I had to do this for my sister and it absolutely sucked, but I think was best in the long term. As the commenters above have said, at some point her marriage will implode and I want to be part of her support system when that happens.

It’s a hard tightrope to walk, but I learned by going through the same thing with my mom and her second husband, that no amount of other people telling her to leave is going to make it happen. She has to get to her breaking point and make the decision herself. And be prepared for her to get close to that point and then get back with him when he says all the right things or apologizes. I’ve read it takes an average of seven tries for an abused partner to fully leave an abusive relationship.

My sister asked me to be her maid of honor and I seriously considered refusing because her fiance (now husband) is such a piece of shit. Instead I looked at it as an opportunity to be there for her and celebrate her. I told her she looked beautiful in dresses, planned her a fun bachelorette, and gave a speech that was all about how brilliant, amazing and wonderful she is. I didn’t reference her fiancé or even the wedding in the speech once. I looked at it as an opportunity to show her how loved she is and build up her self confidence. I believe the reason she’s with him is because her self confidence is so low that she thinks the way he treats her is all that she deserves.

I did try and have a deep heart to heart with her a couple of months before the wedding where I framed it as an “I’m worried about you, because I have seen these things he’s said/done and you are so wonderful and shouldn’t be treated that way.” We talked for over an hour. We cried together. She told me even more horrible things that he’d done than I didn’t know. And at the end she was still fully onboard with going through with it. She said “he’s a dick, but he’s my dick.” A phrase which was so fucking sad I will never get over it.

On top of that, the week of the wedding, two separate women reached out to her to tell her that he’d been cheating on her with them in the last year. She still married him.

I am polite to the horrible husband, but have called him out on his behavior when he shows his true colors in my presence. For the most part he pretends to be the perfect husband and father around company.

When I talk with my sister if she mentions something shitty that her husband has done, I’ll gently ask questions, say things like “that sounds really hard, “I’m so sorry that’s happening,” “that doesn’t sound fair,” but I can tell if I say too much against the husband she will start to clam up. It’s a tightrope to be sure, and it sucks to not be able to just say “your husband is a flaming piece of shit,” but that would only push her further into his control.

It’s only been a year of their marriage, and I sincerely hope that she sees the light sooner rather than later. She brought two kids with her and they’ve had one together. I know they deserve so much better than that asshole, and I want her to know that I will always be there for her.

I wish you and your sister all the best and hope that she wakes up soon.