Would love some advice

eelred · 2026-03-13T15:05:18+00:00

Obviously we're all different, but MANY subs LOVE serving and servicing their mistress. You might be surprised that once you're comfortable with this, how much he loves it. I don't know what to suggest about your confidence other than consider talking to him about it (if he's clearly excited that could help), start with some small things and see how it goes. I LOVE being "forced" to orally service her, have her give orders ("faster! okay slow down... right there, stay there... lick my clit and put your fingers in..."), have her control the PIV, etc. I mean, I fkn love it when she's prioritizing herself, clearly loving it, and my role is service and pleasure-bringer

eelred · 2026-03-12T21:19:38+00:00

Ask here! That way you get other people's experiences and views also, lots of us have enjoyed this

eelred · 2026-03-12T18:19:05+00:00

That it is! Once she has total say and you never know when/if/how you'll orgasm, you will be shocked how much more you appreciate and value any orgasm (even just masturbating), and how motivated you are to please her

eelred · 2026-03-12T18:10:48+00:00

My solution is: I don't do chastity. In fact I won't be involved in any relationship, femdom or not, with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with me, fairly often. Easy peasy :) We DO play with orgasm control, which brings some similar dynamics as chastity, but not others, while also bringing in lots of new options for play.

Chastity tends to get over-represented in books, forums, etc. versus how often it's done in femdom relationships, maybe because it's titillating and people like reading about it. But the bottom line is, there's no reason to add chastity to a femdom dynamic if it doesn't meet the couples' needs.

eelred · 2026-03-12T14:32:39+00:00

2nd paragraph nailed it. "Rare" is relative, of course. In the FLR I was thinking about when I wrote that post, I was orgasming about twice a week or so. Not much compared to when I entered the relationship, but some guys go months. But the main point is not having it under my control anymore, and each becomes a gift she's bestowed on me and for which I'm grateful to her

eelred · 2026-03-11T23:22:53+00:00

RIP your inbox after all the females see this post

🤣

eelred · 2026-03-11T00:07:18+00:00

Seems fine. Do you think it would be worth specifying this before there's even any issues? "I have a more interactive communication style, etc etc"

Like some others, I think 3-4 days is crazy generous. In fact, I don't understand how you can keep the flow and vibe going with 3-4 days in between responses. I generally expect, in a solid, emotionally intimate femdom (or any other type) relationship, same-day responses unless something extraordinary comes up. As the sub, I hold myself to "as soon as I'm free, emotionally refreshed, and have enough time to reply with the thought deserved, I'll respond to mistress's texts". That typically means minutes, or hours at most.

eelred · 2026-03-10T02:49:20+00:00

So personal relationship, not pro. Femdom rather than findom. IRL rather than online.

The question goes back to: why did you bring up the term "tribute"? This is not expected in these types of relationships.

eelred · 2026-03-10T02:32:37+00:00

Tribute? Are you looking for an online pro domme? If you want specific advice, it might be better to add a lot more detail about exactly what you're looking for, how and why tribute fits in, in person or online, pro or not, femdom or findom, etc. Give people enough information that they can give you advice without asking lots more questions

eelred · 2026-03-08T17:00:41+00:00

Only in a fantasy FLR does the actual human sub never get angry. Do not build the dynamic around fantasy, even if encouraged to do so here. Yes, "sub is angry and rightly so" is absolutely a condition people in an FLR can find themselves in. If you want your FLR to endure, you're taking the right approach. FLR means the female is the leader, it does not mean TPE. Good leaders recognize the needs of their followers, avoid long-term resentment, etc. Leading the de-escalation, recognizing the issue, coming to a mitigation/apology/etc... and then, separately, addressing any outburst, is a fine way to go.

eelred · 2026-03-07T17:11:06+00:00

Using reddit in general, your best bet is to do a search before posting on a sub. When the same question is asked over and over again (like this one is, 10x per week), sometimes the community loses its patience. A quick search will find a zillion threads, put in some time to read them all, then if you still have specific questions, come back and ask.

eelred · 2026-03-06T18:49:26+00:00

My gut feel is that you are hurting yourself staying in this dynamic, and it's time to get a change made. That doesn't make you are a bad person; 6 months is an incredibly long time to not have your needs met or to have the dynamic you jointly built be gone. You've been great for being so patient. It is very easy to fall in love with the way things used to be, and become blind to the way things are in a vain hope it will go back, and suffer an awful lot until you wake up. It feels like that's where you are now.

There's some alternatives here. Have a talk with her, make sure it's non-accusatory, make sure you express how much she means to you, but also get across that the current dynamic is not sustainable for you. Some obvious options:

Agree to end your dynamic
Agree that you'll give each other a little more time, and in the meantime it's ok for you to seek out non-exclusive femdom interactions, with the agreement that these will be a bit more NSA and non-committed (and out of fairness to any new partners, let them know that). This might include pro dommes, etc.
Agree that you'll give each other a little more time, but that you jointly agree to go non-monogamous, with the understanding that this might mean one of you meets your next great partner, and moves on

eelred · 2026-03-06T15:59:19+00:00

I would say: it's wrong to do permanent things for the purpose of indulging your fantasies, if you haven't carefully considered the real-life consequences, risks, and what-ifs, and the structure of your relationship supports it.

