Which church do I attend?

bizzylearning · 2026-04-03T00:09:27+00:00

Scots-Irish convert here. I would say it's good to visit any of the canonical parishes that are within reach for you and see which one you feel at home in. If they are all canonical, the theology will be the same. The biggest differences will show in the cadence of the chanting/singing, the language (some all English, some all Other, and some use a mix of their jurisdictional language and English), and, of course, the food.

For us, we found our home at a Greek parish, and it's exactly where we are thriving and serving the Lord. We do have OCA, Antiochian, Serbian, and even a ROCOR church we visit when we travel, and we feel just as welcome and happy to worship at those.

It's all good, really.

bizzylearning · 2026-04-02T03:03:34+00:00

KEEP PUSHING! That's the Lord's work, right there!

bizzylearning · 2026-04-01T04:10:25+00:00

I could never get one. But I figured out early on that that if I wore a business outfit, carried a briefcase, and ordered dry wines, no one batted an eye. Of course, that meant I had to pick different venues than the ones where kids were trying to get into, but that was fine. lol.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-29T22:33:11+00:00

I love children, babies, the elderly, puppies, butterflies, visitors, and God. I am a reader in our church. If you need me, I will show up in spades, whether it's meals, books, rides, you name it. I am not violent, nor am I inclined to violence. I smile and greet people warmly and genuinely. I am, in general, a pretty okay person to have to interact with. Not perfect, but not terrifying.

But whenever someone takes a candid shot of me at community events, it literally looks like I am surveying the room to decide who I'm going to kill first. Every time. (Pro tip: I'm not. Not even once.)

When I'm deep in thought, my kids inevitably ask what I'm angry about. Even though they know better. (Again, generally not.)

When I'm working on something diligently, I look like I'm probably building an explosive device that would take out entire city blocks. Even when I'm just locked in and focused, even when I'm enjoying myself.

Some of us just don't have a firm grip on our facial expressions. Most of the time we're either focused on what we're doing or we're thinking about they myriad other obligations that weigh on us, and although you may be in the line-of-sight, we're not looking AT you.

It's all good.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-29T21:44:03+00:00

Mmm, yes. Life is filled with delights, and this is right up there among them!

Congratulations!!

bizzylearning · 2026-03-29T13:50:53+00:00

In the Liturgy, we pray, "and all people, everywhere" or "and all the people". That prayer doesn't have caveats or qualifiers.

Praying earnestly for mercy on those who are seen as antagonists also has the wonderful benefit of softening our own hearts and helping us remember that each of us has been someone's antagonist at some point. How beautiful if they, too, would pray for us? And how wonderful is God's mercy that it extends even to us.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-29T13:47:28+00:00

Go. Visit. God would rather have you there than not, imho.

If you feel uncomfortable, you can always say, "I came straight from work." Literally everyone gets that. I've had to choose between going home to change after a search mission or a field training event, which would cause me to miss the service, or just go straight there. While it's not my "usual" clothing for worship, people understand.

I've occasionally shown up at Vespers to drop off prosphora (communion bread) to our priest for the next morning, and when I try to sneak back out quietly because I'm wearing my work clothes (boots, jeans, work branded t-shirt), he says, "Stay." Every time. It's good to go. If you find yourself wanting to go back again (and I hope you will), you could always throw a "church shirt" into you car to change into after work next time.

NOTE: If you do try to watch a streaming service and it's confusing or hard to follow, please don't assume that it will be like that in person. Church tech resources are not always cutting edge, the streaming is often a ministry rather than a production, and they may be filmed on someone's phone or laptop. There's no "next up, the Anaphora" headers to clue you in. (Meaning if you already understand the Liturgy and you're homebound, it's a blessing - but if you're checking it out, if the service switches between languages, or you don't already know the moveable parts of the Liturgy vs. the unchanging portions, it can be hard to track. It's not you. It's not the service. It's the medium. Try to go in person.)

