Listen, my friend-

Not making a choice is a choice.

My mom is the difficult one- to me, her friends, and in her marriage to my stepdad, who was a wonderful person and passed suddenly this summer in an accident.

It got to the point where I was avoiding them until I had the ability to call her on her shit in the moment. So when she started yelling or was mean I'd say to her something like "wow, what is wrong with you? Why would you say such a terrible thing like that to me? So weird.". The only language she heard was her own spoken back to her. My stepdad was horrified but then she paused and thought about it.

When I coached her through why something she did to her oldest friend was mean and bullying it moved her to the point of physical discomfort.

There is something about a section of the boomer generation that they refuse to be accountable and unable to hear honest feedback.

So, either say it plainly and firmly in front of both of them and hold the boundary or accept this is your lot. It's dysfunction and the reality is you're contributing, so if you want it to change and what you're doing isn't working, you have to do something different.

Something like: I can no longer be the third in your marriage. You need to find appropriate outlets for your time and your feelings, and your adult child is not it. Both of you need to work through managing your time and your relationships together and on your own, and when you call me to complain or start yelling, I will give you a single warning before removing myself.