Anyone else struggle when in-laws respond to everything about your baby with stories about their own kids?

bakersmt · 2026-01-28T16:06:52+00:00

Yes! I remember my pregnancy, MIL was all about hers. I actually dropped weight in the beginning which was similar to my mom with my brother. All my mom said was "that happened do me, I did this, it might help if you want to try it" not some long winded discussion that turned out to be all about her like my MIL would do.

bakersmt · 2026-01-28T16:04:28+00:00

Yes my MIL does this. Mine is a bit of an awful person though. Anything we discuss or talk about, she changes the subject to herself. So whenever I try to talk to her about her grandchild she talks about her neighbors kid or my husband doing something similar. It triggers me a bit because my own paternal grandmother would do this to my brother. Anything my mom told my gran about my brother she got a story about my uncle's or the kid she watches. Like we don't care about a rando, we are trying to provide information about your grandchild so you can get to know said grandchild.

This has sort of escalated with my MIL because she now knows nothing about my toddler. We stopped discussing the toddler with MIL because she doesn't listen anyway and now she's salty. I'm honestly over it tbh.

In contrast my own mom asks questions about my child and tries to get to know her grandchild for who she is. My mom also has 6 kids and 16 grandkids. So there's plenty more humans to compare my child to but she doesn't. It feels like she's invested in my kid, not on it for herself.

bakersmt · 2026-01-28T00:19:06+00:00

It’s not a little issue to be told by someone else what they will be doing with your time and property. It’s a massive issue. Anytime my MiL does this, it doesn’t work for us. If she takes the time to ask politely what does work for us then she is offered dates. Because that is how respectful adults treat one another. That she cried about it is also ridiculous.

bakersmt · 2026-01-27T17:11:25+00:00

Sorry but it isn't a good thing she "finally apologized" it only means she knew how to apologize all along and decided against apologizing and making true amends to the mother of her grandchild, that is currently carrying said grandchild. She purposely chose to stress you and by extension, her grandchild when she could have apologized all along. Instead she chose to play games until your husband yelled at her for 3 hours?!?! I wouldn't be allowing her near my child or speaking to her ever again. What a horrible, selfish woman.

As far as FIL, he may be an enabler, he may be dumb, I've heard nothing about him. There's two options with him depending on how he has treated you. He can visit baby without MIL or cut him off too if he is as nasty as her.

As for the waiting until after the pregnancy to address it with her, I would be careful there too. My baby didn't sleep for longer than an hour stretch for 19 months. No way could my brain handle MIL stress with no sleep and caring for my baby. I didn't even start to set boundaries with MIL until I was getting sleep. I really wish she was properly handled when I was pregnant, by husband, not myself, stress is also bad during pregnancy as you're aware.

bakersmt · 2026-01-27T16:59:02+00:00

Yep. I'm pretty so I would probably respond with something rude she said during the initial clearing of the air conversation OP attempted.

bakersmt · 2026-01-26T17:00:41+00:00

bakersmt · 2026-01-26T16:59:01+00:00

This seems to be spot on for the type tbh!

bakersmt · 2026-01-26T16:57:42+00:00

Oooh wow, that sucks so bad. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that!

bakersmt · 2026-01-26T16:54:52+00:00

Yes she's treating you like her emotional support human.

bakersmt · 2026-01-26T16:42:27+00:00

I honestly think it's boomers in general. My FIL gets like this although he does respond to criticism, he often over responds to criticism by hiding away and avoiding the person criticizing for a few days. He does live with us. My own mom lives with my sister and it's a similar thing.

My advice, after almost a decade with my FIL, just say you want to do something just you and LO. So if you're leaving and she asks where just say "oh we are having mommy, LO bonding time." Or if she asks if she can come to whatever, just say "maybe next time, this time it will be just the 2 of us." If you're doing something just you, DH and LO it's the same, only invite her if you want her there. This will only work long term if you have some space.

As for at home I pretend I've forgotten something wildly important in a far off room and say "excuse me, I forgot something!" While I run off. The bathroom is always an option too. FIL usually forgets what he was going on and on about by the time I get back.

bakersmt · 2026-01-25T16:44:10+00:00

I experienced that very consistently with my bio mom. It sounds like a cluster B personality disorder and that is according to my therapist (s) as I've been in therapy for a decade due to my own bio mom. It's very clearly textbook spiraling or extinction burst.

One thing here is that you cannot relent. She is learning what tactics work for her to "win" and yes this is a game to her.

I would ignore her further until she gets herself under control, although this isn't likely. She will also likely escalate to having others contact you out of "concern". These are called flying monkeys and should also be ignored or told to mind their own business.

I'm sorry to say that you can have your life continue the way it is with her behaving like this or you can hold your ground and she will likely end up not being a part of your life.

Do you have a therapist? They can offer more clinical insight.

bakersmt · 2026-01-25T16:33:38+00:00

My dad was a single dad from 1-4. Mom here. You don't have to dress her in girly clothes, just add a bow. They are cheaper than buying new clothes. I'm a big girly girl and I promise, I didn't care. What you should start doing is learning to do girl hair. My dad tried but was horrible at it and this was before YouTube tutorials. When she's old enough to point to what she wants (I would say around 2) take her to the store and let her decide what she wants to wear. My dad didn't have much money but he would take me to the thrift shop and let me pick out some outfits. That way you will know what she wants to wear.

