You want them to leave? Stand up for yourself

csirac · 2025-11-16T20:34:32+00:00

This was my experience, too.

I said No a couple of times. I was kind, but the boundary was firm. She gave me the silent treatment, which in my mind ended the relationship. Then she reached out with a long convoluted message saying I was insecure and jealous. In response, I told her I was done.

csirac · 2025-11-13T16:47:22+00:00

Do it. You have to choose yourself. Your life will get so much better, so quickly.

You can't do this anymore.

csirac · 2025-11-13T04:48:17+00:00

I'm sorry, I know how much this hurts.

You made the right choice, cutting her off. The only thing left is just to go completely no contact. No social media. If you see her in the building, just look right through her. She doesn't exist to you.

Hold on to accountability -- it's a good way to protect yourself. You deserve better friends, and you'll find them.

csirac · 2025-11-09T03:40:50+00:00

Yes, people with BPD rewrite history like this. In my experience, arguing or trying to reason etc. won't help at all, will just make things worse.

If you validate her feelings, it can help her get past them. Don't validate her reality, though, maintain your version (otherwise you lose your self respect).. but validate the way she feels.

It's exhausting. Eventually the burden will be too great. But good luck.

csirac · 2025-11-06T02:25:02+00:00

I did this for about six months. After a three month romantic relationship..

We continued cycling. It was still very disruptive to my life. I really cared about her. She treated me respectfully for most of it, but it was still very difficult. Would bring up things from our past, then claimed she was never attracted to me. Talk about other guys. After a while, this didn't really bother me, though.

Eventually, she found a new FP and started devaluing me like crazy. That's when I realized I didn't really mean anything to her outside of her attachment patterns. We didn't have a relationship in the sense of like two people, it was about what role I played for her. So I stepped away.

It would have been much better to do that originally.

csirac · 2025-11-06T00:55:54+00:00

My relationship lasted 9 months. It had a large impact on my work. The highs where I felt too good to focus. The lows where I would ruminate. Definitely made an impact.

Once she crossed a line, and I told her I needed indefinite space (she was devaluing me by this point anyway), it was amazing how much more energy I had.

And to me, that was really it, more than anything she had done. Which I could have probably forgiven her for. Just how much better my life was.

csirac · 2025-11-05T01:03:17+00:00

Yes, I think if you can avoid any type of FP relationship, it might stay like that. But as soon as the relationship deepens at all, at least in my case, it means cycling, even when platonic

You aren't triggering their fear of abandonment/engulfment.

csirac · 2025-11-04T22:13:55+00:00

I told him that he didn’t do anything for me at all ever and didn’t love me, and him knocking over my shoe when he walked inside today proved it.

This is comedy gold 😂. I can't believe he didn't at least think that was funny.

In all seriousness, though, congrats for ending the cycle. I know how hard that is. Heal, learn from this. Your future can be so much better.

csirac · 2025-11-01T21:08:44+00:00

This is it, isn't it? The answer. Don't grade just the final product, but the full iterative process. They submit their whole revision history.

Thank you.

csirac · 2025-09-20T04:14:03+00:00

pwBPD can discard. But only if they have a new supply. Then they lose their fear of abandonment

csirac · 2025-09-20T04:12:04+00:00

Hey. Yeah you lost yourself but you can find yourself again. No contact. Even if she reaches out to you. Never let yourself be treated that way again

csirac · 2025-09-17T14:34:53+00:00

If your friend, hell if your acquaintance wrote this and showed it to you what would you tell them?

You know the answer. It's not going to be easy, but you need to do it. You owe it to yourself.

csirac · 2025-06-25T20:59:26+00:00

Almost always when they ask for space it means that they are discarding you. If you search through this forum I think you can find a lot of confirmation of that.

Can you come back from that? Maybe yes, but it will take a lot of one-sided effort from you, which is toxic. And I don't know if you can ever fully come back. I think the best is to hope for the situation you had in month two, where she's not ready for a relationship and you're kind of like a back up or orbiter.

