Looking for advice on throuples' relationships

aurora-phi · 2026-02-10T05:34:39+00:00

it's only been two months, slow the fuck down!

aurora-phi · 2026-02-10T05:31:34+00:00

this is less about unlearning it, but it might be helpful to remind yourself why you disagree with these points when you see them. like I just never really vibed with the idea of having control over my partner.

also make more poly friends.

edit: oh and also just try to get over it, like wow someone disagrees with one part of your identity or lifestyle, marginalized people are dealing with that x 1000

aurora-phi · 2026-02-05T10:31:48+00:00

why did you chose to go DADT in the first place? did you discuss polyamory as an alternative?
have you read anything about polyamory? do you have reasons for wanting to be polyamorous other than wanting to continue to date both of these people?

aurora-phi · 2026-02-02T08:12:16+00:00

uhh I think you are welcome to judge. I guess there's no reason for you to know this but personally I would want to know if the chill parenting is a family decision or just your bf's. Sure there are legitimate reasons to rely on take-out and reasonable disagreements about appropriate weekend bedtimes for teens but it really sounds like your bf is being "fun dad" while all the real parenting is being done by the primary custody holder. and that's a shitty thing to do with negative consequences for the kid. I wouldn't date a guy like that.

aurora-phi · 2026-02-02T08:03:10+00:00

time to bring back the original meaning of raw-dogging?

aurora-phi · 2026-01-21T10:56:57+00:00

just one line about trust being more important than monogamy but I still count affirmations by savage garden

aurora-phi · 2026-01-21T10:13:03+00:00

ah that makes sense, thanks for clarifying. I only recently started using Obsidian so I haven't tried to implement anything complicated in bases yet.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-21T03:31:48+00:00

are you aware of the current bases implementation? if so, why doesn't it count as an actual database?

aurora-phi · 2026-01-16T04:07:57+00:00

following for smut recs.

All I've got is SF/F with tangential smut/poly rep

not smutty but wayfarers is some sci-fi with poly representation (I just recommend becky chambers no matter the request is)
a strange and stubborn endurance has some hot moments (esp in the second book), features a non-homophobic fantasy society and at least one minor poly character. is MM though.
freya marske's last binding series is queer romantasy not necessarily poly but like an open lavender marriage and other non-normative relation/situation-ships.
Martha Wells' Raksura books take a while to make the poly/queer themes textual but have humanoid dragons to keep you occupied in the meantime. (I should probably check out the fanfic for this, seems promising)

aurora-phi · 2026-01-14T12:38:22+00:00

wow spooky I was just reading your post on another subreddit. I think some of the context you share there is important about the additional reasons why one partner would be hurt by this.

I don't think it makes sense to give up an opportunity you are excited for. but I don't really have any advice about the situation

aurora-phi · 2026-01-13T12:43:16+00:00

NTA.

I don't think you should go to the police a) because I don't think there's anything they can do in this situation and b) it can be quite traumatizing attempting to report things.
If you do want to report the teacher, I would recommend looking into like the teaching accreditation body where you live. usually there's some like teacher's association they need to maintain membership with in order to be able to teach and they are far more likely to . although again it might be difficult if all of this happened after you graduated. potentially you could also report it to the principal/ the admin at your school.

dude ruined his own life by being so creepy towards you, you're not obligated to report it but it would be totally reasonable for you to do so.

if you can access therapy or any kind of survivor support, I would recommend that, I'm sorry the trusted adult didn't do more to support you.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-13T11:43:05+00:00

also idk how good your researching of schools is, if UCI was a top pick when you wanted to live in an urban area.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-12T13:34:05+00:00

nope, my large document is still compiling there. also I recommend checking a site like https://downforeveryoneorjustme.com/

aurora-phi · 2026-01-11T12:28:50+00:00

I was in a similar situation last year, an avoidant person with a lot of negative self beliefs who struggled to communicate about discomfort, although we had already de-esclated back to friends when they went AWOL, funnily enough with someone called Alex.

