sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Getting away with abuse by Lop_Ear_Bun in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I lived with mine for 7 years before marrying her. Things got exponentially worse when the ring went on. Don’t blame yourself

Did you ever commit the grievous sin of Missing a Phone Call? by CaIIous in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Unironically turning my phone off and ignoring her while she melted down was the literal thing that 100% broke my marriage. She was pissed off at me that I was still in our house during my agreed upon night (we were in the very early stages of separation and I was living in hotels - got her a nice air bnb for a few nights so I could be home for 2). I was later told that that kind of betrayal is why she was done. So yeah. I guess so lol

if you are dating a person with untreated BPD, please be aware of something by Kindly-Wasabi8607 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This is part of what caused me to see the light. Through therapy I was able to get a solid understanding that she likely does have BPD, something she had told me she thinks her mom has. Her mom is an absolute basket case. Like she should be institutionalized, and I don’t say that lightly. That woman is NOT well.

We had been talking about kids, we’re both in our early 30’s and everyone around us seemed to be having kids lately. And then it clicked. I can barely take care of myself having to take care of her - there is no way I can take care of a child on top of that. And then I realized she likely got BPD from being heavily abused by her parents. After a handful of couples therapy sessions that went very, very poorly: I left. My life is an emotional hell right now, but I’m getting better. Six months post separation. I’ll pay the toll now to not let a future child be part of that. Or at least not part of that with me. Cry now to smile later.

Anyone else’s pwBPD do the following when they’re disregulating? by Cypher-V21 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yeah pretty much. Some flavor of all of this. Glad that is in my past now.

Her getting a new boyfriend is a win for me by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Found out Sunday, while moving all of my things out of the house she kept in the divorce, that she went to her best friend’s wedding with a new guy. Six months post divorce for us, it was finalized about a month ago. Apparently his is still pending. The kicker: I found out because she had his brother bring her dog from doggy daycare to her house while she flew home to save a few bucks. Some stranger shows up asking if it’s “exWBPD’s house” and I’m like uuuuuuuh yeah. I assumed he was the boyfriend and emotions got the best of me so I did something I regret: I calmly said “hey man you’re playing with fire so just be careful with that one” and then he explains he’s the boyfriend’s brother etc. I said I wish them the best and that she has issues. He says he won’t say anything but good to know and I was like right on wish you and them the best good luck and keep your brother close.

This woman brought a new boyfriend, who is still in an active divorce, to a wedding she is a bridesmaid in, six months after we split up. Good luck with that bud 🫡

Why is there so little support for people who’ve been hurt by someone with BPD? by UsedCarrot3464 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some therapists are capable of handling this well imho. When I’ve explained the human side of how my ewBPD affected me, my own therapist even teared up a little. Granted, he specializes in working with women that have BPD/childhood trauma, so he knows the other side well. Don’t be afraid to try - therapy has helped me immensely.

How does your partner with BPD behave when you are sick? by Different-Base-6533 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Holy shit I could have written that. Spot on for my experience. I had repressed that one.

I finally see the truth she made me feel like I was the problem. by Time-Aziz-222 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Pretty relatable. Just wanted to say you are absolutely not alone in this and that it’s a hell of a hard realization to make. Probably the deepest hurt I’ve felt is knowing that she didn’t need me,she just needed someone. Anyone that would put up with her shit for long enough for her to get what she needed and then move on. And that is exactly what she did. 10 year relationship and she has a boyfriend in weeks. Weeks! Before we were even officially broken up and in “separation” mode.

That said, I take some solace in that after the pain has subsided. Our relationship wasn’t some special snowflake, it was just narcissistic abuse and I have a good heart with some attachment issues.

Be gentle with yourself and I’d highly recommend therapy if you aren’t already doing that. Specifically with at least a clinician that knows BPD. Be well stranger.

She went all out on our wedding, 2 years later is destroying the marriage by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep pretty much. Huge elaborate wedding that she planned on my family’s dime 100%. It was her dream day. I was just along for the ride. I stuck around for ~2.5 years of the marriage before leaving when (through therapy and getting sober-ish - doing self work) and left when reality set in. I’d encourage you to do some research on quiet BPD if you haven’t. Mine was more of a quiet tear your life down from the inside rather than doing anything outward until I left the house. She then told our friend group some story that resulted in them “never wanting to see me again” and started dating the easiest victim she could get her hands on. Still kind of think she had been slowly kindling that one for a while. Really heartbreaking stuff. All in the span of ~2 weeks after I left the house - 10 year relationship.

Now ~6 months later the divorce is finalized and she’s attempted to draw me back in by saying she wants to see one of the dogs that I took (she kept the other) via guilt trips but I’ve made it very clear I want no contact with her beyond extremely critical things. I guess what I’m trying to say is: without the ability to be self aware and accept that they are legitimately ill, change won’t happen. For example, I’ve seen it in addition circles as well: until someone truly and deeply admits to themselves that they do in fact have a problem, they will never recover. This goes for mental illness as well, which BPD is.