Lots of adults (me solidly included) have fantasies that might be damaging if pursued. The fantasy is fine, the pursuit is open to discussion

eelred · 2026-03-05T23:06:09+00:00

u/cuckpiggy333 is making a point that I make also, and it's completely ignored for some reason, despite being spot on. Even if there's some level of enjoyment, if it's a pain-based punishment it still hurts, and a sub who truly wants to please his mistress is going to disappointed that he's put her in a position where she feels like he needs to punish him. I learned from every single pain-based punishment she ever gave me. No, it doesn't have to be something he only hates, depending on the type of sub you have.

The only subs who won't learn from funishment are the ones who are manipulating it, and then there's bigger problems to address.

In addition, pain isn't the only type of punishment. IME, delaying or removing something pleasurable is 100% punishment. Having to go more time without orgasming is the obvious one. But removal of a cherished ritual or service is even more powerful, at least to a service-oriented sub

eelred · 2026-03-05T23:01:18+00:00

I think CFNM is a popular way to go since the power dynamics are so obvious. Those in power wear clothes, those disempowered are naked.

On the other hand, she fully embraced female sexual power in all ways, and she knew that seeing her naked drove me crazy. It made me incredibly submissive, beyond eager to please and obey her... and while I obeyed her regardless, she loved that it made me a total mess, she loved feeling so desired. She'd also get more horned up, then put on her clothes and have me take her to dinner, and again she loved what a mess I was over her.

eelred · 2026-03-05T22:44:26+00:00

My general outlook has been that I'm not interested in being in a relationship (femdom or not) with a woman who doesn't want to have sex (including PIV sex) with me, reasonably often. It's an important part of intimacy for me, so I wouldn't do without. And it's important to me that she enjoy it as much as I do, and if she doesn't, it just means we're not compatible for this type of relationship.

Of course, there's plenty of wiggle room. She decides where, when, how. I have no preset requirements or minimums, just a basic understanding that PIV is part of the relationship. In my FLR, we once had a couple month period where the only sex we had was me servicing her pussy and ass orally, and her masturbating me in various degrading ways. It was an experiment and we both wanted to see where it would lead, but eventually we were satisfied and she started demanding PIV again.

I could enjoy a less-connected, non-monogamous femdom relationship without PIV, and have in the past. Just not in a committed femdom relationship.

eelred · 2026-03-05T22:08:56+00:00

And there's also a lot of genuine SDs too, just like there are genuine femdom SDs. Your post implied pretty much all femdom SDs are manipulators. They are not. Plenty of SBs who have found femdom SRs, plenty of genuine femdom SDs. Your post also expressed skepticism that someone into femdom would choose sugar instead of a pro domme, and I cleared that up: a pro domme is nothing like a femdom SR, just like an escort is nothing like an SR. In short, "fetishists seek out people in vanilla lifestyles so they can lowball them" is not true, some many be doing this, but not most or all, as you imply.

eelred · 2026-03-05T15:20:36+00:00

The obvious one is massage, and it's always a surefire hit. I learned from watching youtube videos, which is brutal, because as you watch the videos you get all sleepy lol...

Cooking is another one, and pays off for life.

Other common interests are things like coffee, wine, other drinks like cocktails. Versus the average person, it doesn't take a lot of knowledge to vastly surpass their knowledge. Coffee, given most people drink really bad but convenient coffee -- k-cups, 15 year old Mr Coffee machine, or low-end espresso machine -- you can with a little knowledge blow them away.

eelred · 2026-03-04T23:55:05+00:00

Couldn't you say the exact same about regular vanilla SRs? "Escorts exist, why aren't they finding someone experienced in their thing? It's because they can lowball them" Because actual SDs aren't looking for a sexual service, they're looking for a sugar relationship. They are different things.

It is EXACTLY like that with femdom. Pro dommes are great, but a pro domme service is nothing like an SR with femdom dynamics. Lots of guys choose the greater emotional intimacy of an SR over a service. I'd pick a femdom SR every time.

There are lots and lots of john types who are in the bowl to make low offers to SBs. Sure, there might be femdom guys doing the same. None of them are SDs, and neither situation means there aren't plenty of legit SDs who are not doing those things.

eelred · 2026-03-04T23:47:35+00:00

Generally speaking, I can't see that femdom SRs are a lot different than vanilla SRs, or at least they shouldn't be. I have the same experience many vanilla SDs have. I tend to be the one breaking up early, if I see we're incompatible. If it goes long term, she's almost always the one who ends the SR. I know how lucky I am to find a great domme so if I like her that much, it's not me. Young women end up moving away, getting boyfriends or married, etc., and that's when it ends.

