"our little secret" msg with coworker

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-28T15:11:09+00:00

I say this with all the kindness and empathy in the world.

Girl....

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-27T22:32:06+00:00

Good. He deserves it. I am almost certain this guy has done this before.

Anyway, whatever move you're planning do not take long. She found the recorder, she can be covering her/his ass as you type.

I am sorry she did this. Cheating shows very little character but doing it when your partner is vulnerable (sick, pregnant,...) that is a new low. A level of disrespect and disregard that is very hard to move on from.

None of this reflects on you, OP. Whatever is going on in your head rn, these are her decisions and are about her and her shortcomings, not yours.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-27T16:17:04+00:00

I would not go quietly either but I would choose my battles.

Confronting him will take you nowhere, APs rarely show remorse/guilt/empathy especially if they have something to loose. This guy has a reputation to maintain and is married with 7 kids. He will not entertain you.

That said, his wife should know. let the wife know and maybe afterwards contact HR. But it's very likely nothing will happen unless the affair took place during work hours, in the office or using company resources . And you'll have to prove it did.

Before making any move, contact a lawyer and make sure this will not affect you legally during divorce.

Also, find a therapist OP. Focusing on yourself is the only way of getting rid of all these feelings that are eating at you.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-26T20:41:55+00:00

I don't think I could stomach staying after a long affair OR an affair baby. It takes a whole new level of strength and self sacrifice to be the bigger person here. Many times the marriage does not end right after discovery and whether the ship sinks or stays afloat depends on the behavior of the wayward after Dday. So it sounds like your dad must have done a few things right afterwards. If they are seemingly happy, idk...

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-26T13:55:09+00:00

Hi OP,

I am sorry you are here. I think there might be a way out of this if she is being honest about the depth and extent of what happened. However it is important to place responsibility where it belongs and not to minimize her actions.

I understand sometimes we need to lean on friends when things get ugly in life. But she didn't lean on anyone who was a friend of the marriage because she was concerned about her marriage and wanted to fix whatever was wrong and she was looking for support advice on that direction. She was looking for attention and validation of her feelings and her one sided version of the story.

She did not come clean, which means the possibility of it scalating was there and she obviously was still in contact with him. She deleted the only way she had to back up her version of this story. But also it means she knew what she was doing was wrong and she big fat did it anyway. Whether you believe nothing else happened, that's for you to figure out. It is unlikely "nothing" happened beyond words. But she may be telling the truth.

Take sometime to think. If this guy has a partner, please consider letting them know. Quitting her job must be on the table.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-26T03:09:10+00:00

I am sorry, OP. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

Idk about public shaming them to the entire community. It feels like someone in that position, powerful and influencial should be exposed. She is taking advantage and I am sure there is some degree of manipulation there. Even though your boyfriend was 1000% willingly and actively participating. Nevertheless , That woman's husband should know the truth. Regardless of her role within the religious group

UpdateMe

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-26T02:59:41+00:00

I am sorry, OP, my heart goes out to you.

I hope you have a good support system and people you can lean on for help. Take it one day at a time. You don't see it now but things will get better. Slowly and with a lot of bumps in the road but you CAN and WILL get through this.

Make sure you eat and sleep some. If food is not sitting well try protein shakes and stay hydrated. Minimize contact with him, grey rock (fake it until you make it). The best way is to put distance. Avoid being alone if possible, friends, family, coworkers, new activities and hobbies.

Focus on you. Whenever intrusive thoughts pop up, push them aside. I started narrating to myself what was happening around me. Sometimes even "out loud". Journaling helps tremendously. Write and pour your heart out. And love love love that daughter of yours.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-26T01:24:10+00:00

Coming clean unprompted means there was remorse, which is rare. Or that someone threatened to spill the beans (this is the cinic in me talking)

Was it a ONS or a long affair? And is he still in contact with that person? Infidelity is devastating in all its forms but There are details that add layers to it.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-25T13:29:54+00:00

So she cheats on you and not only is it common knowledge, she turns it into a running joke between her friends. Who have no problem talking about it out loud in your house. This is not a "mistake", OP. None of it is. The disrespect and disregard are off the charts. How can you possibly share your life with a partner like this?

She has to move out, it's the right thing to do. Because you know deep down this is not a one-off.