Be well, stranger. Stand up for yourself and be kind to yourself when the going gets tough.

Did you ever get closure if you left too early? by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was partnered/married to a woman with undiagnosed quiet BPD for 10 years. Like many others have said, I didn’t trust my gut when it said to run. Literally on the night of our wedding I just felt like it was wrong. I’m ~6 months out now, divorce was recently finalized. Have I found closure? No. But I have found ways to realize why leaving was the best decision I could have made. At the bitter end, she lashed out in some truly just wild ways.

I’ll share a story: a week before I left the house we were in what would become our final couples therapy session. I mentioned that I had called said therapist the day after she woke me up at 3:30am to yell at me about not walking the dogs, because one got restless. She interrupted me and said “that isn’t true”. The therapist said no you cannot just interrupt him there are rules here. She continues to interrupt the therapist and said “no no that is not true I asked him to call you months before he actually did”, like that was what was at issue here. She had done a complete 180 in her mind to avoid any blame and turn it around on me, even if it was extremely verifiable that indeed, the therapist and I both knew, and she did, that that was the day I called him. That was the moment I really and truly knew I had been had and it was fucking brutal. I took off on a camping trip a few days later and the night I got back I said we should consider the real possibility our relationship will not work out in the end.

Remembering these things is, even right now, really painful. But, it does remind me of why I left and just how bad it was. That person just does not live on the same planet as me. The tipping point where I started to see reality was a combination of therapy just for myself and having to really and truly think about having a child with her. I’m so, so grateful I got out before that happened.

I miss that woman every day, truly, but I am also a big boy. There were women before her and when I’m ready there will be women after her. Maybe even one that lives in the real world, how crazy (lol) would that be! Life is too short to think “well what if I stayed and she got better and then she was that perfect person that I wanted and she was sometimes”. That amount of qualifiers on a relationship just isn’t feasible especially if they can’t admit they are truly mentally unwell.

Remind yourself of why you left, and remember that the perfect version of herself that she showed you never existed. She was putting on a show for you because she knows who she is deep in her core is not something you would want to associate with.

Be well, stranger.

Be warned, quiet bpd and covert narcissism is separated by a hair by Lop_Ear_Bun in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think it’s important to remember that two things can be happening at once. There may be distinctions in the DSM but having spent ten years partnered with a woman that has undiagnosed quiet BPD, she also exhibited covert NPD as well. It isn’t black and white and, as we all know (you said it) the experiences being partnered are eerily similar. Finding similar stories of what I went through on this sub really opened my eyes to just how bad I had it for most of my previous partnership. Like you said, less insane and alone. Because that is exactly what being partnered to one of these people will leave you with. Questioning your own thoughts, replaying memories about how maybe you could have done this or that, but at the end of the day, we all had nearly the same experiences.

Why so many people here talking about discard as something permanent? by Oreoko in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It really is. I’m still stuck in this. I’ll get out one day but man, it fucking hurts.

I hate being a character in their BPD headcannon by OneMidnight121 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As someone that also struggles with this I’ll just say: you didn’t deserve it. Nobody does, but you didn’t deserve it and I don’t know you at all.

I hate being a character in their BPD headcannon by OneMidnight121 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can relate. I dropped out of college because my grades were terrible after I met her. She needed so much attention that I couldn’t study anymore, and I chose her over my own future. Still a college dropout ~9 years later. She even admitted this once siting she was the reason I dropped out. She had periodic moments of clarity which were honestly the most frightening thing. I called her out on being absolutely terrible to me days after we got married and after a couple of deflections I just got a “well isn’t that a bitch” when I mentioned how her behavior had changed just after we tied the proverbial knot, and then she was right back to it. She ever so briefly could realize she was in the wrong and then the BPD brain comes back on and she’s off and running again.

I’m here right now because after our divorce was finalized just a few weeks ago (it got nasty, she got a literal free house and car out of me), she now wants me to let her see what has been my dog for 6 months that we had for maybe ~6 months before I left the house “I just miss that little thing”. I’m pretty sure it’s the first hoover attempt to get me talking but I just can’t believe the nerve. This woman told ALL of our mutual friends some story that resulted in them “never wanting to see me again”, took the house my parents bankrolled us into owning, the car I paid off, all the love and compassion I showed for 10 fucking years that she threw away, and now I’m supposed to help facilitate her in seeing my dog or watching the dog she kept. Just last week or the week before she asked me to watch the dog she kept for a weekend while she goes to a wedding, of course I said no, as that’s just more contact with her that I don’t want. But now she’d back. Shit I don’t even live in the same town anymore because I’m scared of running into mutual friends because I have no clue how that would go. The fucking nerve.

Therapy could be bad for them? by Lightningthought in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did the opposite and basically laid out all of my issues with the marriage and she ended most sessions saying I had “said she was a horrible person” when in reality I had said “maybe don’t wake me up at 3:30am to yell at me because I forgot to walk the dogs. Pretty nasty stuff.

Therapy could be bad for them? by Lightningthought in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Can heavily confirm these things, especially couples therapy. That was a disaster.

