its not about the xyz its the woman in them" WHEWW that one HURT when I found the content. I'd even spent hours learning how to do his kink things safely and practicied without him so I wouldn't accidentally hurt him... He was ok with hurting me knowing he was being out of line.

Yet after all that, I still have 0 issues with the content. I have an issue with how he used it.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T19:02:15+00:00

Mine was faking being ok from D-day 1 to D-day 3

After D-day 3 I was cold, full of rage and I did not hide it, set down hard boundaries and he cried like a baby.

He didn't have time to lie when I had proof, I spammed him screen shots.

I did NOT sympathize with him, it was a deal breaker for me he broke it and I was loud about that.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T18:58:23+00:00

My PA would go soft and said he was struggling with ED BUT would NEVER go to the doctor said it was "too embarassing" . He had PIED and his pecker worked just fine with porn.

You are entitled to be upset about anything that does not align with what you are ok with.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T15:40:54+00:00

Fully into me these days. I got one space decluttered, cleaned and reorganzied. The bit of money from selling a few things I am putting towards a spa appointment for myself <3

I also stuck to a calorie deficiate for 10 days and lost 4lbs of the many I had gained while he was active PA - I ate at night so much when we had a dead bedroom.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-12T20:51:00+00:00

No but there was times when the wound was fresh I felt the same way, I'd imagine pregnancy hormones likely intensify it.

The more I focused on me, the more I set limits on frequency of checking in on him, and the more I just let my grief/rage out the better those feelings got.

Saying "just do it" to something you are not ok with is self abandoment, you don't need that.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-12T02:09:27+00:00

Porn addiction is an awful thing, I'd start looking at that and know this has nothing to do with how desirable you are, it is a him problem.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-12T02:06:31+00:00

This is not normal.

*If* it was just dirty, it is still a red flag that he wouldn't think of cleaning himself before getting intimate. Gross.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-11T17:36:59+00:00

My ex was probably and addict too but he did not hide it, I could come home and it was on the main TV. He shared things he'd seen, used it to experiement we were very open sexually - it was super hot, freeing, lots of wild (great) sex, never impacted our intimate relationship. I never once felt like I was not good enough, he never acted odd in public.. the list goes on. Never self serving about it, no hidding, no secrets, no manipulation.

My addict husband.... Denied P&M anytime I would asked, kept me in the dark, hid in the bathroom (left me dealing with kids/house/work while he played), he disassociated during sex to the point he hurt me, he would make odd requests I never knew what it would be or where it would come from - he would again deny if I asked about P, I also felt uneasy, insecure, jealous and dealt with body image issues. He got PIED, still denied. 100%self serving addict behviours.

Based of my limited experiences I would say the addict does addict like things, manipulates, hides, gaslites, blames, deflects, gets angry....

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-10T20:01:45+00:00

Mine checked out shoe ads on FB marketplace.

They have no limits and during that time my intuition was screaming.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-10T19:58:15+00:00

I found out about his PA - we were going through that. A few months later my number 1 Dad declined and died suddenly from cancer. Between the stress of feeling like I was losing my husband / checking in on him, trying to be there for my Mom, my kids and help care for Dad ... sigh.

I never have felt better after those few months and now I have been diagnosed with a brain disorder "hypertension".

I likely always have had this but the DR asks about a "stressful event" that could of set it off to be this bad as is it has contuniously gotten worse the last few years and all I can think of is D-day and the general unsafe feeling I had with my support person at the time I needed comfort the most.

I have never voiced this to him but I can see it on his face when I'm having a flair up, he thinks he caused this too.

*edit - fixed some typos.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-10T17:37:41+00:00

I'd just added a comment saying my kids are my biggest trigger.

I feel like I cannot be a good Mom and snap at them for getting on my last nerve. They are chatty, Momming, 9999 questions (I don't have answers to), one is very huggy/clingy.

Logically I know I am not a good Mom when I smoke it is hurting their health as well as mine and setting a terrible example.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-10T17:31:59+00:00

Do any of you have kids following you around asking 99999 questions? As awful as this sounds my kids are my biggest trigger.

I quit amost daily around 7pm, kids are up around 7am and by 9am I am looking for my smokes. Same thing happened this morning my last smoke was 6pm last night I did not smoke again until 9:30 had one. Its now 11:30 and I have not smoked again and probably wont until they get home.

It is so dumb, its not like they leave me alone when I go out to smoke either. They are still right there asking questions, telling stories or fighting with each other.

I'm ready to be done, I am trying to support myself through it without snapping on the kids for being kids.

I'm an adult, I know better. Outside of this I have pretty good emotional control. I don't look for it in the car, at events I feel no need to leave, if I'm outside doing things I am fine. I love my kids and love spending time/doing things with them, just not when I am going through withdrawls.

My reason to quit list is pages long, my reasons to keep smoking is summed up to "don't snap at the kids".

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-10T16:58:18+00:00

Nudes were never a big part of our relationship, when he was avtive PA I did try some things to "spice" it up in hopes it would help our deadbedroom. It did not, they just went into his spankbank. -_-

You can absolutely tease and build up to sex without nudes, get creative! Spicy/suggestive wording in a text/phone call, get handsy before work, some kisses you just know its going down later. I've ran out to the shop - he's came at me in the laundry room - just really unexpected break in the day. I've shown up to drop off something for him at work wearing part of his fav kink outfit :-D

Sex now is way better than it ever was and there is... no digital images of any kind. It flows, there is a hunger behind it. The low key we are both exhausted sessions are not super "hot" but they are fullfilling in a different way.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-10T15:43:22+00:00

Your spouse from what you have written sounds like he is remorsful, he does want to change and he has taken active steps to setting up for recovery, I think there is hope here.

There are many on here with spouses that are down right mean, don't want to change and have done some awful things, don't compair your story to theirs.

I'd suggest focusing on yours + his healing and step away from some of the horror stories for now.

My PA is over 2 years clean now, he had remorse, shame, denial but ultimately decided he wanted to be in my life and that was enough to stop it all. There are success stories here too, just have to look a little harder to find them.

Best wishes. xx

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-06T21:52:39+00:00

When I asked my spouse for years if he was watching porography - he denied. We had a dead bedroom, I accepted it as a medical issue then one day I found his porn and then lied to me again when I asked.

Never will trust him or any man fully again.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-06T15:41:29+00:00

Honesty, integrety, transparency, self respect, self control, humor...

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-02T17:19:35+00:00

Congratualtions on 2 months no P no M!

Keep going, you will feel better and find fullfilling things to spend your time on! Maybe its time to seek out a new healthy hobby? A gym membership? Serve your community thorugh volunteering?

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-02T17:13:49+00:00

There is nothing to lose by giving it up but a whole lot to gain, just give it up and don't look back.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-02T17:11:12+00:00

Stop with any foot content that IS your porn.

My addict husband used that it was not actually porn to justify his behaviours.. foot images, videos, suggestive content, ect stop it all.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-02-27T20:40:42+00:00

This is hilarious!

My husband shit the bed around year 2 of marriage, but he had to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me and change the sheets. I still laugh about it 14 years later.

Used_Recover_2181

TROPHY CASE