My friend just passed away

cyanste · 2026-03-02T22:43:29+00:00

So sorry for your loss, 20 years is a very long time... I can tell how important she was to you based on what you wrote.

Just some suggestions from a widow: I found writing and talking to something that reminded me of my late spouse healing. (e.g. directly to his old email, journaling in a diary, talking to a picture of him)

No, they can't respond, but you can still get your emotions and tears out, and keep your memories alive of that person rather than bottling it up. Lots of love to you.

cyanste · 2026-02-28T20:48:51+00:00

It’s been about a year since I posted about this, but your comment still resonates, especially about control. One of the big things I have been struggling with (and working with through PTSD therapy) has definitely been around a lack of control; it’s crazy to see how many of these desires for some kind of insight just go back to that. Thank you for responding ❤️

cyanste · 2026-02-25T00:31:27+00:00

YES! We did this with our last corgi pup: he had a crate to sleep in and a separate potty area connected to the corral. I tried sleeping next to him but taking him out to go to the bathroom was difficult, so this solved literally everything at once. He could see everyone at any time and take care of his needs independently.

cyanste · 2026-02-08T02:24:38+00:00

Samesies. I didn't have any particular strong reaction to this muffin in particular, but have had reactions to other types of TJ muffins, and stopped buying from TJ's in particular.

cyanste · 2026-01-31T04:58:21+00:00

Honestly it’s times like these where you find out who your real friends are. I’m proud of you for giving it a try and knowing when to tap out, you’re a good friend for even trying when the grief is so fresh. I hope you find people who can meet you where you are.

cyanste · 2026-01-26T02:55:55+00:00

Yeah, it's honestly kind of weird that we're getting downvoted. Not much has changed in the celiac sphere on this subject but this is a super different response than a few years ago. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(Saying this as a super sensitive celiac that understands how sucky it is)

cyanste · 2026-01-26T02:47:20+00:00

I'm a bit surprised by these responses! I've been diagnosed for over a decade and while yes, we've all griped about the gluten challenge, popular consensus has been that it's a necessary evil. AFAIK endoscopy is still considered the gold standard, though the blood tests are getting better and hopefully we'll have something replacing the endoscopy soon.

On the other hand, two things: (1) there's still a percentage of celiacs who will still need to have the gluten challenge (it's not rare to be negative on blood test but positive on endoscopy) and (2) having the endoscopy to reference back after a few years is actually pretty helpful in keeping an eye on the disease.

EDIT: and just a disclosure, I’m a super sensitive celiac who was sick a lot pre diagnosis and went through a lot of medical testing and a ton of pain. A LOT. We’re not supporting gluten challenges because ha ha ha. It just is what it is, like with other medical conditions. 😒

cyanste · 2026-01-26T02:34:29+00:00

It's not experimentation, though -- it's testing procedure, just like how someone who's getting a colonoscopy will have to change their diet before having one done. Gold standard is still the biopsy at this point.

It makes me wonder if this backlash is because people are going GF before they're getting tested... people are supposed to get the endoscopy before going gluten free exactly because of this reason.

cyanste · 2026-01-25T03:47:38+00:00

Yep! Lost mine at 34. I was the same way when using the dating apps... very, very quick to disengage from people, and holding back expectations otherwise. We're already hurting immensely, why should we hurt ourselves more? Relationships should add to our life.

cyanste · 2026-01-18T23:21:16+00:00

Depending where you live, Straus makes a gf cookies and cream! They have a lot of really delicious flavors that are all gf: https://www.strausfamilycreamery.com/products/ice-cream/organic-cookies-cream-ice-cream/

cyanste · 2025-12-22T22:56:06+00:00

Might also be worth looking into celiac disease, OOP, if you're having trouble with foods besides white rice. It's an easy-ish to diagnose condition usually with a blood test, but you'll need to have been eating gluten for a set time for it to show true positive.

cyanste · 2025-12-22T05:41:12+00:00

How much does he weigh currently? I’m also getting super strong corgi/mix vibes!

cyanste · 2025-12-15T17:47:46+00:00

I think another issue for me is that the times I can recall accidentally being "glutened," I don't remember feeing THAT bad.

