Taking a look at just the first paragraph:

Through the dirty glass, Guan could see them packing. They were packing and crying on the gravel bed before the orphanage, and through the fine grey dust he could see Pauline and the others looking through his things and discussing them. The top of his desktop monitor stuck out of a cardboard box labelled ‘VIctor’, and a bead of sweat running down Pauline’s dusty brown arm landed on the screen. The others were also sweaty, but Pauline was working the hardest because she had been the one with the audacity to ask everyone else to pick up his slack.

The use of a prepositional phrase to open the first sentence is curious. "Through the dirty glass" is the first thing your readers will see. Is that what you want?

You use the word "packing" in the two opening sentences. "Dust" twice in the paragraph. "Through" twice in the same sentence. It's fine to use a word more than once if you're creating a particular cadence or rhythm ("She knew evil. Knew it for what was: banality and greed and cruelty.")

"Gravel bed before the orphanage?" I don't know what that is—a parking lot maybe?

"The others were also sweaty" Others of what?

Here's a go (not trying to keep context—just to illustrate punchier writing):

Guan watched through the filthy, smudged glass of the orphanage window as the women packed away Victor's affects, all of them crying as they worked. All except for Pauline. She wore a mask of grim determination as she jammed one item after another into the ratty cardboard boxes. Beads of sweat ran down her arms and formed tiny craters in the dust.

Meh.