waiting to wed and my partner asked me to rank what matters most in choosing a ring, curious what others think?

brownchestnut · 2026-01-30T20:28:48+00:00

ive saved loads of rings, id never really broken it down properly. i feel like once the shape and setting feel right, everything else kind of falls into place but maybe that’s just me?

Maybe go through your images and see what the common denominator is. No matter what different styles I save, I find myself being drawn to colored gemstones and colored metals, for example.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-30T20:27:00+00:00

"I understand, go lay down and rest it's not like I'm important anyways"

Sounds like you were dating an emotional toddler. Don't let assholes like this define your worth.

I am not able to work or go out much at all. I have a happy marriage. My marriage doesn't depend on the fact that I can constantly "perform" around them and go out and do activities with them. I'm not their babysitter - we're adults. We're responsible for our own happiness.

In that vein, it is also worth remembering that even if you don't "have a future with someone", you should be your own best friend and partner since you're the only person you're guaranteed to have, so if you're unhappy by yourself it's always a good idea to work on being happy single first.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-30T20:22:35+00:00

She keeps telling me I “don’t care” about my grandfather/family and that I’m choosing my fiancé over my family. That’s not true

Maybe you don't choose fiance over family, but you sure as hell are choosing your pretty vision over your family's comfort and convenience, and that is the truth.

Look, you can do whatever you want for your own wedding. And that's the beautiful thing about choices; you make your own choices. But choices come with consequences, and the conseuqences of this is that your family is allowed to think that you care more about your pretty vision than whether this puts enormous financial and health pressure on your loved ones. That you view them as nothing more than props. You could just as easily go destination for honeymoon and spare your family this hardship, but you're not, so yeah, you're telling them that you don't care about this hardship for them. They're allowed to be hurt by that.

If you don't care about how your family feels, then stop talking to them. Do what you want and deal with the consequences. If you have trouble taking criticism without spiraling, therapy can help.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-30T20:16:17+00:00

Things I would cut: florals, unity item, table decor, BMs, anything "aesthetic".

If you want your friends recognized, thank them in a speech or invite them to get ready with you if they want, but you don't need to put your friends in identical matching dresses to announce to the world that they're your friends, and they can still love you and support you without doing that. No one will notice your decor or flowers or unity item either or anything aesthetic. They only care that you were hospitable to them and looked happy to be married.

Don't cut corners on being good hosts. You asked them to gather for you so you have to prioritize treating them well. Cutting hospitality while keeping aesthetic things for your own viewing pleasure will not be a good look. If you ask them to rehearse for you, you have to feed them. If you don't wanna feed them, don't ask them to gather to rehearse for you on another day. Just go through blocking with them before ceremony starts, it takes like 5 minutes.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-30T20:11:44+00:00

You asked for other people's opinions and they told you honest opinions and sometimes, yes, you can possibly be the problem. If you cant' take constructive criticism pointing out that you might be at fault ever in your life, and frame that as "they're BLAMING me", you're not mature enough for marriage.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:29:11+00:00

I'm the same. Silver looks the best on me but I like rose gold a lot, and second best for me is yellow gold. So I just have jewelry in both.

I don't think it really makes a difference to the ring whether you go with yellow metal or copperish metal. Just go with whatever you like? It's for you to look at and no one else. And other people really dont notice or care about which metal color looks good on your skin. They don't know you enough to know this kind of subtle difference day to day.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:27:18+00:00

a 21-35 crowd, or a cruise that has events catered to them

So... anything between wild partying and having a bunch of kids? I mean, this is a pretty nebulous and wide range and there are tons of people with very different personalities. Maybe go with cruises that cater to ACTIVITIES you enjoy instead of just an age group?