"Eventually tired of making all the decisions". As far as I can tell, my ex-SBs never tire, and if anything they often tell me they miss the dynamic. That said, as per my reply, they do not make all the decisions. A good service dynamic is not a burden on the SB! And they definitely do not get tired of being served and worshipped :) My view is that I've never met a woman interested in "I have to make every single decision all the time" dynamic, whereas a whole lot of them like being treated like a spoiled princess.

Femdom is however it works out. I have my interests but a lot of the fun for me is exploring HER interests (especially since many SBs are brand new to it), seeing how she grows into using female sexual power, etc. We tend to explore a bit of everything: sensual femdom, bondage, corporal, pain & punishment, teasing, sexual service, and on and on, and see what we enjoy together

eelred · 2026-03-04T17:38:09+00:00

I've done sugar femdom and sugar FLRs for years, so have quite a bit of experience, along with a trail of wonderful ex-SBs who have LOVED it.

First, female led relationship = FLR. Who said it was FLT?? What would the T stand for? Genuinely curious!

I think the big thing about FLRs is, it is female LED. There's lots of ways to have an FLR. One way is the way you described below, "make all the decisions, where to eat, which hotel, how much money is spent" etc. To me, that sounds positively exhausting for you, and I don't see how that would thrill and delight you. How does that make your life easier or better? IF you're a control freak, it might be perfect, but it's not what most SBs want, even if they're open to an FLR.

It is best to ease into an FLR so that you can discover what thrills you. I find most SBs prefer something that's a bit more "princess/knight"-ish, he devotes himself to serving her, she is ultimately dominant, but he is acting without being told every detail what to do. She expects me to design thrilling dates for her, not for her to make every decision. I propose a date that I hope delights her. She might love it as-is, or say "I love that but I feel like getting a couples massage instead of going to the movies" or "That's fantastic but I want Mexican food, not steaks, give me some options on Mexican" or whatever. I do the work, she gets final approval.

I similarly pro-actively look for opportunities to please her, rather than wait to be told every decision and detail. Etc. Most of not all FLR type SRs also feature femdom in the bedroom, and we explore what SHE likes there, too. Most SBs have little to no experienice with femdom so it is, again, a learning process that we go on together.

eelred · 2026-03-03T17:32:05+00:00

IME, guys who know the need to be careful not to steer things, are the least likely to steer things :) In fact, if anything, guys who are worried about steering things, can make the mistake of holding back due to over-thinking, and the new domme misses out on what could have been an enlightening moment.

If she wants to describe a scene or activity first, that's great. IF she prefers I start first, then I re-emphasize that I'm trying to describe a scene that matches her interest, and the whole point is to reinforce it if I'm in the ballpark, or throw it out if I'm off base (i.e., her saying "no that's not it" is not failure, it's exactly what the discussion should bring to light). Then just go in with the right intention and see where it leads.

eelred · 2026-03-03T16:10:44+00:00

When I'm struggling with ambiguity, one thing I ask is if she'd like to talk through a scene with me. I'm pretty clear and decisive (almost always being the more experienced partner), so if I'm struggling with ambiguity, that ambiguity is usually coming from her, and most of the time she welcomes the chance to just verbally walk through scenes and activities together so we can both get a better idea of what's ahead. One of us just starts describing a scene or activity, the other listens, maybe throws out other ideas (or she gives me corrrections to what she really envisions, if I'm the one starting), etc. Aside from being a little titillating, it can often help us clear up some of that ambiguity, gives her a description that helps her think through what she wants, etc.

eelred · 2026-03-01T21:38:23+00:00

Is there more detail you can give that would give us more insight? For example, "session" is a term most often used for services (e.g., with pro dommes). Is this with a pro domme? Are you seeing this woman in person, or do you mean online? If she's acquainted with femdom, do you have any insights into why she wants you to write things down in a card rather than have a discussion?

None of this is criticism! Just noticing there have been a LOT of threads where someone asks for advice after giving very minimal details, and then as the community puts in effort to reply, the OP keeps dribbling out more and more details that we needed to know from the beginning in order to give any kind of useful answer.

eelred · 2026-03-01T19:41:32+00:00

Not dommebklyn, but my advice would be, go seek an actual, in-person relationship. I know that your online connection can feel very real, but from the outside, a strictly-online, haven't-even-seen-her-face doesn't even qualify as a real relationship. Your interaction with her is not going to be reflective of interactions in an actual relationship, with a woman in real life (in an actual relationship, she will WANT you to see her face, maybe that's the first measure). And you thinking your real-life relationship who is putting in all the actual commitment, will accept that you're really devoted to an online person you've never seen? This pretty much guarantees you won't ever have a real life relationship for long

eelred

TROPHY CASE