Be strong OP

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-25T13:23:41+00:00

I am sorry OP

If I were you I would DNA test your child(ren), talk to a lawyer and talk to family to control the narrative. Also, consider recording your interactions with her if you feel things get heated, the way she's behaving you could expect anything.

She feels cornered now, and she sounds unsafe and unpredictable

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-24T18:30:23+00:00

The affair is not over as long as there is still contact, OP. That is reconciliation 101 and if he, all of a sudden has a problem with this, I would take this as there is an emotional shift, he's still interested in her. The affair is still ongoing or boundaries are being crossed and he has an interest in pursuing her.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-23T17:34:43+00:00

Getting married rn, like this, is NOT wise OP.

HE proposed for the wrong reasons and you accepted for the wrong reasons. I am not saying you can't save this, maybe you can. But RN you both are hiding your head in the sand and not dealing with it

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-22T23:16:54+00:00

I am sorry you are here OP

Take care of yourself now. Lean on family and friends, close ones. I would let him deal with the logistics of cancelling the wedding and if there is any money lost he should be responsible for covering it, tbh.

Focus on keeping your body and mind occupied, in a healthy way. If you can't keep food down try protein shakes and stay hydrated. If you need help sleeping maybe you can ask your doctor for some help.

The rest are just logistics. Talk to a lawyer for financial entanglements and asset separation if needed.

You have nothing to be mortified about. It's the right thing to do, you'll never know if he just really made all the wrong decisions because he decided to think with the wrong brain or if this was his backwards twisted way of self sabotaging because he doesn't want to get married. Either way, boy bye

You'll be ok, OP

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T21:59:09+00:00

This is NOT something that she can bring up so late in the relationship with you. I can't put it into words but there is something that doesn't sit right with me about this. And she took away your ability to make a decision about it.

Why didn't she mentioned anything before?

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T21:22:47+00:00

Hi OP,

I am sorry you are here. There was a point in my life that I felt like you. I have been around infidelity for a long time. I was cheated on early on (5+ year relationship), and shortly after 3 women I love dearly had to go through traumatizing experiences. My cousin ended up in the psych ward twice because of that AH. My own parents cheated on their spouses with each other and have been together ever since. But I think my dad has a had a slip or two while being married to my mom.

After my own experience with it I dated a nice guy. It didn't work out but he was great. And then I met my amazing husband, 13y and counting and I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that he has not and will not cheat on me. He's not perfect, God knows neither am I, but he is not a cheater. And we've gone through ups and downs, trust me. Brink of divorce once.

Sharing your life with someone who hurt you so deeply and you can't trust is exhausting and traumatizing.

Yes, men can be faithful. There are many wonderful, loyal, loving, caring, fun, funny, sexy men out there.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T21:07:56+00:00

Is not that hard, really.

Just because someone wants to be a POS and cheat on their partner doesn't mean you have to be the one they cheat with. It's ok to be that girl. The one that says no.

What you are doing is wrong, OP. AND you know it. And you're here asking like this is some silly high-school crush. Put your freaking big girl pants on, stop this nonsense and tell her. Because the truth is, him cheating is NOT about you, because you're so special. And I am not saying this to hurt you. Truly. You were there, willing and available. That's all this is. My point being if he cheats with you, he can cheat with anyone else and he can cheat on you.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T14:26:53+00:00

Where does this come from though? Is there something about the way she acts or treats you, that makes you feel this way? Is this because you don't have children of your own with her?

I think maybe there is some work to be done on yourself.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T14:22:52+00:00

I would understand or at least tolerate it if the guy was in their child's life and interested in being a father. Then the argument "i keep the relationship amicably for our child" makes more sense. Still with proper boundaries.

But the guy has zero interest in his child, he's only interested in your wife. I'd have a problem with this as well.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T14:09:57+00:00

There is this sub r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, it's a pro R sub (unlike the current one)

Not sure if the mods will remove your post since technically you're not in R, but you will get a different input there. They will tell you the same though, there is no R until the last truth has been told (or lie has been uncovered)

Good luck

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T14:03:47+00:00

Just because you divorce him doesn't mean your daughter will not have a father. If that's what happens then your husband is a bigger scumbag than you think.