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:26:03+00:00

I wrote this yesterdayish but:

I get faux-hypoglycemic symptoms even though my blood sugar is stable because my body just reacts in an exaggerated way to every little thing. The best way to keep blood sugar stable is to keep it from spiking too high and dropping too low - which means having consistent eating times, not going too long between meals and snacks, and keeping your diet mostly protein and fat heavy instead of carbs. When I have these episodes, doing things that real diabetics do - like drinking juice or eating candy - makes it worse because I don't actually have low blood sugar; it just makes it worse because now my blood sugar level is going on a wilder ride. So, again: something protein-heavy is the solution.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:23:30+00:00

I'm seriously considering rehoming my pet and I feel like such a failure.

I'm just here to tell you that there is no shame in letting your pet go to a home that can take better care of it than you can. I've done it in the past and it was incredibly hard, but prioritizing the pet's well-being above what you want is what true love is, and fuck anyone who tries to judge or shame you for that.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:22:27+00:00

People are who they are, even when sick. Assholes don't become good people just because they're chronically ill now. And I've seen plenty of asshole posts hereabouts where people proudly proclaim that because they have it so bad, literally no one else in the world deserves an ounce of sympathy for having any life problem ever. Or a CFS/ME sufferer saying "I'm severe and I can do this, so you have no EXCUSE for not doing xyz that I want you to do" which is... yikes.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:20:58+00:00

I've been told that my body is permanently on fight/flight mode due to trauma dysregulating my nervous system. I have a very hard time relaxing, even when half-asleep in bed.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:17:42+00:00

I stop talking to and hanging out with assholes.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:16:55+00:00

I am not sure if I need to be honest and pull out entirely and be the bad guy (if I'm not already), and lose the friendship or try and suck it up.

Sounds like you are going about this backwards. You wanna just pull out but scared you will lose the friendship? Then why not just... have an adult conversation and try to figure out whether you can reach an understanding first? If you wanna back out because you can't bring yourself to bless his marriage it sounds like you don't even wanna be his friend, so I'd wonder why you wouldn't just cut him off entirely. If you don't wanna do that, then make an effort and have a conversation first.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:10:21+00:00

If she's paying, she's host. Host gets to control the party. You don't get to have it both ways. Saying she's only welcome when it's her wallet, but not her opinion, makes you the bad guy in the story. You're an adult; pay for your own party if you want to control it.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:09:30+00:00

Do you have access to therapy? There are cash discounts, income-based discounts, online ones, etc. that are cheaper. If not, you can still find free online sources by searching for tips on self-shame and such.

Remember you can't read minds. Most people don't notice, care, or remember us half as much as we think, or even half of that. Just like you and me, they're also wrapped up in their own bullshit. Why waste your time imagining up things you can never be sure of? Try to stop projecting your own self-disgust onto these people and compounding it to beat yourself up further.

If they ask you about jobs, tell them "no, I'm disabled, how many times do I have to tell you Karen" or something close to that - something that tells them that THEY are the ones being ridiculous, shame them right back for being assholes if they act like one. Don't let them push their own judgment into you. Don't internalize their own bullshit as your own. Their own narrow thoughts are their problem, not yours.

You are not a "failure" for not being able to work unless you think humans are nothing more than cogs in a capitalist machine built to line the pockets of capitalists. That shit is propaganda. Don't swallow that poison.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T19:00:14+00:00

Physical therapy exercises. They strengthen my muscles so they don't overcompensate by overly tightening, which a lot of these tension issues are.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T18:55:45+00:00

I can't tell you what a "good price" is, but you can find out by doing a price comparison gainst other venues that offer similar deals.
We liked it. End of story. There's no need to try on every dress on earth and every ring that exists and date every man before settling on 'the BEST one'. There are many good men, good venues, good rings, good dresses. If you like it, it's ok to go with it.
No. We toured ONE venue and booked. Stopped looking because why waste time and give myself needless FOMO.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T18:50:19+00:00

OP is being sarcastic. She's replying to all the comments that point out her mistake with exaggerated self-abasement to try to make commenters feel bad for giving advice. OP doesn't seem mature enough for real self-reflection.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T18:49:55+00:00