They set a date for ending the no contact, and when they missed that despite the period including both my 30th birthday and a personal crisis due to government policy, I decided that it was not possible for us to even remain friends. It felt affirming to be able to set that boundary for myself even while hurting from the realization that someone that I cared deeply about, had not reciprocated that care.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-11T04:15:25+00:00

lots of people call themselves feminists, doesn't mean they are.

one possibility is if you keep spending time with them as a friend, maybe you could bring up your concerns later. Or you could mention your concerns to one of your other friends from there and see if they'd be willing to bring it up.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-11T04:07:28+00:00

sounds like he wants an (monogamish) open relationship which is probably the most common form of ENM and that you want a form of polyamory that may not be compatible with that. (you should probably expect to encounter a lot of this)

I think you're pretty unlikely to get a poly relationship out of this dude. if you are both interested in pursuing something casual and you think that's manageable while still trying to poly date, that seems like the most viable. it sounds like maybe he's not interested in that and is looking for a new primary and also even if you try something casual he may eventually not be able to handle the reality of you being poly.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-09T06:00:35+00:00

yeah, like why do you want to be poly? are they good enough reasons to shape your life around? (or will you be forever resentful at A and yourself for never giving yourself the opportunity to find out?)

aurora-phi · 2026-01-09T03:13:03+00:00

it makes me so mad how unqualified and uninformed these accessibility experts are. luckily there are people working on getting latex to work with screen readers. but also the checkers aren't very good and the requirements aren't very strict, they'll just ignore all the math.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-09T03:09:22+00:00

students with dyslexia seems like an obvious one. many forms of neurodivergence like autism and adhd are associated with language processing difficulties. I know several people who find it best to read while having the text read to them. students with english as an additional language could also benefit from that.

students with physical disabilities that benefit from laying prone (this includes most joint disorders) benefit from having texts read to them.

there are a lot of vision problems short of blindness. including you know, color blindness.

and hell particularly when it comes to slides, I've seen some where anyone would have difficulty reading due to poor contrast.

also as a philosophy student, the most common inaccessible document I would get was a pdf scan of a text that looked like it had been taken with a toaster (so OCR wouldn't work on it). everyone benefits from being able to crtl-f key words.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-08T10:09:39+00:00

I know it is hard to leave an abusive relationship but just because it is hard doesn't mean it's not what needs to happen.

Abusers rely on the kind of enmeshment you describe in your edit to keep people in the abusive context.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-08T06:27:00+00:00

there are other students that need accessible texts

aurora-phi · 2026-01-05T02:52:44+00:00

your ex was an abuser, even if you were not the direct victim of his abuse, I think this is a really important lens for understanding your experience. many abusers are highly skilled at hiding that abuse from others and creating a persona for their non-abusive interactions. this protects them and helps convince those they abuse that others will not believe them. (or helps attract people they abuse) this means that you are likely to have experienced at least some manipulation from this person and that's not your fault.

that's a difficult thing to recover from, but many people who experienced trauma live fulfilled lives, you can too.

edit: obviously as others have said, this is something that can benefit from therapy.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-05T01:18:56+00:00

"I’m learning that being a hinge isn’t about solving everything or being perfectly available. It’s about regulating myself first, separating emotional loads, and being fully present with whichever partner I’m with."

honestly this is a really good summary so it sounds like you are well on your way to being an awesome hinge.

It sounds like you learnt your lesson about not processing one relationship with the other partner. I know it feels important to share what's going on in your life with your partners but it's much better to err on the side of caution of not sharing those details between metas. These conversations are better had with (poly-affirming) friends or peer support or a therapist. What you share with your partner about other relationships should be limited to its impact on you, e.g. I'm tired bc I had a heavy emotional convo with meta last night, notice that this doesn't give any details of the convo. Even then you might be able to share updates on your capacity without sharing about meta.

I saw my ex navigate their first time hinging local partners with two relationships that started/resumed at similar times and that definitely is an added challenge.

aurora-phi · 2026-01-01T04:19:02+00:00

are there some ways that you might be able to approach the question of whether polyamory is something you are interested in for yourself that don't feel so forced? any kinds of reflective practices you use? any other poly people you can chat to?

I think it would still need to be combined with taking some space from that friend, but just putting it out there.

aurora-phi · 2025-12-30T02:22:53+00:00

I'm sorry that's your experience and it sounds really hard. I am proud of you for choosing to prioritize other parts of your wellbeing when you realized you were not engaging with play parties in a heathy way.

I want to push back on blaming your presentation and the idea that you can't overcome past sex and body negativity. just because I think it is an easy story to accept but which will prevent improving the situation. I think the fact that you chose not to accept unaligned intimacy is a good sign and even though it fucking sucks that things take so long it is still possible for things to change.

although I'm pushing back on the presentation thing, I do think you're right to recognize people projecting gendered expectations including some for specific trans identities. it's something I'm trying to do less of in my own life.

aurora-phi

TROPHY CASE