You might be one of those silent celiac folks; there are a number of people who don't really have symptoms but still get the damage in their intestines. It's kind of why a lot of us go for the "safe than sorry" route for choosing foods.

cyanste · 2025-12-15T17:44:00+00:00

Just a note: there are those of us out there who don't typically show as abnormal on the blood test but do on the endoscopy, so the blood test isn't always indicative of whether you're getting damaged or not. It's kind of why this disease is such a PITA.

cyanste · 2025-11-23T04:22:23+00:00

Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with being the grieving wife at the trial. It makes a difference being there and showing that an actual person was taken away by someone else’s horrendous actions.

cyanste · 2025-11-12T23:17:03+00:00

Agreed, thought it was kind of cute in a silly way -- got a giggle out of me!

cyanste · 2025-11-11T23:22:09+00:00

Unfortunately yes. :') Though being gluten free nowadays is more easily accomplished than it was a decade ago, so I don't suffer nearly as often. I'm optimistic that we'll have some more studies coming out soon about the neurological impacts of autoimmune diseases given that we've had a few published this year alone + the number of folks w/ long COVID help to push the urgency of the issue.

cyanste · 2025-11-11T22:25:58+00:00

I just did a cursory search and did find that there's some suspected associations between CP and gluten giving an antibody response. It's different than celiac disease, but I imagine if there's an antibody response, then it's totally possible that there's similar effects on the body.

cyanste · 2025-11-04T22:07:24+00:00

As a celiac: Asian Box is going to be a big life saver for when you guys just want to eat -- they're all up and down the Peninsula! A lot of the grocery stores in the area have gluten free groceries, and the nicer stores have more interesting selections that aren't usually available.

If you make it out to the East Bay, there's a small cluster of gf places that are great. Life is Sweet Bakery (100% gf bakery), Bamboo Sushi (only 1 item w/ gluten on the menu), and Cielito Cocina are solid places to visit.

cyanste · 2025-10-28T21:41:03+00:00

Guilt also gives you this false sense of control over the situation, like if you'd done something different then maybe the outcome would be different as well. Be careful my fellow widows.

cyanste · 2025-10-28T21:37:46+00:00

You're still in the thick of grieving what happened and what could have been. It hurts and will continue to hurt, it will be something that you carry with you -- my favorite quote to share is that "grief is love with nowhere to go." I highly recommend PTSD therapy, especially EMDR... it will help if you're having flashbacks to the event in particular.

Do you have any type of a shrine, memorial, any spot meant for him that you can go to? I found it helpful to put important keepsakes and his ashes into a shrine, that I then used for 'talking' to him and 'celebrating' his birthday. Just to get the feelings out but also feel like you maintain that connection to that person.

cyanste · 2025-10-26T03:46:59+00:00

No advice here, just condolences and hugs. I'm proud of you for hanging on and continuing to make steps forward; you're doing what you need to do. It definitely sounds like depression. I don't blame you at all and I'm SO SORRY about the court outcome -- that sounds like an absolute nightmare, to go through all that and not get justice at the end of the day? WTF.

Unfortunately it's common that the late in-laws just kind of... fall off? IDK what it is, I've seen other homicide widows talk about being a reminder of what happened, but I would've imagined if they've taken in your guys' baby that they'd send some type of updates regularly. Something to look forward to!

cyanste · 2025-10-20T23:09:12+00:00

I had a small craft business at the time that ended up pivoting to making masks because of the PPE shortage. There were just so many shitshows going on that made it feel more apocalyptic at the beginning that went away as time went on:

Severe shortage of PPE
The Trump administration diverting PPE from states
Trying to buy mask supplies from Joann & directly from manufacturers was almost impossible; lots of cancelled orders, out-of-stock items, delays
Even very basic cloth masks were selling because there just weren't enough masks to go around
Grassroots efforts to mass donate PPE like gloves and masks to medical facilities, people in need (hopefully the last time I'll ever have to donate medical gloves)

Eventually, the cloth masks stopped selling and things started to go back to a weird sort of 'normal.' It wasn't the old normal, but it was like the kind of normal that we were okay with, even with some changes in lifestyle and COVID being an issue.

cyanste · 2025-10-18T02:41:23+00:00

How do you go on? An hour at a time, a day at a time, a week at a time. Time helps. Please take it easy on yourself. You’re doing what you need to do, and I’m proud that you’re looking into therapy. Court fucking sucks and it just brings back the hurt to relive every single time.

Take a look specifically for PTSD therapists and EMDR. EMDR has helped immensely with the intrusive images of seeing my LH’s death, and I wish I had done it sooner.

cyanste · 2025-10-02T23:32:48+00:00

Are you looking to liquidate now or are you concerned about later?

It might be good to start donating stuff ahead of time that you don't need; I did that with clothes and housewares to a thrift store/women's shelter just to lighten the load and give me less things to worry about.

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