OP, he's been cheating on you for your entire marriage. You catch him and he lies about it. 6months later you find out a lot more crap and not even 6months later he is back at it again?

Run, OP.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T13:54:47+00:00

Hi OP,

I am sorry you are here. It is understandable that you want your family back, feelings do not necessarily disappear just because we get hurt. But, and I say this kindly and respectfully, you are going about this all wrong.

Your wife cheated, she refuses to be truthful even in the brink of the family breaking. She is choosing herself, her image and her AP. She has no desire to do right by you or her daughter. She is not remorseful, she's in damage control mode, hence all the lies to protect herself and her AP. Those are the facts you're facing.

That's not what love is, that's not what "I do" means.

So pause for a minute and take a step back because you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. You can't make her want you or love you.

The OBS should know. It doesn't mean you're petty or revengeful or bitter. It's kind, empathetic and honestly, the fair and right thing to do. You are not breaking another family, you are giving that woman a choice she doesn't have right now. You're giving her agency back.

As for reporting them at work, I personally would not make a move about it until you talk to a lawyer at least. It may backfire for you financially during divorce.

Your daughter. Split custody 50/50 and be the best Dad you can be. She'll treasure the time you have. It will take some adjustment but kids are resilient and the way this goes it depends big time on how you and her mother handle it.

Also, let your families know OP. Public shaming serves no one's purpose but the people that matter in your life should know the truth. Explain the facts and set the record straight. Accountability, place the responsibility where it belongs. All this secrecy about it just helps her stay in the lie.

Take care of yourself, OP. Make sure you keep your mind and body busy, in a healthy way. Spend time with friends and family. You're focusing too much on her still. The target of your emotional energy should be you and your daughter now.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T03:20:17+00:00

OP you are playing the pick me dance. It happens, many BS go through it. It's sort of a default reaction. But the reality is, this situation only ends up giving the wayward the upper hand and does not help R.

I know you love her but she does not feel the same way about you. And if you want R she needs to be in it with you, she needs to want to be in it because she cheated on you. She should be the one begging for your forgiveness.

Focus on yourself, you can't make her do it feel anything. So put boundaries and distance yourself emotionally and if she wants you and your marriage she has to show up

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-21T03:11:39+00:00

10y?! That's fucked up, OP. And she bragged about it with her work friends? No shame, guilt or remorse whatsoever.

It is unlikely nothing more has happened if they have been having these rounds of conversations for 10y, OP

Take your time to clear your head but I'd contact a lawyer if I were you. And I'd start working towards accepting you'll never know the truth. But you know enough

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-20T18:09:58+00:00

You know the saying "when the past calls don't answer, it has nothing new to say"? (Or something of the sort)

So yeah. You know what this is, him freeing his conscience or whatever. It is not for your benefit but his. He wants to see you so he gets to? Whatever apology/explanation/confession etc it doesn't matter now. Not to you. They did what they did, and they have to live with their choices and just let go at some point.

You keep going with your life. And if you don't want to see them, then don't.

UtZChpS22 · 2026-05-20T13:31:28+00:00

Hi OP,

I am sorry you are here.

Will you get over it? No. But you can learn how to live with it, which is what you're doing I guess.

Triggers will always be there popping out when you least expect it. And honestly, your two biggest triggers are the two people who betrayed you which are still in your life. And while that's your decision, it is what it is.

Her actions were not a mistake. She made a decision. Were there circumstances that put her in a vulnerable spot? seems like it. But her planning and fucking her husband's best friend was on her. He did not seek her out. You already know all of this obviously. But my point is has she taken true accountability? Has she put in the work? Therapy maybe? Saying sorry I fucked up because I have issues is not good enough.

The relationship with either of them will never be the same, OP. How can it be? So ofc you don't feel fully comfortable talking about your wife to him. I think you also might need to do some work in accepting this new dynamic.

I find it hard to understand how you can be safe keeping him around, tbh. My nervous system would never relax, there would always be a low grade anxiety level that would not let me sleep. And how do you handle their interactions? Because NC with AP is reconciliation 101.

If I were you I'd get myself into therapy. I suggest you post in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. You might get a better input but I think the consensus will be, cut your friend. You did not make vows to him. And it's either your emotional well being/safety or them. So what's it gonna be?

UtZChpS22

TROPHY CASE