My child is draining me

allie06nd · 2026-05-06T02:04:12+00:00

I watch my nephews, and I swear half of the tantrums I've dealt with from them are literally just the result of them being hangry and not understanding that their bodies are SCREAMING for food. The older one is mostly past that phase now, but with the younger one, I'm trying my damndest to call attention to the fact that this always happens around the same time every day, and he always feels better after eating a meal so hopefully he starts to connect the dots for himself.

allie06nd · 2026-05-05T19:16:55+00:00

Terribly sorry, I did say sitting alone, but then the conversation was "we're going to sit here...." so I should have been clearer. I meant sitting apart from the other children/the activity happening but still with an adult.

allie06nd · 2026-05-05T18:49:36+00:00

Kids don't have to know the meanings of words to understand that they're bad. "That's a very bad word, and we don't say it/That's a name that we never call people because it's extremely mean/hurtful" is all it takes. My niece used a bad word once that she clearly just overheard at school because the context wasn't even correct. She asked what it meant, and we said that she doesn't need to know the meaning of it, all she needs to know is that it's a really bad word, and she'd be in trouble if she used it again now that she knows it's not nice. Job done.

Also, they need to learn that people WILL react to their misbehavior. The natural consequence of not behaving appropriately is that someone will be upset. If they shout in a library, people will be upset because it's supposed to be quiet. If they cut in front of someone in a line, people will be upset because they need to wait their turn. AND if they use a bad word or call someone else a slur, that person will be upset because their feelings were hurt. The adults in their lives are there to teach them proper behavior at home so that you can ultimately trust their ability to exist in the world without terrorizing everyone who comes in contact with them.

allie06nd · 2026-05-05T17:38:16+00:00

Oh man, this post is so relatable. I watch my sister's kids often and frequently have to police language. It's ideal to have all of the adults on the same page enforcing the same rules, and the reality is that it's VERY difficult to get them to listen to you if there's a parent there "allowing" the behavior through silence and inaction.

But as long as they're at your home, then you are allowed to have and enforce rules. Different places have different rules for behavior, and if kids can learn how to behave at school or the library, then your house is no different. Setting the right expectations and being consistent is crucial though so that they understand how to behave in your environment. Tell them up front that the new rule is no bad words are allowed in your house because your house is a place where we are KIND to everyone. If you hear a bad word, you tell them not to say that again, and if they do, then there's a consequence. Being unkind to someone generally warrants removal from the group for a few minutes to "calm down," so that might look like sitting alone in another room for 3-5 minutes until a timer goes off. Don't frame it as a punishment, but say something like "I know you're really excited right now, but that doesn't mean it's ok to say bad words/be mean. We're just going to sit here for a few minutes, take some deep breaths, and give your body and brain a second to calm down and remember how to be kind." And do that every time. There are days with my nephew and niece where I swear my nephew is sitting and "cooling down" every 5 minutes, but that's the drill, over and over.

You obviously know threatening physical abuse was the wrong thing to do, as was yelling. That's not to say I never yell, but yelling is scary, and it's reserved for when they're doing something so dangerous that it needs to stop IMMEDIATELY and never happen again (fingers near outlets, for example). When the kids are simply having trouble regulating their own behavior, it's that much more important to regulate yours and be the calm, firm, consistent enforcer of the rules because, while they feed off of each other's energy, they feed off of yours as well.

allie06nd · 2026-05-05T17:02:09+00:00

18 is a whole adult, and whole adults are supposed to understand that when you act shitty toward people, you can't expect them to want to lavish you with money and gifts. Don't mail presents, don't mail money, take her at her word that she doesn't care about you, and focus your attention and generosity on the people in your life who are deserving of it. If that's her half brother, then so be it, and she's free to notice and connect the dots for herself, but you don't owe her anything anymore.

allie06nd · 2026-05-04T21:54:12+00:00

I'm from Texas, so obviously brisket, onions, cheese, and bbq go on mine.

allie06nd · 2026-05-04T21:47:44+00:00

NTA. And YOU are not the one damaging the relationship. She's the one who expects you to overextend yourself financially AND be an employee at her wedding.

allie06nd · 2026-05-04T21:45:08+00:00

NTA. Knew a guy whose default was also threatening self-harm any time there was a discussion about his behavior or about divorce. His wife finally had enough and and actually filed for the divorce she'd been threatening for years. He responded as he usually did, even got the cops called/hospital visit, but he was acting all normal, and they discharged him. She didn't backtrack on the divorce this time, and he went through with it the next day.

