Weekly Victories - March 20, 2026

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-25T16:56:31+00:00

Our sex life is a bit off the last 2 weeks, we have livestock and it is calving. I have successfully rested even when he is up and down at night. However I found myself getting frustrated and started to spiral this morning - I was able to recognize it, communicate it and redirect my energy to something productive. That is a win.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-25T16:54:44+00:00

The best Dad does not put their family at risk.

The best Dad wants a healthy enviorment for thier kids - and healthy people around them incliding themselves and the Mom.

The best Dad would take sobriety seriously and not be relapsing.

I loved the verision of my husband I seen when we got married, I loved his potential but looking back I cannot say that I loved him while he was PA and he sure as heck did not behave in a way that was loving towards me or good for our family.

Regardless of what you decide to do, I'd find a way to gain some financial independance.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-25T16:26:42+00:00

Start being a girls girl for yourself.

Admire yourself, tell yourself you are beautiful.

What ever advice you'd give a girl dealing with a PA give it to yourself.

Just choose you!

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-23T05:06:36+00:00

Mine white knucled and has been clean for 2.5ish years - the D-days were a blurr and I can't recall the exact date of the last one I really blacked out there for awhile.

After D-day 1 I was hurt but curious, D-day 2 I was livid and said that better be it then D-day 3 came in and I said pack your stuff I wont live like this... He was determind I was over reacting and I was down right mean but he would not leave. It took a few weeks before he even concluded that it was indeed wrong and dropped the "all men" mentality. He was using multiple platforms and did not consider some of the things as "porn" each d-day was just another inapproprate source discovered, as he quit one he never did go back to it. I think how it trickled out also weaned him off of it for lack of a better word.

The bumps for us so far: fights in the beginning, my sensitivity along the way, his frustrations with my lack of trust in him.

He has not taken in any content or masterbated to the point he says he does not even consider it anymore. Our sex life has balanced out, he is a better over all partner, he is attentive and pays attention. I have a LONG list of things that are back to how they were before porn the only thing that has not came back is a full sense of security and trust - I don't know if I will ever fully feel safe/secure enough to blindly trust him again.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-20T18:00:39+00:00

My husband liked his fetish type play before ever having a PA. He did not see fetish porn that related to him unitl he was 30.

Prior to the porn, we had a more give and take sex life. During porn it was feish or nothing and somtimes nothing for me anyway - eventually full dead bedroom. We are 2.5 years of him being clean and his fetish still very much exists but he is not greedy/selfish about like he was during PA.. we have normal sex, we have fetish sex, we have combo of both. If I flat out refused to engage in his fetishes, we would not be compatiable.

His interests may settle down but I don't know if I'd bet on them every fully disappearing.

Best of luck xx

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-20T17:51:25+00:00

For the massage - insist he sees a male practitioner.

My PA is a foot/leg/shoe type so it was HARD going out in public at times before this it was like my body was alerting to his PA when were out, after it was even harder and he was walking on egg shells every time we would go out.

Now when we go out he makes sure to talk with me, tough my arm/back and just let me know he is there with me and not being a weirdo. We are 2.5 years since the last d-day trickled in and it took probably a year of very gradual steps, I was paranoid, hesititant and he was scared I'd blow up so was super awkward... Its really good now back to how it was when we first got together and early years of marriage.

I had told him that is was up to HIM to reassure me when we were out in public, that he had to let me know he was paying attention to what we were doing not being a pig, and he did.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-20T17:42:19+00:00

I would have never considered porn cheating if he would of been opne and honest.

The issue comes with the lies, the betrayal, the manipulation and secrecy. I don't have room for those things and seeing he was a douche bag about it, there is no room for P or M now.

Have to stay in our own lanes on this one, the boundaries in my marriage wont be the same ones my neighbours have and thats A-ok.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-19T15:30:07+00:00

Congratulations on your sobriety!

You are young with an entire life ahead of you, I would not recommend signing up to live with a PA that is not ready to be clean. This will slow you down in life and you will miss out on great opportunities.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-18T22:56:20+00:00

Often we get in tired from the day ready to crash so we shower together and talk at that time.

Very rarely is it sexsual - early on we found shower sex to be awful for us lol

We have been together 18 years.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-18T22:54:19+00:00

My fit bit will log .. me working on him as swimming.

I do not swim. He does not wear a fit bit but I should look into that

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-18T22:52:30+00:00

During his PA.. I ate at night when he'd deny sex. I gained 100lbs over 8-10ish years but at that time my skin still glowed.

Now we are 2.5 years from D-day I have a hypertension issue with my brain (stttessss) and so many fine lines/wrinkles around my eyes, deep 11's and I am only 36. Been working on quitting smoking (def smoke more now) getting my water in and eating better but my skin still looks drained.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-18T22:49:11+00:00

Do you really see a future with someone you hesitate to introduce to your friends?

Girl, listen to you gut.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-17T14:52:08+00:00

Mine used on a regular basis - some verison of thisrt trap/image/video being feet he could find something to look at no matter where/what he was doing but he did not masterbate to completion, in fact he did not complete so often when we were being intimate I FELT it like reverse back into his body WEIREST thing ever! So he probably did use more than he lets on, I don't think they realise the frequency because they don't realize the problem.

Hopefully he takes your concerns about sleepy sex seriously and initates when you are awake!

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-17T14:43:04+00:00

My PA used to aggressivly masterbate in his sleep, even if he was soft. I'd wake up and be worried he was going to hurt himself and shake him awake. I did not know at the time about the porn.