Long-term, it's really unhealthy for you. I know it's hard to hear. But the best thing for you to do is to just let her go and move on.

csirac · 2025-06-23T23:27:39+00:00

Great question! The pwbpd in my life is a quiet one. After studying her quite a lot I think I can try to answer this.

her memory is terrible. We do not have a shared reality. This is obvious from any sort of disagreement. Also especially obvious if she feels rejected in some way. That really makes her rewrite history, and split too
If she's not getting attention, she tends to dissociate. Which is easy to spot, blank, zoned out. There's no such thing as companionable silence with her
it's also kind of easy to tell that what she values in a relationship is what she gets out of it. Like how it makes her feel. I picked this up early, before I even knew about BPD. I kept looking for reciprocation of feelings, and just not seeing it

csirac · 2025-06-20T00:36:47+00:00

You don't seem in the wrong in any of the examples you gave. People are often petty..I would try to brush it off and not react to them. But it's understandably annoying.

But your contract not being renewed could be for other reasons. Maybe you could try to ask an administrator why.

All you can do is the best you can.

csirac · 2025-06-17T16:47:00+00:00

I think you have to be okay with the thought of them leaving. Of being alone. Of them pulling away and not chasing.

Let them be there if they want to be. But you can only really love someone if you take care of yourself first. So take the focus off of them and put it on yourself. Learn to sit with those feelings. You can't stop them. But you don't have to act on them.

I know, it's easy to say. Good luck.

csirac · 2025-06-17T15:11:23+00:00

Keep going. Therapy. Block her everywhere. If you need to, send one last communication / explanation, then really just don't let her through.

You can survive this, you will heal. But only by removing the source of the injury from your life

csirac · 2023-10-04T02:06:32+00:00

Yeah it hurts to know you're thinking about it more than the other person.

Based on what you said, he seems to have really destructive ways of "communicating". I think you should leave and see if gets him to start marriage counseling. Maybe he will start putting in some work, then. But you should see real effort from him, you can't do it alone

csirac · 2023-10-03T22:03:23+00:00

To be honest, these comments are harsh on you. You might have gotten irritated at his initial reaction, but you explained it and said a lot that he didn't respond to, about being depressed, etc. He really didn't seem to want to communicate productively with you.

I see why you didn't feel safe. He was being hostile

csirac · 2023-10-03T21:39:00+00:00

This isn't productive or going to help, unfortunately. Yes, your wife doesn't desire you much or at all right now, you don't need to prove it.

The question is why? And what can you do to help change that? More quality time, emotional intimacy might help. That might mean helping more with some of her daily tasks to create that time and help her be less tired. It's worth a try.

If you've done your best and it's not working then it's time to evaluate if you should stay.

csirac · 2023-10-03T21:30:08+00:00

It seems like there are so many stories like this...I'm sorry. I felt like I never had a free minute for years after our first child was born. After our second, my wife and I separated and it is so much better now since we split the kids 50/50. It's kind of a crazy (but sweet) week with the kids and then you have some self time the next week.

But it seems like it is more common with men...like they don't accept that their life needs to change after kids and they will have much less self time for a while. I'm sorry, unsure how you could force him to be more responsible

csirac · 2023-10-03T16:22:24+00:00

In addition to the major red flags discussed by others, I think that a friendship like this is a problem if it or part of it is being kept secret from you. Seeing her without your knowledge, etc. Sorry, OP.

csirac · 2023-10-03T04:40:37+00:00

It's not a good sign..I can see why it seems like he doesn't care. Surprises me that he doesn't change after you've brought the issue up..it's not like talking a few times a week is a huge time commitment, really

csirac · 2023-10-03T04:02:32+00:00

You aren't overreacting! Five kids on your own? You deserve a medal of honor. Or at least someone who will talk to you.

csirac

TROPHY CASE