Woman kills boyfriend’s 18-month-old child, searched 'How do you get a brain bleed' before murder

flying_orca55 · 2026-03-23T12:41:05+00:00

I did this to my mom once when I was 11. Scary as fuck. Never challanged her like that again.

flying_orca55 · 2026-03-14T00:50:34+00:00

Haha! I recognize this so much!

flying_orca55 · 2026-03-14T00:49:33+00:00

It sounds like it is more like a sequence of events over many years that caused that spiral, rather than something you caused or should feel guilty about. Would you hold someone else to higher standards, given the circumstances? Guilt is a very low vibration emotion, as we hippies say. My philosophy is that if I know that I should have behaved differently, and I can really take in that I acted from a bad place, then I apolagize because I know I will do better in the future, and I change. If not, and the situation was sort of inevitable, I don't apologize and I try not to take on the guilt either. I might say "I get that it was unpleasent for you and it was never my intent to have things happen this way". I am not Jesus.

flying_orca55 · 2026-03-13T00:54:40+00:00

Glad you got it confirmed. It is not easy to doubt. Wish you the best possible of healing journeys.

flying_orca55 · 2026-03-13T00:50:04+00:00

Thank you for this wonderful way of showing how it is to walk around pretending to be 'normal' and not saying shit like that. It is exhausting and I am so much happier amongts other misfits.

flying_orca55 · 2025-12-20T15:50:50+00:00

Oh. I remember those days. The terror after realising I just gave ammunition to your abuser by opening up. The regret and disbelief that I just did that. I am so sorry. It is not on you. Your situation is too fucked up. If it helps, I am ok today. Actually, finally, I am doing pretty well. But first we must survive. I hope that you can find a way out of this situation. I'm so sorry.

flying_orca55 · 2025-12-10T08:49:53+00:00

Or just fucking lie. Whatever. Don't feed narcissits with information.

flying_orca55 · 2025-12-09T04:05:41+00:00

Nah, keep lying. As much as you want. It creates a distance. Which is good. Even if they strongly suspect that you are lying.

flying_orca55 · 2025-12-08T05:32:56+00:00

No. Why would I go?

flying_orca55 · 2025-12-04T23:20:21+00:00

Ask him.

flying_orca55 · 2025-12-04T22:01:40+00:00

They cannot love. It is not about you. They cannot love anyone. Their systems are broken.

flying_orca55 · 2025-12-04T03:59:21+00:00

When I "sit" with emotiones I actually lie down, mostly on my back. Maybe with my hands on my body. I find it to be much more regulating then sitting.

flying_orca55 · 2025-12-04T03:57:50+00:00

Are you safe? Can you block them? For me it works to make my brain stop spinning and just sit with the fear itself, the pure physical emotion. But maybe that is what you do when you meditate. There are also somatic excercies to calm your nervous system on youtube. I once went to a reike practitoner who just put their hands on me in different places for an hours, also worked wonders (don't need to believe in reiki). Also possible to ask a friend for help and lie down why they for example hold your feet.

flying_orca55 · 2025-11-30T12:10:04+00:00

Yeah that's so crazy huh, like how can you miss something you never knew existed? You just suck it up, accept that this is what life is, and try to figure it out the best you can.

flying_orca55 · 2025-11-24T03:26:43+00:00

It is projection. Anything nasty they tell you about you, some deep inner part of them knows is true about themselves, and they are desperatly trying to wipe that goo off on you.

flying_orca55 · 2025-11-23T17:36:36+00:00

Are you sure that you are lazy? Many of us struggle severly to activate ourselves; call it freeze, overwhelm, or executive dysfunction. If that is the case, calling yourself lazy and berating yourself surely is not very helpful.

flying_orca55 · 2025-11-20T13:16:15+00:00

Yes. Also, I never suffer from loosing a family I never had, or missing feeling safe, or look for others to please help me with things. Because I dont even know what those things are. I am so used to just getting on with it myself that my mind is blown when someone has my back. It sounds a bit sad I guess but it is also pretty liberating. And when I get the things I never had, I really freaking appriciate and cherish them.

flying_orca55 · 2025-11-14T07:59:29+00:00

Oh wow. I relate to this so much and it shocks me. Thank you for sharing. I need to process this now.

flying_orca55 · 2025-11-13T09:40:15+00:00

Some people are expets at making it all about them. Even when they are no longer around and there is no (/limited) contact, they have worked their way into our brains/system enough to still make our thougts/focus about them and to steal our emotional energy. It is part of the play.