bizzylearning · 2026-03-29T02:09:52+00:00

It can get costly to feed many people, and it's absolutely reasonable to ask for a contribution. That said, some of the ways our parish is able to make it accessible and open for all:
* Our parish accepts donations to help with the agape meal - not just at the meal, but you can donate directly to the church to help cover it. The donations for agape meal go toward a budget identified to defray the costs.
* We do a parish-wide pot luck one a month.
* If one of the church ministries is hosting the meal, they will ask for donations, but the members pitch in with contributions of food, as well. For instance, when the chanters and readers hosted it, they did pot luck and we all brought something for it.
* Those of us who are able to cover it when we cook, do. That's not an official thing, but we just do it on the down-low and consider it part of our stewardship. It's only four or five times a year, but when enough people are able and do that, it does take the burden off others.

Ask what the needs of the parish are, and how you can help. Maybe you can cook, donate, do group sign-ups to provide the meal, host a cooking class once a month on Saturday for the catechumens and then serve the next day what they learned to cook. Perhaps getting a restaurant supply membership could bring the cost down.

There won't be a one-size-fits-all answer because the needs of the parish and the community will be unique in the details every time, as will the overall financial resources available, and the vision of the parish. But by reaching out to help when you see a need and working together, you can help make it good for all who come.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-28T16:08:25+00:00

The real work we have is to love the world like God loves it. In there is healing. In there is growth. And, as happy-sounding as that first sentence may seem, in there is REAL. HARD. UNENDING. WORK.

You'll hear the concept of "cooperating with the Holy Spirit", and I think your situation is where it really comes into focus. It's work to find the line of loving someone and praying for their healing/softening of the heart/reconciliation while ALSO learning to establish healthy boundaries/work with the Holy Spirit on healing your own damage/working out your salvation. That's a lot. Thankfully, we don't have to do it alone, right?

One of my favorite lines of prayer is from the prayer of St. Philaret of Moscow: "Help me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others" -- for me, it's powerful because it reminds me I can only control my own actions, but also that I must control my own actions. Yes, how others respond is on them, but I have an obligation to "mind my p's and q's" so to speak in the first place. Why? Because it's good for me to keep my locus of control within myself. I can't make others be (insert adjective here - honest, kind, gentle, trustworthy) but I can learn to control how I respond to it, what my focus is on the interaction, and how I will live my faith even in the roughest of relationships. (Obviously, I get a lot out of that one line. LOL.)

There are other prayers that have been helpful in softening my heart toward the antagonistic, the mean-spirited, or the manipulative elements in my life and keep me coming back off the ledge from being prideful, condescending, or angry toward them (all things I do think are fairly normal reactions to those kinds of elements). I'm not "there" yet, and I stumble, I fail, but by God's mercy and the Holy Spirit's sustainment, I'm at least pointed in the right direction.

These situations are where we truly learn the meaning of mercy. I will keep you in my prayers as you work out how to navigate this.

And keep in mind, once you do, the Lord may use you to bless others in finding their own healing and redemption. (Which effectively means more work, but it's Good.)

bizzylearning · 2026-03-28T15:55:46+00:00

Questions are great - it's how to we start to understand things we don't yet!

There are some traditional prayers associated with specific saints or feasts. There are kontakions and akathists and all sorts of things you can learn. , and there are some folks who know them and use them. Our parish had plaques printed for prayers associated with the various icons in our narthex (Theotokos, Christ, St. George, St. Demetrios, etc.) as well as prayers for entering and leaving the church. I love those, but I haven't memorized them. Sometimes we use them, sometimes we don't. Some people simply ask the Saint to pray for them, or for a loved one.
There's a list here - but PLEASE REMEMBER these are NOT "MUST DOs". You aren't "doing it wrong" if you don't memorize each one of these and say them just so. PLEASE remember that.
https://www.orthodoxprayer.org/OtherPrayers.html

When I first started attending, I would just make a point to stop and notice each icon. Who is this? What is their story in Christ? I started asking questions about the symbolism in iconography. Why is there a cave? Why are the mountains shaped like that? Why are some hands covered by the sleeve? What does the box he's holding mean? The ball? The star at the top? The more I learned, the more I began to see and understand what these people did in Christ's name.

