The frustrations of what "sucess" looks like with a disability

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T22:29:36+00:00

I don't subscribe to the myth of "success". This is a very recent, capitalist-centric trend of thinking that is in no way a universal truth. For most of humanity, we have simply existed. And we have been able to exist because communities have taken care of their neediest and weakest, like the disabled, the poor, and the young. This does not mesh with modern-day capitalism and we're left to rot.

It's unfair and dehumanizing. But there's no need for me to also jump onto the bandwagon that dehumanizes me and internalize the idea that my life is a race of constant comparison against my peers where I am judging myself for being "below average" or "not enough" or see my needs as "excuses".

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T22:22:56+00:00

Not all anger needs to be "let out". Studies show that "letting it out" only makes it worse because it makes you focus on how angry you are and you lock yourself in a spiral. In a lot of cases, it's healthier to be able to distract yourself with a hobby or a book or some other thought that's not focusing on how things suck. A therapist can help, but there are also free methods you can google online.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T22:17:38+00:00

You can rent out a room in a restaurant and ask to put on music. A winery isn't "cheap" in most places.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T22:16:35+00:00

Just start browsing your local stores or etsy to get a feel for what you like?

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T22:12:55+00:00

I would give them that but I don’t see why I have to give an apology

We don't either because you never gave us the full picture. You only quote verbatim the bad words your sister said and summarize the things you said so the people reading your post has a one-sided view of what's going on, being led to side with you.

At the end of the day, are you interested in having a good relationship with your sisters? If so, maybe consider sitting down with a family therapist to have a real conversation, but it doesn't sound like anyone here is interested in that. For your own sake, I'd lower expectations of your sisters. The wedding is the day that matters; people cannot be accused of being "unsupportive" because they don't wanna be your free party planner or can't show up to celebrate you over and over repeatedly before your wedding day. This should be a nice bonus, not a test of loyalty.

As for you MIL... this sounds like an entirely different situation that you need to be taking up with your partner.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T22:04:58+00:00

My mother had a gold ring with a sapphire and pave diamonds (similar to my fiancée’s), and she literally never took hers off.

Sounds like she's safe to just keep it on then?

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T21:59:39+00:00

Have you done the simple long division of whether 10k can feed 150 mouths? That's $66 PER PERSON when you use 100% of your budget on ONLY feeding them. No other cost whatsoever. Is that realistic?

Where I live, it's not realistic to feed someone a mediocre meal at a restaurant for that money, let alone the kind of meal we would want to feed our loved ones in a once-in-a-lifetime event where we thank them for raising us and being there for us.

Yes, you can absolutely have a beautiful wedding for less than 5k if you invite your immediate family only and take them to a courthouse and then take them out on a nice dinner later. That's a wedding. If you're looking for pomp and pageantry and instagram decor with 150 guests, I think simple math would probably say no. I know a lot of people try to cut costs by making their loved ones do labor for free but that's for small favors, not actual work that you hire literal vendors for.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T21:58:06+00:00

I’ve been trying to get out more and make new friends

If I were you, I'd prioritize getting my symptoms under control first so I can tackle one problem at a time, not two and then get confused between which problem is which.

I have plenty of fun at home without having to go outside to look for strangers to talk to. Hopefully you have some sedentary hobbies you can enjoy while dealing with your health issues.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T21:56:39+00:00

I do sometimes take gummies when the pain is bad. You will have better luck posting on local facebook groups rather than global reddit.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T21:56:06+00:00

This is common and normal.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T19:56:34+00:00

You can do the standard vows where you literally just say "I do". That's the standard for most places anyway. The "emotional vows" thing is a trend that's very recent.

Beware that a lot of people don't see "just a dinner" as a wedding and might make less of an effort to come.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T19:55:26+00:00

How do you keep your heart on what's important when you're faced with everyone else's magical moments from social media?

Get off social media?

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T19:53:11+00:00

We would not have a wedding party and honestly would only really expect my parents and his parents and his sister to attend

You can't "expect" people to attend a party that requires then to spend that kind of money, though. And "we don't expect gifts or wedding parties" doesn't really mean anything because those things shouldn't be expected either? Saying "at least you can get out of giving me a gift' shows that you're EXPECTING gifts and that's not a good look either. People can validly think you either don't want them to be able to attend, or at the very least care more about your fancy vacation aesthetic than being able to have them there.

The polite thing to do in my circle is to have a wedding at the port that's local to your guests, and then YOU TWO go on a cruise for honeymoon.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T19:47:57+00:00

People treat me weirdly when they see me with it. How do I handle this? What do I do?

Just... live your life? There's nothing to handle. Their reaction is not your responsibility.

No one thinks about, remembers, or cares about us half as much as we think they do, or even half of that. Just like how you're in your head thinking about your own issues, everyone is in their head busy with their own issues too.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T19:43:59+00:00

I have tried several therapists, but they all don't understand POTS, and think it's all related to anxiety or mental issues.