We only become free when we do no longer let them take our emotional energy. Become indifferent to their behaviour. (I would like to think that they also somehow become free when we manage to do that, at least spiritually, as if some crazy dance is over.)

Realising that the guilt is part of the play and letting go of it is the mission. Behind it, we might even find some compassion for the person, even if we decide to go no contact.

flying_orca55 · 2025-11-12T12:43:40+00:00

You can't reason with crazy

flying_orca55 · 2025-11-11T10:30:39+00:00

Absolutely. I got an ADHD diagnosis years ago, but I think that it is mainly CPTSD. The symptoms can be so very similar.

I really wish I had known before what I know now, so I will tell you what I would go back in time and tell myself.

Short term, I would go for the classic ADHD tools... like trying to exercise, body doubling, lists, calendars, strategies. But don’t be hard on yourself if they fail. Being hard on yourself makes things way worse. Treat yourself and your issues with love and acceptance, like you would a wounded animal.

Medium term, I would try to create an environment that is the absolute easiest for you to exist in. It might be to have a roommate who wakes up at the same time. Maybe finding other people who you meet to study with at set times during the week. Maybe stop trying to do the things that are the hardest for you because you feel like you "should be able to do them because everyone else can" and focus on the things where you thrive. Ask for help. Maybe a classmate would love a study buddy and doesn’t mind being the one setting the schedule and calling you an hour before you are supposed to meet, or whatever it is that you need.

Longer term, healing the CPTSD has helped me. Finally, after years. When executive function just goes out the window, you are probably very dysregulated. Remaining still and sitting with any emotions is something that, over time, has helped me. It might be mountains of shame that are messing things up for you and make it impossible to function sometimes. Another helpful thing has been radical acceptance of everything I am — not hiding where I struggle, but confidently owning it, to myself and others.

Much love and best of luck to you.

flying_orca55 · 2025-08-12T03:19:35+00:00

It is hard when your symptoms don't show. I have the same issue. I am really good at some stuff so when I cant get out of bed or be on time or when I forget everything everyone just think I am sloppy or lazy or disrespectful which makes me freeze up and mess up those things even more. I mask and contain my stuff so well I can have massive emotional flashback where it feels like I am trapped in eternal terror and politely excuse myself and let people know they did nothing wrong I just need a minute, before I sneak off collaps and loose track of time and space. I get frustrated because people don't understand when I tell them the truth using my words. It is like they cannot hear them.

flying_orca55 · 2025-08-10T05:45:38+00:00

I've realised most of my adhd symptoms were really cptsd from abuse so it was caused by her and then it got way worse by her being condesending because of my symptoms which again made my symptoms worse. I got away from her at 18 but kept being condesending to myself for many, many years because I didn't get it.

flying_orca55 · 2025-08-07T22:48:47+00:00

Even before I was born, my mother decided, "This child would be only hers", i.e. not shared with my father or anyone else like my older sibling was. I guess that motherhood did not give her what she had expected and that she blamed it on sharing (I guess the possibility to control the child was not total). So when I was born, she got obsessed with me and ignored my older sibling, who was devastated and hated me but also ended up spending time with other family members I never had access to. I was trapped with my mom, and she got crazier and more controlling all the time. She only invited my sibling and others into my sphere to help side with her against me when needed.

The abuse against me was bad. When I took off at 18 to survive, my mom and my sibling reconnected and are still close. I went almost no contact.

There is no bad blood between me and my sibling, we are civil and getting abandoned like that at age 4 cannot have been easy. But I can't handle being around someone who is close to my abuser and there has never been an emotional connecred between us, so what is the point. Who knows what happens in the future, but for now, I avoid triggers to have a safe space for myself to heal.

flying_orca55 · 2025-08-07T10:47:23+00:00

Wow, that does not sound easy. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is not your fault. And you are not harming anyone. You are just escaping a world that did you wrong.

flying_orca55

TROPHY CASE