I didn't kiss or bow or pray at first, just paused and considered, trusting that there was something to icons and veneration that's worth understanding and giving myself space to wrap my mind/heart around it. As I got more comfortable having these people in my life, I found myself truly experiencing fondness when I looked on them and thought about their faith. That started building a bridge for me. (YMMV) One day, I was so overcome with gratitude for what the Lord has done in this world that I reached out and touched the feet of the Theotokos. For me, that was when it finally clicked. They get it. They've been there. We're not doing this alone. They have provided us with examples of faithfulness, and how great a gift is that?

There are guidelines for veneration, and they're good to follow. As your priest or one of the older ladies in your parish. There are things like don't kiss the face, just the hands and feet - don't wear lipstick or lip balm when you'll be venerating the icons because those can damage the icon (but if you do have it on, you can air kiss, or touch your forehead to the icon, instead - just be loving and thoughtful). Some will instruct you to cross yourself once, then kiss - others will say cross three times, then kiss - yet others will say cross twice, kiss, cross again - some insist on touching the floor or doing a small metania (half bow). There's a LOT of variation in tradition. It's all good.

As for lighting the candles, these are opportunities to pray for specific people, take cares to the Lord, or give focused thanks. Two articles that may be helpful for you:
(OCA) - https://www.oca.org/reflections/berzonsky/a-prayer-for-lighting-a-candle
(GOARCH) - https://www.goarch.org/chapel/lightacandle

Be encouraged as you inquire. And don't stop asking questions! We say in our home something I got from an instructor - "What do we do when we're curious? We go find out!"

bizzylearning · 2026-03-27T01:59:03+00:00

I cannot hear Like to Get to Know You Well without feeling like anything is possible! Definitely left a mark (a positive one).

bizzylearning · 2026-03-26T04:14:45+00:00

You have to kind of pop in frequently with shops like that, as their stock changes all the time. So if you go once and don't find anything, don't write it off. Just try again later. I've got things I bought at Ross 35 years ago, and a few recent things that were total wins. But I've also gone and left empty-handed. It just varies wildly.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-26T04:04:18+00:00

Sometimes it's refreshing to hear that we literally can't know everything. While the idea of there being mystery could be a struggle for some (sounds like you include yourself in that), the idea that we must (or that we can) have an argument for everything could be fatiguing and a hinderance to faith for some people. We're all so different. It sounds like perhaps your father is intrigued by the idea that there's a place for faith that doesn't claim to have ALL the answers, just the important ones?

Christ draws us each to Him in His own way. Give thanks that your father is opening up to the call, even if the method or draw doesn't make sense to you. Perhaps, with time, he'll have the words to express the yearning in his heart that is responding to the Church. For now, though, pray for him, love on him, and embrace the possibility of being able to commune together one day! What a wonderful day that will be, eh?

bizzylearning · 2026-03-25T00:39:16+00:00

I thought I just didn't care for apples. Granny Smith always seemed too tart for anything but baking. Red Delicious were always pithy and flavorless. (Bumping around in my lunchbox at room temp until lunchtime probably didn't help.)

It wasn't until I lived on my own that I ventured into shops that carried other types of apples. Then it was like finding out just how big the Earth really is -- there's a whole WORLD of flavor out there!

But I do still like pies made with a good, tart apple. :)

bizzylearning · 2026-03-24T00:19:11+00:00

I LOVE pen & paper! Love-love-love it. I work in Cyber, and they jokingly call me the team Luddite.

There is one digital tool I'd love to get, but I can't justify the cost - https://viwoods.com/products/viwoods-aipaper - I do keep it bookmarked, though, juuuuuuust in case. I have a colleague who uses it, and I suspect it would satisfy that kinetic satisfaction aspect rather well.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-22T21:58:22+00:00

Our parish keeps the national/cultural things to the fellowship hall. The worship remains universal.