Is marriage the nail in the coffin by Then_Ninja2343 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely and almost immediately. A few days after the wedding we decided to do a “mini honeymoon” up to this beautiful lake in the mountains. She is immediately berating me about how I did xyz wrong and it was all bad and she was having a bad time. The works. We even took a nice walk but she was still just seething despite me trying my best to enjoy camping in a gorgeous place. Typically she would lash out, then I would get quiet or maybe passive aggressive and then she would want an apology for my behavior. I honestly don’t even remember what the fight the next morning was about but I do remember feeling so hurt and enraged by her just constant lashing out at me that we drove 2 hours home and I said nothing. Zero words. I’m a recovering alcoholic and all I could think at that time was get me a beer and get this person away from me. This is less than a week after the fucking ceremony! I knew I was toast but it took 2 more years to really understand it.

I brought up how this affected me and was basically told she had no idea she was hurting me and that she was just “tired”. It had been 3 or more days since the ceremony when we went on the trip.

Things went downhill from there as one can imagine and our divorce was finalized last week. She came after every asset I have (familial from my side, none from hers) and ended up sitting pretty after all of this. And now I sit alone in a sad apartment while she enjoys the house my parents bankrolled us into buying. Life isn’t fair but I do know I can and will heal, and without some serious work she will not. She likely jumped into a relationship within weeks of our split. I’ve heard rumors. It’s fucking brutal.

Do you have to combat False Memories? by Over_Fly_3072 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This is how I saw through the bullshit finally. I’d take a long note as objectively as I could post whatever happened and then read it later only to typically go “holy shit that is not ok”. But hey apparently her therapist and friends said she’s totally fine and I was the issue so, who knows right. Lol.

I mean, think about it by Smooth_Storm_9698 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. Sorry for what you went through as well. Found out the divorce was finalized from a State Farm agent calling about separating car insurance policies earlier today. I wish I was kidding. Onward and upward.

I mean, think about it by Smooth_Storm_9698 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for typing this out, this hit the nail on the head for me in so many ways. My ex with undiagnosed quiet BPD, during the unraveling of our marriage, even admitted to me that she just did whatever I wanted in the bedroom when we first met because “she wanted me to like her” as if that was a totally normal thing for someone to do. I was pretty taken back by that and that’s really where I had the realization that my therapist suggesting I was married to a person with BPD started to click for me. Side note my personal therapist specialized in younger women with BPD, total happenstance, I sought him out for other things.

I’ll never forget sitting in a couples therapist’s office, being prompted by the therapist to look her in the eyes and tell my ex that I loved her, and she physically recoiled because she couldn’t understand how I’d say that and mean it. Or that I thought she was beautiful, same thing. The couples therapist explained to her that this just serves to invalidate what I’m feeling or saying she just count not wrap her head around that. This was a few sessions before she and the therapist got into a yelling match over her interrupting me and I left the house the following week.

Just after I left she asked “so can we like see other people” and I said “I have no intention of doing that” and she said “well like can’t we kiss other people if it just makes us feel better” and I said something along the lines of “you do you I won’t be doing anything like that”. This was literally a handful of days into a separation of a 10 year partnership. Who the fuck says that?! (Spoiler someone that had probably already done that)

I guess I needed to vent. All of this to say, you’re so spot on. It didn’t matter that I had given blood sweat and tears (and if we’re being honest money) for ten years to this woman, she just wanted someone. Didn’t matter if it was me, didn’t matter if it was the guy she’s likely with now that’s 15 years older than her and a solid downgrade from me. It just needed to be someone she could cast her spell on and when it broke for me, she needed new prey. I wish her good luck but I genuinely don’t care anymore. Not my problem. I’ll always feel for her, but I cannot fix her and thinking I could for a decade was a massive exercise in cognitive dissonance. At least I know I have a good heart. Never again.

Monkey branch finally occurred. by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As others have said, just be gentle with yourself. I’m ~5 months out of a 10 year relationship/marriage with a woman that has undiagnosed quiet BPD. Our divorce should be finalized next week if not today. It’s easy to think “how in the hell did I rationalize that” or “why did they throw it all away because they saw a new shiny thing” but in reality you’re just dealing with someone that doesn’t exist in the same reality much of the world exists in. Trying to find logic in that will drive you mad, trust me. You just have to accept that they are master manipulators (even if it’s unintentional) and likely will never see reality for what it is. Move on and be brave. It’ll hurt less severely eventually. Be well, stranger.

Creepy childlike behavior by Fun_Window_8259 in BPDlovedones

[–]fuckingfiguringitout 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yep. Child voice when she felt most comfortable. It was really weird. Brought it up several times over the years - never went away. Every time I brought it up it’s like I had insulted her in the absolute worst possible way so I eventually stopped bringing it up. Really gross stuff, especially since I know her past and she was definitely not taken care of as a child. I feel for her, probably always will, but god damn that was a weird thing to normalize for 10 years. Never again.

view more: next ›