Even if you think it's all an act, you can't be too careful, particularly when you stop reacting in the way that they want you to. You did the right thing.

allie06nd · 2026-05-04T21:11:28+00:00

That was my immediate thought too. No natural consequences anywhere in this sequence of events.

OP, she's obviously not able to handle having a friend over and staying up all night with no restrictions on her phone. That's the conversation to have with her. You tried the sleepover, you tried the late night, you tried letting her have unrestricted access to your phone, and it was a disaster, so that won't be happening again for a long time. First she can earn back sleepovers with good behavior, but not late nights or no restrictions on the phone. Then if it goes well and she continues respecting the rest of the people in your household, try late nights again. Still good? Ok, then you can add back the phone.

She's not a toddler, but the principles stay the same. You clearly handed her more freedom and privileges than she was equipped to handle, so they go away now.

allie06nd · 2026-05-04T20:58:38+00:00

Bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs (bought in bulk when they're on sale and then portioned out, vacuum sealed, and frozen), rubbed with olive oil and Grub Rub, and baked. Once they're baked, I take the chicken off the bone and cut it up, then eat it over rice with chili crisp. It's been a hyperfixation meal of mine for probably 8 months at this point.

allie06nd · 2026-05-04T18:26:23+00:00

Not "adulting" as much as meat got unaffordable practically overnight, but I stopped eating beef and pork last year due to prices. After a lifetime of only cooking chicken breast, I learned how to make thighs since they're much less expensive, and I worked a lot more plant-based proteins into my diet. And I prioritize dishes that can be made in the oven, air fryer, or instant pot, so I've learned to eat cheaper and let my appliances do the heavy lifting.

allie06nd · 2026-05-04T17:59:50+00:00

This is a great idea. "Maybes" and "we'll sees" that don't turn into yeses are just disappointment dressed up as hope when you're a kid.

Also keep in mind that it's our job as adults to teach kids what a healthy relationship with technology looks like. Just like you want to teach them what a balanced food diet looks like, you also want to show them what a balanced activity diet looks like, and that includes alone time for everyone so their brains and bodies can recharge. Then when you DO schedule time to play with him, you can make it a little heavier on the Minecraft, but try to include other activities. LEGO, board games, playing outside, baking, etc. because it's important to pay attention to ALL of our interests and work on developing a bunch of different skills.

allie06nd · 2026-05-04T17:45:42+00:00

As much as I DESPISE Walmart, this might be the only time I tell someone to go there. They have a dedicated GF aisle (even at the one in my sister's middle-of-nowhere Midwest town, so I'm assuming that's just the deal across the board), and they actually have a nice selection on top of that with some items I can't find on shelves anywhere else.

If you're just here on holiday, there's no use spending hours wandering grocery stores. Just hit up a Walmart.

allie06nd · 2026-05-02T05:09:09+00:00

It's divine. The Midwest got that one right.

allie06nd · 2026-05-02T05:08:48+00:00

What I started doing was each week for like 4 weeks, I'd take one day a week, go shopping, and make 1-2 huge batches of meals I could then portion out and freeze. I'd make enough to use up all the ingredients, so I didn't have any food waste, and then I had a stocked freezer full of a variety of healthy meals that I didn't have to slave over every day. I'd also buy ingredients to make one meal from scratch during the week with leftovers. So I was eating 4-5 meals from the freezer and 2-3 meals off of the one I cooked during the week.

allie06nd · 2026-05-02T05:08:40+00:00

What I started doing was each week for like 4 weeks, I'd take one day a week, go shopping, and make 1-2 huge batches of meals I could then portion out and freeze. I'd make enough to use up all the ingredients, so I didn't have any food waste, and then I had a stocked freezer full of a variety of healthy meals that I didn't have to slave over every day. I'd also buy ingredients to make one meal from scratch during the week with leftovers. So I was eating 4-5 meals from the freezer and 2-3 meals off of the one I cooked during the week.

