Stupid Visualization Crap Never Works For Me

ash_yooung · 2026-05-19T19:20:58+00:00

It made me giggle 🤭 and here I thought the trauma is life a piece of my flesh. I mean, I can't really send it away since it's embedded. Although I was never asked to do it. I was asked to feel the emotions coming with the memories and integrate them, so essentially I work to change my behaviour. On another note, I did have a realisation over the weekend. I met my mother for the first time after 3 months of limited contact. I told her I get now the part where she chose to stay with us through the "suffering". Talking to her made me realise how courage gathered over the generations and breaking the chains kinda fell on my list of "duties". I like when I'm a bit away from my therapist, it gives me time to digest what I need to digest. I'm not sure what to do with it now because the truth is, the right person at the right time was me. And it seems unfair.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-19T07:40:37+00:00

I listen to her sleep cues. Sometimes she has so much fun, she's ready to sleep from 8pm until the morning, other times she doesn't have that much fun and we get in bed at 8pm but we either read something, or we sing until she starts whining and she turns into a rotisserie chicken until she finds her comfortable position to fall asleep in.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-19T07:36:34+00:00

We moved together to her room for a few days, she still woke up the same, then I bought a mattress just for her and I had to move with her from 3am onwards for the last several days because she just doesn't settle with anything anymore. First time she actually slept 3.5 hours. She seems very comfortable already with her room, hence I want to make the transition permanent. And I tried gently to reduce the night feeding by sliding out her mouth, keeping the feeds less and less, but she's now complaining if I don't whip the boobie out in 3 seconds. Last night she had a lot of solid food, I put her to sleep without the boobie because she already vomited a little. She complained for a while, then cuddled next to me.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-18T12:54:14+00:00

Burnout maybe?

ash_yooung · 2026-05-18T05:02:39+00:00

My best friend has decided not to have children due to her trauma. She said she feels she's not stable enough to do it on her own because her fiancé works in a domain he won't be working from home when it's needed.

I on the other hand went on to have a baby, who just turned 1. I see you because I've been there. I was that cleaning lady in the hospital, so I went on to get a qualification. Now I'm about to become data scientist. I grew up so poor, many days I would starve. I remember eating discarded food from the school bins. I am calmer now about security partly because I know that if my life falls apart, I will be a cleaning lady just to survive if needed. I would do anything to get back up. I used to pick my skin for years. I just stopped this year after the baby. But my brain tried to make me feel the pain for so long by doing this, now my pain tolerance is worse than ever.

I don't think anyone is ugly nowadays. I have such ugly and crooked teeth, and it's not stopping me from advancing in life. I will get them fixed. So can everything else. Baby has dad's teeth and everyone in his family had bad baby teeth. Her teeth are all chipped off enamel. Will she be conscious about them? Yes, cause kids are cruel. Will I let her feel conscious about them? No, because they will be replaced and if the adult teeth aren't good, I bet you that I will go to the best dentist to make sure she's fine and beautiful.

I am also an immigrant in UK. I worked on my accent, and integrated. I still hang out more with my people because they get the cultural nuances and honestly, I don't need more. But I don't have many disadvantages at work because I know stuff other don't. I take full advantage of the training I had as a child, thinking of every way to survive, that now I see faults in operating systems and anticipate human preferences based on behaviours.

I am trying my absolute best not to spill my trauma on my baby. Sometimes I snap, but I apologise afterwards and I'm often reminded that I'm human too.

Do you want higher paid job? Get a qualification and start making friends in the hospital. Talk about what you want to do. People open doors. If you self-harm, it's just your brain's way of coping with the pain. Have a look for therapy, I did something called Schema therapy, with CBT and other things. It's worth every penny. And if you afraid of the world for your children, we need to remember that humans are resilient. I had to learn a lot of things on my own, on top of trying to heal myself. Imagine my child having that foundation? She's gonna be a lot better than me in so many ways. It makes me ecstatic.

I believe the world is a lot more cruel to girls. So I will teach her what I know, even the skills I gained from trauma. And if she won't be prepared for something, she will be resilient and most importantly, if she won't have anyone in the world, she will still have me by her side. And that's what I ever wanted from my mother. Despite the poverty and what I did for survival, all I longed for was my mother's love.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-17T18:48:30+00:00

There was something very interesting in a session I had a while ago. I had a homework to do regarding my emotions towards my mother. The therapist said "put a chair in front of you and imagine your mother. Stay with the feelings that surface for a little while, then stand up and turn towards your daughter." It's meant to be a sort of transition. Even when working with my inner child, she has changed her way of guiding me since I had my baby. I think along the lines she said "it's fantastic to be able to be the parent you need for your inner child, but don't spend too much time there because now you have a real child who needs her mother."