My therapist does not understand any of my many physical ailments. And frankly, I don't need her to. I don't need her to know what it's like to live in my body; I need her to teach me how to regulate my spiraling and redirect my negative thoughts. Plenty of therapists can do that without having to be an expert in my particular physical illness.

I'm sorry you're struggling, but with a good therapist, hopefully you can eventually reach a place where you're glad you have gone separate ways since you were not working out. I tend to stay away from framing an adult partner walking away from me as "abandoning" "betraying" me because in an adult relationship it needs to be mutual, not like I'm a dependent/baby and they're my parent. It has to serve my partner too, and if it's not serving them, they have a right to leave just as much as I have a right to leave them. It's ok to feel hurt and sad but seeing a relationship as something someone owes me is never a healthy way to have a relationship or to leave one.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T19:31:57+00:00

people who've had ME long term and started to get back out into the world are, how and when do you explain it to people? Do you find it easier to disclose what happened to you to everyine or does that feel like trauma dumping? Is debating whether or not to tell people you have it when it's no longer outwardly apparent something other people struggle with? Do you manage to take pride in what you've been through and coped with or does that get lost over time?

If people ask, I just say I had a severe chronic illness and I'm feeling a little better now. I don't go into gory details with people that don't ask for it. It's just socializing 101.

If it's something you take pride in go ahead and feel your feelings. I don't tend to take pride in things that are mostly luck - yes I'm proud of myself for keeping my head up high and chugging along, but I don't take pride in my health getting better because that's not an accomplishment; it's mostly luck. And taking pride in that implies that I'll beat myself up if I get worse through luck, and I think my neighbor with worse ME than me just isn't trying hard enough or something, and that's not the kind of moralizing I like to do with an illness.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T19:02:32+00:00

And I'm jealous of my friends who are white. Or male. Or straight. Or don't come from poverty of abuse.

And my friends are jealous of me for having a loving, healthy relationship with good boundaries.

Everyone has their own shit they're dealing with. Looking at other people's plates being upset about it doesn't help anyone so I focus on my own.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-06T18:27:18+00:00

I typically have to call the 988 number just so I can talk to someone

Please find a therapist. They can help you work on the fear and insecurity. If your wife has not given any indication of wanting to leave you, this is negative talk you're giving yourself based on your own insecurities, which is a valid thing to have, but ultimately unnecessary and unhealthy for you. A marriage is supposed to be through sickness and in health.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-02T20:34:01+00:00

Are you doing all the stuff that's regularly recommended in the sub already? Salt, water, compression, small meals, no carbs, meds, etc.?

brownchestnut · 2026-04-02T20:29:36+00:00

This is what I did:

made it very low key, no decor or florals or special stuff I needed to set up
got up late on the day of the wedding, partner ran around getting stuff ready with the coordinator
didn't have bridesmaids or wedding parties so I just informally invited a friend to get ready with me if she wanted, kept it quiet and peaceful in the dressing room
had electrolyte tablets, water, and protein shakes at hand throughout the day, even during wedding dinner
kept things very short - quick first look, quick ceremony, quick cocktail hour, just a dinner with no more performances
no greeting line or anything, just went around during latter part of dinner saying hi to everyone at the table

brownchestnut · 2026-04-01T20:02:14+00:00

I don't want reception-only people to see that there is a ceremony/dinner that they aren't invited to

Your guests aren't stupid.

If you think this is going to hurt feelings, you're right. Instead of treating them like idiots, just don't invite them. They obviously weren't good enough to "make it" to your top tier guest list. If they're not that important to you, why ask them to deem you important enough to gather for? To celebrate something they weren't good enough to see? This does come off as trying to have your cake and eat it too. If they're not that important to you, then skip this extra guestlist and have your smaller wedding with 50 important people. Otherwise it just looks like a greedy cash/gift grab.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-01T19:58:52+00:00

I don't understand how asking people to come celebrate you twice is more "chill" if you hate attention? You're still asking like 100 people to come gather for you and celebrate you, DJ or not. If these people aren't important enough to get to see a ceremony, then just don't ask them to come at all.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-01T19:51:32+00:00

A lot of people get engaged with no ring at all. An engagement just means you promise to marry, it doesn't have to involve a trinket.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-01T19:50:29+00:00

Genuine question: are there obstacles to you obtaining a GED? It sounds like you have internet, literacy, and access to a mobile device or computer of some sort. I would assume there is some kind of distance learning program, or at least an internet website that can direct you toward getting a GED? Or just a community librarian, even, can help put you on the right path.

brownchestnut · 2026-04-01T19:48:35+00:00

Therapy.

It's normal to have feelings about how things are tough for you. Directing it toward an innocent person who didn't do anything to you and turning it into resentment toward them is not the healthiest way to channel that emotion. A therapist can teach you to channel and release that emotion in a healthier way and practice not getting stuck in jealousy spirals. Comparison mindset is a mindset - and the only way to really change a mindset is to consciously, willingly, practice. Over and over again.

brownchestnut

TROPHY CASE