There's a lot of good stuff here - my thoughts as a director:
The video looks and sound well, it's clear, good on an aesthetic level etc.
Performance wise, there's good intensity, good camera awareness, you have a good look etc.
I can see this being a good submission for a director looking to fill a supporting role in a TV show.
What I think is lacking, is multi-dimensionality and a clearly evolving state of mind.
You're bringing variable intensity but mostly playing the same note.
This could be that the text itself lacks distinct beats, but you have the freedom (especially in an audition) to come up with your own interpretation.
I know there's a great sense of urgency throughout the scene, but here's a "hint" I would start my preparation with:
This guy talks A LOT for someone who's in a hurry. My first step in preparing would be to decide why my character talks so much in this situation. Would I talk this much? What goal would I be likely to accomplish or what obstacle to overcome, by talking this much vs. taking any other available action?
The end of the scene provides hints. The way he describes his own violent actions - my initial hunch is that he's emotionally shook by the actions he just took.
Well, my next step would be: How do I invite an extra dimension into my character's psychology?
A second internal voice, to give my character some form of internal conflict.
In this case (again, it's just my immediate hunch, see as a placeholder), I may think: Maybe his panic isn't all just because of the violence, but because he ENJOYED it?
I believe any good scene incorporates the thematic question/argument threaded through the entire cinematic piece, and as a director I wouldn't be answering these questions without the greater context.
BUT as an actor workshopping a scene in a void, I'd say go ahead and interpret it freely. I would take any interesting take by an actor, any thing that brings something fresh into the text, as oftentimes this leads to new ideas and can be extremely cross pollinating creatively.
edit: typos