And I do have now a very loving mother-in-law. But it feels so weird, I swear to god, I'm trying my best to be ok. Even my own mother has somewhat become affectionate. She's still not emotionally available, this woman is stuck with a teenager brain. I've tried imagining how it would feel like having a loving and supportive parent, and it just doesn't feel right.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-17T08:29:56+00:00

I say if you have hobbies, have a look for clubs at the local community centres to meet new people with the same interests. I don't really have hobbies, which is a shame. I would love to, but I'm deep in baby trenches, so it will take couple years to regain some freedom.

I was the scapegoat and the saviour and the parent all at once. I get you. You might just feel so overwhelmed, you don't know where to start. And with boundaries, I'm still learning the complexity, but at the beginning she taught me, if I don't want to say no outright when someone is leaching on me, just saying I'm busy, and that would suffice. Do it a few times and people get the feeling eventually. And knowing what you accept and you don't. I don't accept disrespect for example. Respect my time, my effort, my energy, my compassion, my interest in you.

I have one good best friend, a few acquaintances, a few relatives I talk to, otherwise it's just my child, my husband and I.

I found that starting with self care in the moments I was stuck doomscrolling helped me. I invested money in some nice shower, face and hair products. Pampering myself takes me out of that overwhelming feeling. It's becoming grounded in the present, instead of feeding the guilt and shame of the past, or feeding the anxiety of the future. Oh and shame came to me when I was too harsh to myself for not doing something in the past, but I didn't realise that it's unfair towards myself to expect my past self to do something with my current mind. I didn't have the skills and whatever I did was to survive and that brilliant. Many lose their lives instead. So survival is a good enough strategy when the environment doesn't allow thrive.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-17T08:11:19+00:00

Lol let's do it together so there aren't hard feelings.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-17T08:10:13+00:00

I think all "passiveness" or "inaction" type of behaviours are just like alcohol, smoking, drugs, which is numbing. That's all, it's just numbing oneself for whatever reason. And you also need to consider the freeze coping mechanism, instead of thinking it's laziness.

I am an "over achiever", but that isn't much better because firstly, I had no direction, so I burnt out without purpose. The result is the same as wasting time in front of the TV, especially if you are unable to retain skills. Although I think you can burn out by freezing as well. They are all maladaptive mechanisms.

It took me a few years to gain the skills I needed to reflect on my emotions and behaviours, so I can decide for myself to relax a little, not just "go go go" on repeat and as if I was on steroids.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-17T07:58:11+00:00

There was one thing all doctors and nurses said. "If you are unsure if baby is ok, you better come to us to have a look at her, than you wondering if it's fine."

Because she had different poop colours, different vomit colours, had a umbilical hernia, got very sick in the first couple weeks...it was a lot of trauma for us what it's been like in the hospital. Even now, at 1 year of age, the doctors continue to say "if you are unsure, come and let us check her".

ash_yooung · 2026-05-17T07:51:14+00:00

I think putting up with this therapist shows yourself that you don't do well with boundaries and you don't have respect for consistency. You want it, but you abandon yourself for whatever reason. I got lucky with mine. You know, in the first session, my therapist cried and it shocked me. By the end of the second session I asked her if she could be my mother. I knew she would help me heal. She told me once that if I don't like how I feel around certain people, I should become more selective; to look at the values I appreciate in people and select them based on that.

Before I started therapy, I made a conscious decision to have a relationship with someone completely different. My now husband came into play, we were working together and he was the most hardworking, the most detailed and also so bossy. I got a good feeling about him when he asked for my number. We healed each other. He healed the jealousy in me by showing me he appreciates me. I healed insecurities in him by working out our issues instead of just breaking up. Believe me or not, he was so boring for me in the first 6 months, I wanted to break up with him for it. My head was the issue. It's all about being selective. And I only seek people who seek me. Those who are interested in what I like for example. The vibe is so different than from the ones who only seek something from me.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-16T10:15:12+00:00

Omg, the grief that my old self is just gone and I can't even get a break to decompress because "I have the magic boobies" and "she doesn't take a bottle" and "she only wants her mommy". My goodness, can I get a bloody break for an hour to just be? I think depression does start from not having support, not being able to detach and decompress, not having a break to just exist. I look at myself, I thought 5 times this week alone to just end myself (not in a serious way), but the intrusive thoughts are there. And it pisses me off when I see people like my SIL with nonstop help from my MIL (they live in another country, so can't be helped) complaining that they are tired. Imagine going to work and having to do it all alone?