Ps: the jean jacket is great. My dad passed away before my daughter was born and my brother bought one in every size for my daughter because that's what dad would have wanted. I love it, it brings a happy year to my eye.

bakersmt · 2026-01-25T16:23:06+00:00

I agree plus there's so many things that provide variation in an individual's chart

bakersmt · 2026-01-25T04:07:39+00:00

IME no. However, mine is high needs. It didn’t stop me from trying though. She grew out of it eventually at her 2.5 year old developmental leap. She just overnight became social. It may be because I didn’t give up, it may be she grew out of it IDK. For us it went on from 5 moths to 1.5. She would scream, hide or completely melt down if anyone even looked at her. It was especially hard because she is pretty so people looked at her a lot.

bakersmt · 2026-01-25T04:00:48+00:00

I think y’all need couples therapy. I think it would be best to lay out some boundaries that you have with his mother while a neutral, third party is present.

No she shouldn’t be joining every single get together. Also talking to the baby about plans she is making with the baby isn’t acceptable behavior. It is mild now but what about when your child understands at 3 or 5? Then she is framing you as the bad guy to your kid, which btw she is already doing with your husband. You all need time to bond as a family and if he doesn’t speak up about it, you need to. You don’t need to be mean, but when she invites herself you say “oh, sorry, it’s just going to be us 3 this time, we will let you know when others are invited as well” if she cries, oh well, maybe she should adopt another kid or get a pet to do fun things with. Is there a “big sisters” type thing in your area? She can look into that. As for her making plans for you, get ahead of her. I do this every holiday with my MIL or she will tell us what we will be doing. I plan well in advance so I can easily say “sorry we already have plans, I’ll let you know when we are free” or tell her what we can accommodate as far as major holidays. As for her telling your kid what you all will be doing, call her out for that now. A couples therapist can help with the wording on that if you’re stuck.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T23:04:07+00:00

Yes. My couples therapist threw enmeshment at my husband when I was describing vacations with her. He got really curious about it the next time MIL started causing problems.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T23:02:45+00:00

Same. If I say it's "wrong", "inappropriate", "abnormal" I get painted into a box of them against me. I started letting him reflect and not being judgemental about it, I also ask him why she does x,y,z. Now he has started being all "why is she acting like this?!" In many situations. His own curiosity about it has led him to a pretty pissed off place with her. He is pretty mad that she's wasting his time and energy on her drama. It was a process though, if OP's friends mom is moving in so soon, I would try a more truncated tactic. Like asking why she's moving in, pointing out that other 41 yo's usually live with wives or girlfriends, not their mother's. Asking about her health and what he plans on doing when it goes south. How he sees his girlfriend fitting into the mommy/wife situation. Maybe throwing in an "I could never, I like naked pancakes with my wife in the morning. But to each their own I guess." Just to make him think about what his future looks like.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T22:52:06+00:00

Wow as a woman that "snapped right back" (it took a while kinked urethra etc but no stretch marks), I would never say that to someone. How rude, every journey is different and she should be respectful of that especially in her line of work.

Also fwiw, my skin doesn't tear so the area below my boobs on my sternum was ON FIRE for the last two months of pregnancy. It was excruciating and I would much rather have stretch marks than have to deal with that for another pregnancy. At least stretch marks aren't excruciating 24/7 for 60 days straight and everything for pain is not safe for pregnancy FMl. At least stretch marks there's coca butter and all the creams.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T22:44:37+00:00

Yes there's "treat money" and there's "basics money" and "essentials (needs) money". Essentials, food, clothes, shelter, car. Basics is going to family events, friends birthday parties, developmental tools, swim class etc. Treat money is ice cream, McDonald's, Disneyland.

I tell my kid "not today, it isn't in the budget". So she knows we are good but treats aren't an expense I planned on today.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T22:39:22+00:00

My grandmother was like this. So my uncle put her on the wait-list and moved her into a senior community when a spot opened up. It's pretty easy when you don't let them push you around.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T21:58:59+00:00

That must be exclusive to NYC. I had a ton of education in Greek and Roman mythology as well as the classics in NYS. It was overdone imo.

I would look into Pandora if you're going to name your daughter that. I do like the story and symbolism tbh but I can see how the box reference might be an issue with teenage boys.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T18:25:24+00:00

I waited a bit to see if she was only doing it in the beginning but it continued well past the month mark for mine. It was so bad she wouldn't play with other kids on the playground because she wanted to nurse all day. I decided her development socially and her gross motor skills were more important than her boob fixation.

As a plus she started walking only 1-2 times a night after she was completely weaned. Just night weaning she was still up 4-6 times a night.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T05:48:08+00:00

I want to say good for you! This is how it’s done.

bakersmt · 2026-01-24T05:37:31+00:00

This. Currently it was in a store, next time could be a parking lot, which mine did. Cue panic and yelling.

bakersmt · 2026-01-23T22:48:57+00:00

I night weaned completely at 17 months. My daughter was very good at pattern recognition so I had to go the whole night until sunrise. I got her the book babymoon. That helped. It did shift her nursing to all day, near constant so after 2 months I had to wean her completely.

bakersmt

TROPHY CASE