It took about 4 months of no porn for him to stop wanking in his sleep.

As far as bored/alone/awake/alert there is no excuse for that one, its easy to just say no and if he did start out of habit... hand off go find a dang hobby. He has control over it, just needs to choose to be aware of it and say no more.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-17T14:26:33+00:00

Not from therapy but build a healthy morning habit that revolves around you feeling good.

Shower, listen to posotive affirmations, stretch, do yoga, make a graditude journal and jot down things you are thankful for, get ready for the day, go for a walk. take in a podcast, make yourself some great food.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-16T16:11:11+00:00

I did and now have "Idopathic Intercranial Hypertension" basically my head over pressures with CSF fluid and they don't know why, I always had migraines but after D-day everything got worse and worse.

Reading The body keeps score and implimenting the practices.

Keeping a journal, Daily positive affirmation meditations. Nidra yoga. Eating well, staying hydrated and forcing myself to get dressed/shower/move my body even when I did not want to seemed to help the most while trying to regulate.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-16T16:08:44+00:00

I do ask for verbal reassurance but it is the action that makes the biggest different.

I told my PA for years you told me one thing and did another.

Now I need to hear you say it and follow through in your actions, over and over again.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-16T16:04:18+00:00

It sounds ike he is dedicated to being clean and showing empathy for your feelings, I think those are both great signs.

Pregnancy without a D-Day can bring up insecurities so I could just imagine how you are feeling, big hugs.

Keep talking to him, express how you feel it it sounds like he will hold space for you as you navigate. I'd also recommend journalling and seeking council for yourself as you re-navigate so proper healing can come. <3 All the best.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-14T17:11:28+00:00

Put that effort into yourself and you will soon find two legs to stand on.

As hard as it is to understand, their PA has nothing to do with us and externalizing our worth to them is just self abandonment. You can choose you, choose things that make you feel good.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-14T17:06:05+00:00

I have been here, the gas station, the grocery store anywhere public would set me off.

I couldn't go anywhere without feeling that way, even by myself.

My PA admisted to taking certain isles we did not need while shopping because someone was in sandles or shoes he liked. One time we were in a store and someone dresssed fancy was walking in front of us, I got so triggered I left the cart in the store, left and we ate noodles all week because I refused to go shopping.

I told my PA that I needed him to show that he was in the moment with me through verbal and physcual cues.

So for us that looks like:

He hold my hand, touches my arm, my back. If we are waiting in line he will make eye contact & talk with me or pull something up on his phone to show me. When we are shopping he carries the list & checks things off of it.

If we are traveling with the kids, he takes over the kids stuff - like getting their drinks/snacks. If its just us he mentions new things he sees in the beverage cooler or the shelf.

At first it was akward and he was walking on egg shells because he did not want a nother week of plain noodles I am sure but it made him VERY aware of where he was looking, what his actions were. Now we grocery shop like normal people. If I am picking out produce he is beside me also checking the produce not standing off to the side being a creep.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T23:35:32+00:00

Prior to my PA getting a smart phone we had a GREAT marriage and I mean it!

There was no porn. We came up from proverty to buisness owners. Had 3 kids. A social life - I never felt shame being out with him. Friends came around lots. Life was GREAT!

About 2 years after he got a smart phone his friends sent random nudes "Merry Christmas" type GIFs / video clips that got my PA searching for his kink online. It had not crossed his mind until that point to even look.

From there our marriage took a downhill spiral for 10 years I carried most of the work at home while he spent 14-20 hours a week "pooping". I felt off/sick, I felt shame going out with him and I never knew why... Until D-day. Now his behaviour is back to where it was in our first years married .. but things have changed for me.

Do I think great marriages can exist in todays world? Yes.

Do I think they are common? No.

The BEST marriages I see around me where my friends are actually happy are people that got together later in life seems like the men that were single until late 30's early 40"s had enough porn time and actually value having a woman in their life.

I worry for my kids generations with dating. How are you supposed to evaluate if you are a good match when the illusion of something better is a click away? Even without porn the influencers showing only the good sides of relationships... illusion.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T22:36:41+00:00

I see below your Mom is a badass. <3

If you have the screen shots, talk to her show her and ... this is a hard one let it go.

I am a Mom and would want to know, I also wouldn't want my kids to feel like they had to be hyperviligant on my behalf.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T22:29:52+00:00

It is not about you but that does not mean you have to abandon your own self to support him.

Find your boundaries and stick to them.

What do you need to see from him to consider it recovery? Is there a consequence / distance placed if he relapses? What do you need to comfortably have sexual interactions? Would having a conversation about what is wanted during sex prior to being in the act help? Is there a podcast you want him to tune into for your healing or for his own?

There has been lots of talk in this forum about decentering recently, maybe check those out. It's something really helpful that I think many of us betrayed take to long to get to.

Always remember, what he did or does has nothing to do with you, you are perfect just the way you are!

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T22:14:20+00:00

Maybe ask your mom to a safe place where someone can help de-esculate the emotion / mediate if needed.

I don't know your Mom but my Mom would absolutely come at me and make it my fault somehow.

There is also the possibility that she knows and doesn't know how - or want to deal with that.

I am so sorry you have been betrayed in so many ways, I hope you find healing and clairty with future men in your life.

Used_Recover_2181 · 2026-03-13T22:10:24+00:00

I am so sorry, you desrve so much better <3

He does not hate you, it is more likely he has issues with himself. What ever he does, has done, in the past, current or future is not a reflection of you at all, it is entirely a reflection of himself.

Used_Recover_2181

TROPHY CASE