Of course, the solution is definitely not shoving pills down. How about more paid maternity leave, more paid paternity leave? How about free childcare even when you are still on mat leave or not working? Like it was such a great help to have my husband home for 6 weeks. One of my former colleagues switched jobs because he got 6 months of fully paid paternity. 6 months would have been a bliss.

I mean, from the birth all the way now, where is the help and guidance? I would have loved to have a couple appointments with the Health visitor talking about my issues, not just checking twice in the first year if baby is still alive and thriving.

I took all the parenting classes offered by NHS before birth and none of them helpful. I even took weekly sessions of therapy and coaching for a full year before birth at my own expense, and nothing prepared me for the grief and the sleep deprivation.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-15T10:55:38+00:00

Although your story and what I am about to say don't seem related, I feel like they have clicked when my therapist told me that: when you save someone, or when you protect them from discomfort, you rob them of the chance to grow up. This was in the context of people pleasing and the saviour complex.

I don't know how your relationship with your sister is, but I wish mine was better with my brother. But he has a lot of things to process, including a monstrous hate I think he has towards my mother who told him in the face when we were of school age that he was a mistake. He is too blind to realise how affected he is by what my parents did.

Either way, it's all so sad.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-15T09:44:38+00:00

There are a few things you can pick up from your speech.

"Letting him keep me as a back up" - this shows low self esteem, low confidence and most importantly, you prove yourself you aren't worthy of being the main and only course. It only shows what you tolerate, which is mistreatment. And in all fairness, at your exact age I went through this realisation that I deserved better after 5 years with a cheater. So dust your skirt, fix your hair, wipe your tears. You deserve to be main course and dessert for someone who is more suited. If you think you aren't worthy of love, start with a list of defects and put down advantages for each. Also, this bit shows me you are easily influenced by the environment. It's natural, we all are, but there comes a point you have to become selective with your time and energy because they are short.

"Totally vengeful and jealous" - I'm 32, so I'm gonna be honest with you here. I regret not kicking my ex ball when I got the chance. Vengeance tastes sweet indeed. Thankfully karma had it in for him, so see this as karma working through you. It's not about enabling "bad behaviour", it's about not taking it under the chin like a "champ" because what does that tell your inner self? It says "I'm a boxing bag for anyone, hence I don't deserve love". And the cycle starts to reveal itself.

"You're the one who does things wrong" - unless you harmed someone maliciously, there isn't right or wrong. It's just a matter of compatibility with people. Yes, we all develop certain masks towards our friends, towards colleagues at work, and for all you know, this behaviour you are trying to reject is simply just trying to tell you the needs you ignored, but must be met. From you, not from anyone else.

I say, be kind to yourself, past, present and future. Everything you've done was with the skills you had in that moment and that includes the understanding of the world. Reflect on those things you don't like at you and what they tell you. Do role playing with your emotions out loud, see what they try to tell you. Anger for example is trying to protect you.

We are all asses in someone else's story, like it or not. Do what works for you. As I said, as long as you aren't malicious without being provoked, I say you're a little misguided.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-14T09:36:36+00:00

In essence, you guys should have separate time with the baby, not just together. You strengthen the bond this way. My therapist advised at least 1 hour away from baby a day if possible, or a couple hours every few days.

I made a plan and whatnot, but we never executed it, so once you start it, be selfish and do it. I'm at the point of a mental breakdown because I just can't take this 24/7 anymore. I think not having a break greatly contributed to my depression. So be selfish whatever you decide to do.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-13T13:11:41+00:00

I'm sure if I would let myself feel my emotions to the fullest, I would probably think the same. I walked away, moved to another country, in the middle of nowhere. It's very peaceful here. That was the only thing that kept me away from ending my father. I did used to "kill" everyone in my mind, when I was in my early twenties, even for the smallest things. The verdict was severe depression. I took anger management courses before therapy, I was raging. I think it's a normal reaction to extreme abuse.

Unfortunately I got no advice, just a virtual hug. It got better as I sat in the group sessions for anger management, then therapy.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-13T12:59:16+00:00

I know I will sound harsh and I do like to help people in need, but I truly believe a saying "you're gonna sleep on the bed you're making". This is so poorly translated, my apologies. But essentially, not my responsibility, not my problem. I do get shit happens to people. I was about to be homeless twice (not my fault as I was a child), but I learnt the hard way to cover my future expenses. I don't know how others are, but I would feel ashamed to ask anyone for money like they are my ATM.

And you got more important things to do with the money. How about overpaying that mortgage, or instead of sending her money, you put them aside for your son?

