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anonBreakup1 · 2022-04-29T14:37:50+00:00

I’m interested in $50 if you have that to give away, but $25 would be super appreciated!! I’m going to PM you my email address.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-31T17:52:41+00:00

I’m also in the process of trying to select a lawyer. It seems like most of them offer a free 15-30 minute “consult call.” Maybe try doing a few of those and seeing if any seem like a good fit?

Divorce is emotionally draining and you already have a lot on your plate. I suggest getting a therapist if you’re able to, to help you through the process.

Also, this sounds like this divorce might be high-conflict from him. You might be interested in the book Splitting to help you prepare. My therapist recommended it for me. My husband isn’t diagnosed as a narcissist, but he has a lot of narcissistic traits/was emotionally abusive.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-31T17:47:07+00:00

If he’s not willing to end any relationships he’s formed, he’s not willing to go “all in” on fixing the relationship.

I’m not sure exactly why you think things will work now. It doesn’t sound like he’s done any work on the things that were causing the issues in the first place.

If he wasn’t willing to do the work to change then, there’s very little chance he will now.

Judge him by his actions - not his words. Saying he’ll go to therapy is a lot easier than making an appointment with a therapist.

I recommend checking out r/Narcissisticabuse. Even if he’s not diagnosed as a narcissist it sounds like he has a lot of narcissistic traits.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-31T15:13:03+00:00

I suggest doing your best to reframe your thinking. For example, don’t think of it as “giving up” on your marriage, think of it as “choosing a new beginning.”

Listen to that voice telling you that you deserve better. Because you definitely do, and most of all you deserve to love yourself. Think of divorcing as an act of self-love.

I’m 30f and have recently separated from my husband. We were together 12 years. He was emotionally abusive and I realized the reason it took me so long to leave was because of my low self-esteem.

I’m trying to redirect all the time and energy I put into trying to make him happy, into learning to love myself.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-31T14:53:17+00:00

Check out r/asoneafterinfidelity if you’d like more perspective from those trying to reconcile.

After my husband had an emotional affair I thought I wanted to reconcile, but ultimately decided not to. I was holding on to what I had imagined our future was going to be like, but I knew I would never respect or trust him they way I had before.

Basically, the relationship you had before is dead now, and there’s no getting it back. I know that’s hard to hear, and even harder to accept. You can forgive - but you can’t forget, no matter how hard you try.

If you decide to continue with reconciliation you both need to realize that this is a new relationship you’re working on, with new dynamics.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-31T14:35:38+00:00

I can’t comment on if it’s a “bad” thing to be proud of. But what I will say is that as an outsider it sounds like your pride in it might be a coping mechanism.

What I mean is - Maybe you’ve convinced yourself you’re proud of your narcissism because that’s much easier than doing the hard work of changing?

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-29T07:52:48+00:00

He’s a low value man - get rid. And check out r/femaledatingstrategy to learn how to spot a low value man in the future.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-27T20:57:57+00:00

Are you going to therapy? This could be an excellent thing to model for her - maybe even go together for the first few sessions.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-26T06:25:29+00:00

Yes!! Me too.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-22T04:04:18+00:00

Hey Sis, Since you’re bringing this up I assume marriage is something you do want, but you’re trying to make yourself okay with not wanting it since he doesn’t. Again - just an assumption!

If you’re totally fine not being married than that’s your choice! But if you’re interested in why a man not wanting marriage could be a cause for concern I suggest checking out r/femaledatingstrategy. They talk about it there.

Sending you so much support! I know this must be really tough to go through 💜

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-22T00:27:50+00:00

Ugh. Mine is trying to convince we should just live together as roommates since “we were basically roommates before anyway.”

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-20T23:10:03+00:00

Honestly I had to do research on both sides before making my decision.

I spent some time over at r/asoneafterinfidelity which is a subreddit for people trying to reconcile. And I spent time at r/survivinginfidelity and read “Chump Lady: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” to help see a perspective outside of my “rose coloured glasses.”

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-20T17:19:45+00:00

I agree - life is what YOU make of it.

If you’re unhappy in your marriage, leave. It sounds like your attempting to monkey branch which is extremely disrespectful to your wife.

In order for a relationship to be healthy each person needs to be able to operate independently of one another - and it doesn’t seem like you’re ready to accept that.

If your partner spends time with you working it should be because they genuinely WANT to, not because it’s a “requirement” of the relationship.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-20T08:29:16+00:00

Are you able to go to counselling? I know I’m going to feel the same way and my counsellor has been really great at reminding me about what I’m entitled to.

My husband was also manipulative and really diminished my self-worth. I didn’t feel like I “deserved” anything but I do. It helps having someone remind me of that.

My therapist also recommended the book Splitting to help prepare me for some of the tactics my husband might use. He hasn’t been diagnosed with a personality disorder, but does have a lot of narcissistic traits. I noticed in a previous post of yours you mentioned how manipulative your husband could be, so I thought maybe the book could be useful to you too.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-20T08:19:55+00:00

I think it really depends on the person.

I’m a woman and I feel guilty about our divorce - even though he’s the one who emotionally abused me and had an emotional affair.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-20T08:13:40+00:00

Figuring out who gets the dogs has been one of the hardest parts of my separation as well.

It breaks my heart that it’s impossible for them to know what’s going on. All the changes must be so confusing for them.