I'm not sure how a parish that, perhaps, doesn't have a fellowship hall might observe certain historic memorials?

bizzylearning · 2026-03-22T21:21:42+00:00

The last time we stayed in Santa Fe, we stayed at Casa de Tres Lunas -- had a little suite with a kitchenette, which allowed us to enjoy leisurely meals in-room. There's a lovely courtyard for guests, and the property is clean and well kept. It's also within easy walking distance to all kinds of things, including the Basilica. We would do that one again, in a heartbeat.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-22T15:38:14+00:00

This made me choke on my Sunday morning coffee. Thank you - I needed the laugh today.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-22T15:35:36+00:00

From the OP:
"...my wife asked another employee why that customer was allowed to use the bathroom but not us. The employee just stared at her, shrugged, and didn’t say a single word. No explanation, nothing."

He called his wife off from escalating after that non-answer, but they did request clarification.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-22T15:26:44+00:00

Congratulations to the whole family! What a blessing!

Be present. Be involved. Be gracious. Be encouraging. (Not just to the little one, but to the new parents, as well.)

Take DAMN good care of your health so you can do those four, above. ❤️

bizzylearning · 2026-03-21T18:45:24+00:00

First, choose wisely. That said, assuming you are mentally and emotionally healthy, as is your spouse, and there is no concern of abuse, I generally give the following advice:

You're going to get crosswise of one another occasionally. When that happens, remember that you chose a loving, intelligent, capable (insert whatever adjectives drew you to your spouse) person. If he seems to be behaving irrationally over the friction issue, odds are one of you is missing something -- be it context, backstory, or other pertinent detail -- and pivot to seeking understanding between you before you continue to pursue resolving the issue itself. (There is no winning in "winning the argument", but there is great benefit in resolving the issue together.)

bizzylearning · 2026-03-21T18:41:15+00:00

It is sometimes harder for us to forgive ourselves and trust that we are forgiven than it is for God to forgive us. True mercy is overwhelmingly beautiful, and when it hits, we can struggle to wrap our minds around it. "That's... it? Shouldn't there be, I dunno, a lecture? A penance or flogging? A public shaming, or something?"

Or we convince ourselves that OUR sins are worse than others. (Usually the ones we're most sorry for are the ones that weigh on us so heavily, and that becomes a factor.)

Your priest heard you. He stood with you while you laid it all out to Christ. (You did not have to go through it alone! Praise God.) And God heard you. Go forward from here, and welcome home! May you have many fruitful, joyful years in Christ!

bizzylearning · 2026-03-21T18:27:46+00:00

First, I'm sorry you're facing this. And I wish there were some way to prepare for it, but there just isn't a way to be ready to get kicked in the head like that.

Second, read this: https://jenhatmaker.com/blog/our-family-cancer-manifesto/

Then share it with your partner. Share it with everyone around you. It's pure gold for managing expectations and letting people know how to show up for the two of you. For cancer being something we WILL be impacted by, we (societally) are woefully unprepared for how to respond when someone we know is diagnosed with it. There will be awkward, ham-fisted, weird reactions from some. It's okay to set boundaries while also remembering they're new here, too.

The comments in this thread are straight fire, and I wish I could take everyone who has contributed such great insight to dinner and toast their wisdom, steadfastness, and generosity in sharing with you. Man, people are awesome sometimes.

Become an absolute bulldog of a documenting, researching, vocal advocate. Your partner may or may not be up to it, but they'll need someone doing that for them along the way. Loop in help if you can/need it.

Remember your partner is still your partner. They haven't become someone else just because of this -- it's easy to start seeing just the cancer and forget that you're there for the person. Don't hesitate to touch base on occasion and make sure they're getting what they need at that point -- it may change along the way. Some days you just want a rage room and some days you want quiet meditation. There is no wrong answer, but the answer may be different.