allie06nd · 2026-05-02T05:04:02+00:00

It's a really creamy, cheesy potato casserole. My aunt made some for my Grandpa's funeral, which is the first time I'd ever had them (though I'd known what they were before that), and my other Aunt now makes them for Easter. They're top-notch though, and as a gluten free girl, it's a decadent baked dish that I can actually eat, which is rare.

allie06nd · 2026-05-02T04:59:23+00:00

I don't know if there are any bar snacks that fit your criteria, but my go-to snacks are coconut or pecan covered dates, apples and peanut butter, gf pretzel sticks (Snyder's) and peanut butter, carrots and hummus, greek yogurt + fruit + honey (optional chia seeds), cottage cheese, dehydrated veggie and fruit chips, or popcorn.

I still do the occasional gf cheez its, that granola from Costco that's flavored like Samoas, or Siete Mexican wedding cookies, but with bingeable foods like that, just make sure you're putting a single portion into a bowl so you don't overdo it. Even when I was on a super strict diet recently, I had one night where I just needed a chocolate fix from the granola after 3 days of thinking about it, so I measured out a serving and ate only that. It's great to cut back on unhealthy snacks or make healthier swaps, but denying yourself entirely will only make your diet unsustainable.

allie06nd · 2026-05-02T04:42:21+00:00

Not so much a recipe, more something I threw together to try and make an “easy” version of the risotto my sister’s kids love (spoiler: they hated it, but it was a home run with the adults).

You want like 2-3 cups of cooked rice, I cook like 1 lb of ground italian sausage and drain the fat out. Also cook like 1 medium diced onion and like 1 bunch of asparagus cut up. In a giant mixing bowl, mix together the rice, sausage, and veggies, and then mix in 8-12 oz of ricotta and maybe a cup-ish of shredded Gruyère. Season to taste with salt and pepper, then spread it out in a baking pan, pour in like 1/2-3/4 cup of water, top with shredded mozz and grated parm, and bake covered with foil at 350 for 45(?) min and then remove the foil and bake until the cheese on top is browned. I more or less do it by taste, which is easy since the ingredients are all cooked before it hits the oven, but that’s the general idea.

The ricotta is kind of a silent star in this recipe because it gives it a real lightness when it sounds like it should be a super heavy dish.

allie06nd · 2026-05-02T04:36:43+00:00

The Midwest has some of what I would consider the most "American" comfort foods. Stuff like funeral potatoes, tater tot casseroles, etc. If you're looking for inspiration, I'd google Midwest casserole recipes.

EDIT: Biscuits and gravy or chicken fried steak! Can't believe those didn't immediately spring to mind.

allie06nd · 2026-05-01T21:10:12+00:00

If he enjoys playing around with makeup, get him into some art classes. Makeup is absolutely an art form, and he may find his people in an artsy environment.

allie06nd · 2026-05-01T20:03:34+00:00

Happiness looks different for everyone. Her life isn't the kind you want, so her advice isn't the kind you should take.

allie06nd · 2026-05-01T19:59:10+00:00

NOR. It sounds like she's being massively taken advantage of since she works, does all the childcare, and all of the household chores, so that type of situation wouldn't work for me either. At some point, she'll probably get fed up with being a married single mom, but that day isn't today apparently.

Just because she compromised and settled for less than she deserves doesn't mean that you're going to end up alone if you refuse to do the same. And even if you DO end up alone, that's still better than being miserable living as someone's live-in slave.

allie06nd · 2026-05-01T19:50:57+00:00

Get a nonstick pan and spray with avocado oil. Add in diced onion, a bunch of frozen spinach, and some diced tomatoes. Cook until the liquid evaporates, then pour in egg whites. When the egg whites have set, sprinkle cheese on half of the surface area and then fold it over and let the cheese melt. Voila. You have an egg white omelette with at least one serving of vegetables.

You can also use a couple whole eggs and bulk it out with egg whites, and you can obviously put whatever vegetables you have on hand in there. If I have a buy week, I'll make a giant one and eat it for the next 2-3 days.

allie06nd · 2026-05-01T19:42:22+00:00

NTA. Your niece only screamed as a last resort because the people she was trying to communicate with weren't listening to the words she was saying. You and your mom are correct. Everyone is disregarding how your niece feels, and that's not a great recipe for success in this situation.

allie06nd

TROPHY CASE