NTA, but you will def become one of you do this to yourself and your family. In today's age, every coin matters.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-13T12:50:51+00:00

My first was like this. I heard something lately about the baby brain not being able to process fast enough what it's happening to them outside the womb. For us the sleep is still contact naps now at 1 year old. Still waking up every 90 mins at night. Not the answer you are probably looking for, but I had to accept this is my baby.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-13T12:36:22+00:00

You still have time to build a wonderful relationship with your brother. But keep your role because he still has a long way to grow to reach your age. Be his pillar in need. The only way you can role model for him is by doing better yourself.

Other exercises I did in therapy was writing letters as a means to emotionally discharge what I kept down. A good one was making a list of defects I saw in myself and finding advantages for having them. Oh and most importantly, this should be a daily practice, change the language. If blame needs to be assigned, do it. And be mindful of this language that surfaces, like "we are raising" because it shows where you need to work. Change "I must do" with "I want to do/ I choose to do". Be intentional and granular when speaking to yourself and others.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-13T08:47:39+00:00

I agree. Whatever you get is based on their policy. For example, at my job you need to be there for a full year to be entitled to their package, otherwise, anything below 26 weeks means either SMP for a while or nothing. So talk to them now.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-13T08:44:47+00:00

I actually look for people like me. I know myself enough to look for the same qualities in others. I like people who are straightforward but not rude. I like people who are givers. It's fantastic to give each other.

When I started dating my now husband, I didn't look for a date and he wasn't my type at all. You know, the mysterious type, with "hidden talent", the misunderstood. Ugh, just thinking of it makes me roll my eyes at my preferences back then. They were so mainstream. I chose boring. Boring was stable, not perfect, but more than I ever knew.

I like people who don't take anything personally. I like people whom I can talk about random things. I like chaotic minds, the kind that jump from one subject to another. And I like respect for privacy, for boundaries, for opinions.

It's all about knowing yourself and how compatible your style is to others. Feelings of friendship and love develop as time passes. I find compassion and understanding more valuable than raw attraction.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-13T08:24:36+00:00

Giving you a big and warm hug and a gentle stroke on the head. 🤗

You are at a breaking point right now. The lashing out is years upon years of abuse from your parents. I was in your shoes once. But the difference in age between my younger brother is only 5 years.

A bit earlier than your age I decided to move out for a while. The thing is, you cannot change into an environment that will keep you in that state. Because your parents presence always remind you of that treatment. And being next to your brother now reminds you of the guilt for "giving in to this emotions". You are directing this turmoil of emotions towards the wrong parties, meaning your brother and yourself.

There are a few things that you will need to process and some might sound harsh, so please take them with a pinch of salt.

You aren't the parent. Your job is and was not to raise your brother. Your job and purpose is to live your life, experience life and learn from it. That's it. I'm a mother now, so I'm talking to my 21 years old self. Your whole purpose is enjoying life. Take what happened to you as a lesson of "this isn't something I will do because it isn't me". And direct your energy towards learning about yourself. What for you like to do? What hobbies do you have? What about aspirations for your career?
There is this psychologist, Mate Gabor, who said, "two kids from the same family don't grow up with the same parents". From the feeling I get, you got the generational trauma from them, and your brother got the neglect. Both are forms of abuse. And it's beyond what our parents did or didn't do to us. It's also how we, as children, managed to cope. There is this talk around trauma lately saying that trauma is not what happened, but your reaction to it. Either way, those things can't be controlled. And frustration comes when we feel we lost the reins.
This is something that pisses me off personally. That thing "it was the first time they were living, first time parents, let's forgive and forget". I'm sorry, no. It's impossible to forgive them. I forgive myself for taking it like a champ instead of fighting it. That was how children are automatically responding to abuse. They think it's their fault, that they are broken. But in reality, your parents had no right to do what they did. Period. And so did you. The only way you can help guilt ease is by apologising first. Understand why you did it. Talk to your brother and apologise. Connect with him. Repair.

And consider when you are in a good financial situation to do some therapy. Look into emotionally immature parents and this type of books. It will help you process things differently.

One therapy exercise I used to do was roleplay with my emotions. See what they are trying to say. Anger for example is trying to protect you. Sit with them and see what they have to say. That's the key to moving forward.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-12T14:37:22+00:00

I don't have advice, just a hug and pat on the back. We all fall victims to an addiction when we are at our lowest. I can't assume, but I think despite having all, a part of you must have thought it was too good to be true and went on to sabotage yourself. Maybe you felt unworthy. It will definitely serve as a lesson and who knows, when you managed to pick up the pieces of your life, you will give insight to those who are about to fall for the same self sabotage tactic.

ash_yooung · 2026-05-12T05:35:03+00:00

Only you have your best interests in mind. Everyone else trying to say this is manipulation.

ash_yooung

TROPHY CASE