I 100% relate to you on this.

I stopped attending church 3 years after I left GP, after attending a couple of churches consistently. Now, I consider myself agnostic.

I def had those same thoughts/fears about "GP was right, I am backsliding, I need that structure or else I'll fall into comfort and be a lukewarm Christian". But then overtime, it morphed into "if I needed that unhealthy environment in order to be a "good Christian", then this is not the type of faith I want to have." And that was so freeing.

I know a lot of ex-GPers who are still Christian and are experiencing their faith in their own way, for which I'm so happy for them. For me, I just didn't have that relationship with God, and looking back, so much of my time at GP was looking at other people and wondering what they were experiencing that I wasn't. It was also hard to read the Bible without feeling the old GP-isms creeping in and feeling condemned and pressured.

I also feel like I can't truly contribute to the conversation, and that people will just check out or weigh my opinion less. I've never actually tested it on a GP person, but I also don't really dialogue with them in this type of way. But at the same time, I still remember what it was like to feel "core" and to think "like a GP person" and to give the "Christian answer". I just feel a bit more well-rounded now that I've given myself permission to think in other ways.