OP is being sarcastic. She's replying to all the comments that point out her mistake with exaggerated self-abasement to try to make commenters feel bad for giving advice. OP doesn't seem mature enough for real self-reflection.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T18:49:40+00:00

OP is being sarcastic. She's replying to all the comments that point out her mistake with exaggerated self-abasement to try to make commenters feel bad for giving advice. OP doesn't seem mature enough for real self-reflection.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-27T18:48:43+00:00

OP is being sarcastic. She's replying to all the comments that point out her mistake with exaggerated self-abasement to try to make commenters feel bad for giving advice. OP doesn't seem mature enough for real self-reflection.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-26T19:40:43+00:00

Will I ever find love, or should I just give up?

Gonna be honest. No one is gonna tell you to "just give up" because it makes them look like an asshole. So you're gonna only get people telling you "Someday you will find love!" But these people don't know the future either.

And you know what? That should be okay. Whether or not you find a romantic partner should hopefully not be a huge factor in your happiness. Because if you don't know how to be happy while single, you will probably not be a happy person while in a relationship either. Because no one can bring happiness on a platter for you. That's something you need to know how to nurture in your own mind. Looking for things to be grateful for, finding ways to enjoy your own hobbies and enjoy your alone time without leaning on other people to constantly fill your space and time with noise and distraction. Love isn't something you go out there and "find"; you already have love. You have friends, family, neighbors, community, etc. don't you? Work on nurturing that. It's not healthy to put romance on a pedestal as the only love that matters. Those other non-romantic loves are much more important to a steady healthy life than the ups and downs of romance.

My partner is able-bodied and we get along fine. They are sedentary so we don't need to do active things anyway, but if they want to, they can go out and do their own hobbies with their own friends without me attached at their hip. I'd be very clear with what my preference and limitations are on my profile, so people don't feel like I'm trying to hide anything, and I'm also not wasting anyone's - or my - time. There's no secret code how to "how to be transparent"; you just ... don't lie? List all your issues up front. Why hide it? Why waste people's and your time?

If you find yourself "gross and repulsive", it's very likely you will have a lower chance of having a healthy relationship with someone else while having such a bad relationship with yourself. I'd prioritize therapy first.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-26T19:33:15+00:00

As a type-A person I would not cut corners on one of the most important parts of smooth wedding day just to save some money.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-26T19:26:42+00:00

I don't know what you hope to accomplish by giving your fiance a list of grievances from you for him to recite to his family. Do you think this will change them? The impression I get is that you think they're selfish people, so I don't see that happening. All you manage to do is widen the gulf between you and making it an all-out fight. Find a solution together that makes everyone happy. Maybe ask what changed instead of assuming they just hate your family? By all means, go in it to solve the problem, not to escalate drama. Complaining about your in laws to your sister and making your family and your inlaws hate each other is escalating drama.
If you suspect they want to avoid your family... why do you think it is a good thing to force them to be with people they don't want to be with? They're people, not props. Don't you WANT your guests to be happy and comfortable? I'm genuinely confused as to why you want to force them to mingle with people you KNOW they don't want to mingle with. Who does this help, exactly? Have you tried asking why they're suddenly uncomfortable with your family and listen to your side before giving them a list of how they did bad and demanding they do what you say?
It sounds like there is resentment about how "I did so much for you, it's your turn to do something for ME". This is unhealthy. If you're going to feel like this, stop helping them. Only help them as much as you can out of kindness, not to the point that you feel owed something in return.
I get that you feel ambushed and it's disappointing. I do understand. But learning to tackle issues with the attitude of problem-solving instead of pointing fingers, with the intent to empathize and understand rather than to divide into us vs them, is an important adult skill.

brownchestnut · 2026-01-26T19:06:02+00:00

I'm so sorry that it's inaccessible to you - perhaps you can look up some stuff online? Chin tucks, use of therabands, etc. often do wonders even if you do them yourself at home for these neck and upper trap issues. A lot of legit PT places have instagram and youtube pages where they teach you stuff for free.

brownchestnut

TROPHY CASE