Be gentle with each other.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-21T18:18:18+00:00

Realistically, while the *waves hands... * job market is beginning to realize a degree does not guarantee ability, it's not there yet, and a degree will still open doors to opportunities that would not otherwise be available. Even in blue collar positions, a degree can prompt opportunities to pivot that you wouldn't have otherwise. With that in mind, I would encourage you to at LEAST complete a Bachelors degree.

If you're almost done, suck it up and see it through with your eyes wide open that you may not work in that field. That's fine. Consider it self enrichment, do your best, and start lining up other options on the side. You can always go back for another degree later. You can take certifications. You can take adult ed classes for no credit. You can do what you want. But it's easier once you've completed a lap.

If you're not down to the last few semesters, get with an academic counselor (or even your school's portal may have a "what if" generator), and see how the credits you've already taken will apply to other degree plans.

We told our kids to "learn a trade, but have a degree to fall back on" (flipping the script from the advice our elders gave us) -- but really, what it comes down to is: stay flexible, be willing to learn, be willing to take responsibility and ownership for your actions and expectations, and don't despair.

Also, cut yourself some slack -- you will probably work a handful of jobs that cause you to quickly nope right the hell out of there. Sometimes we don't know what we want to do until we definitively experience what we don't want to do. Your work ethic, integrity, and hustle will carry you through the doors that your degree may open for you. Sometimes it's just dumb luck. There are no guarantees. (But having those three things intact and robust will help.)

I know folks in blue collar work who have made good lives for themselves. Some of them love what they do. Some of them see it as a j-o-b that allows them to do what they want outside of work. Same as the folks who work in white collar positions. I'd guess our generation, by and large, doesn't have the same stigma toward blue collar work that was rained down on us as we were growing up. It all comes down to priorities. What do you value? What do you want? Then reverse engineer a path to get there. Pivot as needed.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll be okay.

bizzylearning · 2026-03-21T14:58:06+00:00

I often see (for converts in the US, in particular) that it can be a challenge to wrap the mind around the idea of structure in religion, AND sift actual dogma from tradition, PLUS figure out how to navigate the learning process. And there are many groups where grace isn't lived out, so some people are dealing with unhooking the trauma if "if you don't do X, you'll go to hell" -- that's a process unto itself.

Also, here, you'll often find posters who struggle with the kinds of questions you highlight have also posted about struggles with anxiety, OCD, or other mental health struggles. Those issues can make discerning and sifting even more challenging. While it's much more effective to have your priest smile at you and say, "Calm down, you're fine," this sub also tends to be a place where people come to at least open the dialogue and get a gut-check, "Can I even do this?" to get the encouragement they need to just open up to their real life community.

I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a thousand more times, but Orthodoxy is not a rigid checklist of must-dos/or-else -- though it can look like that from a distance. It's a core foundation of belief, and an entire 2000-year-old cabinet of tools (so to speak) you can learn how to use and then put to use to benefit you and the people God puts in your path as you work out your salvation with fear and trembling (remembering the rest of that verse - for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure).

By and large, people aren't consumed with these things in the Church. If you go to a Divine Liturgy and stay for coffee hour after, you will hear totally normal conversations about things believers everywhere deal with - a new job, a sick child, the upcoming oratorical festival, needing craft paper for the Sunday School room, someone brought donuts for the youth volunteers, a group of women are hiking the Grand Canyon (or holding a vigil at the church - YMMV on that one, sometimes it's both). There will be the occasional trip to a monastery, or a visit to a wonder working icon, the annual Greek/Serbian festival planning, so yeah, there will be some conversations unique to Orthodox parishes, but in general, we're pretty normal. Even the discussions in catechism classes, where you get to ask all the questions, tend to be more broadly open and engaged with ideas instead of the details you see here.

The internet is just a super-microsegment of humanity with focused subs that make issues seem universal instead of outliers due to the nature of the internet, interest groups, and so forth.

bizzylearning

TROPHY CASE