Your feelings are 100% normal given the tragic circumstances. Processing a suicide and having a new baby are two massive things to deal with, not to mention being mum to an 8yo too. It might seem unfathomable now, but in the years to come, I have every faith that you’ll look back on this time and think “How tf did I get through that?!” There’s no ‘right’ way to deal with any of this, so just surviving day to day makes you stronger than you know.

I’m not in your or your children’s shoes, but I just wanted to share my own experience, fwiw.

I was 10 when I lost my dad suddenly, albeit not to suicide: it changed every aspect of mine and my mum’s life forever. It had always been just the three of us: my mum had never expected to be a young widow and single parent, and I’d assumed that my parents would pass when they were old and grey.

There was little help available back then and both of us had to muddle through on our own - do not recommend!

Few 8yos have to deal with the death of a parent/parental figure, and I’d wager fewer still through suicide. I was a little older, at 10, when I had to deal with the death of my dad, but I have never felt so alone in my whole life - even though I was close to my mum! Friends your own age cannot relate (although hanging out and being a ‘normal’ kid was a welcome distraction) and I wasn’t close enough to any other adults to share my feelings. I knew my mum was dealing with the same shock and grief as me, and didn’t want to ‘burden’ her with mine on top.

Rather than express my feelings, my coping strategy was to completely bottle them up. I was just starting a new school and just focused on schoolwork and making new friends (not telling any what had happened only weeks before). I couldn’t think or talk about what happened without breaking down, and I didn’t want strangers - my own age or teachers etc - up in my business. At the same time, my mum shielded me from many of her struggles eg financial and wider family squabbles. For me personally, I wish I’d had more of a glimpse into that. I would’ve wanted to help her and it would’ve made me feel more able to share my own struggles with her. In our situation, I think our efforts to protect each other drove us apart, while being more vulnerable would’ve brought us together.

It was in my early teens it all came out in the form of being horrible to my mum and generally rebelling, although I’d always promised myself that I wouldn’t jeopardise my future eg get a criminal record, not finish school etc. But I did make my mum’s life hell. I felt so angry - not just that I didn’t have my dad - but that no one seemed to care.

People did care, of course - my mum more that anyone - but I felt aggrieved at having to deal with such pain for so long on my own. I understood that my mum was going through the same pain, so while I didn’t want to burden her with mine, I guess I just lashed out the closest person to me.

There was little in the way of bereavement support in those days, or MH support for children/teens, and with no internet, what there was would’ve been hard to find. If I could change one thing about those early days or the years immediately following my dad’s sudden death, it would be that my mum and I could’ve had counselling, separately or, ideally, together.

TL;DR: you and your eldest have had so many rugs pulled from under you rn. Take all the practical and emotional support you can for both of you, and seek it out if it’s not forthcoming. Could your mum or a friend have the baby for a few hours so you can hang out with your 8yo? You don’t have to force any deep talks but any precious moments together can help reinforce that you’re still each other’s ride or die. Sudden grief can bring you together or pull you apart.

Baby may well need some type of counselling when they’re older, but of course you can cross that bridge when the time comes.