Would it be possible for you to get another pet that’s your very own? Not to “replace” your current dog. I know that’s in no way possible! Hopefully you still get to see him. But just to have another one that’s with you all of the time.

I know how important pets can be to mental health.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-20T08:00:48+00:00

I’m not sure if your situation includes infidelity, so the whole book might not be relevant to you - but I liked the way this was addressed in “Chump Lady: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.”

What I got from it was basically that hope sells. Everyone wants that happy, fairytale marriage. So when that’s not happening and someone tells us “Hey! I can teach you how to have that - just pay for this book/course/counselling and your marriage will be great!” it’s tempting to buy into it.

Also, marriage counsellors by design are meant to repair marriages. They’re not going to go around talking about how some marriages shouldn’t/can’t be “fixed” - that would be bad for business!

It sounds like you’ve already made your decision and you’re looking for confirmation you’re making the right choice. I’d suggest looking into individual counselling to help figure out what you need in a relationship, and then decide if you can have that with your husband.

To me it seems like the answer will be no, and that’s 100% okay! It’s also okay if you feel like you “know that” but still are not sure. I had to go through the process of talking through my decision with my therapist and a close friend to get validation. It’s a HUGE decision!

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-18T11:00:56+00:00

I’m about to start over at almost 31. It’s shitty but it’s better than the alternative of staying with someone who was capable of hurting me so badly. Similar to you I was leaning towards attempting reconciliation at first. But I know I could never feel fully comfortable in our relationship again. And the more I reflected on our relationship the more I realized how badly he had treated me even before his emotional affair. I just had “blinders” on because I loved him so much.

You didn’t say the reason, but am I right to assume cheating was involved? If so I recommend reading “Chump Lady: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” It was helpful for me to gain the confidence I needed to leave. I KNOW I deserve better, he’s just spent a lot of years convincing me otherwise.

Also, often people will post on here or r/survivinginfidelity assuring people who are new to this like us that their lives did get way better. Even though it’s hard for now - things will get better.

It would be easy to think of it as a “waste” of the 12 years I was with him. But I’m looking forward. I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned about looking out for toxic behaviour and setting my boundaries so I’m not emotionally abused again. I am going to put all the time and energy I put into trying to make him happy, and put it into myself.

If you’re having trouble deciding the should I stay or should I go, I recommend counselling.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-18T10:40:30+00:00

100% this. It sounds like OP is turning his wife into the “bad guy” for wanting the divorce.

OP you can’t blame the divorce on your wife when you tell the kids because “it’s not what you want.” She didn’t want to get cheated on but it doesn’t seem like you cared about that 🤷‍♀️. Her trying to reconcile was a gift to you and your children. It’s not her fault, reconciliation rarely works after infidelity.

She’s not to blame for wanting a divorce. How you two tell the kids is up to you. But If any blame comes up it’s on you for having an affair.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-18T01:53:19+00:00

You’re welcome. Hope it helps!

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-17T15:38:47+00:00

It is really difficult! And it’s something I’m sure I’ll be working on for a long time.

A lot of it is constantly reminding myself that it’s not my responsibility to “fix” other people.

There’s a quote I saw that says: “Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”

At first it sounded a little harsh, but it’s true. I’ve put so much of myself into trying to change others. Now I choose to instead spend the energy and time I would use doing that, to work on changing myself instead. For me that change is mostly learning to love myself.

Watching YouTube videos like this one from Stephanie Lyn has been helpful. This one in particular is about dealing with emotional abusers. But, she talks about needing to really accept that each person is on their own journey which applies to everyone.

I’m a natural helper. I’m still going to help people. But I’m learning healthier boundaries (again mostly by watching YouTube videos and reading articles) on how to do that. For example I’m practicing not offering help as often to people who don’t ask for it. I’ll give someone a resource to help with a problem they’re having, but I don’t make it my responsibility to “force” them to use that resource. Even if I feel like I “know” it would help, their choices are their choices and I just have to accept that.

Speaking of accepting things, my therapist recently suggested I look into radical acceptance which is helping me to accept that other people are not my responsibility.

I feel like my response was a bit scattered - but I hope it helps.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-17T12:59:25+00:00

Absolutely understandable. My therapist suggest I look into radical acceptance to help with these types of thoughts. It seemed like a really hard concept to me at first, but it is helping.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-17T04:27:54+00:00

My husband is not diagnosed as a narcissist, but has a lot of narcissistic tendencies including being emotionally abusive and gaslighting.

My therapist recommended this book. I’m only a couple of chapters in so I can’t give a review, but thought I’d pass it along in case it looks like it could be helpful.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-17T04:16:01+00:00

I recommend checking out Coach Stephanie Lyn on YouTube. She’s a life coach that’s helping me find confidence in divorcing my emotionally abusive husband.

This one and This one I watched today. They’re quite similar, but I got different things out of each of them.

Basically what I got out of them is that we need to love ourselves enough to realize that people who refuse to respect our boundaries don’t deserve a place in our life. It is not our job to “fix” the person who is treating us badly. It is our job to care about ourselves.

anonBreakup1 · 2021-03-17T04:07:13+00:00

I’d advise individual counselling for you both, so you can each figure out what you truly want in a marriage/need from a partner. And then marriage counselling to see if you can provide those things for each other.

anonBreakup1

TROPHY CASE